NOVEMBER 16TH, 2006

Chillin

Current mood:morose

I don't know why, but I have been sitting here downloading some old 90's country music that I loved so much back then. I guess you could say that I am in a "mellon collie" mood. I am very reflective and, actually, at this moment, I am waiting for my boyfriend to (unknowingly) make a very important decision concerning our relationship. He may surprise me, but the decision I expect him to make would not improve my mood. I can always hope, I guess.

I don't know why I feel so down, besides my usual life's events. All I want to do is lie down and sleep until I feel normal again. I want so much yet have so little and I can't seem to pull myself out of this rut I have dug myself into. Relationships are supposed to be based on work, and that's okay, but this relationship is really, really hard. Everyone thinks it would be so wonderful to be with someone who has never been in a serious relationship before because they erroneously think that "molding" someone into your perfect mate would be "fun." NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOO!!! It is a nightmare of horrific proportions. First of all, you cannot "shape" or "mold" anyone...you have to work with what you've got, which in my case wasn't shit. Also, you MUST have a flair for teaching, because this is what I spend more than half my time doing. Last, you have to have lots and lots and lots and lots of patience, something I don't have much of at all.

I'm telling ya, I love my boyfriend so much and I truly believe we are supposed to be together, but sometimes I just want to walk away. He has so many faults, as do I, but he needs a lot of growing up time as well as time to learn how to be in an adult, mature relationship. He knows that I am very, very close to the edge with him right now. Twice this week I have told him quite firmly that this relationship was in grave danger and when I threatened to walk, as I so often do, something in me made him believe me that I was serious. I no longer have as much time and energy to devote to the development of this relationship....the time has come to grow the fuck up (again) and I don't need him in my way. He can either grow along with me, or he can sit and whine and do nothing. I don't have any more time left to coddle him, either. He has gotten quite a rude awakening from me in the last week or so, beginning with an incident that occured last week while he was drunk and decided to use me as his fucking verbal punching bag for what seemed like hours while I restrained myself from punching him square in the Adam's apple. Ever since then, my emotional distance is at an all time high. It's hard to feel close to somebody when they consistently and hurtfully push you away time after time. It has gotten me to the point where I am afraid to even open my mouth sometimes, for fear that it will spark an argument that will last for two hours and consist mostly of side arguments that have nothing to do with the real issue and it will end with him storming off and me sobbing in rage, anger, and frustration. Sometimes, I can't control myself and I'll either punch him in the side of the head (done it quite often, mostly while drunk but a couple of times since I've been sober) or smack him open handed right in the jaw. (This is most satisfying, let me tell ya). This kind of stuff doesn't happen hardly at all anymore, but that doesn't count all the times I've wanted to beat the shit out of him but haven't. I hate feeling that way, but there IS a thin line between love and hate. He's been forcing me to cross it.

I just know he's going to disappoint me tonight. He has no idea that I am testing him, but he should at least know me well enough by now to understand that doing what I've asked him to do would be very healing to the damage he has brought onto this relationship. Does that count? If I know someone is going to disappoint me, is it truly a disappointment because I expected it? Or is it only a disappointment because it hurts and it sucks? If anyone has an opinion on this, I would really like to know. This happens to me a lot. Disappointment is like second nature to me. I can't believe how utterly defeated I feel. Me...who had enough spirit for ten of me. Defeat has never been a part of my vocabulary. Until now. I find myself once again walking with my head down. A lot of my confidence that I worked so hard to rebuild within myself after a lifetime of low self esteem---gone. I look in the mirror and hate what I see, inside of me and outside of me. When asked to describe one positive thing about myself, I have a hard time conjuring up anything. I haven't felt this bad since my Jessie days, but this is a bit different and maybe a little more painful, because I know that my boyfriend loves me, without a shadow of a doubt, and all Jessie loved was his girly panty thong thingies that he wore, that cross dressing fuck. It's worse because knowing that someone loves you but doesn't know HOW to love you is so much more painful than yearning for a love that could never be. It's kind of like having a million dollars in the bank but not being able to spend it. Yeah.

I know that I'm rambling....I don't give a fuck, I feel like writing. I might as well do something to pass the time, because I have approximately an hour and a half before my boyfriend makes his decision. He still has time to surprise me but it is running out fast.

**Note** The time has passed that I have allotted him to "pass" my test. Not surprisingly, he failed. I just feel kind of sick to my stomach and worn out. I'm going to go to beD....ALONE.