New Year's and Pictures!

Me at the airport in Flint, sick as a dog and excited to get home and see my family.
Me and Montana, who thinks I am her real mom. I don't think she knows she is a cat.
The moon and stars tat on my neck that is almost three years old now, but I love it.
Me and Alexa....I swear I look like my dad with makeup on.
Montana and Bryan...awwwwwwww.
The face that I love!

Me working on something. I don't like how fat my arms look in this pic!
Daniel again....not sure what's going on here!
Alexa, who is growing up way faster than I thought she would. Where is my toddler???!!!
Daniel on Alexa's birthday.


Taken on the east side of Flint in October when I visited Michigan. I thought this was TOO funny.





I hate new Year's. New Year's Eve is a terrible holiday. At least I don't have to worry about it too much tonight since I have to work tomorrow morning. I am really looking forward to starting fresh.

Bryan and I are getting our own seperate places come tax time. I am sick of living with other people. I am sick of worrying about everyone else and putting myself last. I am tired of paying all this expensive rent that none of us can afford. For years, I have had champagne taste on a beer budget. This time, I am doing something that I can afford and the only people that I will have to worry about is me and Alexa. I don't care if I live in a trailer, as long as it's affordable and clean.

This has been the year of me coming to terms with a lot of things about myself. Just trying to accept myself has been a challenge, but I think I'm making progress. It has been years and years since I've been independent, financially AND emotionally. I am making 2009 all about me. I have finally learned the value of hard work and independence. I don't WANT a relationship or feelings or anything extraneous like that interfering with my plans for this year. I need ALONE time. All I want to do is work, pay my bills, and work toward becoming even more independent by finishing school. I really need to; I can't wait tables forever. I love my job but it's barely enough to support myself so I have to find something else to do. Not only that, but I am really going to try and pursue a career that I can take with me anywhere I go, since I still have wanderlust....but at least I'll be able to support myself anywhere I go.

Bryan and I are still together, still going strong, but realistically, he has never lived on his own and I haven't lived alone for over five years. We both need this. It will either make or break our relationship I guess, but neither one of us are stressing it, really. This is just something that we need to do. If we don't make it, we don't make it but if we do then he's going to be forced to make some kind of commitment to me. Not marriage, because I don't think I want to do that again, but something. I guess we'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it. Not that important right now.

2008 brought someone special into ALL our lives. In March, a friend of ours needed a temporary place to stay so I rented him our third bedroom. He is still here and has become an absolutely integral part of our family. When we move, him and Bryan will get a place together. His name is Daniel and he is probably the closest person to me down here. We got close about three weeks after he moved in, when I got him a job at my restaurant. We ended up on the same shift and just became very good friends over the months. We all love him, he's very smart and a good person with a good heart, a hard worker, very responsible (did I mention clean?) and carries with him a special persona that I don't think anyone else could get away with. I intend to know Daniel for the rest of my life...and I know Bryan feels the same way. His friendship and common sense is carrying me through this time that I have to spend in Pensacola. Right now I miss him a lot because he is visiting his family in Washington for the holidays.

Tonight, I will probably make dinner and everything but I don't think I'll stay up til midnight. I have to work in the morning anyway. This is always an emotional holiday for me. But at least this year I have made some actual concrete plans that will take shape sometime in February probably.

This is what 2009 means to me:
7 years since I lost Heather to a heroin overdose. It seems like longer.
9 years since one of my closest friends, Tom, died in a tragic accident.
3 years for me and Bryan.
28 years since my mother died.
2.5 years since I quit binging on drugs.
1 year since I've drank. (This is not a hard one.)
2 years that I've been in Florida. (Already!)

Happy New Year to everyone! Here are some pics.....

December Ramblings

This is me and my BFF, Lynn. I went to Michigan and visited everyone last month and that included a trip out to the bar with my friends. I absolutely don't drink alcohol anymore, so while everyone was living it up, I sat and drank cup after cup of coffee and enjoyed being social for the first time in almost two years.

Living here in Pensacola, I don't get out much. I work a lot and pay my bills and everything is extremely normal, but I just don't go anywhere. I don't want to. I have wondered if maybe I have fallen into some kind of depresssion, but I really don't think that's it. I think I am just bored. I miss my Michigan friends a lot. It's hard for me to make friends and bond with new people because I don't trust anyone. It takes a long time for someone to earn my trust. I don't want to experience the inevitable feelings of hurt and betrayal that come along with someone violating your trust, so I just stick to the friends and family that I know. I don't get much alone time and it makes me long for the times when I did live alone. I feel kind of lost lately. I have a lot of medical problems right now and I don't really have anyone to confide in. So even though I have people around me all the time, I feel more lonely than I have in a long time. I miss Lynn like there's no tomorrow, and my grandma, even Flint. The culture here is so different than what I'm used to. I didn't factor that in before I ran away from my problems in Flint, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I needed to get out of Flint. It's a ghost town.

So I feel kind of lonely and kind of lost. I long for someone to connect with emotionally, but given my current situation, I am stuck. It's okay, though. I remain optimistic.