FEBRUARY 21, 2007

Random

Current mood:anxious

Let me tell you how I feel about therapy and church, two things that keep coming up in conversation.

Therapy is a wonderful thing and I wholeheartedly believe it works for people who truly want to get better. They used desensitization therapy to get me over my anxiety, and while its not completely cured, it sure is a lot better. I havent been treated for depression in a long time, because it hasnt been a problem, until now. I feel like therapy cannot help my current situation, because my depression is situational and not a chemical imbalance. So is the anxiety, actually. I am so anxious right now that I am shaking like Im cold and I feel like Im going to throw up. This is normal in the mornings, but this morning is pretty bad.

Now, as for church. I believe in God, but not in the passionate, fervent way that I should. I guess Im waiting for something to believe in. Everyone wants to me praise God and thank him for my life, but what exactly am I supposed to be thankful for? My life has been nothing but a nightmare with a few periods of peace in between. In order for me to be thankful, I have to compare myself to someone elses shitty life and say to myself, "Oh, well, praise God because at least I dont have it as bad as HER." This doesnt work for me. Like I said, I believe in God, but right now, I am waiting for some kind of sign, something that shows me its not all bullshit. Going to church with Kristi and Mike was a huge help but I left there still wondering.

My family will be here today. I cant believe how much this drama has touched everyones life. I cant believe how ANXIOUS I am. I cant believe I really feel this way. I cant believe that the person I thought Bryan was isnt the person that he is at all. I just feel sick.