New Addition To The Family!

These are pictures of my new great nephew, Roman Giovanni, who entered this godforsaken world on November 27 at 8:13 AM. He is a cuddly little bundle of joy who hardly ever makes a sound and we just love him. We already have a nickname for him, which is "Man Babe"...since we already call his big sister, Bella, "Babe." Enjoy the pics!
Got milk?

Me, my crazy hair, and this beautiful boy.

What kind of a baby smiles on the first day of life? One in our family, of course!

Me and Roman in his little gangster baby gear.

Mom and Roman. His face looks like that because he has long nails and he scratched his face up a little in the womb, but he's aight. :)

Dad and Roman.

Babe and Man Babe.

The Babes are sleeping.

Catching Up In Pictures

It's been so long since I've updated this blog. I haven't hardly done any writing at all, because I've been so busy. Taking care of this house and working and being a parent really does take up most of my time. WOW. Who would've thought I would have NO time to write?

I decided to update this blog with pics of me and my co workers and Bryan. I can't say where I work or what I do, just because I need to protect my own privacy from haters that are related to me and protect the privacy of these people as well.

I love them all! They are like my family. There are some pics that didn't make it to my blog, but maybe I'll post them later. These were all taken at the very end of September, when we had our picnic. Bryan came and cooked on the big grill for everyone, since no one in the office wanted to do it. We had a blast all day, hanging out and eating and just having fun. We barely worked at all that day! The next day after that, we had a bachelorette party for one of the girls who got married last month. It was so much fun!!!!

All I do is work, take care of the house, and make sure Alexa has what she needs. She made the junior varsity basketball team this year and I really can't wait to start going to the games. She is getting good grades in school and seems to enjoy the bigger environment that she is in. (It's much more diverse.) She is really growing up, and it's kind of scary.

On another note, I got a letter from my other daughter, who was adopted at birth almost ten years ago. She and her mother both wrote me a letter and said they would like to speak to me. I am so nervous! I haven't seen either one of my children for almost ten years. It made me very happy, but I am not sure how to approach it yet. I did get some updated pics of them, and they are so big! She looks JUST like her dad while my son looks JUST like me. I just don't know what to say. Apparently, my daughter has some questions regarding her adoption and since I really don't know her, I'm not sure what to say. She wants to meet me and they think I still live in Michigan, so I have to handle that as well. I will update this blog when I do make that call, which I anticipate doing this weekend.

Anyway, everything is going well. I am very happy and content at this point in my life. I still deal with anxiety and depression, but on a much smaller scale. Now I throw myself into work when I feel myself getting blue, and it works. I use the weekends to reconnect with myself and to clean house and spend time with Alexa, since Bryan works in the mornings on the weekend. Things with him could not be better. I cannot tell you how much I love this little person who has evolved from a major league fuck up to a responsible and caring adult. You would have thought the world was ending for both of us two weeks ago, when I had to go out of town on business for two days. I cried when I left because I am such a homebody and I didn't want to leave my family. Bryan was choked up, too. It was really hard sleeping without him and being without him, but I learned a lot about my industry while I was gone and it helped me revive my career. Everything was that much better when I returned home.

So, that's it in a nutshell. We are eagerly anticipating the arrival of my new great nephew who should be making his appearance right around the 27th of this month. Last week I went out and spent some money on him, buying him clothes and diapers and other essentials. It made me really long for one of my own. I just can't wait for him to get here so I can cuddle and spoil. I love being an aunt, albeit a "GREAT aunt", and Bryan loves the role, too. We are so family oriented! I can't wait until December 8th, which is when Dave is flying down to see us. In the meantime, we are preparing for the holiday season and Alexa's 14th birthday, which falls on Thanksgiving this year. Everything is wonderful!
This is our Admin Assistant. She's a ball of fire, man. Thick New York accent, tough, great sense of humor. I love her to death.
Me and one of my coworkers at the bar, probably after the buzz set in. I have been to the bar TWICE in the last eight months, and this night was different because I was out with the girls from my office and not Bryan. I had so much fun! I drank a little too much but not TOO much. We are going to have to go out again.
Me and another one of my coworkers. We were at a beachside bar, so the wind was blowing out hair all around. It made us look like models. LOL
Me and the bachelorette of honor. Can you say, "Sondra has a buzz"?
Me and Bryan at the picnic. SUCH a change from last year. SUCH a change.

I'm not sure who took this pic, but I love it because Bryan looks so cute in it. I don't know what my deal is lately, but I can't get enough of him, if you know what I mean. He's tired, folks, but I'm still ready to keep on going...and going...and going...and going.

Until Next Time,
Mz Bowailey

What's Up

I took this picture about three and a half years ago. Shawn and I were driving over to his parent's house and suddenly this little guy jumped out of the vent and into his lap. He didn't like that too much, and after I stopped laughing hysterically, I pulled over to try and help the little guy go back to nature. He didn't want to, so when we got to Shawn's parent's house, I recruited Alexa to get him out of the car. She showed absolutely no fear, coaxed the little guy out of the car, and didn't even complain when he peed in her hand. She set him out in the grass and away he went. I still wonder how he got in the car in the first place? I took this picture while we were parked because he jumped back into the air conditioning vent so we turned the air on full blast and he got stuck. Poor guy.

This week was interesting. Last Sunday night I had an attack of pain on my right side that was so intense and so painful that I couldn't breathe or speak. I walked around in circles, thinking it might be gas, but it didn't go away so I laid down on the couch on my stomach and it kind of went away a little bit. I felt drained and shitty afterward, so on Tuesday when I went to work, I worked a half a day and then came home and slept half the afternoon. On Wednesday morning, I woke up all tied up with anxiety, thrashing and tossing and turning, still not feeling well. I was crying hysterically so Bryan called my boss and told her that he was taking me to the ER. When we got there they hooked me up to all kinds of machines and put oxygen in my nose. Once they figured out that I didn't suffer a minor heart attack, as was originally thought, they determined through a urinalysis that I am having trouble with my gallbladder, which would explain the attack of pain I had. They gave me some medicine but I have to follow up with it. I spent the rest of the day Wednesday in bed and when I woke up Thursday I had some of my energy back. The last two days of the work week were uneventful but I am looking forward to going back on Monday so I can get myself back on track.

Eating is no longer fun, because certain things cause me a lot of pain. I don't know yet what to avoid, besides the obvious, like fast food, so it's kind of trial and error. I had steak and salad the other day and that really caused me some pain, but not until 2:00 in the morning. Let me tell you how much fun that was. I am getting really sick of all these medical problems but they're all piling up because I don't have medical insurance yet so I'm just kind of neglecting myself until I can afford my medications and the doctor visits. My energy level is very low, I have headaches a lot, and I am really swelling up from not having my thyroid medicine. I am not gaining any weight, however, I do look like I am because I am retaining so much water. I weigh myself about once a month and I have gained nine pounds since I've been in Florida but THAT'S IT. The reason why I'm not gaining huge amounts of weight right now is because I am off of my prescribed mood stabilizer, and that particular medicine does cause dramatic weight gain. Too bad I know this now instead of four years ago when I began taking it regularly. I gained something like 70 pounds or so, but I've lost most of that since I quit taking it. I am struggling with it right now because I know I am supposed to be taking something, but I just can't afford it, so as soon as my insurance kicks in, which will be early next month, I'll be making appointments all over the place. I really can't wait. Not only that, but I finally have dental coverage so I'll be getting my teeth professionally cared for for the first time in...fourteen years? Yeah, fourteen years. W O W. I guess I better get over the fear of dentists, because I'll bet you anything that a few painful procedures are ahead of me.

