Current mood:
distressed
I woke up this morning feeling like I was on the strongest crack. My
stomach was tied up in knots, I was hot and sweaty, I couldnt lie
still, and I felt like I was on the verge of hysterical tears. Of
course, no one was up yet, so I flipped through the channels on the TV. I
dont really watch TV anymore and I censor everything I hear and watch,
because Im trying to avoid anything that will cause me any more
heartache. I kept feeling like there was a rock in my stomach, and I sat
here thinking about Bryan and our relationship. I cannot describe how
much it hurts to love someone with every piece of yourself, only to find
out that everything about this person is a fucking lie. And he will
never let me say what I have to say about it, because to him, my
feelings are unimportant. No wonder I am always so balled up and sick
inside. I have all these emotions and feelings about things that I want
to share with him but I know if I do the only thing to come out of it
will be a nasty argument, or worse, hell turn it around on me and Ill
end up apologizing, which is the way this relationship has went for a
long time. It is NO wonder that I am as anxious and panicky as I am.
I
laid in bed for a while, thinking about things, and then I had to go to
the bathroom to be sick. I wasnt sure why I was getting sick, but I was
heaving hard enough to projectile vomit all the way to Cincinnati.
Thats not a fun feeling. I was laying on the bathroom floor, sweating
and drooling uncontrollably, with my head resting against the cool part
of the porcelain. And when it felt like it was coming up, my whole body
would lurch forward violently. It kind of scared me. I forced myself to
breathe (because I hate throwing up) and then I dragged myself back to
my bed where I just lay there. Such is my day. So Im going to sit around
all day trying not to throw up....or cry. Sounds like a fun existence.
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