I know it's been a while since I've updated my blog. I don't want anyone to think I fell off the face of the earth or anything.

When I went to my appointment, the lady I met with took one look at me and immediately recommended what they call a "partial hospitilization program". What this is is an alternative to the hospital, or in most cases, it's a treatment program that people who are discharged from the hospital go to before completely re entering the regular world. It's very intensive and it lasts six hours a day, Monday through Friday. I couldn't tell this woman no, since she was so obviously trying to help me, so I agreed to go to the program. I figured it couldn't get any worse and at this point, I'm not throwing away anyone's suggestions.

So I agree to go the next day, Friday. So imagine my terror the night before. All Thursday night I was a wreck just thinking about it. I've been in day treatment programs before, twice, both when I was a teenager. I know nothing about them now, and I was scared to death, for any number of reasons. First of all, in order for me to accept this treatment, I was going to have to be in a room full of people I don't know (fuck!) talking about my most intimate, personal issues with them. (fuck! fuck!) I went anyway, and I have continued to go, since then. It has been a challenge every day. I wake up most mornings feeling anxious and nervous, but by the time I get there and settle in a bit I'm okay. I have made a few acquaintances and I am feeling a little more comfortable. I set little goals for myself every day. It's part of my treatment. My goal yesterday was just to stay positive, because yesterday I was feeling very negative. I did, however, accomplish that goal. I have accomplished every small goal I've set for myself so far, and that alone is progress.

I haven't updated my journal because I am in the program from nine until three, and then when I get home, I spend time with Alexa and Bryan. I don't feel like writing about it when I get home because frankly, I am usually spent. I don't feel like talking about it now, other than to say I am making progress and I can tell I am making progress. My expected discharge date, at this point, is February 9th. After that I will be referred to more one on one intensive therapy, but it will be like once a week instead of every day. I am going to make this work for me if it's the last thing I do. I have tasted normalcy...and I like it. I enjoy getting up early in the morning and having somewhere to go, like every one else, even if it's not work. It does wonders for me.

My only complaint thus far is that my doctor refuses to prescribe me anything to calm my nerves. I suppose it's because sometimes those types of medications can be addicting, and I am on government insurance after all, and well, wouldn't it just suck if the government had to support my addiction? LOL So I am coping without it, but I have been very honest with them about the fact I self medicate with marijuana. Drug tests are part of the program, and I'm not going to get anything out of it if I'm not completely honest. They won't punish me for having THC in my system, but it will delay the process of my recovery. I have told them about the cocaine use this past summer, so they probably think I'm an addict, even though I'm the farthest thing away from an addict I can be. Once the doctor agrees to give me something that I can use (situationally, if that's a word) for my nerves when I need it, I will totally stop smoking weed. I only smoke weed now to feel normal. I no longer get high, I just get normal. I would rather not smoke weed at all, so hopefully this situation will change.

So there is my update. I am not at the program today because yesterday I think I got a little overstimulated and woke up this morning with a very intense panic attack. This is not fun to wake up to; all my muscles are tight and constricted, my back hurts, everything is tense, I can't breathe, my heart pounds in my ears and in my chest, and I feel like I'm going to die. Bryan got up with me and rubbed my back, but I was unable to fall back asleep, and I knew that it would be a tremendous struggle for me to go the program today, feeling like I did. So I took the day off and I am still sitting here feeling anxious as hell. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel....

Stoned Thoughts

Tonight, I am pleasantly stoned and I found myself going through some of the new videos posted on EBaums World. I like to watch videos of people being punched in the face for absolutely no reason and there's no better place than EBaums World, I swear to God.

So, anyway, I am going through the videos tonight and I see that someone has actually submitted a video of drunken spiders. I fucking hate spiders. I'm scared to death of them. They look evil to me, and they bite. I don't like them, creepy crawly things. Ugh. Yeah.

So I see this video of drunken spiders, and I decide to not check it out, because I am pretty stoned. I hate alcohol and I hate spiders. Right now, I can't think of anything more horrifying than drunken spiders. Seriously.

