Surprise, Sondra! Your whole life has been a LIE!
Current mood:
indescribable
indescribableBryan returned his phone to me, the one I shut off. We spent a day together, it went well, we got some talking done. Its a given that this relationship is not going to work, we both know that, but weve both always enjoyed our friendship and we decided to try and maintain that. The day that he was here he even got involved in the middle of a "family discussion" and everyone was impressed that he cared as much as he did. That night, he even began crying to me about a lot of things that he keeps bottled up, and I comforted him. I felt more at peace, because it no longer seemed so bad. My cousin was out of the picture, and it looked like things might actually heal.
Last night, I sat down and because I was curious, I decided to look through his phone. He deleted everything...his call list, his pictures, everything. But he forgot to delete his text messages. I sat there and read through every single one of them, and I learned a lot. A LOT.
I learned that he had been texting someone named Wendy and had even went out with her at least once while he was living with me. He sent her several messages on New Years Eve night, the night he decided to be an asshole to me in front of our company so I went to bed early to avoid a fight. He was texting her to ask if she wanted to go out the following Friday. He told her that he enjoyed spending time with her and that he wanted to do it again soon. This has been going on since the beginning of December, at least. He also text messaged back and forth with someone named Amanda. I also found a message that he had sent to my cousin saying that he thought they should just be friends, that it had nothing to do with me, that he had just been doing a lot of thinking.
I was shocked. I NEVER thought anything like that was going on. To make a long story short, I ended up asking him about it over the phone. I just simply asked who Wendy was. There was a long moment of silence, and then he said, "What?" LOL Later on, he told me she was a friend from school, which is another lie because in one of the messages he sent her he said, "Oh youre 26, I thought you were 22 but thats cool." Who does he think hes talking to? I pointed out to him that if she was just a friend then I would know who she was. I had never ever heard of a Wendy. Hes such a fucking liar. After I called him on his bullshit, he got frustrated and stated that he wasnt going to let ME ruin HIS night (imagine that!) so he hung up on me. I sat here and cried, yes, and I freaked out, yes, but mostly from the shock of it. I stupidly trusted him. I HAD NO IDEA. And it really pissed Ricky and Serra off because hes coming over here and acting like hes part of the family. I mean to tell you, everyone that knows US is shocked. I feel sick to my stomach to know that everything I thought was true was a lie. I have never felt so emotionally abused in my life. And this comes just a day or so after he sat here in my room and cried to me about how no one has ever made him feel as good about himself as I do, and that he really loves me. Real tears, seemingly true emotions. All fake. Everything is one big lie. Hes been sneaking around behind my back for months. And he probably fucked my cousin too, on the night that they both turned off their phones after she picked him up from the side of the road, while I sat here bleeding and crying. Un fucking believeable.
Hes only called me once, and I picked up the phone and said that I had nothing left to say, were done talking, its over. Then I hung up without waiting for a response. The Bryan I thought I loved is not the Bryan that he really is, and I cant tell you how heartbreaking that is. All these times that Ive apologized and groveled and sought help for my anxiety and depression and all along he knew he was doing me wrong but he still allowed me to take most of the blame for the failure of our relationship, when in fact, it was never a real relationship in the first place.I cant stop thinking about it, but I almost feel relieved in a way that everything was a lie. I guess that makes it easier for me to move on than it would if this was a real relationship breaking up even though two people mutually love each other. I can no longer delude myself that this is what this is. He does not love me. He never has. I let myself think that he did because I loved him so much. I threw my life away for this person and now I must reconcile that. And it will be a long, long, long, long, time before I even think about trusting someone again. I dont know that I ever will. I have never been betrayed this way.
So, theres my great news. Whoop dee doo, right? I may finally get to have the mental breakdown thats been threatening to come for weeks. Its all right though, if I do break down, because then I can push all the negativity out with crying and anger and all that, and then I will feel redeemed. He will never listen to anything I have to say so I must find another way to express myself. I did call his sister today to give her a brief overview. She said, "You're kiiiidddiiiiing," in total and utter disbelief. After we hung up she called me back and said, "I just want to let you know that I know youre upset and everything, but let him be someone elses problem. Just let him be someone elses problem now." Very sound advice, I think.
So, I am sitting here trying to relax. I am so used to feeling shattered like this that I swear its not even affecting me any more. I feel almost relieved. Its weird
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