Well, that's it for an update for now.

Later,
Mz Bowailey

BUSY!

Does anyone else see the resemblance? LOL

Sorry that I haven't updated for a while. I've been working on another project and kind of abandoning my own personal journal. Today I decided it was finally time to update.

The job is going great! I am a whole different person than I was at this time a year ago. I cannot tell everyone how good it feels to go to work and be able to buy the things I need when I need them. My car has decided to go to shit, but it doesn't worry me because I know I can get a new car if I need one, with my OWN money. My bills are finally paid and now I feel like I can start fresh with everything. Bryan is finally working, and he couldn't be happier. He's making more money per hour than he's ever made, and he's making new friends. He hasn't earned a paycheck in a year, and I've already lost track of all the things he's going to do with his paycheck. (Gimme some money! Gimme some money! LOL) Our schedule works out great. On Mondays and Tuesdays, he has to be to work at 7, so I just get up early and get ready for work and take him to work and hang out at the house by myself until I have to leave, which isn't until about a quarter after eight. Then I pick him up on my lunch hour. Then he has Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off which allows him the time to run errands and other such things that I hate to do. For instance, one errand that he has to run this week is GROCERY SHOPPING, something we have both agreed that we CANNOT do together. I can't stand the grocery store and Bryan likes to take his time, so I handed that chore over to him. On Saturdays I get up and take him to work at 7 or 8, then I come home and clean the house...dusting, baseboards, dishes if there are any, laundry, floors, etc. That usually takes me a few hours, and then when he comes in we make dinner and hang out. On Sundays, when I take him to work, I try to find something to do. Last Sunday I took Serra and Bella out to brunch, which was a lot of fun. Can't do that this week because I'm too broke, or I would.

Being in a routine has really done wonders for the state of my mental health. I cannot lie in bed at all. I've tried. It's Monday, Labor Day, my day off, and here it is 7:35 A.M. and I've been up for an hour. I'm raring to go! I don't like sleeping in too late anymore. Most of the time I'm up by 7:30 on days that I don't have to work, and that is just fine with me. I had all of 2006 to lie around and sleep until three o clock in the afternoon. Now I try to find productive things to do. It improves my well being to feel that I'm accomplishing things. I call it "Sondra Therapy." LOL. Hey, I know what works for me.

Things are not perfect, and I don't know if they ever will be, but they ARE perfect compared to where I started from. I am happy and I feel stable and settled for the first time in a long time. Bryan and I are homesick like hell and being away from everyone is really miserable. Every day we wish we could be back at home. But we both know that we wouldn't have gotten this far at home. We had to change our environment. Moving down here has saved our relationship, and I guess it was just something we felt we had to do. Now that we're here, we're finally a normal, stable, and functioning team. I really want to start my own business someday, so there is a remote possibility that we will end up going back home, but not right now. I have a great job with wonderful benefits and I work with the best people I've ever worked with. I feel like we are part of a family. I've been open with my boss about my past: the drug use, the fighting, everything. That took some pressure off of me because, as it turns out, everyone that I work with has went through something similar. Now we just apply all that negative energy to work, which is why we are all moderately successful and good at what we do. Like my boss said at our meeting on Friday: everyone here has their own talent. I enjoy working and I look forward to going to work most of the time. It is NICE to be able to work. I appreciate every day now.

So that's it on the life of the Bowaileys. Everything is settled down and now my relationship is finally where I want it to be. Life, for the moment, is good.

Happily,
Mz Bowailey

My Absence

My absence is not due to me wanting to abandon this blog. Believe that. Things have just been moving steadily along at work and at home. Therefore, I have nothing all that interesting to write about.

I have been working on another project, one that I hope will be lucrative in the future. I may or may not reveal it here. Some people will have access to it, and some won't. When the time is right I'll talk about it.

Third Weekend

I did not update this blog this week because I have been incredibly busy at work. I had a very productive and fulfilling week, and I hope next week turns out to be the same.

Today I got up around nine and started doing laundry and cleaning the bathroom. I talked on the phone a little, which is something I hate to do. Then I started watching the show "Matilda" on the family channel and fell right asleep with my mouth open. I woke up about an hour and a half later, feeling groggy. I still feel groggy. I absolutely can't wait for my insurance to kick in so I can see someone about my thyroid. I'm supposed to be taking medicine for it, but I have no insurance, so I haven't been. I've gained a little weight but I think that's because I've been living on coffee and Mountain Dew, no water or tea for a while. Today I am going to drink a gallon of water so that I can get a head start on flushing out my system. I feel dehydrated and it's yucky. Thankfully, my clothes still all fit pretty okay, but I freaked when I saw I had gained weight. That just cannot happen.

Life in Florida is still the same. Boring and hot. It was so hot today that I could hardly breathe outside and had to come back in. That's no fun either. It kind of limits the outdoor activities you can do. I can tell you right now I don't feel like sitting on the beach in sweltering heat. How is that fun? Most of the time I just come home from work and chill out at home. I stay out of trouble, spend time with Bryan, and write. It's fulfilling but I do miss my friends.

Well, I have nothing new to report, so with that being said, I'm going to sign off now.

Until next time,
Mz Bowailey

Second Weekend Off

(This picture was taken on June 1st. It's with a camera phone, which is why we look a little crazy.)


I just spent my whole weekend relaxing. I got out of the house for necessary things, of course, but for the most part I lazed around like a bear. I took a nap yesterday and today, and today I didn't even shower. Ahh, I love to indulge myself in laziness.

Most of my weekend was spent stressing about my job. There are two parts to it; one which I love, and the other part I don't like at all. I didn't realize how important TO my job the part that I hate is, and I got a talking to from my boss. Not a mean talking to...more like firm constructive criticism. It still stung and I fought back tears because the one word that I hate associated with me is FAILURE. I've analyzed it all weekend long, and I know now that sometimes failure is imminent even if you give it your best try. And giving it my best try is all I can do, and that's where I'll go from here. I really look forward to going to work and implementing some of my ideas into the things I do. It's great, because I am allowed to...it's encouraged, actually. This is refreshing. However, I still have some frustrations because there are things I wish my boss would listen to me about. He kind of brushes off the things that I say, so it makes him a little unapproachable. None of the other people in the office feel this way about him, so I guess we're in a period of feeling each other out. He doesn't talk to me any differently than he does them, but I still feel like a loser when he's around. And I know how to bring more business in, could do it in about two weeks if he would let me. And he's kind of given his permission, but he makes it so difficult to proceed after that that I feel like it wouldn't really be worth the trouble. If he would just simply listen to me when it came to certain aspects of this business, aspects that I am very knowledgeable about, he might find that I could actually generate a very good revenue for both of us. This might take a while to accomplish.

So I go to work every day and do what he asks me to do. I listen to him work and he's very very good at what he does. I tell him this, too. When he criticizes me I try as hard as I can not to take it personal, because it's not. I think because I have been out of work for so long I have to get used to feeling this way again. In school I was always a champ, got the best grades, worked really hard, so I never had to take criticism. Now that I do, I have to get used to it again. I am trying, but every day I get stung by something. I know this is normal and that I have plenty of time left to work up to the best of my ability. The pressure I feel is most likely supposed to be an incentive. Little does he know I don't really need any more incentive to work hard than I already got.

