FEBRUARY 20, 2007

Clarity

Current mood:calm

When I woke up this morning at my usual six something, I felt a little different. I wasnt depressed, strangely enough, but I was ANXIOUS as HELL. I got up, paced around my room, smoked a cigarette, sat down, stood back up, rubbed my arms until they were raw, and twisted half my entire head of hair off. Now, Im finally starting to calm down. (I am trying to stop smoking weed, so when I get panic attacks or feel anxious I try to work through it. This morning, though, I HAD to smoke.)

Im anxious for a lot of reasons. One, I hate to admit it but you all know its true...I really want an apology from Bryan. And I also have to admit that it makes me feel better to know that even HIS people are taking my side. I am so glad that other poeple are seeing the situation for what it is.

Im mostly anxious because I have company coming to visit from Florida. Truthfully, they are coming to save my ass. I cant wait to see them. They would like to see Bryan and talk to him about whats going on, and so far, we have tentative plans for the five of us to sit around and "talk." Bryan thinks this means we are going to just talk about our relationship, but what he doesnt know is that this is a planned ATTACK. I know everyones going to say, "Oh Sondra, why dont you leave it alone? Just never talk to him again, etc." Now listen! I didnt say I was going to be buddy buddy with him, but I do want to hear what he has to say and I also would like to see the look on his face when he realizes that we are all here for the same reason, and thats because, well, SARAH IS A SKANK. I want a very public, very honest, very heartfelt apology. It will make me feel better. I know I shouldnt give a fuck, but I do. So shoot me.

Im off to go lay back down for a little bit, maybe a half hour. Im starting to relax now. Then Im going to get up and get ready and go register for the HUC class like I was supposed to yesterday but I couldnt do it because the school was closed. Then, Im going to come home and clean. Im trying to stay busy, trying to stay busy...