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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

What I Have To Say

This was left on my comments section on the last post:

Yo Mama said...

Oh Boo Whoo!
If you ain't bitch'n about everyone else, you're feeling sorry for yourself. Get your ass out of bed,& back to class.

Actually, I know this sounded very harsh.(do I have your attention? ;) As one of your readers, it's my way of telling you, that you are better than this....and you will see the light soon. Sorry your in a 'funk' better yet, sorry you have to live with that pic for the next 4 years.HEE-HEE

10:13 PM


I say:

Fuck you. You don't know me. Pussy.


And another one:

Big Ben said...

drugs are bad

5:53 PM

Big Ben...you are absolutely right.



That's all I have to say for now.




Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The Smoke is Clearing

This is my new driver's license picture. I wasn't aware that I was going to have to take a new picture when I renewed it on my 29th birthday. Since I had just gotten my Michigan license in July, I thought they would use THAT picture instead. So I did not put on any makeup or anything.

Worse than that, you can tell I've been up to something. Just look at my eyes and how flushed my cheeks are and how red my nose is. Ugh. It serves me right that I have to look at this ugly ass picture for the next FOUR YEARS.


I have been immobile for a few days. I haven't moved from my bed..I just laid there and slept and ate and slept some more. For the most part, I have been uncommunicative, although there have been a few people I have spoken to. Right now, I feel nauseous and tired even though last night I felt fine, and I keep hoping that that feeling will go away so I can enjoy this day, which just happens to be my third wedding anniversary. I haven't been to class in a couple of days, so I need to go today even though I still don't want to. My sinuses are killing me still.


I guess you could say I tried to kill myself, even though I wasn't consciously aware that's what was going on. Ugh.

The smoke in my mind has cleared and I feel pretty good mentally for the first time in over a month. Physically, I feel like shit. My nose won't stop running...it hurts to the touch...my stomach is upset...I am extremely tired, etc. It will probably take a while to get back to feeling normal, but I am not sure how long that will be. I hope it's soon...I just want to be my old self again. I don't like myself a whole hell of a lot right now, and that was always my strongest trait. I don't have anything to fall back on right now.

So, to all my friends like Kristi and my cousin Andy..I know I owe everyone an apology for being such an ass, and I am sorry. I love you all. But I guess when I have nothing positive to say, I just avoid the very people who care about me the most. It's called "shame." Right now, I am ashamed of myself because I KNEW BETTER and I still did it anyway. Now I need to work to get my body chemistry back to what it was so I can feel normal again instead of like this, because if I didn't have a reason to get out of bed right now, I would not.

Monday, May 15, 2006

MOMS, BEWARE!



In the last year, my daughter hit puberty and went through a big growth spurt, growing UP and OUT in places she didn't even know existed. She is now twelve years old and stands about five foot six and a half inches. She weighs about one hundred and thirty five pounds, and has grown OUT of her training bra.

This weekend I took her to the mall to go shopping for new clothes and I was amazed and not to mention disheartened at the sheer number of GROWN MEN who were checking her out. I don't mean just looking at her appreciatively; I mean CHECKING HER OUT. It pissed me off so bad. She is still a CHILD...she won't even be THIRTEEN until NOVEMBER. I understand that she looks older than she really is. (I took her with me to school one day and a twenty three year old criminology major suavely asked her what her "major" was. "Her major," snapped my friend Kindra immediately, "is junior high.") "Oh, my God, I am so sorry," he said and blushed deep red. I told him it was okay. Now I am seeing that that is happening all the time.

And she likes the attention. She admitted to me that she likes it. So I gave her a talking to about self esteem and loving yourself and blah blah blah. But I can't get the image of her prancing around the mall while men were drooling over her out of my mind. Frankly, it scares the shit out of me. I think I am going to start carrying Mace in my purse and a big fucking baseball bat in my car.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Vidilife Sucks, Too

THEY FINALLY GOT MY MUSIC ON THIS PAGE AFTER ABOUT THREE WEEKS OF WAITING.

HERE IS MY ORIGINAL POST FROM THE DAY I CHANGED THE MUSIC ON THIS SITE

AND I DONT KNOW WHY I AM TYPING IN CAPS I GUESS I FEEL LIKE YELLING

IF YOU DONT LIKE IT, FUCK YOU


Time For Something New!