Things between Bryan and I have been downright wonderful. There has been no arguing, no stupid fights for well over a month, even longer than that. We are dieting together, and it can be hard to support each other but we do. He treats me a million percent better than he did last year, and it's so great. I am literally basking in the sunshine. I know there's a lot of people who are kind of waiting for the second shoe to drop, and I don't blame them. I know a lot of people who have been involved in abusive relationships who consider this the calm part of the cycle. But that's not how I feel. Hell, if it happens again, I will be done, gone, bye bye. I love him too much and I've already wasted a year in trying to shape him, trying to get him to love me, to see what being an adult is about. He knows that I am done wasting my energy and he treats me like his whole life depends on me. I see the love that he has for me and the hate that he has for the person he was when all the bad shit was going on, and he wants me to forgive. I told him I DO forgive but forget I will not. Sometimes I start to think about all the shit he put me through, and I get fucking pissed off, because he will never, ever know what he put me through. Not just me, but my daughter, my family and my friends. Everyone who had to see me shrink and shrivel away to nothing at the beginning of this year, when I took a hiatus from this journal, would like to get their hands on him and explain to him how important it is not to fuck it up this time. Anyone who saw me with the bruises on my face (like Lynn, Jamie, Alexa, and a few others) and all over my body who sat there in shock the first time they saw me. Or to Serra, who had to witness that brutal and senseless beating and was crying hysterically through it all because she just felt so fucking helpless. Or to Ricky, who was with me when I found him with some really nasty Flint skank at his house two days after spending the night with him and hearing all about how much he loves me and wants to be with me and my family. Ricky had the unfortunate job of bearing witness to the news that he was fucking some other bitch behind my back, a couple of weeks after he beat my ass bad enough to land me in the hospital, and as such, he was the one gripping the seat and screaming for me to calm down as I blew through red lights and stop signs going 60 MPH in a residential neighborhood while screaming in pain at the top of my lungs nonstop, like a train.

Somehow, all of this seemed to have gotten through to him, because he is the most considerate creature on the planet and he's been like that for quite a while now. He has not so much as gotten aggressive toward me, even though one day I had him up against the wall in the kitchen and I proceeded to punch him in the face repeatedly. (As to that incident, I will admit that it felt pretty nice. I had a lot of anger toward him at that time, and I just took it all out on him. I haven't hit him since, because I am no longer carrying all these huge amounts of resentment. That was a few months ago.) I love him even more than I did last year, which I didn't think was possible, but this is a different kind of love. This is finally the mature, secure two way street I had been seeking from him all along. He is good to me and I love him and together, we are making it work. We are making it work and we had to start from the very bottom, but now he know we've seen each other's ugliest sides. There's no where else to go but up and we have. Now that I'm working, I encouraged him to go back to school. Do something to make him feel better about himself. He wants to work but I work so much that I really look forward to spending time with him, so now he's looking into finishing his diploma, which he's only missing by half a credit. He would rather make money, but I am selfish and petty. I certainly make enough money now to pay my bills without him having to work so I am going to take advantage of it. Sound bad? It's not. Well, I really don't honestly give a fuck what anyone thinks. LOL.

All right, I'm off to cuddle with the man and get ready for work tomorrow. WHY do I always wait until Sunday evening to do the laundry? (And don't suggest Bryan do it. He hates the laundry, so we compromise. He cooks and does dishes, two jobs I HATE, and I do the laundry. It's a fair trade off, trust me.)

Until Later,
Mz. Bowailey

Why I Love This Man

I know, but it's been a long time since I wrote a gushy entry about Bryan. But this just has to go into print.

12.)He plays with my hair and puts me to sleep, every time.

11.)He listens to me talk about work, which I know he doesn't understand or even care about. He even offers feedback and keeps up with office gossip.

10.) He gets up at 6:00 AM to make my coffee, or, in some cases, actually drive somewhere to go get it.

9.) He rubs my back, as often as I want, for as long as I like.

8.) He never complains about #9, nor does he expect the same in return.

7.) He plays poker with me and gets mad if someone thinks I am just a stupid girl playing cards. He's got my back every time.

6.) He cooks...and LIKES it! (shudder)

5.) He will do the dishes, too...and never complains.

4.) If he wakes up before me in the morning, he will greet me with a, "Hi baby," a grin, and a kiss. Yes, every time.

3.) After we have a fight, and he KNOWS he was wrong, he will apologize....and stutter all the way through it.

2.) He makes me feel so good about myself that I can actually let him see me naked now. LOL...but true.

1.) He cries at things that are sad, like child abuse or people getting killed for no reason...but he is also a brawny little dude who will not hesitate to kick someone's ass if he feels it necessary to do so.

****I must add a footnote here. Bryan has what I think are unusually large hands for someone as small as he is. I asked my nephew Ricky if he thought Bryan had big hands, and Ricky, without hesitating, said, "Yeah. I'd be mad as hell if I got hit with one of those."

Simple Things

You know what's funny? Asking Bryan to call the power company to let them know we made a payment, and listening to him as he talks to the voice automated system.

"Home."
"Home."
"HOME!"

"Number 3. Number 3." (frustrated whisper of aggravation.) "THREE! THREE!"

Finally angry:

"Customer Service. NOW. Customer. Service. CUSTOMER SERVICE! DAMN!"

First Weekend

Well, this was my first weekend off from work. It went by pretty fast but I am happy to report that I am not dreading going to work tomorrow. I am actually looking forward to it. I spent a LOT of time being sedentary so sitting around just doesn't appeal to me anymore. I kept busy for most of yesterday. We even traveled to a casino about an hour away to check it out, since we'd never been there. (It sucked! Waste of gas.) But it is that time of the month so I am extremely tired and feeling fat. Today I took a nap and I'm still tired. I want to go back to bed.

The other day I got an email from someone I wished to never talk to again, informing me that two more friends of mine from my childhood are dead. Well one is dead, the other is in a coma. In light of the circumstances, I wrote her back asking for more information. I wasn't angry that she contacted me, just a little surprised. It's like a blast from the past, the past that I want nothing more to do with. I really don't want anything to do with her, either. But I'm glad she at least let me know about my friends.

Well, I have nothing new to report. I am soooo tired and I have a very busy day tomorrow. My day planner and all my paperwork are sitting on my desk in my office so that I won't forget about the little things I have to do. I keep thinking about all the things I could do to tackle them. I'm really looking forward to it, but right now, all I want to do is sleep. So, I'm off to bed. Again.

Lethargically,
Mz. Bowailey

Black and White, Green and Red, Purple and Blue..Its All The Same To Me

I have to make an update, because I haven't done so in a while. The job is going GREAT, I can hardly believe how lucky and blessed I am. I get my business cards in a couple of weeks. I absolutely can't wait to be one hundred percent on the ball, but of course, that will take a while. I wish I could talk about what I do, and maybe someday I will, but if I do, I will have to archive all the older posts that talk about most of the events of last year. That will probably come soon, as I close the door on my old life and become comfortably settled in to my new life. Right now I feel less attached to my past every day, but its still a part of me that I am in the process of exploring. This is so I can understand the person I am becoming today.

