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Thursday, November 16, 2006

Text Messages

Okay, who is the smart ass that keeps texting me, asking me to call 867-5309?

Very funny.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Are You Fucking Serious?

I am in a "fuck it" mood today. Boy, I am not pleased with shit at all. I feel like the world needs a great big kick to the balls. I am sick of EVERY fucking BODY. How did a superior being like God create such inane beings? Humans MUST be a lesser form of life. We are just so fucking dumb.

Here's an example. Every woman goes through their monthly thing. We all know how painful and irritating inconvenience it can be. There's really nothing to look forward to about it. Me, personally, I suffer from a becoming-more-common-now-that-we-can-sell-more-drugs disorder called PMDD. PMDD is the same as PMS, except multiply the effects of it by about a hundred thousand. This is the joy of PMDD: Crazy, intense mood swings complete with hysterical tears over nothing and blind, knife-wielding rage over toilet seat being left up. Uterus-ripping cramps that begin a full ten days before period begins and do not end until the last drop of blood has been expelled. Body chills, extreme rage, intense pain.....the list goes on and on. So when I feel this time of the month approaching (it usually begins with mood swings, then cramps and mood swings, and always a full ten days or so before my period actually begins) I know it's time to buckle my seat belt....we're going for a painful ride. Nothing to look forward to, actually.

So, anyway, this month I decide to buy a new brand of feminine hygiene product. It comes in a bright package with cheery colors and of course, the ever present flowers. As I took off the plastic wrapping and unfolded it, I saw a piece of paper stuck to the other side of the adhesive. In a bright and cheery green, complete with a picture of a daisy, it read, "Have a happy period!"

Have a happy period? What? Are you kidding? Are you NUTS? I realize that it's not the end of the world, ladies, but wouldn't it be going a little too far for them to suggest to us that we ENJOY the hell that is wreaked upon our bodies every month? I chuckled to myself as I imagined the freckle faced dweeby corporate executive who created THAT ad. May God have mercy on his soul.

I want to talk about something else, too. There are certain people on my mind right now that are not in my life, and although I miss them, I don't miss the bullshit. Just a note to them, and you know who you are: Get rid of him. He's a loser, a liar, a user and a manipulator. I know you have self esteem issues but you deserve better. The only reason I haven't smacked him in the mouth yet is because of my suffering relationship with you, but you are the only person who can come to your senses. I miss you and will welcome you back into my life but only if he is no longer in it. Period. Meanwhile, I want you know that I am very happy. I bet that pisses you off. But, surprise! He loves me. Betcha didn't see that comin, huh?

I'm off. I feel like thinking.



Saturday, November 11, 2006

Airhorn Fun

Check this out. The idea behind this prank was for Bryan to airhorn Megan, his brother's girlfriend. Even though I KNEW he was going to get her with the airhorn, my reaction was a lot stronger than hers. Check this out. It's funny. (Watch me carefully.) Enjoy!!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Okay, So Here We Go

Thanks, everyone, for responding to my post asking for advice on whether or not I should leave Michigan. I appreciated ALL the feedback from everyone. Let me just take the time to answer a few questions.

The only reason, and I mean ONLY, reason I left Florida was because I got scared of the hurricanes. Now I know there are things much worse than hurricanes and at least you get SOME warning when they're coming.

No, I haven't really brought up the subject to Alexa yet. I'm going to soon, because I am going to plant the idea in her head and give her time to mull it over before she makes a final decision.

I'd like to clarify also that I have been completely cocaine free for three whole months. In that three months time, I have been intoxicated twice. (Alcohol has never been a problem for me, nor will it ever be.) I have no desire to ever touch the stuff again.

As for Bryan, I placed him in a take it or leave it situation. I explained that if we were to decide to move to Florida, I would probably ask him to come along, depending on the status of our relationship at that time. I was going with or without him. Considering BOTH of our natures, I even suggested that I leave and get settled and if it's right, send for him. It's not really been discussed at length, although I certainly think that getting Bryan out this no win situation he's found himself in will improve his chances of bettering his life and THIS is very important to me because I love this man very much and I want to be with him but NOT LIKE THIS. However, whatever he chooses to do is not really important to me. What's important to me is returning to my old, stable, happy self in a positive environment for me and Alexa.