My second funniest high thought of the day: Today I had a vivid flashback of the day I visited my cousin at her house and while we were outside admiring her beautiful flowers she had planted along the porch, her son, who was about 5 at the time, was riding his scooter along the edge of the driveway and running into some bushes or flowers that she had planted there, I don't remember what they were. Anyway, she warned him to stop doing it a few times, and he definatly kept on doing it. Finally she marched over to him and yanked his scooter away from him and said quite sternly, "I told you to stop doing that! Now you're not going to see this scooter for five days!" Her son stomped his foot, and then to my astonishment, yelled, "You won't remember that!"

I'm getting real tired of feeling like I'm living in airsealed container. I'm tired of not being able to breathe, of waking up anxious, of feeling like anywhere and everywhere I go, people are talking about me. I am tired of living in fear of leaving my house. I so, so badly want to work but I can't seem to summon up enough courage to go out and fill out applications. If I actually got called in for an interview, I don't know what I would do. I am isolating some of my friends and my family because of my deep hatred for the phone. I hate the phone, people. I truly do, and the only reason I even have a phone is because I feel like I need one, but I don't like answering it. In fact, I rarely answer it. Bryan will usually answer it for me and take a message, even though it's my cell phone. I just can't handle talking on the phone. I don't want to talk to anyone who isn't already on my comfort level. That level depends on the day.

I woke up this morning all tied up in knots. I am counting down the days until I go see a therapist. (Thursday). I cannot wait. I am going to spill my guts and almost certainly cry about all the changes that have taken place in me in the last year. Most of them not good. And I need something to help me relax, because, frankly, my herbal remedies can be pretty expensive. I simply cannot live like this anymore and I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is far, far away.

Progresses

Well, it's been a while since I've updated. I haven't really been too busy to write, but there's definitely been a lack of privacy. I like to be alone when I write with no distractions. Now is the perfect time.

Well, Bryan is back at home with me for good. So far, we've done well. We've done especially well with learning how to talk to one another. That's our biggest problem. We had one major argument and that was last week. A week ago, exactly. We have not argued since then.

Tonight he is going out with Dave, without me since one of the things I had to put my foot down about was alcohol consumption. I just don't like the shit, people. It has never brought anything good or positive in my life. The people I know don't just drink to have a good time. Most people I know drink to see how much they can drink, and inevitably there will be a fight. Tonight is going to be a test to my patience. I don't want Bryan coming home drunk, so Dave promised me he would monitor him and make sure he doesn't come home with an attitude. Just thinking about dealing with it makes my stomach hurt. If only he knew how much I dread the thought of him drinking. But what can I really do? He's 23 and at that age where he wants to go out and party with his friends, but I hate it. I hate it, I hate it , I hate it. So, like I said, tonight will be a very good test of my patience. When he's with Dave, I really don't worry about anything because I know I don't have to. So we'll see. In the meantime, I MUST find something to do so I don't sit here and get anxious about it.

Well, in my effort to improve my life, I have quit smoking cigarettes. I made that decision on Sunday. Monday I didn't smoke at all. Tuesday I woke up anxious, so I made Bryan go get me a pack with the understanding that HE would ration them out to me. (Don't you love this, people?) He did and the pack lasted until late last night. So now I am officially out and not craving one at all. I am just sick of the smell, of the taste of them, and how they make you stink. That is so unattractive. I am really the only one left out of our friends that smoke, except for Lynn. The weight loss I have encountered due to all this crazy stress is partly responsible for the decision I made to quit smoking. I lost 15 pounds without even trying and the only way I knew I was losing weight was because my pants were sliding off of me. So now, I'm going to go with the flow and continue to drink tea and water and watch what I eat. Easier said than done, these days. I dunno why, but I have been munching non stop for the last few days. (Probably the oral fixation and NO cigarette leads me to the refrigerator.) So far, so good.

Alexa has been busy, I haven't seen much of her. I'm kind of mad at her right now for reasons I will not disclose on this web site, other than to say I think she needs a reality check. My dad took her to her hairdresser last night and had her hair straightened..finally! I quit spending the money on it ($100 month) to do her hair because she would not take care of it. She is very, very lazy and I guess wrapping her hair at night and protecting it from the water was too much to ask of her, so she walked around here for months with a fro. I don't care. I warned her over and over again that if she didn't start taking care of her hair that I would quit paying for it to be fixed. This particular style should last about a week and a half, two weeks, but with Alexa it's usually just a couple of days. So we shall see. I am glad that he did it for her though. It was time. I am sure she feels much better about herself, and that's good. I finally got her to do some homework, although she readily admits to me that she doesn't do her homework because "it's boring" and consequently appears to be failing most of her classes. Don't throw me any suggestions people. I've tried them all, and none of them work. I have to let her fail if she wants to fail. I cannot do anything about it. Yes, I have tried EVERYTHING.

