FEBRUARY 16, 2007

Considerations

Current mood:melancholy

Im just sitting here thinking right now. Im pretty mellow but still very, very sad. And oh my God, I am so lonely right now. LOL. There is nothing to do, no one to talk to, and I am beside myself. And that fuckin possum is STILL trying to break through my bathroom cabinets.

I am really pissed off right now. For a couple of reasons. For one, I had to let someone go out of my life today. Someone who was only making things worse for me. Thats always hard, but its easier than I thought it would be. For one thing, I ve been through similar situations with her before. For another, its just time. Simply put, the time has finally come for me to stick up for myself.

Also, I got told off today by my nephews exgirlfriends new husband. That shit hurt my feelings. I have always been really good to her, and I raised her son, who is my great nephew, like he was my own. She and I have always gotten along but she left and took her son with her and none of us have seen her. She had her reasons and Im not going to go into them on here. I have been calling and leaving messages, because I saw her a couple of  months ago and she gave me her number, but we have yet to actually talk. So tonight I decided to call, Ive called once a month since Ive had the number, and THIS motherfucker gets on the phone and starts talking about how Im ruining their lives or some such shit and I stayed calm and tried to be reasonable, because he HAS been raising my great nephew and he IS her husband and I understand him being worried about any problems taking place. He kept hanging up on me and I kept trying to be reasonable. Finally, I quit calling back. Fuck it. It hurt my feelings, and I feel like Im in a shitstorm right now, but what can I do about it? Fuck that motherfucker, anyways. Hes lucky I dont drive down there and whoop his ass for talking to me like that. I dont know who he thinks he is, but he better step lightly around me. Im crazy, remember?

Im tired, but I am SO scared that if I go to bed this early, Ill be up at 4 AM. Once I wake up, Im up. I dont want any more of that torture. I wonder when that is going to stop? I did NOT cry this morning, for the first time in about a week, but I did choke up a little this afternoon. God, I hate mornings. I HATE falling asleep. I REALLY HATE waking up. When I first wake up, my first thought is usually, no no no no its still dark out and then I just have to look at the clock. By the time I see what time it is, my heart gets hit with a sudden rush and everything comes flooding back to me. I lay there and try to ignore it, try to fight it, but usually the thoughts in my hea djust get louder until I decide I need a cigarette and I get up and smoke and pace. Theres no way I can sleep through those kinds of feelings. And not only do I have to go through that, but I also have to worry about that fucking possum.