MARCH 3, 2007

Realizations

Current mood:determined

I just reread my last post. My feelings haven't changed on the subject at all, but now I have a solution.

Ricky and Serra being here has been a godsend. If not for them, I dont know where Id be right now. Ive been going to church and taking comfort with my good friends who have my best interests at heart. Ive been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of soul searching, and what I think is best is for me to go back to Florida. Not only am I going to go back to Florida, but Im not going to tell Bryan Im going. He knows I plan on going back and I can see that it bothers him, but what Im going to do is just go without telling him when Im leaving. He wouldnt ever expect me to pack up my house and just go without saying goodbye or SOMETHING to him. I plan on doing just that, except that when I stop to get gas for the first time Im going to call Nextel from a payphone and change my number. I have to cut off ALL CONTACT if I am ever going to get over this. He wouldnt ever in a million years expect me to cut off all contact from him. Let him be in pain and shock for a while. He needs to live without me. I am not strong enough to do it while Im only a few miles away from him, but if I am in a new environment with new things to focus on, I can purge him out of my life a lot easier. Im sure it will be hard at first, but not being around him or a part of the situation will make the healing go that much faster. I cant live like this for much longer because the stress is really taking a  toll on me physically, as well as mentally. Not being able to actually rest while I sleep is making me ill. I throw up a lot and Im losing weight faster than ever. I am eating more these days, though, so thats good. But I feel like if I have to take one more blow, whether it be psychological or physical, I might either collapse or have a heart attack. There have been nights when the grief has been so bad, and the stress has been so overwhelming, that I went from crying hysterically in my bathroom, to crouching over the toilet throwing up violently, to curling up in a ball on a fetal position on the floor, trying to calm myself and my heart down because I felt close to passing out. Who the fuck can live like that? Its a wonder Ive been doing it this long. Enough is enough. I have to do what I have to do. I want to live, I want to succeed, and I want to be happy. I dont need someone in my life to make me happy, but I do need to find a way to achieve some peace. The best way to do that is to leave, just go. Ill cry my eyes out over it at first, but when I am no longer exposed to the things that hurt me anymore Ill start to get better. I have to. I want to.

I hope God gives me strength to do this. I hope I CAN do this. I NEED to do this