And lastly, I finally got an appointment to get set up for therapy. I NEED THIS. I haven't needed to go to therapy in years. I've been solid and strong and pretty much stress free for a few years now. But like indycitygirl said, I have to. I just have to, so I did. My appointment isn't for about a week, but it gives me something to look forward to. I am so fucking sick of waking up nervous and anxious for no reason! And when I wake up like that, I am also irritated and upset simply because I did wake up that way. This usually leads to tears of frustration and anger. Plus, it's miserable to have knots in your stomach all the time, and feel like you can't even leave your house because everyone will stare at you and laugh at you because you're so fat. Some days are better than others for me. But there are days when the simple thought of leaving the house and going out to a restaurant or bar is so terrifying that I can't even go through the act of pretending like I'm not scared out of my mind---I just skip it altogether. I can't take anyone touching me or looking at me, so I avoid a lot of social situations. This is simply just not me and I can't take it anymore. I don't know where this shit came from, but I'd like to have my life back. And that is what I'm working on right now....getting my life back. One of these days I'll write a description of how I see the world in my anxious, ready to puke state. You'll enjoy it, I'm sure.

All right, I'm off. I'm thinking about taking a walk this morning, since Bryan is still snoring in bed and I think a walk would do wonders for me on many levels. The only problem is, of course, exposing my self to the public.

A Better Bowailey

A few nights ago, Bryan came over to spend time, and he hasn't left yet. All I know is that I am very happy about this. We have spent hours talking about our future, our relationship, and the things that have happened in the past. I feel so much better. I never realized how many things about myself needed work until now. I mean, I knew it, but I didn't actively try to change them because I didn't really care how I came across to people. Now, I have to watch myself because if I don't, I might lose him again. That is not something I can bear to think about.

What's so funny to me is that he actually loves me just as much as I love him. I can see it. It is such a relief to be near him again and to be sharing my time with him. I missed him so much....I feel complete now.

A lot of lessons were learned through this experience, but it wasn't all bad. Yes, I was a suffering, miserable wreck but I did get to spend a lot of time with Alexa without the distraction of everyone else, and then this magical thing happened: Her mouth, which runs constantly, stopped being disrespectful, she started listening to me, she did things when I asked her to do them, and she treated me with respect. We spent a lot of time talking and we got much closer. She hasn't argued with me or raised her voice to me in over a week. I have learned that the way to communicate with Alexa is to be honest with her without yelling or threatening; she responds to this very well. Spending time with her is fun; the first night Bryan came over, we all went to the movies and saw The Pursuit of Happyness which struck me in a very personal way. (I won't even get into it...just watch the movie.) For the last two months or so, Bryan and I have included Alexa in just about everything we did, and that is not going to change now. It has done absolute wonders for our family. Now, when we have a conflict, I think everything will be resolved quickly and more efficiently; we all understand each other.

So, Bryan leaving me was an experience I know I will never forget. Learning how to be honest with him is going to be hard. I get so frustrated with certain things that we have to deal with in our relationship, and instead of just simply telling him that these things bother me, I have just been keeping it all inside and letting it explode when I get angry. But he seems to appreciate me being honest with him, too, and you know what? It feels good to say, "You know what Bryan? That whole situation really irritates me, but I'm not irritated with YOU personally...let me tell you what it is that bothers me...." rather than pretending nothing is wrong and getting doubly frustrated. So far, so good.

Until next time...

Sometimes I Miss My Inner Child

This is something we can all relate to. Wouldn't it be great if adults could do this and get away with it?

I know I can relate, especially right now.

This is the greatest customer service complaint call I have ever heard. This guy is seriously pissed off.

Until next time.....

A Brighter Bowailey

This is one of the faces I love most in the world. For five days now, this house has been absent of this face, and the humor and shenanigans that go with it. I have been a miserable, limp, anxienty ridden wreck. I miss Bryan so much that it feels like I'm dying. I feel half dead, like part of me is missing. Just the fact that I am so completely miserable proves how strong our bond is. I cry suddenly and sometimes for no reason. I can't sleep real well. I feel like if there is hell on earth, this is it. I would rather be beaten into unconsciousness than go through this. You get the idea.