I am a huge Eminem fan. Yes, that's right, I am. And no, it's not because I think he's "so hot" because I really don't. And I am not even that big of a rap fan, even though I have nothing against it. But I LOVE this man. I LOVE him, even with all his faults. Don't we all have them?

His music is inspiring to me. He is so intelligent. And obviously is a lyrical genius. Half the songs on my IPod are from him. I love listening to him when I'm working out because he motivates me. He's political and radical and a free thinker. If he wasn't famous and I met him, we'd probably be best friends.

One of his songs from the 8 Mile soundtrack, "Lose Yourself," was instrumental in changing my life. Nothing pumps me up more than that song. And when I'm tired and ready to give up, as I have been this entire weekend, I think of the beginning lyrics to the song "Til I Collapse" and I feel better, knowing that someone identifies with me:

Sometimes you just feel tired, feel weak And when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up But you gotta search within you, try to find that inner strength and just pull that shit out of you And get that motivation not to give up, and not be a quitter No matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face, and collapse....

This is me. To a tee.

And then I discovered the song "Mosh", which is now my music on this page. I LOVE THIS SONG. I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT. And now YOU are going to listen to it. I am posting the lyrics right here.

I also really liked "White America." I need to get that song on here. Boy, if that song isn't true, I don't know what is.

For my fellow Bushie haters, these two songs were my energy during election time. It made me feel so good to know someone understood how I felt about this country and what it has come to. Mosh is a powerful and heavy song, and I would encourage someone who has never heard it before to take a listen and read the lyrics. You will be moved.


I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
And to the Republic for which it stands
One nation under God
[People It feels so good to be back..]

Scrutinize every word, memorize every line
I spit it once, refuel, reenergize, and rewind
I give sight to the blind, mind sight through the mind
I excercise my right to express when I feel it's time
It's just all in your mind, what you interpret it as
I say to fight... you take it as I’m gonna whip someone's ass
If you don't understand don't even bother to ask
A father who has grown up with a fatherless past
Who has blown up now to rap phenomenon that has
Or at least shows no difficulty multi tasking
And juggling both, perhaps mastered his craft slash
Entrepreneur who has helped launch a few more rap acts
Who has had a few obstacles thrown his way through the last half
Of his career... typical manure moving past that
Mister kiss his ass crack, he's a class act
Rubber band man, yea he just snaps back

Come along, follow me as I lead through the darkness
As I provide just enough spark, that we need to proceed
Carry on, give me hope, give me strength,
Come with me, and I won't steer you wrong
Put your faith and your trust as I guide us through the fog
Till the light, at the end, of the tunnel, we gonna fight,
We gonna charge, we gonna stomp, we gonna march through the swamp
We gonna mosh through the marsh, take us right through the doors

To the people up top, on the side and the middle,
Come together, let's all bomb and swamp just a little
Just let it gradually build, from the front to the back
All you can see is a sea of people, some white and some black
Don't matter what color, all that matters is we gathered together
To celebrate for the same cause, no matter the weather
If it rains let it rain, yea the wetter the better
They ain't gonna stop us, they can't, we're stronger now more then ever,
They tell us no we say yea, they tell us stop we say go,
Rebel with a rebel yell, raise hell we gonna let em know
Stomp, push up, mush, fuck Bush, until they bring our troops home...
come on just . . .

Come along, follow me as I lead through the darkness
As I provide just enough spark, that we need to proceed
Carry on, give me hope, give me strength,
Come with me, and I won't steer you wrong
Put your faith and your trust as I guide us through the fog
Till the light, at the end, of the tunnel, we gonna fight,
We gonna charge, we gonna stomp, we gonna march through the swamp
We gonna mosh through the marsh, take us right through the doors, come on

Imagine it pouring, it's raining down on us,
Mosh pits outside the oval office
Someone's trying to tell us something, maybe this is God just saying
we're responsible for this monster, this coward, that we have empowered
This is Bin Laden, look at his head nodding,
How could we allow something like this, Without pumping our fist

Now this is our, final hour
Let me be the voice, and your strength, and your choice
Let me simplify the rhyme, just to amplify the noise
Try to amplify the times it, and multiply it by six
Teen million people are equal of this high pitch
Maybe we can reach Al Quaida through my speech
Let the President answer on high anarchy
Strap him with AK-47, let him go
Fight his own war, let him impress daddy that way
No more blood for oil, we got our own battles to fight on our soil
No more psychological warfare to trick us to think that we ain't loyal