Bryan and I are not the same people that I wrote about last year. We could be a study in contrasts, we are so different. We actually have a mutually satisfying relationship based on respect and love for one another. There is no more jealousy or lies. He has matured in ways that I never thought he ever would. I feel like he finally appreciates me. I finally trust him and I trust him to make decisions based in common sense and not just his own selfish motives. And the best part is that there is NO MORE ABUSE, substance or otherwise. He even brought up the subject of marriage a couple of weeks ago, but of course, that is not something either one of us will take lightly. I was just blown away when he said it.

So thats about it for me. I am tired but happy and I do feel a sense of satisfaction that I haven't had in a while and when I organize my thoughts, I will write more specifically about my job and what it entails. I just want to say that I feel blessed and very, very fortunate to be where I am today.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

I didn't write about it in this blog yet because I didn't want to jinx myself, but I found an awesome job in the paper a few weeks ago. I sent a resume and went in for an interview. Then I went back for a second interview, and again for a third. To make a long story short, after much hand wringing and praying, I GOT THE PHONE CALL TODAY ASKING ME TO COME IN ON MONDAY AND START MY NEW JOB. HELL YEA!

This job comes with a whole new lease on life for me. For one thing, it's a fresh start to a career that I started five years ago and took a break from to pursue my degree. (And Bryan.) It pays extremely well, actually, it pays more than any job I've ever had in my life, and it's my second passion in life, first being social work. This is something I'm very good at, obviously, since I beat out several other people for the position. It's a public position, so I have to cover all my tattoos. LOL. Seriously, I am so elated right now. I had to compose myself when they told me what my salary is. It's way more than I expected. Of course, the job comes with new responsibilities, some of which I've never had before, but I am more than ready for the challenge. I am going to enter this new job with gusto. Sondra is back, bitches.

On another note, I heard a preview of a song by a band called "The Plain White T's". I downloaded some of their music and it was awesome. I'm gonna burn a new CD to listen to on my way to work on Monday morning. Check it out if you have a chance.

I'm off to do some shopping.

Cheerfully,
Mz. Bowailey

Bull SHIT

Is there anyone out there who thinks that bush's decision to commute Libby's sentence is just plain, obvious bullshit? And for all the hell they're raising over Al Gore's son smoking weed, let's just see if his punishment fits the crime as well.

bush said that Libby's sentence was "excessive." Excessive? It wasn't fucking enough! This is a man who leaked confidential information concerning our government, and all he got was a measly couple of years, which bush took upon himself to take away. Why? I hate this administration. I gave up on following politics shortly after the election in 2004, but I have to admit that I do enjoy watching some of the people who voted for bush squirm uncomfortably now. They made a mistake. They know they made a mistake. It's okay, we forgive you. Lots of people make mistakes. But let's make sure we get someone better in office, next year, okay?

Now, I'd like to see what Gore Jr. gets. For smoking some weed and having some pills that he wasn't supposed to have. Hell, that could've been me a few months ago. Let's see what happens. At least he's not leaking confidential information or killing Americans so daddy can make more money.

I don't give a fuck who disagrees with me. I don't care what your political views are. I don't care if you write me this big long comment and tell me how fat and ugly I am. bush will always remain SLIME, and his supporters are just ignorant greedy fucks who like to scream about values but as everyone knows, they're really screaming about MONEY. Arrgh, go fuck yourselves.

Boredom

Well, I didn't sleep real well last night. I had a really bad dream that me and Bryan lived in the house that I grew up in, which is a rental house now. In it, someone was trying to steal my car and it was dark out and scary. Yeah, I didn't like that too much. The night before that I had a bad dream too, about someone I know and miss. And when I finally fell back asleep this morning, I dreamed that I still had my PT Cruiser but I couldn't remember where I parked it so I walked all over hell's half acres looking for it. I never did find it.

I am so depressed and bored. I was just going through some of my entries from last summer and a wistful kind of longing took over me. I miss Kristi and Mike SO much, and looking back on it, it seems as though we spent a LOT of time together right about this time last year. True, three of us were doing a lot of drugs but that NEVER diminished our friendship, not for a minute. (It still hasn't.) Everything between Bryan and I was very unsettled back then. Well, how's that for irony? Now I have everything I have ever wanted, needed, and asked for in Bryan....but no friends. Just him. Just. Him. Every. Day. Of. My. Life. I am glad we are finally settled in and together, but damn, I'm bored. NOT with him, but I sure wish that we had our friends back. I miss Dave, Roxanne, Jamie, and even Angie. (LOL). And I really, really miss Kristi and Mike. They were there through it all. Whenever Bryan and I needed something to do, we hung out with Mike and Kristi. Of all the people we knew, we weren't ashamed to let them see the worst of us, even when they didn't want to see it. (We still aren't.) We would spend hours playing spades and talking, the four of us. I miss those days, not for the drugs of course, but for the camaraderie that came with being with people we truly cared about. Some people come in and out of your life for reasons that God only knows sometimes. They blink in, stay around for a while, and then blink out, and you lose all touch. Five years later you find yourself wondering what happened to them. But Kristi and Mike blinked in and as far as I'm concerned, will never blink out. We've all seen too much of each other, bonded too much, spent too much time together. We're all way too close. (We may as well have walked around each other with no clothes on, as raw and as uncensored as we've all seen each other.) I know God put them into my life for a purpose.

I'm writing about them in particular because last year about this time we were always together. I miss that. Bryan and I are almost unbearably lonely right now. Sometimes I really wish I would have waited to move to Florida until now, the summertime, because I am not really enjoying myself here. Every day I wake up depressed, and I know it's because I'm lonely. I've always been surrounded by friends, even when I lived here before, but the friends I had when I lived here before have all moved up north! (Go figure) It makes me long for the days of Kristi and Mike and Bryan and Sondra, the long talks, the dinners together sometimes, the card games until 7 AM. I miss it all. I never thought I would feel like moving to Florida was a mistake, but sometimes I really do feel that way. My grandma, who is the light of my life, always says that social interaction is extremely important. Well, we don't have any of that. I find myself feeling extremely bitter about everything all the time, and that's not good. I wish Bryan and I could find financial security and happiness in Michigan, but it won't happen. There are too many bad outside influences up there that I don't have to waste one second on worrying about down here. Not only that, but finding work would be extremely difficult. I've been having a rough time here, but that's because of the field I'm in.

I just really want to go home for about a week, maybe ten days. I just want to see my friends, go out to dinner, and hang out til the wee hours of the morning. I want to go to the movies, go to the beach, and just be with other people instead of it just being the two of us all. the. time. It makes me sad because we don't know what's going on in everyone else's life. We don't know what our friends are doing. Every time I talk to Roxanne she mentions having bonfires at her house. Well, dammit, I wanna go. And I haven't spoken to Angie in a while, but I'd be willing to bet even her life is more fun that mine now. Anyone feel like taking up a donation to get me home for about ten days so I can feel normal again? Anyone?

Wistfully,
Mz Bowailey

Roxanne--you know I miss you. You're the one I tell about all the bad stuff.
Kristi and Mike--words cannot express how much I miss you guys. I wish we could go to church with you and then hang out and play video games.
Angie--I just wanna know if you're still alive, and what's going on with you.
Mollie--you and Alexa are so lucky. I wish I was you guys, just for a day, so I could hang out with MY friends.
My Grandma--I can't even go there without crying.
Bryan's family--I miss all of you, pains in the asses.

I want to see all of you. Soon.