So I am still thinking about it. I have been very reflective lately, not to mention more than a little fed up with Bryan's antics. Just when I think I have a grip on him, he fucks up again. Tonight, for example, I went up the the club to meet with Bryan, his brother Jeff (who is returning back to the Army in Germany tomorrow), Dave, and Jeff's girlfriend Megan. Bryan and I had had a horrible night the night before, and I decided that even though there were some things that needed to be discussed about the previous night's events, that it could wait until tomorrow. This is Jeff's last day here and I felt it would be selfish of me to monopolize Bryan's time with relationship stuff that can wait. So I agreed to meet them all at the bar and everything was going fine until I felt my internal "annoy-a-meter" suddenly rise. Bryan was hardly paying any attention to me at all. Now, I am having PMS like a motherfucker right now, and I tend to get emotional and a little temperamental in times like these. So I thought maybe I was just being a little overly sensitive and forced myself to be nice to him every time he talked to me even though what I really wanted to do was just snap his fucking head off. At one point, he came over and rubbed my back a little and was very sweet to me, but I noticed he kept picking up his drink and sitting at another table right next to the coat check. This was puzzling because he would do this while everyone else was out on the dance floor and it was just me sitting there. It pissed me off that he would get up and leave me and go sit at another table. So, I followed him over there and sat next to him and noticed right away that he was having conversations with the coat check girl an awful lot. Yeah. So, I peeked in to get a look at her, and she looked like Shrek. So I relaxed a little bit about that and sighed heavily to show my annoyance. Bryan caught on to it and we started cuddling and talking. About five minutes later, he turned to Coat Check girl and said something to her. They proceeded to engage in a ten minute conversation while I sat there feeling like a fucking third wheel. It seemed to me that every time he turned his head toward me she would say something else. And Bryan is a very friendly, nice, talkative people person, so he's just blabbing his big ass mouth away and I'm sitting there feeling my rage build. It's not a good rage. Dave walked by me and noticed the look on my face and I said loudly, "I'm just a little fucking annoyed right now." He glanced over at Bryan and back at me, and I knew instantly that he understood why. He shrugged his shoulders and smiled at me. I got up and went to talk to Megan and told her why I was pissed. She turned around, looked at Coat Check Girl, and said, "Hmmph. Look at her and look at you. You gotta get over it." I burst out laughing and in rare moment of playfulness I hugged Bryan, who was STILL talking to Coat Check Girl. I sat and patiently waited for about five more minutes and then I couldn't take anymore. I felt like I was about to take off like a rocket. Seriously. I have only felt that kind of rage once, and that was right before I punched Stephanie K in the mouth in the cafeteria in 9th grade. I felt like my arms were going to start swinging and that I was going to burst into tears any minute. I got up, grabbed my purse and keys, stepped in between their heads to stop their conversation, and waved in Bryan's face. "Bye," I said. "I'm leaving." The motherfucker had the audacity to look surprised. "What?" he asked, and I was already three feet away from him. Dave stepped over and gave me a hug, and then out of the corner of my eye I saw him immediately step over to Bryan and say something to him. (Thank God for Dave. He is the voice of sanity in my life sometimes.) I went out to my car, came home, and now I'm writing this. It's not a big deal, I know I'm being retarded about it......but why did it feel like the bitch was testing me???? Am I overreacting or it is just fucking RUDE to carry on a conversation with a guy when it's obvious his girlfriend is sitting right next to him but the motherfucker is so retarded he seems to have forgotten that she's there, and now you're just manipulating all his time? Is it just me?? Huh??

Whew. So, anyways. Yeah. I'm off to find something to eat. Even though it's almost four in the morning. I must find sustenance.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Just A Short Little Funny Note

I'm going to write a bigger post, probably tomorrow night, to respond to some of the questions and comments in my last entry, but I am so tired tonight that there is no way I could finish it. Also, I have a lot to do. Tomorrow I am hosting a barbecue at my house for Bryan's brother Jeff and his whole family, plus all our friends, will be here. Not to mention I AM NOT READY SINCE BRYAN FAILED TO TELL ME EVERYTHING UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE. So I need to go to sleep so I can get up, clean this whole house, get ready, run a bunch of errands, and get back here in time to start cooking. I can feel the stress already settling in, but at least I don't have to put on airs with them. They're family. If they don't like that I'm not ready when they get here, oh well. If one of them complains, I'll just kindly remind them of a time that THEY had made ME wait. Hmmph.

Anyway, I thought I would share this. Tonight, Bryan and I stopped at Speedway to get some drinks. On our way there, I heard him singing under his breath. I perked up my ears to see what he was singing. You remember that old song by Simon and Garfunkel called "Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover." You remember that one? "Slip out the back, Jack...make a new plan, Stan...no need to be coy, Roy...just get yourself free....hop on the bus, Gus...don't need to discuss much, just drop off the key, Lee...and get yourself free." (I think those are the words, someone let me know if I'm wrong, I am just too tired to look it up right now, LOL) Anyways, he's sitting there singing that song and I cannot believe my ears when he replaces the word "Gus" with "Cuz." As in, "Cousin." As in ghetto ass gangster style "Cuz". I started laughing hysterically but just to be sure, I asked him to sing it again. Looking a little confused, he sang it again and sure enough, I heard it loud and clear: "Hop on the bus, cuz." While wiping away my tears of hysterical laughter, I said, "Honey, you know that's not what he really says, don't you?"

"No," he said.

"He says 'Gus', not 'cuz' ," I told him.

Offended, he replied, "Well, that's what I thought he said. Who cares anyway? Maybe I don't know anyone named Gus and maybe I want my cousin to get on the bus."

I was still shaking my head when he went into the store and it probably took a full five minutes before I stopped laughing at that one. That's Bryan humor for you. Senseless, stupid, but ALWAYS funny.

***Andy, I know you enjoyed that one.