If we don't serve our own country we're patronizing a hero
Look in his eyes, it's all lies, the stars and stripes
They've been swiped, washed out and wiped,

And Replaced with his own face, mosh now or die
If I get sniped tonight you'll know why, because I told you to fight

So come along, follow me as I lead through the darkness
As I provide just enough spark, that we need to proceed
Carry on, give me hope, give me strength,
Come with me, and I won't steer you wrong
Put your faith and your trust as I guide us through the fog
Till the light, at the end, of the tunnel, we gonna fight,
We gonna charge, we gonna stomp, we gonna march through the swamp
We gonna mosh through the marsh, take us right through the doors

[Eminem speaking angrily]
And as we proceed, to mosh through this desert storm, in these closing statements,
if they should argue, let us beg to differ, as we set aside our differences,
and assemble our own army, to disarm this weapon of mass destruction
that we call our president, for the present,

and mosh for the future of our next generation,
to speak and be heard......
posted by Sondra @ 10:49 PM

Another Rant..or shall I say, WHINE?

I am up late, because due to my recent activities, I was very behind on all my work. I did a ton of work before school today, and then tonight I created a marvelous nine page masterpiece called a RESEARCH paper in about an hour and half's time. Nice, huh? Never mind that all my friends had theirs done WEEKS ago. Suck ups! (Just kidding... you all know I love you!)

I am here to say that I seriously hate stupid people. If you're stupid, I hate you. No wait, I FUCKING hate you. I can't stand people like this. I have one in my family and I love her, but she is so dumb that being around her is a constant exercise in patience. That would be my cousin Elizabeth.

Liz likes to play games. She is a big game player. In fact, her whole life is one big fucking game. She doesn't even have enough common sense to know when to act right. Every time I get mad at her, my grandmother reminds me that she does not possess the intelligence I do and could I imagine living life like that? Well, no...but Jesus, this girl doesn't even have any common sense!

And she lies. OH, does she lie. She lies about more things than George Bush. If lies were money, she'd be handing out food stamps to Bill Gates. Lies, lies, lies. And the funny thing is, she tries to play me. ME! Hahahahahahaha! I love calling her on her dumb shit and making her feel stupid sometimes. It's what I live for.

There is no help for her. She likes the way she is. She doesn't know that normal people do not act the way she does. Her mother is oblivious. Everyone babies her and pampers her and I am sick of it, and most of all, I am sick of being lied to about DUMB SHIT and being used for my money,w hich never used to happen before but is now a standard. Right now I'm sitting here but what I really want to do is beat the shit out of her. Since I can't do that, I'll smoke a cigarette instead.

I hope all stupid people fucking die and have to go to their own afterlife so that other people with common sense can fucking be away from them. Goodnight.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

And More Changes

I just re read my last post. Although everything I said was true, it took me reading it a few times to realize that my stand has once again changed.

I have felt so far removed from my family. I didn't realize how sad I was about this until last night. I miss my fuzzy bear, and my kid who is DEPENDING ON ME TO BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL, among other important things. I thought I could do what I was doing and still be a good role model, but that's impossible because it's hypocritical. I cannot lead two lives. I cannot possibly be a good mother and wife while doing this. I just can't.

I talked to Lynn this morning. I haven't seen her much because she's been so busy with work and such, but I told her what was going on. She said that there was a passage in the Bible that states that often times, when a person has overcome great obstacles and is close to achieving a long sought after goal, the Devil intercedes and throws something in the way to distract that person while giving the impression that it's the better choice. It's like a lightbulb flashed over my head. My eyes filled with tears and it was then that I knew why Lynn was my soul mate friend for life. She just knew. She always knows.

It hasn't been that long, but I have some making up to do to my husband and my daughter. It crushed my heart last night when he called me at 3 AM because he woke up and I wasn't home. He was worried. I realized I have been extremely selfish, and I am so sorry for that. Thank God it's not too late to change things because I kind of want my boring, safe, predictable life back. More than anything, I want my clear conscience back. I am not one to play games or be fake, and right now I feel that I have been doing that. I have been two people for too long. (Really, only about a week or so, but that is too long for me.) I have always been about "keeping it real." Seriously. It's time I went back to that.

That world was a little too crazy for me. I think I have outgrown it. Drama...fights...police...complete and total lack of sobriety...games...sneaking...hiding...lying. I don't need it.

