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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Supposed Happenings





If I could find one word to describe my life right now, I would have trouble limiting it to one phrase. Ones that run through my mind regularly are hopeful, careless, chaotic, peaceful, and assured. I am making choices right now that I usually do not make, and I really, really miss my Daniel. The pain of not having my male BFF in my life right now is almost too much to bear. But I am keeping on keeping on, because I have to hold out the hope that someday things will change and he will be in my life again. I have so many regrets about that.

Right now I have feelings for someone who is attached. Forget the fact that he left her to be with me and then went back because she claimed "pregnancy". Forget our almost Daniel-Sondra like chemistry, and forget the fact that we can talk with our eyes all day. Forget the fact that when he touches me I warm right up, or that when he texts me my heart pounds and my face turns red. Forget about it all, the way he smiles at me and how he's sensitive to my emotions. Forget it that he hates Bryan and all that he stands for in the name of loyalty to me. God, I even have to forget the fact that he turned down a drunken proposal from my BFF because, as he said to me, "I could never do that to you." I even have to forget the fact that he is as emotionally attached and affectionate as I am. He is everything I want, and maybe he is everything I need. I don't know him well enough to figure that part out yet. I just know that I want it, and I want it to be all mine. Being with him, there is a sense of completeness. But there is just the fact that he has been with this girl for two years now, and even though he says, "WHY couldn't I have met YOU two years ago?" he still loves her. I accept that he loves her, and I could learn to love her too, as this is someone that I actually know and have spent time with...but not since I developed major feelings for him. She knows all about us and when he left her she pulled out all the stops to keep him. For two weeks we left each other alone besides the occasional phone call. But something, and not just sex, keeps us from staying away from each other. I just can't do it right now. When I hold him at night I know he's not all mine and most likely never will be, but I just can't sit here and let the chips fall where they may. This time, I have to let sense and conscience guide me...not my emotions. I am going to demand that she take a pregnancy test. I have already told him that he needs to think about what he will do if she is not pregnant. If his plans do not include trying to build on what we have already, then I have to walk. For my own good. This blog has taken me through my marriage to Shawn and my relationship with Bryan...and I don't want to make any more mistakes. I find myself reading my horoscope daily and asking God to point me in the right direction. It is so hard because his love for me is very healing. But at the same time, this love could really destroy me if he takes it away from me again.

God has not been a big force in my life, because up until I met him, I felt very bitter about my life in general. I wondered why it was so easy for people to hurt me like they do. Not that this man hasn't hurt me, because he did when he walked away from me the first time. But now I am calling on God to guide me through this because I don't know what else to do. I have no more options. I find myself in a bizarre and unthinkable position, even for me. I sleep with him at his house while she's gone at work, and I help him take care of her two little girls. I love those kids, even though I said I wouldn't allow myself to get attached to them, because after all, they are not his, they're hers. Now that doesn't matter to me. They're beautiful and smart, and they love their mommy. She doesn't hate me, but I don't really know if she knows how much time I spend with him and the girls. They love me and probably wouldn't understand if I just went away. I don't think I can just go away...they all live next door to my BFF. So here I am doing what I'm doing and I'm pretty sure this is all bad karma. I need to figure out what to do. Hurting people is not my thing. And this is absolutely a no win situation, for sure. SOMEONE or more than one person is going to be devastated. It's a no win situation no matter how you dice it, and no good can come of it. Laying next to him in bed last weekend, I was listening to the radio early in the morning, as he lay there asleep, the DJ asked people to call in and tell him about a situation that "seemed like a good idea at first but turned out not to be." I chuckled to myself as I imagined calling in and telling them about my situation. What could they tell me besides what I've already heard?

So I feel a little lost. Sometimes I really want to try to make this work in however shape or form it's going to work, and sometimes I really want to just throw in the towel and walk away because I'm taking a big gamble on my weakened heart. I can't see how I can possibly win this time, and maybe, for the first time in my life, I should just walk away. All I really want to do is be healthy in mind, body, and spirit, and with this on my conscience, I can't be. I just really, really don't know what to do. I never do, do I? LOL. Hopefully, the answer will come soon. Time to have the box of tissues ready.

Anxiously,
Sondra