Last night was Dave's birthday and he invited me to the bowling alley, where a small group of friends was gathering to celebrate. Since I had been invited before Bryan left, I was not planning to go because I was afraid of feeling awkward. I didn't know if I could handle being with him and pretending that I didn't want to hug him or kiss him or even touch him. When I told Bryan yesterday that I was considering not going just to avoid any unpleasantness, he said, "You better go. Dave's your friend, too." So not only did I go, but Bryan actually went to the laundromat with me and hung out with me until we went to the bowling alley. It was a little weird but I worked pretty hard at keeping my emotions in check. Once we were there, we became engaged in a conversation about our possible future. We talked and talked and talked. What's cool is that it's almost like everyone understood....they kept our distance from us while we were talking. (Neither one of us bowled.) We talked all the way back to my house, where I had to come back to to get money, and then we talked all the way to the restaurant where we met Dave and his wife for breakfast. We talked all the way to his mom's house and then we talked some more. The amazing thing is that he completely and honestly revealed himself to me for the first time. He said things to me that completely changed my understanding of him. It was incredibly painful but very necessary. When I came home last night, I couldn't sleep for the longest time because of all the things he said.

I feel so much closer to him. Actually, I feel closer to him than I ever have before. What he did last night was no doubt one of the hardest things he's ever had to do, but the fact that he did it shows me so much. I know that he misses me, and I know that he loves me, and I am pretty sure that this situation can be worked out. Today I am keeping my distance, just to give him some room, because he needs it. But I got my hugs and my kisses, which I so desperately needed. My heart is still aching for us, but now I feel like we can begin healing soon.

Last night while we were at the bowling alley, and talking among ourselves, out of the blue Bryan suddely put his hand on my leg and asked me, "Do you know how beautiful you are?" It was such a simple question, but it stunned me and I felt tears in my eyes. I never would have guessed he could be capable of saying something like that to me. He thinks those things, I know, but he doesn't verbalize them much. And when I hugged him good bye this morning, I told him, in his ear, how much I love him. I never thought I could ever love another person this much. And I really didn't have any idea of how much he loved me in return. Now, I know. And, hopefully, it's not too late, after all.

A Single Bowailey

I have had a really bad last few days. I mean, it seems like lately I'll have a couple of good days, and then a bunch of shitty ones. I'm getting more than a little sick of it. I know that a lot of it is under my control, but some of it isn't.

Bryan and I got into it on New Year's Eve over the fact that he wanted to drink beer and I didn't think he needed to drink at all. We were supposed to have a get together but it was starting to look like everyone had decided to hit the bar instead, so he started bugging me about getting something to drink. We bickered a little bit, and he finally decided that since no one was going to drink here, that he wouldn't either. He kept using the same excuse that it was New Year's Eve, but I wasn't buying it.

Finally Dave called and him and his wife came over and brought some liquor with them. At that point, I allowed Bryan to go to the store and get himself a six pack. While we were all playing poker, he started getting a little rude and obnoxious, so I went to bed to avoid a fight. I laid in bed and listened to everyone out in the living room, and I drifted in and out of sleep. I could hear Bryan getting loud, but he didn't seem to be acting up or anything. But I was really disappointed and I was still awake when flopped into the bed a little after five. I couldn't go back to sleep so I got up and wrote him a letter, telling him I wasn't mad, but that I was upset and disappointed. He read it when he got up, and we didn't talk about it right away, but he came over and rubbed my shoulders and kissed my head, which let me know that he understood me. When he came back from taking Dave home, I kind of expected him to address it with me, but he didn't, which led to a small argument. After the argument, we laid in bed together, just talking a little, when I started crying a little bit because of the content of our conversation. When he realized I was crying, he sighed. I got pissed, and pushed him away. We fell asleep like that.

So, I broke my number one rule: Never, under any circumstances, go to bed mad. The reason for this is because it will be with you in the morning. This is what happened to me today. When I woke up, I was a ball of anxiety. First of all, Kristi and Mike are moving out today, and I wasn't dealing with that well. Second of all, all the things that happened between Bryan and I in the last 48 hours were still fresh in my mind and I was hurt and angry. Third, I have that dreaded godawful PMS. So as soon as I got up I started bitching.

