FEBRUARY 17, 2007

Finality

Current mood:crazy

Okay, heres an update.

I made my page private because of Bryan and my cousin Sarah. Suddenly, theyre allies, and both of them have been lying to me and talking about me behind my back. A couple of weeks ago, when I decided to invite Sarah back into our lives after being estranged for about seven months, I warned him that she would be very manipulative. I asked him not to go behind my back and do certain things, because of the family history that I have with her. He agreed to it, and now he is doing exactly the opposite. If he ever loved me at all, he would not hurt me like this.

Tonight he said he would do a favor for me, and then I got an offer to go see my REAL cousin Andy. I didnt want to get out to her house too late, so I called him to see what time he would be home. He never answered. Now, this is a new game that hes been playing since---once again---hes decided to sniff up Sarahs ass. Finally, his phone picked up, and there was silence. Since I didnt hear anything, I sat and listened. Then I was sure I heard Sarah's voice, and then the phone hung up. I became quite hysterical and got in the car and started driving around. Of course, I called him several more times, but he didnt answer. Finally, the phone picked up and the first thing I heard was Sarahs voice screaming. I didnt hear any words, just screaming, and I IMMEDIATELY hit the end button on my phone. I pulled off to the side of the road, shaking to the very core of myself. I cannot even begin to describe the way I felt. Its too painful for me to even sit here and write about it, because it brings it all back.

Whew.

Anyway, guess what I did. Cried? Yup, a little bit. Not too much though. What I did was immediately call Sprint and disconnect his phone. Then I called his mother to explain. I left a message. Then I drove around some more, stopped at the pharmacy and bought some NyQuil, and then came home.

I got on the computer, changed the name of my blogspot journal and made it private, got on here, erased him from my friends list, and made this page private also. If I could only share with you HALF the pain and rage I feel right now.

I would change my phone numbers, but when I called to do that they wouldnt let me because I still owe on the bill. He hasn't called me yet and that was three and a half hours ago or so. Thats probably what he wanted from the very start. So the chances of him calling me are slim. If he does call me, it will have to be from someone else's phone.

Im sitting here manifesting my rage in the form of music. There is a song called "Love You More" by Eminem that accurately describes our relationship. Actually, a few songs about the relationship between Eminem and his wife really sound like me and Bryan. Right now, I am used to it, but in a few weeks or whenever when I go back and re read this, and see that I posted this song in reference to our relationship, I'll be embarassed. But this is how I feel:

"I Love You More"

[Intro]
You still love me?
Take this. [2 guns cock]
You ready? 1.. 2.. 3! [2 shots]


The more you, put me through,
The more it makes me wanna come back to you,
You say you hate me, I just love you more,
You don't want me, I just want you more,
I buy you flowers, you throw 'em at me,
I know it's sad but it's makin me happy,
The more that you slap me, the more that it turns me on,
Cuz you love me, and I love you more.

[Verse 1]
It's sick, but who could ever predict,
We'd be doin' the same shit,
We say we do it for our baby but we don't,
We do it for us, it's lust,
Cuz neither one of us trusts each other,
So we fuck 'til we bust,
Then we cuss each other, out,
We know what it's about,
Shout 'til I throw you out the house,
You throw me out the house,
I throw you on the couch,
Punch you in the mouth,
Fist fight 'til we turn this mother OUT,
And apologize after,
Laughter, pain, it's insane,
We're back in the same chapter again,
And it's sad but it's true,
When I'm layin' here with you,
There ain't nothin' anyone could ever say ever do.

The more you, put me through,
The more it makes me wanna come back to you,
You say you hate me, I just love you more,
You don't want me, I just want you more,
I buy you flowers, you throw 'em at me,
I know it's sad but it's makin me happy,
The more that you slap me, the more that it turns me on,
Cuz you love me, and I love you more.

[Verse 2]
Cuz I hate you, do you hate me?
Good cuz you're so fuckin' beautiful when you're angry,
It makes me wanna just take you,
And just throw you on the bed,
And fuck you like I don't even know you,
You fuck other people, and I fuck other people,
You a slut but I'm equal, I'm a mutt,
We're both evil in our ways,
But neither one of us would ever admit it,
Cuz one of us would have one up on the other,
So forget it,
We can make accusations, people spread rumors,
But they ain't got proof,
'Til they do it's just the two of us,
It's you and me, cuz any chick can say that she's screwin' me,
But you gotta believe me to a degree,
Cuz if you didn't I wouldn't be hittin' it,
Yeah I would cuz the sex is too damn good,
If I ran who would I run to,
That would be this soft and warm,
So it's off and on, usually more off than on,
But at least we know that we share this common bond,
You're the only one I can fuck without a condom on,
I hope, the only reason that I cope,
Is cuz of that fact,
And plus I can bust in that,
And that's why...