Realizations

Yesterday I went to the driver license office (yes, that's what they call it, the driver license office, not the DMV or the Secretary of State or anything sophisticated like that. It might confuse the true southerners around here) to get my license. The last time I got my driver's license renewed was last May, right around my birthday, and the picture was horrible. I wrote about it when it happened. Here is the link to that post: WHY I LOOK LIKE A CRACK HEAD. Here is that picture, in case you don't feel like re reading that post.


Look at how horrible I look! Red nose, watery eyes, no makeup, hair all greasy and unkempt. And that is SUCH a fake smile. My eyes look DEAD, don't they? It's scaring me to even look at this picture. I don't look even remotely close to what I look like now.







Well, I got my new license yesterday, and I was amazed at the difference in the picture. Not only have I lost about sixty pounds (and it shows!) I look healthier, happier, and just downright prettier than I did a little over a year ago. I HAD to scan it so I could show it on here. (I am so vain.) Here it is.
What an improvement! I look a little bit like Monica Lewinsky in this picture, but I don't mind because I never thought she was ugly in the first place. She's just a freaky bitch.

I just can't get over the difference. I don't want to ever lose this license for the rest of my life. LOL. It is probably the best driver license picture I have ever taken. WHAT other zodiac sign besides Taurus do you know that is SO vain that they would actually post their driver license pictures? LOL Of course, there are other reasons for this, reasons why this is a better picture. Number one, I am not on drugs anymore and those who doubt me now have more of a reason to believe. My stress level is down significantly from that of last year, even though I still have my bad days. I really don't have anything real significant to complain about besides this persistent loneliness, but that is another post.

Til next time,

Mz. Bowailey

Not Scared

I took this picture in the car the other day. I even managed to smile. Kind of. How do you like that???

D Day

Well, the day has finally come. As of June 11, my divorce from Shawn is final. It makes me a little sad to think he is no longer my husband, but as everyone who knows us knows, it has been over for quite some time. We have managed to maintain somewhat of a friendship, due to the fact that he saw me through some of the worst times in my life. I think he was shocked at how incredibly hard I fell off, but he was always, always there to pick up the pieces. For that I will always have a degree of loyalty to him. The other day, I called him to ask him some general question and we chatted about nothing for about an hour. It's nice to have a sane, rational conversation with him because for the last year, I have been in almost constant crisis and he is usually the first person I would call.

He is much happier now. He is with someone who appreciates him and loves him entirely, and this he deserves more than anything. He has always been there with a quick $20, or more, lol, and has always been there for other things. I begged him to divorce me earlier this year, begged him to seperate himself from me legally, and he did. Now that it's actually final, I can't help but feel a little pang of sadness and a BIG pang of regret for what he had to endure from me. I know I will keep in touch with him for as long as possible, because he is a very good person, very kind and good hearted. Even though we've both moved on, part of him will remain with me for the simple fact that he was there to pick up the pieces when no one else would have anything to do with me. Thanks, Shawny.

Oh.....My.....GOD

I am so sick of hearing about stupid skinny puppy no talent slutbag Paris Hilton going to jail. Who gives a fuck? Lots of people go to jail. I wish we could all fake illnesses and get out of trouble. I heard someone describe her fake illness as "rich and white". Did they forget fake? I hope some of those jail bitches beat her whore ass down. I can't fucking stand that bitch.

But who is worse than Paris Hilton? I know, I know, I didn't think anyone could be worse than Paris Hilton, but I was oh so wrong. DUSTIN DIAMOND, known better as Screech from that corny ass no talent show Saved By The Bell, is on Celebrity Fit Club this season and he consistenly shows the world how much of an ASS he is. This is the kind of motherfucker I would love to see get beat down in the middle of the street. I want to SPIT on him. He is cocky, arrogant, and not, I repeat NOT, a very good person. Every time I watch this show I watch with balled fists because this guy seriously needs an ass kicking. You'd have to watch the show to see what I mean, but here is a clip that will kind of show you what an ass he is, if you haven't seen this yet. If you get a chance to, watch the season finale on Sunday night, because he about gets his ass kicked by a few other contestants. I can't WAIT to see what happens. He makes fun of the other contestants behind their backs, on camera, and shows no enthusiasm for the work they're doing. He yawns in their faces when they get excited and is NICE to their faces, but it's a whole OTHER story when he's alone with the cameras. On the season finale, he makes fun of The Brat, and Cletus Judd, and they both go after him. (Other people on the show are Maureen McCormick from the Brady Bunch, Tiffany (the eighties singer), Warren G, Kelly someone I think from American Idol, and this cute little gay guy that I just LOVE. Anyway, here is the clip, and tell me if you don't think he is the most arrogant little piece of shit you've ever seen. And, don't forget to tune in for the season finale. I want to see him get his ass kicked.

Dustin being an ASS!

What's On My Mind?

I woke up this morning with stuff on my mind. Although this happens frequently now, last night was particularly bad in terms of rest. I did not sleep well.

This picture of me and Bryan was taken sometime in March, shortly after we broke up, supposedly for good, but before the BAD night happened. Take a look at my face, people! I look like SHIT. How I managed to just not fall over is beyond me. Let me take a second and tell you what I was going through at this period of time. The worst hadn't even happened yet.

First, he took off with my cousin who offered him alcohol AFTER she saw a drunken fight between us and I had confided in her that I didn't want Bryan drinking at all. She instigated an argument, and then they snuck off together to her house, which was not anything I knew or even suspected until the next day when his MOM called looking for him. Talk about a tip off that he didn't go home that night!!! The next couple of weeks were awful; we weren't speaking to each other and when we did, it usually wasn't nice. Bryan was sneaking around behind my back and hanging out with her and both of them were lying to me about it. The true shit of it was that all the time, Sarah was trying to convince me to leave him for good and declaring that she would have nothing to do with me if I kept him in my life. Then turning around and talking about ME that way to him. It was a stupid, fucking dramatic mess. Eventually, Bryan's family, including Dave, cornered Bryan and convinced him to put a stop to it. This happened AFTER Sarah took it upon herself to answer Bryan's phone, the one that I paid for, and scream into it, in front of his young niece and nephew who both know me, that he couldn't talk right now because he was putting a condom on. Oooh, just re telling this story makes me want to smash her right in her fucking mouth.

While this was going on, I came across some text messages that he had sent to some girl named Wendy who he had apparently met at the bar one night while still living with me. They danced and kissed, and he came into my bed that night and slept next to me. Call me stuck on stupid, because I had no idea. The text messages weren't all that bad...a little flirtatious...but a fucking shock nonetheless. Once again, I never even suspected. It crushed me to find out that he lied to me like that. It was pretty awful to read those messages. I didn't think it could get any worse after that. I spent that whole night laughing, and then crying, and then laughing, while my family stood around in silence, not knowing what to say.

Then we didn't speak for a while. On St Patrick's Day, we went out, and that was the catalyst that completely changed my thinking. I will not go into detail here except to say that Bryan and I did not speak again for a long while after that night. When we finally did speak, it was at my initiative, and we spent the night getting high on cocaine for the first time in over 9 months. I will honestly admit that I threw up the first time I saw him put that shit in his nose. I don't know how I handled it...I guess I just couldn't handle the raw reality of being sober any longer. I was popping pills and drinking an awful lot at that time, and getting high seemed like a safe way to connect with him. We drank and smoked and he spent the night with me at my house, at which time he told me how much he loved me and how sorry he was for everything. We began to get intimate, and he began reacting to me in a way that he never had before. I mean to say, warning bells were buzzing in my head and I felt my stomach drop straight down to my toes because I knew, I KNEW, that he had been with someone else. I did not question him about it.

