FEBRUARY 10, 2007

Moods

Current mood:sleepy

As I sit here smoking my pipe and drinking my beer, I had a sudden, random thought. A song popped into my head just now that describes exactly how I feel today. It describes how I've been feeling for the last couple of months.
Never Hunger
Never Prosper
I Have Fallen Prey to Failure
Struggle Within
Triggered Again
Now the Candle Burns at Both Ends
Twisting under Schizophrenia
Falling Deep into Dementia

Old Habits Reappear
Fighting the Fear of Fear
Growing Conspiracy
Everyone's after Me
Frayed Ends of Sanity
Hear Them Calling
Hear Them Calling Me

Birth of Terror
Death of Much More
I'm the Slave of Fear,my Captor
Never Warnings
Spreading its Wings
As I Wait for the Horror She Brings
Loss of Interest,question,wonder
Waves of Fear They Pull Me under

Old Habits Reappear
Fighting the Fear of Fear
Growing Conspiracy
Everyone's after Me
Frayed Ends of Sanity
Hear Them Calling
Hear Them Calling Me

Into Ruin
I Am Sinking
Hostage of this Nameless Feeling
Hell Is Set Free
Flooded I'll Be
Feel the Undertow Inside Me
Height,hell,time,haste,terror,tension
Life,death,want,waste,mass Depression

Old Habbits Reappear
Fighting the Fear of Fear
Growing Conspiracy
Myself Is after Me
Frayed Ends of Sanity
Hear Them Calling
Frayed Ends of Sanity
Hear Them Calling
Hear Them Calling Me


Isnt that such a LOVELY ballad? It pretty much describes the way I feel about my life. I couldn't be more down than I am right now. Mr. Bowailey left me again today after a fight we had last night, in which he insisted on going out and partying after doing that last weekend and coming home Saturday night and fighting with me. When he threw a fit about going out last night, I couldnt believe it, and it turned into an argument.  As it turns out, I kicked him out of my car and his friend came and got him. I went to sleep last night thinking all would be okay this morning, but no. He actually decided hes going to leave me again. He says he has to do this "for him." For him? If people only knew the half of what this relationship has really been like...the half you know about is the wonderful, loving, sometimes stressful but always together half. We have another half that is vicious and mean and cold. This is the half that I dont write about, but its the same half that always brings us to the point where we are now. And I'm stoned and in the mood for honesty, so Im going to just tell it like it is.
Bryan and I love each other very much, of that there is no doubt. And he has grown and matured and changed in so many ways since Ive known him. Our good side is powerful, loving, loyal, and strong. But the mean side of us leads to things like physical, verbal, and mental abuse. Both of us have been victims of all these types of abuse from each other. I will admit that I normally slap him first, and that I say very, very mean things when Im angry. Its a response that I have to learn to control, and I am doing very well at it. But, in the last four weeks, I have been: slapped more than once, been spit on, been called a fat bitch, been told, "No wonder nobody loves you!", had garbage dumped on me, and punched in the face twice. In the last few months I acquired a pretty nasty tailbone injury from a fall I took when Bryan pushed me in the kitchen one day when we were arguing and I threw my phone at him. (I missed.) I came crashing down to the floor right on top of my tailbone. This pain is almost unbearable. I have daily headaches caused by the damage he did to the bridge of my nose when he punched me. Yesterday, he hit me in the eye pretty hard but not nearly hard enough. There is a small bruise from the corner of my eye to my eyelid, but if you didnt know it was there you wouldnt even see it. I have had large bruises on my legs from being kicked in retalitation. Ive had my hair pulled, Ive been choked almost to the point of passing out, and Ive even had my face slammed on the counter while my hands were being held behind my back.
Bryan has been told he is worthless, that he is a low life piece of shit, that hes a loser, that hes some other horrible names I wont repeat. Ive said really terrible and totally untrue things about his family, to his face. I have even abused him using things from his past. Hes been slapped, punched, kicked, and spit on, too. And these are the things that are defeating what would be, should be, a normal and healthy functioning relationship.We have so many strengths, and so much passion, Jesus, all that fucking passion and you know where it goes? To the form of aggression. Not romance, intimacy, SEX. Oh no, not us crazy Bowaileys. We use all that wonderful and rare long lasting passion to DESTROY each other instead of love each other. What we have between us could last a lifetime, if we could learn how to fucking talk to one another.
It looks like its too late for that. All his stuff is gone again. I cant bear to look into the closets and not see his things. All the doors are closed, lights off. I wake up with such bad anxiety even when hes right next to me that tonight I decided I would smoke and drink myself to sleep. Dont worry, its only a 40 ounce of beer that I probably wont even finish, so dont go calling AA on me. I just cannot feel the pain right now. Im all worn out from feeling pain, and this is the only thing that makes the pain go away. I have thought about cocaine and how lovely it would be to feel so euphoric right now, but its not tempting enough.
How could he leave me like this, at a time when I need him the most? Am I that hateful?
I am white trash.
I am a piece of shit, a fat one at that.
I am worthless.
I have done nothing with my life except fuck it up.
I deserve this.