The more you, put me through,
The more it makes me wanna come back to you,
You say you hate me, I just love you more,
You don't want me, I just want you more,
I buy you flowers, you throw 'em at me,
I know it's sad but it's makin me happy,
The more that you slap me, the more that it turns me on,
Cuz you love me, and I love you more.

[Verse 3]
I could never understand it,
That's why I don't try,
From junior high until we both die,
It's silly oh why must we try,
Is it really so rough,
That we must always call each other's billy goat's gruff,
Try to pull each other's legs,
Until the other begs,
We're liein' to ourselves,
That's the beauty of it yeah,
Cuz we truly love each other,
That's why we always fight,
And all we do is shove each other,
Every other fuckin' night,
And it's clear it ain't gonna change,
It's pent up rage,
We both have,
We both feel like we've been upstaged by someone else,
We've both been,
Someone else's someone else,
Problem is neither one wants help,
It's an addiction and it can't be fixed,
Our family's mixed up,
There's a baby sister in the mix,
And it hurts cuz the pieces to the puzzle don't fit,
And anybody who thinks they know us doesn't know SHIT,
And they're probably just tired of hearin' it all the time,
On every song, every lyric, and every rhyme,
All the hoopla, all of the whoopdy whoop,
What you put me through, fuckin' whoopdy doo,
But I won't be made a fool of,
If this is true love,
You wouldn't do what,
You did last time,
You wouldn't screw up,
This time,
Cuz this time girl,
I'm tellin you what,
You do it again I'm fuckin you up,
No matter what...

[Bridge]
What you say, what you do,
I'ma hunt you down 'til I find you,
No matter where you run, I'll be right there,
Right behind you, in your nightmares,
All the flowers, and the candy,
All the times that you threw it back at me,
You told me you hate me, you gon' hate me more,
When you find out, can't escape me whore.

The more you, put me through,
The more it makes me wanna come back to you,
You say you hate me, I just love you more,
You don't want me, I just want you more,
I buy you flowers, you throw 'em at me,
I know it's sad but it's makin me happy,
The more that you slap me, the more that it turns me on,
Cuz you love me, and I love you more.


So, tonight is going to be rough. I am all alone, which is nothing new these days. Sometimes I feel numb, sometimes I cannot stand the way I feel at all. I havent been sleeping well because any time anything wakes me up, Im up. I cant go back to sleep because Im reminded of everything in a sudden rush of pain and sorrow. Thats what the Nyquil is for. I am BOUND and DETERMINED to sleep well tonight. I have nothing more to worry about. There is no more "what if" or "maybe". There will be no more Sondra and Bryan, whether it be friendship or otherwise. God DAMN I cannot tell you all how much that hurts, because we have an AWESOME friendship. Our relationship was troubled, but our friendship was very solid. Or at least I thought so. Evidently, it wasnt.

Even some of his friends are confused. My friends that know both of us are confused. Everyone is confused and baffled and bewildered. It is nice to know that I am not the only one sitting here blinking my eyes in shock. I just hope he realizes someday what he lost.

As for Sarah...I cant put into writing what I really want to say, but I just hope our paths never cross. Ever. I would talk to Bryan again before Id ever talk to her again. I hope I never, ever see her again. I told my grandma today to never call me if anything bad happened to Sarah. I dont care. I dont want to hear it. The only time I want a phone call on her behalf is if shes dead so I can go spit on her grave. Piece of shit backstabbing lying manipulative crazy fucking bitch.

So Im going to attempt to get ready for bed now, which means getting comfortable, trying to smoke some weed, and downing that Nyquil for extra insurance. Wish me luck.

 Angela Glowacki
OK.  I am confused.  You said that you heard Sarah screaming?  Like in pain, anger, or throws of passion?  If is the throws of passion...let me say this...And, Sondra, this is nothing new to you.  We had this conversation once before.......Bryan is a BOY.  He wants a MOMMY.  And since he is a BOY, he is going to sniff around any bitch that will give him half a chance at it.  And since you knew you couldn't trust Sarah, then you shouldn't be that shocked.  But, I am glad that you are moving on from this fiasco.  He was toxic for you and your daughter.  AND he was dangerous to have around you and your daughter... in many ways.  But, I am concerned you are already talking about how you would still talk to him and that you are still waiting for him to call.  CUT him OUT!  Cut all contact.  If you don't, you will be swept right back in and then you will still be in this vicious circle that you have been in since you met him.  Concentrate on your daughter and get yourself some SERIOUS help.  I love you, but I will do something to protect her if you don't.  I mean it.  It is not a threat- as one person who was abused to another- you should undersand my point of view- and some day you might thank me for it.  Please, please, for the love of God and your child- get some help and cut that loser out of your lives- for good!