So, Shawn, I know you read this and I want to tell you I'm sorry and I love you.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Changes

I have a rational side. This is the side of me that constantly directs and redirects me to make the most responsible choices. This is the side I depend on when faced with a potentially harmful, difficult, or stressful situation. My rational side and I have a good relationship.

Lately, my rational side is growing weaker and weaker. That little voice of reason that has always kept me on the right path seems to be diminishing bit by bit until I no longer hear it. I am consciously blocking out this voice because all the other paths I have chosen by listening to this voice have been blocked with obstacles I have yet to overcome. I am sick of the power struggle between my id and my superego. Id is winning, and that is dangerous.

I have overcome many, many obstacles in my life and have been extremely proud of my successes. I am intelligent, reasonably attractive, and very blessed. But right now I am focusing only on my impulses. I have chosen a road to travel that I really know nothing about. Sure, it's great fun traveling it but what happens at the end? I can jump off this train anytime I want to but I have not yet chosen to do so. My rational voice wants me to stop this silly, irrational, extremely self destructive behavior but I am not going to. Not yet. It's just way too damn much fun.

It has the propensity to get out of control. I know this. But being the person that I am, I am maintaining rigid control. I will not allow myself to succumb to the power of this. I am in control.

Am I fooling myself? Not yet. I promise you that I am not fooling myself yet. If there ever comes a time when I do end up trying to fool myself, I am sure my rational mind will let me know. The question is, will I listen?

I'm not going to stop. I'm having a fine time. I feel great. I am sleeping normally and even waking up better. I am not overeating. I am being social. Maybe too social, but I am a night person and my husband is a day person so there are days when I don't even see him except for when I crawl into bed with him. That's okay except for the times when I miss him and then I just come home. I have that option. And I am taking it. So I know I am not out of control.

I feel extreme guilt about the field I'm in. Tomorrow, I have to sit through a class and listen to the instructor talk about problems in society. Problems that we, as social workers, must be trained to deal with effectively. Right now, I am the problem.

I am not going to stop. When this train starts going too fast, I'll stop, if it even comes to that. In the meantime, I am staying on this road with the hopes that the end result will be what I have wanted for several years. I have no more options left. People don't understand that I have a serious problem that I cannot solve. They don't know how much it bothers me, how much I cry in private because of it. What I am doing now should solve it, but the detriment to myself could be very great. I am IN CONTROL and I am not going to stop.

That's it.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

I Have A Hater!

Hey everyone!

I came home tonight and checked my email and saw that I had lots of comments. I got all excited and checked them and there is some anonymous person posting stuff on my last entry. This person attacked me by accusing me of "whining". Is that not funny? And then to make matters even more hilarious, my friend Chris happened to be checking my blog and got into it with him. (Thanks Chris, you know I got your back too, lol) The funny thing is, no one has ever said anything like that on my blog before. The entry was a spoof about cats, rabbits, and birds on dope...there was no whining in the entry at all. I'm not defending myself against some anonymous imbecile, but I do want you to read the comments. I just want to know what kind of person BLASTS somebody on their blog but disguises their identity. They make for a good read, though, if you're bored. I probably shouldn't give this asshat any kind of attention at all, but it IS funny.

I should be writing letters right now. I have some letter writing to do. Ricky and Ashley, from what I hear, will be leaving for Florida this week. Leaving permanently. I think that's a good idea. Ashley should be with her mom right now anyway. I am going to write her a letter...since I can't call her or Ricky since they have no phone...and let her know how glad I am that I got to know her and how proud I am of the decisions she's made in her life. I am also going to let her know that I think she is a wonderful mother. Then I'm going to write up an invoice for Ricky, detailing all the shit he broke while he was here as well as all the money I loaned him and spent on him. I know I won't ever see the money, but I want to let him know it's been on my mind. I also need to write a letter to George, the twins' father, and send him some new pictures that I just got in the mail. Their phone is disconnected, too. (Doesn't anyone pay bills anymore? No wait...they can't afford to. They're too busy buying GAS.) I also have some school projects I need to be working on but keep forgetting about. (I'm a procrastinator anyway...I work better under pressure.) I have barely seen my husband at all, I have been so busy. Tomorrow I'm probably going to stay home after school and work on homework and relax. I've been busy every day and night for the last month. I need a breather. (Am I whining? hee hee) I don't want to fuck up my GPA if I can help it.

I'm off to bed.