FEBRUARY 15, 2007

Disconnect

Current mood:lonely

I feel disconnected. Ive felt that way for a while now. I am sick of this routine I am in:: go to sleep sometime before 1 AM, and up usually by 7. Once I wake up in the night, I dont go back to sleep. Alexa tries not to wake me up in the mornings, but I dont mind when she does. I havent been wanting her to go to school because I am so terrified of being alone, but every morning is the same. She leaves and I sit here and wander around the house crying. I pick up the phone to call him, put  it down. Cry some more, pick up the phone, put it down. Usually around ten or so I stop crying and just sit here like a zombie. Ill make phone calls, just to talk so I dont feel lonely.

When I wake up, its like being hit by a freight train. Everything comes rushing back and I sit here and wonder why. I cant eat either. Last night I went to church with some friends and for about an hour and half, I felt peace. As soon as I got home, though,that changed. This house is suddenly so empty and lonely, I cant stand it. I avoid his side of the bed completely, and I think I might put a TV in the living room so I can sleep out there. I havent watched TV in days but it is always on, just for the sound. The loneliness is unbearable. I am going to call someone today and find out if I can either get back into the treatment program I was in or something else, because I cant sit here all day with this on my mind. Its not so much that I want to die. I just want the pain to stop. And most of all, I really dont understand why we are where we are. I cant take it. I wish I had someone to come stay with me, because I DO NOT WANT BE ALONE.