Two days later, after not hearing from him, I stopped by his house, innocently enough. What I didn't expect to see was a strange car in the driveway. The pussy that I am, I made Ricky go up to the door and Bryan instantly bribed him with alcohol. I KNEW there was a bitch inside but I was trying to lie to myself, just to keep myself sane. What ended up happening was that I came out of my car after HIM, screaming and demanding to know WHY DID HE KEEP DOING THIS TO ME? He actually had the balls to threaten to call the cops. HA! I was homicidal at that point and aimed my car right at him. I wanted blood, guts, whatever. My mind shut down and I literally saw red, then everything went white. The girl came outside and Bryan screamed for her to go back in the house, making a huge Freudian slip by saying, "THIS IS MY CRAZY ASS GIRLFRIEND!" instead of crazy ass "ex" girlfriend. Ricky eventually got me in the car and I drove through town, screaming at the top of my lungs without taking a breath, not stopping, running red lights and stop signs. I have never felt so insane.

After that, we didn't talk at all. It was then that I began the preparation for my move to Florida. I was locking myself in the bathroom with knives and cutting myself, and finding myself on the phone at 3 AM calling everyone I knew, screaming for cocaine. I was getting high again, getting drunk, whatever, not caring, feeling numb. Life was in black and white for me then. Days would go by where I would not eat. Lynn came over to my house one morning while I was still drunk from the night before, and forced me to go home with her. I took a shower, cleaned myself up, and while I still couldn't eat anything, felt much better. It was a slow road but I started to clean myself up.

After we got back together, I made a commitment to myself NOT to ever follow the same path again. I have been CLEAN and HAPPILY SOBER for a long time now. I really do feel my strength and determination coming back. It feels nice. I have finally been given the tools I need to succeed and I intend to implement them. But as far as my relationship goes...it has never been better. While Bryan has never been overly attentive, he is paying more attention to me. He is learning to be more compassionate. He is trying to be part of a family. In short, he is growing up. Do I still worry that he'll cheat on me again? Yeah, I do, but I think he knows I seriously will NOT tolerate it. Do I worry that I'll fall off the wagon again? Not really, because after all, I am the only one in control of that situation. Do I worry that we might not make it? Honestly, I only take it one day at a time. I am a person who takes pleasure in small victories, and every day that I am alive and well and in a healthy state of mind is a victory for me. Waking up next to Bryan now is so much different than it was before. He is always right next to me, basically on top of me, all night. He strokes my hair, kisses my face in the middle of the night. He rubs my back when I am so tense I cry. He comforts me without words a lot. He is trying SO hard. And I love him.

Have You Ever...

In these pictures I took the other day, I look mad and miserable. The truth is, I'm not. I was just snapping pictures of myself in broad day light while parked on the side of the road and I didn't want to smile and draw attention to myself. I was using the mirror on the other end of my visor and I was afraid to smile because I thought people walking by might think I'm nuts. Well, I am, but that's besides the point.

Have you ever in your life wanted to smash someone into the ground like the garbage that they perpetrate to be? Have you ever had nightmares about that person, and woke up in the morning with balled fists and an upset stomach? Have you ever wished you could be younger and more fit just so you could beat said person about the face and head without fear of reprisal? I have and I currently do. There is a certain person who will remain unnamed that I swear to God I am going to pound into oblivion the first chance I get. The problem is, even though I really hate the way this person acts and conducts themselves, I don't know them on a personal level so I don't actually hate the person. Confusing, I know. But I went to this person's my space page, and read some things that they write, and what is really sad is that even though they have thrown a major wrench into my life (which is by NO means all their fault) and I want to bash their teeth out, I couldn't help but be impressed at their writing. This is not a stupid person. I didn't expect to be dealing with someone who appears to have slightly above average intelligence. I thought I was dealing with someone who was extremely fucking stupid and a total waste of space. Judging from what I've read, this person has a pretty good heart and knows how to express themselves with words. This is getting in the way of my thirst for vengeance. How can I hate someone yet at the same time wish I could talk them into being a better person? Is this just my heart talking? Or is it something more? Am I nuts? (YES) I don't know what to do.

It is my nature to seek revenge. Just when my enemies think it's safe to come out of hiding, I pounce with a fury that is unmatched to anything they've ever seen. This is due to my snaky nature. (I AM a snake, according to my Chinese Zodiac.) I don't like to be fucked with or taunted, but I usually take it until I can formulate a plan to get them back in the best way possible. Most of the time it does NOT include violence. I just know my way around certain things and I use it to my full advantage. I know this doesn't make me a better person and all that, and sometimes I hold on to it for so long that I end up letting it go. Like my cousin Sarah for instance. I will never give her the privilege of being in my life again, but that doesn't mean I don't miss her sometimes. I do. I am over being angry at her and I wish we could laugh about all that happened, but for the sake of my mental health it is best for me to just stay away from her. She hasn't bothered me or done anything to me in months because she already got what she wanted, which was revenge. She did a good job, I can tell you that. But since we were best friends for so long and really know each other well, I kind of fucked myself when it came to her by trusting too much. I won't put myself in that position again, but all thoughts of getting back at her for what she put me through are gone. Now I just want to be peaceful...away from her. Which is what we are doing. But this other person is NOT a member of my family and I have no history with them, which makes it easier for me to want to bash them. So what I'm doing is hoping I can be the bigger person and walk away, but I'm afraid that at this point I am not able to do that. Thank God this person doesn't live anywhere near me.

Since drugs and alcohol no longer have a place in my life, I am obviously able to think more clearly and rationally...thank God! It doesn't mean that I am rational ALL the time, because, LOL, I'm NOT. But I am able to see things more clearly, especially since I was wearing blinders for so long, and it's refreshing. I guess I will have to wait and see if my anger dissipates before I find myself in a position to do anything to that person. Either way, I'm going with the flow. I just hope I make the right decision.

I'm Getting A Little Ridiculous

This is me and Bryan today. Alexa took this picture and she said something smart. As I raised my eyebrows at her she took it, so I look a little silly. But I dont care. Look at how long my hair is getting! I am so excited about this. I do need to cut it though, because the ends are a little dead. And I also need to dye it because the top and sides of my head are almost completely gray. The parts that are not gray are a dull, almost colorless brown. I just keep putting it off for money reasons. I know once I dye my hair it will take years off of my face. It always does. But at least I look happy and like I said yesterday, unafraid of the camera.

Today I tried on a pair of shorts that I bought last summer from Wal Mart. I picked them up off the clearance rack and bought them without trying them on. I couldnt get them on when I got home, they were so tight they were cutting off my circulation and the zipper wouldnt go all the way up. To make matters worse, they were low riders, which I have a hard time wearing not only because I am FAT, and I dont think FAT people should wear LOW RIDERS, but because I also carry almost all my weight in the front of my stomach. So I pitched them into the closet. Before I moved to Florida from Michigan, I tried them on again and this time they would go on and stay zipped, but they were still pretty tight. Today, I pulled them out of the closet once again, and tried them on. Now, I can pull them off and on without unbuttoning OR unzipping them, and the most surprising thing is that now they are just like all my other pants...I have to keep hitching them up when I walk. Alexa, my smart ass daughter, says, "Mom, it's because you have no butt to hold them up." Which is true. The little jerk. But oh well. Last year I couldnt even get them on. This year I have to hitch them up. Thats all I care about.