Bryan listened to me bitch for a while, but then he abruptly got up and said, "I knew I should have went to my mom's last night," and started getting his shit together. We fought, badly, and in retaliation I said some really horrible things to him about something in his past. I screamed it, actually, at his back as he was walking down the steps on the front porch. I was furious, but even as the words came out of my mouth I regretted them.

When he got to his mom's, after avoiding my phone calls, he called me back and informed me that he was done, we were done, it was over, etc. At this point I was still mad and thinking about myself, and I started in on him right away. That's when he interrupted me and said, "My mind's made up. I appreciate everything you're saying and I do know where you're coming from, but there's a line you don't cross and you crossed it. You pushed me over the line today with the things you said."

It was then that I realized how horrible it must have been for him to hear me say that to him. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Ever experienced turbulence on a plane, where everything shifts suddenly and your stomach pitches down into your big toe? That's exactly how I felt, because I knew he was serious.

Even though I complain about Bryan a lot, I want everyone to know he has been my rock for the longest time. This stupid fucking depression that I deal with is no fun for someone like Bryan to live with. He is a very social person, enjoys people, and making new friends. I, on the other hand, have a tight circle of friends that I tend to keep close to me and I am averse to trusting people, where he is not. Because of my escalating problems with depression, and my problems with anxiety, I am uncomfortable leaving the house. This is a miserable fucking existence, people. Whenever I go out in public, I feel like everyone is staring at me. Because I'm fat. Yeah. So imagine this feeling so strong that there are times I will actually leave situations because of the way I feel. It's not fun. There have been times I've left Bryan behind in my haste to get out of somewhere. He's grown used to it. He doesn't understand it, really, but he tries and he knows what to do to make me feel somewhat comfortable. If it weren't for him, I'm not sure if anything would get done around here. I would probably have bedsores from never moving. When I need to laugh, he makes me laugh, or he'll sit down and watch one of my comedy DVD's with me while he rubs my back. Shit like that. So even though I might complain about the things he does, please remember that everything is not one sided. It's hard to think that way sometimes though.

During the course of our conversation, he asked me to bring some stuff over of his that he had forgotten, and of course I jumped at the opportunity to do it, because I was really starting to get scared that he really might be serious. We went through something like this before, after I drank too much and acted like an asshole one night, months ago, and I vowed I would never feel like that again. Well, this was starting to feel worse and I didn't like it. When I got to his house, we started talking and he was really very serious. I panicked, started crying and apologizing profusely for what I said. I mean, it was really awful, and if I didn't violate his privacy by doing it, I would repeat what I had said just for the sheer shame and public humiliation that I deserve. I was shaking, crying, the whole nine yards. Although he wasn't being mean at all, he made no effort to comfort me and he never changed his mind. At one point, my grandma called and I told her what was going on. My grandma is the closest person to me in the world, besides Bryan. Of course, she really let me have it over what I said to Bryan, and then asked to speak to him. I don't know what she said, really, but he talked to her for a few minutes and then handed the phone back to me. When he did, he leaned in the car and gave me a hug that lasted several minutes. We agreed to talk tomorrow. I came home and I can't sleep. It's hard for me to even be here without him. I don't know how I'm going to deal with him not being next to me at night. It's been months since he hasn't been.

It seems to me that the lesson to be learned here is that everyone has their limit. There's been plenty of times Bryan and I fought and he would threaten to go back to his mom's but he never has---until now. Even when I would tell him to leave, he would refuse. This is the second time in our relationship that he has actually left me. This is the first time I've been scared to death of losing him. I know the pieces of our relationship fit, as the Tool song goes. The problem is learning how to speak to one another. And, I can be very verbally abusive.

So, tonight, I am completely alone. There is no one else in this house for me to talk to. Alexa is here, of course, but she is in bed. Bryan called her while I was on my way home and let her know that he still loved us, but that she probably wouldn't see him "for about a week or so." I don't know what that means, but I hope it means he's going to come home. I miss him so much already, it's unbearable. Thank God I have something to do tomorrow, which is take Alexa shopping for some new clothes. That kid outgrows everything in a matter of months. She's too damn expensive for me. And she will keep my mind occupied with her endless chatter about her friends and school. I just hope I can sleep.