OCTOBER 2ND, 2006

Weird

Current mood:indifferent

Tonight, I feel like my intuition (which, by the way, has never failed me) is screaming for my attention. I feel like ignoring these strong feelings is dumb; that they should not be ignored; at the same time I want to ignore them because that's what I do best...stick my head in the sand.

Right now, every bone in my body is screaming about the red flags I am seeing in my relationship, and my conscience is reminding me that I used to like myself, that I vowed no one would ever make me feel bad again. I have violated this trust I had in myself, because I have allowed myself to feel like shit more than once in the last few months. But I casually shake it off and tell myself that he's learning, he's learning. I attribute it to his inexperience with relationships....but that's all a bunch of fucking horse shit. The truth is, he takes me for granted and doesn't respect me enough. I realize my culpability in this as I have created this monster.

He knows now that my threats to leave are empty, because I have never left him. He knows when I say, "I'm done!" I'm merely expressing frustration, not breaking off the relationship. He's pretty sure I'm going to be right there, always, all the time, and wouldn't even consider a life without me being at his beck and call, because surely such a world could never exist in his mind.

Recently, he has taken to being excessively disrespectful to me in front of his family. What's odd about this change in behavior is that his sisters and his mother don't treat me any differently than they ever have; but he does. But only in front of them. He will loudly discuss our business and bicker and argue with me over the phone and he will make sure everyone in the house hears it. When I complain about this lack of respect, the response I usually get is, "So? I don't really fucking care." (But I do! Does that matter? No.) It's like he wants his mom and sisters to know he has me on a leash and that he can pull it at will. Strangely enough, he treats me with kindness and respect around his friends. I have asked him repeatedly to stop, and he responds by displaying even more of my business and gets even louder. Arguing is fruitless and is only a mindless exercise in frustration.

Over the course of our relationship, I explained to him that I do not like people shoving things in my face and moving them around..you know what I mean...that sounded stupid but I am referring to something you do when you are pretending like youre going to slap someone in the face. But you don't actually hit them; the goal is to make them flinch. Well, I hate this. I hate this more than anything because of issues in my childhood. Well, he knows this and yet, tonight, he did it over and over again, purposely trying to aggravate me, until I threw my car in reverse and prepared to pull away. Then he said, "Don't leave!" like he meant it so I stayed. Less than a minute later.....you guessed it.....hands all in my face again. By the time I left his driveway, I kept repeating this phrase in my head over and over again, which is also something I had said to him right before I pulled away, which was, "I'm starting to not really give a fuck." And in that moment, truer words were never spoken.

I really want out of this. Why am I doing this to myself? I'm educated, intelligent, professional, and capable. So what the fuck is it that I'm doing? Don't I deserve someone who wants to be with me? Who will treat me with respect? Who will go out of their way to spend time with me? Someone who makes me feel special, not like shit, someone who doesn't need the attention of strange girls on the internet, someone who thinks that I am all that they need? I deserve all of these things and so much more.

I don't want my daughter growing up thinking that this is how a normal, healthy adult relationship works. I don't want her ending up with some guy who will totally take advantage of her, or even worse, lie, cheat, and steal from her? (Just for the record, he's only done #2 to me.) I want her to be a secure, happy, well adjusted individual who thinks for herself, not let some guy dictate her moods. Oooh, I am so mad at myself.

When things are good, they're wonderful, but when they're bad, they're awful. That is the roller coaster that is my relationship. It is so volatile. Sometimes this can be fun, depending on where the passion is directed (i.e. makeup sex) or it can be mentally exhausting, like it is around here. Nothing about this is normal. I embraced it at first, but now I find that it turns my stomach. I guess because of all the stress involved.

I love this person. (Talk about snatching someone's heart!) I think that's why I have been hanging on to this. Love is not enough. I am trying to be patient, but when will I decide I have had enough? Right now I feel like it, which is why I'm writing it AND posting it publicly. I'm sure that in a few days or even tomorrow I'll write some short but perky little entry about what a WONDERFUL day I had with him and will of course make NO mention of this post. Its presence will remind me of how I was feeling at this moment and maybe it will trigger something in me.

I am well on the road to recovery, but healing myself has by far been the hardest part.