Before and After

It almost hurts to look at this picture of me up there. Look at how FAT I was. Holy shit, dude! This picture was taken in August of 2005, when I was so fat that I had no other choice but to pay extra for first class whenever I flew on an airplane because I was so uncomfortable in coach seats. This was when I could put down so much food in one sitting it was ridiculous. I started this journal shortly after this pic of me was taken.

This is what I look like now. Of course, I dont have a full length picture because I havent taken one in so long. I'm used to shying away from the camera, but now that I'm losing weight and it shows, it's not so scary to see myself in graphic detail. I wrote a whole entry about it in my other journal that I have and I thought I would cheat and copy and paste it here:

Other changes
Current mood: ecstatic

"I stepped on the scale today for the first time in a while, and was shocked and amazed to see that I am steadily losing weight still. I dont know why, because I eat pretty good, but I havent been drinking a lot of pop and shit like that. I stick to water or tea most times. Last year, I started keeping a diet journal because I found myself at a whopping 308 pounds. I couldnt believe it. It all started when I got married. The wonderful man that my husband is, our marriage was boring by my standards and I did nothing but stuff my face. I was HUGE.

Anyway, I have been losing weight steadily all year long, but not alarmingly so. I will admit that it is a big mystery why all of a sudden it is falling off, but I dont care. Today, I stepped on the scale, as I said earlier, and I now weigh 57 pounds lighter than I did this time last year. 57 pounds! I can tell the difference in the way my clothes fit, which is to say pretty much all of my pants are too big, but I didnt realize how much better I look because we dont have a full length mirror here. Last night, Bryan and I went to the lesbian bar with some friends of ours, and I dressed up in a black low cut top, jeans, and black boots. I wore my hair down and scrunched it all up. When I walked out of the bathroom, Bryan wore a stunned expression and said, "Damn! You look GOOD!" He meant it, too, and that made me feel so nice! When I was in the bathroom at the bar, I checked myself out in the full length mirror and while I still have a ways to go, I can see the difference myself. All I can say is...I like it. Much better.

So thats my happy news I wanted to share. Pretty soon I will post a full sized picture of myself on here. I would like to post more than one so I can see how I looked before and after. For once in my life, I dont cringe when someone pulls out a camera and says, 'Let's take a picture!' "

Family Beach Fun

Lynn is here, thank GOD! We went to the beach the first night they got here and this is a picture of Bryan buried in the sand (easy to do, he's a midget) holding Bella who was laughing her BUTT off at me and Lynn and her mom, who were crouched in front of her instigating her to make this funny face that is just downright hilarious. I have it on video and will be uploading it here soon.

Not much new to report. Just hanging out, enjoying the sun, trying not to get burned, and spending time with family. The other day I took my nephew Ricky and Bryan to a place for a job interview...they both had one at the same place a half an hour away from each other...and Ricky's was first. As he got out of the car he teasingly said to Bryan, "Time to steal a job away from a pudgy little gnome."

Mrz. Bowailey

Little Bit of This and That

Look at that prominent butt chin.

Wow.

Anyway....so when I got off work today, I was determined to sit on my ass and not do anything at all, but, be that as it may, I have just received word from Lynn that she is coming to visit! I am so excited. My work schedule is a little overwhelming but I'll have two days in a row to spend with her and I can't WAIT. I really do miss my friends.

I am SO GLAD to see you, Ms. Cherie! That means that I haven't been forgotten. (Collective "awwwww from the audience.) But seriously.

My life is so different. I guess you could say its still in transition, but this time it's a good one. My relationship has grown stronger, more connected, and intimate. We have both matured quite a bit. Life REALLY is peaceful here. It's very stress free. No family obligations to worry about, no drama, no drugs, and no drinking. I am trying hard to get my life back where it's supposed to be and the old Sondra is emerging from her shell in full force right now. All the tears, the pain, the grief, the heartache, the sicknesses of the body and mind, the addictions, and other negative forces are peeling back to reveal a stronger, more effective me. I can't believe I crashed down as hard as I did, but I guess it was meant to happen this way. Alexa is happier too, although she's bored. Right now she's visiting family so we have the house to ourselves. It's almost TOO quiet. But we're raking in these small moments with each other because they are what counts the most.

I'm thinking of making Alexa a co author on this blog. People are probably interested in what she has to say. I'm tired of speaking for her. Not only that, but we both have talents for reading and writing, and it is something that we both enjoy, so why not enjoy doing it together? This blog is about The Bowaileys, not just Bryan and Sondra but Alexa too. Why not let her put her two cents in? I would love to see what she has to say. What do you all think?

Now that I'm actually THIRTY, and not just saying it, I have been taking stock of my life and all the changes. I am proud of who I am and even prouder for who I hope to become. I didn't go through this alone. Everyone I know who loves me has went through it as well...like certain cousins who will remain unnamed who had to field phone calls from me at all hours when I was really losing my mind, or certain friends who would firmly but lovingly put things into perspective when I was too hard headed to listen to reason. I love you all and I thank you all for being there. Now, let's turn the page.

Lovingly,
Mrz. Bowailey

Our Nutty Family

Yesterday Alexa and I were making up songs to sing to Bella while we sat outside with her. We made them up to the tune of "If youre happy and you know it clap your hands." I sang one to her that went like this:

We wont drop a babe on her head
No we wont drop a babe on her head
Cuz the baby will go splat and that will be the end of that
No, we wont drop a babe on her head.

LOL

Then some guy sped by in a gay little BMW convertible and I sang to him, too.

I dont give a fuck about your car
No, I dont give a fuck about your car
You can take all your cash and you can kiss my big fat ass
No, I dont give a fuck about your car.

Now that shits gonna be stuck in my head all day. Damn.

Balm For My Soul Right Now

Oh, the devil has got a grip on me right now and I mean it...

A Psalm of David.

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.

3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.

4 One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.

5 For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.

6 And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.

7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.

8 When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.

9 Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.

10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.

11 Teach me thy way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.

12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.

13 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

---

It's Been a LONG Time!

Well, guess who's back?? That's right, the Bowailey's are back. It's been a long time, but we had to take a little hiatus for a while. A LOT of shit was going on, and I chose to take down my website because of certain people, namely my cousin Sarah. I was afraid she would read my journal and use shit against me. To make a long story short, she tried to pull Bryan away from me and it worked, just not to her advantage and not for a long period of time. Little did I know that Sarah would be the least of my worries.

I have since found out that I have was cheated on sometime at the end of January. Bryan and I got into a nasty altercation in March. A couple of them. We were broke up, but we still saw each other from time to time and he always told me how much he loved me and how much he missed me but we were like oil and water, man. Not good together. However, a couple of days after hearing about how much he loves me and misses me, I dropped by his house (I had a reason, I'm just not going to detail it here) and, to make a long story short, he had a girl over there. A nasty one who had !TITS! popping out all over. Needless to say, I flipped out. Because I really didnt think things could get any worse than the Sarah situation. But they did, dramatically. I restrained myself from beating her ass but I DID try to run him over. After that, I completely fucking avoided having anything to do with his ass and started making plans to move back to Pensacola. One night, I went out with Lynn and Bryan's best friend, who is ALSO my friend, Dave, and we accidentally ran into Bryan at the same place. I was looking around for !TITS! but I didn't see her. He actually ended up being there with ANOTHER girl, this one was real ugly but she at least had enough respect for herself to dress decently. AND she left me alone, which was a very smart choice. This is another long story, but I'm going to make it short. He ended up leaving the bar with me that night. Not because we were intoxicated, which we were NOT. He approached me, and we began talking (it must have been the pills I was taking because, at the time, I totally hated his fucking guts) and one thing led to another and his hand was on my leg and we were laughing and talking and I forgot all about the girl he was with who was off in the corner calling everyone on her cell phone. I heard this from the bartender afterwards, who thought it was funny. We've been together ever since. Reparations have been made, apologies made and accepted, and I am trying hard to move on.

