FEBRUARY 11, 2007

Terror

Current mood:crushed

I woke up about an hour ago. I seem to have no trouble falling asleep but when I wake up, I have anxiety attacks almost every morning. I do not know why. Usually, when I wake up like trhis, Bryan senses it before I am fully awake and he knows Im going to be thrashing around and rubbing my arms and gritting my teeth and shaking, so usually he will just rub my back quietly and talk to me and hold me if I need him to.
Well, I woke up this morning and I felt like someone punched me in the chest. I thrashed around and felt myself shaking and out of habit, I scooted closer to his side of the bed. When I felt nothing but empty blanket, it suddenly and painfully dawned on me that he isnt here and I DONT KNOW WHY. This increased my level of anxiety and I sat up, hugged my knees, and cried. I cried and cried and cried. I cried loud and hard and without tissue. (Alexa is at her grandpas so I am all alone and can do that). I feel like I am in the middle of a nightmare from which I am never going to wake up. My life is a nightmare.
Last night, when Bryan came to get his stuff, I locked myself in the bathroom and did the same thing, except I wasnt loud. I had my hand jammed in my mouth to keep from screaming while I heard him rummaging around in the closet for his things. I prayed and begged God to listen to me for once in my sorry life, that I dont want to lose him, please dont take him away from me. Hes all I have and hes all I know, and hes been with me and a part of me for so long. Hes had my back when no one else would and he ALWAYS takes care of me when I need need him to, just like I ve taken care of him. Ive dealt with so much loss in my life that I KNOW I cant bear this one. And I still dont even know why this is happening. Everything that we said we were going to do the last time we broke up, weve both been doing. We hit a few bumps in the road, which is to be expected with a couple like us, but they werent big bumps. And we overcame them on our own and we communicated very well about everything and we even talked about how much weve learned from one another since that experience. And now, over an argument whether or not he should go out drinking, hes gone. Over nothing. He says he has to do it for himself.
Last night, I wouldnt let him in the bathroom right away to get his stuff out of there because I didnt want him to see me crying. He got pissed off and just left me there, and after I heard the front door close, I collapsed. After I cried forever, I came out of the bathroom and on the bed was a note he had written. It said, "I just need some time. I still love you. Bryan." I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
I dont have time. My state of mental health is in serious crisis. I can honestly say that I dont give a fuck anymore. I am tired, tired, tired of the struggle. I must be an awful person and I just dont realize it or something. Everyone always leaves me. I cannot cope with anymore loss. I cannot cope with this.