JUNE 21ST, 2006

LORD HAVE MERCY!

Well, I deleted my last entry. It had too much of my business in it. I have learned that there is no such thing as privacy on the net. That's okay, though...even though I have a big mouth, I can handle keeping it shut for my own good once in a while.

I am very stressed about this weekend. My husband's parents are coming to visit and they have NO idea that Shawn and I are seperated. I love my in laws and I don't know how to act. Not only that, but I haven't been home in well over a week. I'm pretty sure they're going to pick up on the vibe that something is wrong. Shawn and I are getting along just fine but it doesn't take a genius to sense that something has gone wrong. I am just hoping I can get through it without a huge mental breakdown. Things have happened so fast that neither me nor Shawn have had time to really sit down and hash it out. Sometimes I wonder if I am making a mistake and then I realize that I have been having issues with my marriage for well over a year. It's just that I DO love my husband and hurting him like I am hurting him right now just makes me want to avoid the situation altogether. I know thats not fair, but thats how I feel. I am being selfish and I know it. Plus, on the flip side of the situation, I am also very very happy..most of the time.

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck it is I am doing and all the doubts start creeping in, telling me this and that. When this happens, I tend to get a little freaked out. I am a good judge of character but I am also not always right. Could I really believe that this person cares about me? Do I think I'm worth it? (YES) Is he worth it? (I think so) Can I handle dealing with someone who, although has had lots of life experience, still has a lot to learn? (I dont know.) Does any of that matter when I feel so happy when I am with him? (I dont know.) I'm trying to let it ride, and go with the flow, but the Taurus in me is SCREAMING for validation. My Taurus side HATES this situation. My God, there is no plan, there is no certainty, and very little security. Does this mean I have to TRUST? Shit.