It's harder than I thought it would be. Little things keep popping up to remind me of !TITS! and the fact that he had sex with her more than once. It makes me sick to think that all the nights I was home alone, crying, wishing I was dead, and drinking myself to death he was running around with this saggily endowed moo cow and fucking her. And taking pictures of her moobs, which is MY word for "cow tits." And leaving them on his phone, which is how I found them. Yes, I was snooping. I have every god damn right to. Period. Finding the picture of her is actually a new development. I am so fucking mad about that that I slept on the couch last night. I still don't feel like being anywhere near him, which is good since he's not here. He's working right now.

He was using the phone I gave him to text message bitches, most of whom I didn't know, and one girl in particular who he admits he kissed one night WHILE he was living with me. Then he goes off and kisses MY COUSIN, who is also a dirty ass no respect having bitch. THEN I find him with !TITS! and after that, the other girl who I don't have a mean name for since she didn't do anything to me really. I kinda felt sorry for her. It must suck to spend some time with a guy and think it's all going well, only to have him dump you in front of all your friends in a public place to be with his ex girlfriend, who only days before was his sworn enemy. I'm not being sarcastic here. I'm sure she got over it. She SHOULD be thanking me.

But with the exception of his obvious disregard for my feelings regarding !TITS! he's actually been pretty good. He's been making serious efforts to grow up and be a man instead of the baby I've been coddling him into being. He's been warmer, more sensitive, and definitely more considerate. I feel like we've gotten a lot closer and, likewise, we've matured together. However, today I am pissed off. It's not like before where I was like, "Oh baby, oh baby, I need you, blah blah blah." Now I let him know that he can walk out that door forever and NOTHING can hurt as bad as what he's already put me through. I am prepared for anything.

So, that's a Bowailey update. I have more but I don't have time to write it all right now. I have to get ready for a couple of job interviews that I have today, back to back. Wish me LUCK!

Inspiration

I was downloading some music tonight because I still can't sleep (I've been up since 9:30 AM Monday morning.) I downloaded this song right here, because suddenly it popped into my head and I felt very inspired to listen to it. I know it by heart, I used to listen to it back in the days when I was 22 and confused and heartsick over life, and it used to make me feel better and understand. And the song was SO true. Since I cant figure out how to post music on my site yet, I'm going to post the lyrics and those who are interested can read them. I got the chills while listening to it.

Blues Traveler - Just Wait Lyrics

If ever you are feeling like your tired
and all your uphill
struggles leave you headed downhill
if you realize your
wildest dreams can hurt you
and your appetite for pain has
drinken its fill
i ask of you a very simple question
did you think for one minute that you are alone?
and is
your suffering a privelege you share only?
or did you think
that everybody else feels completely at home?

Chorus:
Just Wait..........Just Wait...........Just
Wait.......And It Will Come

if you think ive given up
on you,your crazy
and if you dont think i dont love you
well then your just wrong
in time you just might take to
feeling better
Time is the beauty of the road being long
i know that now you feel no consolation
but maybe if i
told you and informed you out loud
i say this without fear
of hesitation
i can honestly tell you that you make me
proud

Chorus:
Just Wait..........Just Wait...........Just
Wait.......And It Will Come

if anything i might've
just said now has helped you
if anything i might've just said
helped you just carry on
your rise uphill may no longer
seem a struggle
and your appetite for pain may all but be
gone
i hope for you and cannot stop at hoping
until
that smile has once again returned to your face
theres no
such thing as a failure who keeps trying
coasting to the
bottom is the only disgrace

Chorus:
Just Wait..........Just Wait...........Just
Wait.......And It Will Come

I know it's been a while since I've updated my blog. I don't want anyone to think I fell off the face of the earth or anything.

When I went to my appointment, the lady I met with took one look at me and immediately recommended what they call a "partial hospitilization program". What this is is an alternative to the hospital, or in most cases, it's a treatment program that people who are discharged from the hospital go to before completely re entering the regular world. It's very intensive and it lasts six hours a day, Monday through Friday. I couldn't tell this woman no, since she was so obviously trying to help me, so I agreed to go to the program. I figured it couldn't get any worse and at this point, I'm not throwing away anyone's suggestions.

So I agree to go the next day, Friday. So imagine my terror the night before. All Thursday night I was a wreck just thinking about it. I've been in day treatment programs before, twice, both when I was a teenager. I know nothing about them now, and I was scared to death, for any number of reasons. First of all, in order for me to accept this treatment, I was going to have to be in a room full of people I don't know (fuck!) talking about my most intimate, personal issues with them. (fuck! fuck!) I went anyway, and I have continued to go, since then. It has been a challenge every day. I wake up most mornings feeling anxious and nervous, but by the time I get there and settle in a bit I'm okay. I have made a few acquaintances and I am feeling a little more comfortable. I set little goals for myself every day. It's part of my treatment. My goal yesterday was just to stay positive, because yesterday I was feeling very negative. I did, however, accomplish that goal. I have accomplished every small goal I've set for myself so far, and that alone is progress.

I haven't updated my journal because I am in the program from nine until three, and then when I get home, I spend time with Alexa and Bryan. I don't feel like writing about it when I get home because frankly, I am usually spent. I don't feel like talking about it now, other than to say I am making progress and I can tell I am making progress. My expected discharge date, at this point, is February 9th. After that I will be referred to more one on one intensive therapy, but it will be like once a week instead of every day. I am going to make this work for me if it's the last thing I do. I have tasted normalcy...and I like it. I enjoy getting up early in the morning and having somewhere to go, like every one else, even if it's not work. It does wonders for me.

My only complaint thus far is that my doctor refuses to prescribe me anything to calm my nerves. I suppose it's because sometimes those types of medications can be addicting, and I am on government insurance after all, and well, wouldn't it just suck if the government had to support my addiction? LOL So I am coping without it, but I have been very honest with them about the fact I self medicate with marijuana. Drug tests are part of the program, and I'm not going to get anything out of it if I'm not completely honest. They won't punish me for having THC in my system, but it will delay the process of my recovery. I have told them about the cocaine use this past summer, so they probably think I'm an addict, even though I'm the farthest thing away from an addict I can be. Once the doctor agrees to give me something that I can use (situationally, if that's a word) for my nerves when I need it, I will totally stop smoking weed. I only smoke weed now to feel normal. I no longer get high, I just get normal. I would rather not smoke weed at all, so hopefully this situation will change.

So there is my update. I am not at the program today because yesterday I think I got a little overstimulated and woke up this morning with a very intense panic attack. This is not fun to wake up to; all my muscles are tight and constricted, my back hurts, everything is tense, I can't breathe, my heart pounds in my ears and in my chest, and I feel like I'm going to die. Bryan got up with me and rubbed my back, but I was unable to fall back asleep, and I knew that it would be a tremendous struggle for me to go the program today, feeling like I did. So I took the day off and I am still sitting here feeling anxious as hell. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel....