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Saturday, December 30, 2006

Endings and New Beginnings

Last night, after Bryan and I came home from what was intended to be a nice day out, spent shopping and eating lunch with Alexa, but what turned into an argument in the restaurant that ended with me dropping Bryan off at his mother's and picking him up about an hour later, instead, Kristi and Mike came to our room and told us that they had found a house and that they were moving out, and that they would be out by Monday.

At first, I felt a sense of relief, because, honestly, my anxiety has gotten a hold of me so badly lately that I've only left the house three times in two weeks, but then I started feeling a little sad. The four of us have been through so very many transitions, it would be impossible to list them all here. We have watched each other change, grow, and mature in many ways. We have been a very tight knit family, inseperable since the end of June and living together since the first of August. I mulled over this last night and when I woke up this morning, my stomach was tied in knots and my anxiety level was the highest it had been in days. I really felt like I was going to fall apart. When I met up with Kristi, accidentally, in the living room, I couldn't hold back a few tears as I told her that I didn't think that Bryan and I were going to take their absence very well. Bryan and I will be automatically raised to another level, us living alone with Alexa and all...wow...it scares the shit out of me. So much so that I just get a little overwhelmed at the thought of a strong support system to lean on just disappearing. Some days I don't feel strong enough to take all this on alone.

So, I will be staying home for New Year's. I always do. I hate New Year's. As a Bull, I am very resistant to change. I like certain things to stay the same. If any changes take place at all, I want them to be under my control. Every New Year's Eve I sit and ponder the year in passing, and then I contemplate the possibilities for the following year. Last year was very emotional; my nephew Ricky and I got into an argument and then we both felt the presence of our dead friend Heather very strongly. I went to bed exhausted and drained. The year before that, I was taking care of Tim Tees while Anne worked and Ricky and Shawn partied. I was pissed because I asked Shawn not to drink, and he did anyways. I remember changing a diaper at 12:00 AM. The year before that I think we spent with his parents. The year before that, when I was single, I spent it with some friends and I cried at midnight for all the changes coming for the following year. If only I had known! So this year I expect it to be just as emotional, if not more emotional, than New Year's Eves of the past. I'm trying to be positive, but it is always the most emotional day of the year for me.

I am still working on re-posting my links and some more design detail on the layout of this page. This keeps me pretty busy, since I am also trying to find full time work. So, people, until next time I write....

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Some Advice From Me

I am so sorry that I haven't been writing much lately. I have been extremely sick, and as a result, every member of this house is now falling ill with the same thing I had. Christmas Eve and Christmas? Forget it. I laid in bed, wishing for death every second. My body hurt, I couldn't breathe from all the congestion in my chest, and I couldn't stop coughing. I ran a low grade fever and mumbled in my sleep. I missed Christmas Eve at my Aunt and Uncle's house, and Alexa didn't get to open her presents on Christmas until well after noon. Then, the very day I start feeling better, Bryan starts feeling like shit. I mean, his eyes were all glazed over and he was definitely running a temperature. I let him sleep all day, waking him up only periodically to give him some more medicine. Today, he is almost back to his old self. And so am I.

Which brings me to the reason for this post. Bryan and Dave are always out playing poker. They talk about poker a lot and at first, I tuned them out. But then, I started listening, just so I could follow their conversations. And it actually caught my interest. One night, before we took our second trip to Florida, I was hanging out with Bryan at his house and he was watching a tournament. I started asking questions, and the more I understood about the game, the more it piqued my interest. So, the other night, we had a little get together at my house and Dave asked me if I wanted to play poker with everyone. I thought, what the hell, I'll give it a shot. I mean, I had enough of a basic understanding to get through it, and if I didn't like it, I could always just quit.

Well, I'm hooked now. Ladies: if your man is into poker, totally get into it with him. It's so much fun. It's something you can do together, and guys are intimidated by girls who play poker, I've heard. I've been playing online, just to practice, and a couple of hours can go by pretty quickly. Alexa learned how to play before I did, and now she helps me when I have questions. I like playing against her on the table though, because she's easy for me to read. I have a long way to go before I can read strangers, but once I feel a little more confident, I'm going to the casino with Dave and Bryan and playing poker with them instead of burning up all my money on the slots. I'll make sure I wear my ball cap and sunglasses, though. I am too easy to read. The other night, Dave was able to predict what I had in my hand by the look on my face. That's nuts! What a fun, crazy game. Try it. I suggest vegaspoker247.com. This site is a lot of fun, with lots of ways to play.

All right, I'm off to take care of some business. Until next time...................

Sunday, December 24, 2006

My New Look

Hey, everyone! You like my new look for 2007? It's brighter, cheerier, and has a whole new theme. Since this blog keeps changing with me, I felt it was time for an upgrade. Let me know how you like it (or if you don't) and I'm going to keep on making changes here and there. For starters, does anyone know what other service besides www.vidilife.com I can use to add streaming music to my page? Music is a very important part of the character of my journal, because I change it according to my moods and with what's current in my life. The codes I have been using for vidilife no longer work; however, according to the help section of their website, nothing has changed. Vidilife hasn't worked for me since September. So does anyone have any suggestions?

In the meantime, I am going to keep fine tuning this site as best as I can. As you can see, I removed the ads. They really served no purpose, honestly. I'm not here to make money. I'm here to pour my heart out in the form of my chosen art: writing. I've been having a hard time coming up with a theme for this new blog. "The Bowailey's" seemed a perfect way to honor the merging of this dysfunctional group of people we call a FAMILY. We're struggling, but we're doing it. It's not easy to merge two lives, especially under our circumstances, but we've been through all of our bullshit and now we're about ready to settle down. I promise to be honest in my writing, but there will be things, of course, that I don't share. Please keep in mind that I never shy away from criticism, even if it is constructive. I may not respond to every comment posted, but I read each and every one of them. When I ask for advice, I appreciate everyone who takes their time to respond and everything they say is considered.

I plan on beginning this blog on a happy, positive note. Until I write again, I wish everyone a Happy Holiday. God Bless, and Happy New Year!

Friday, December 22, 2006

I Am Sick

I am so sick right now. I mean, I've felt much much worse, of course, but right now I feel pretty run down. I've been running low grade fevers off and on for a couple of days. I've drank lots of water and tea. I've been popping TheraFlu pills every six hours but I haven't left my house in three days in an attempt to get rid of whatever I have. My chest is a little congested and I have a nasty cough. Yesterday my nose decided to clog up, so now I can't breathe really well. Right now, as I speak, Bryan is at Rite Aid grabbing me some Zicam medicine.

Tonight is a big night for me. I have waited for tonight for the longest time. BOB SEGER is here and I HAVE TICKETS. The show starts at eight. I am not missing this for ANYTHING. I had to jump through many hurdles to get those tickets. I don't care if I have to limp into the Palace, I am seeing Bob Seger. I have waited for this for the longest time. I think I already said that.

Yesterday I woke up, feeling shitty, and I rolled over on my back and pointed at the sky and said, "You're trying to send me some kind of message right now, aren't you? Well, this is FUCKED UP. I am GOING!" In reality, I should be in bed. But I am going to go see one of rock and roll's greatest rock the fucking house in his hometown, promoting his new album, Face The Promise, which is very political and introspective. I guess that's what happens when you stay off the road for about eleven years! His voice is mellower, smoother...he's in his sixties now. But I bet he will rock my socks off.

I'm going to start getting ready. Wish me luck...hope I don't fall over dead.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Good Times

Last Friday, I went out with Bryan, Dave, and someone that I have known for so many years the only way I can describe her is to say she's family to me. We had such a good time. We danced and laughed and actually had a good time, like adults do. Bryan and I have gotten a lot closer since my last post, but I'm not really detailing it in here right now for reasons I will keep to myself. However, I will say that everything is going well, and that includes my relationship with Alexa. For now, though, I just want to post these pictures. What you see here are true, genuine friends having a really good time.



Bryan and Dave. I caught Dave dancing and Bryan, at this point, was pretty schnockered. You can tell. In this pic he reminds me of a mean chihuahua, for some reason.
Me and Bryan being silly.
Dave, Bryan and Nikky
Me and Nikky.







Me and Bryan

Monday, December 11, 2006

Random Silliness

We had some silly moments the last couple of days. The pictures of me and Alexa were taken today. She's having a heart attack right now because she wants to be online and I'm hogging the computer. LOL. Anyways, here you go...



Alexa and that pain in the ass dog of hers, Riley.



Bryan wearing my glasses. Funny how his head is perfectly shaped like an egg in this picture.




Me and Alexa goofing off in front of the cam. Looks like I need to think about getting a new one of these.

My favorite picture of me and Alexa. We took this today. I think we both look genuinely happy in this picture...and I think we were.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Holiday Cheer

Yesterday, I received a frantic phone call from an old friend, asking me to come pick her and her children up and drive them to the Safe House. (Which is a battered woman's shelter.) I knew this call had been coming for a while, I just didn't know when she would have the guts to do it. Her husband, who has issues to deal with that he hasn't yet, has began smoking crack and taking the family down with it. He sold the family vehicle (which wasn't paid off yet), lost his job, and sold their food stamps and spent their state assistance cash on drugs. Last night, he came home drunk and angry after being up (and away from home) for over 24 hours, drinking and drugging. Angry because my friend had a measly five dollars left that she managed to hold on to, he wrestled her to the ground (in front of their children, both under the age of four) and physically assaulted her...for five dollars. I guess this was the last straw and that's when she decided to call me. All she said was, "Come get me. Now." I knew what that meant. I explained to Mike and Kristi, very quickly, what was going on and, in order to have some extra protection, I asked Mike and Kristi to pray for us. I was scared of what I was going to walk into, and I knew I was going to need the strength to face it. So Mike, Kristi, Bryan, Alexa, and I all joined hands in the living room and said a quick but powerful prayer asking for protection and strength. I have to admit that it did make me feel better.

When I got there, her husband had come back from wherever he was and was combative about her leaving. He slammed the door and locked us out of the house so that she couldn't take their children. (I walked right up the front door and faced him, knowing that he had threatened to "kill" me if I walked out with his wife and kids.) I brought her out to my car and calmly called the police. While I was explaining to 911 that he refused to give over the kids even though it was obvious he'd been drinking, he shoved the two kids out the door and slammed it shut. My friend rushed up and grabbed them and hustled them to the car. We sat and waited for about fifteen minutes for the police, and while I was calling them back, her husband left the house, making it a point to lock it up and take the keys with him, knowing she did not have HER set of keys. She told me to explain to them that he had a VOP warrant (Violation of Probation) and I did. A few minutes later, the police showed up, asked her some questions, and drove off. They came back a short while later and told her that they had found her husband and took him into custody. I watched the relief cross her face, and I hoped that I never knew how that felt....feeling relieved that the person you love most in the world is in cuffs and is being locked in a cage. How awful. Anyway, the police advised her to stay the night at home, since he wasn't going anywhere for the time being, and make her escape with some planning. As it turns out, that was very good advice, because that's exactly what she did. When I arrived at her house today, she was packed and ready to go. I took one box of her sentimental items, and her brother took two. She packed what she needed and said "fuck the rest." She wrote him a letter, telling him that she loved him but that she wanted her husband back. She asked him to get help and seek therapy. She assured him she would reconsider the marriage if he would consider change. She left it on the kitchen table so he would see it.

I dropped her and the kids off and felt emotional as I watched them walk into the building. How sad it must be to spend your Christmas in a shelter. But then I considered all the things that are going to happen to her now....counseling, job placement assistance and training, a clean, safe place to live, child care, relocation assistance, emergency state relief, and a state aid vehicle purchasing program....I thought, well, hell, that won't be too bad at all. Not at all. I felt a little bit better when I drove away.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Pictures to Share

Since it's been a while since I've exploited Bryan for my own pleasure, I decided to post some pics of him and also some pics he took while we were in Florida. We got goofy earlier and I made him "pose." You can see Alexa in the background, working on some homework. (She did not want her picture taken.) While this was going on, she was talking to her friend on the phone and she said, "Oh my God, my mom is taking pictures of Bryan and saying how cute he is," with teasing disdain. But I would like to add that she hung out with me all day. AND she had a good day at school. So, anyway, here we go. (More pictures to come later.)

This was taken at Ricky's house in Florida. I like this picture.
Bryan grinning...what a little kid grin.
I snapped this one without him knowing I was going to do it. I wanted to capture the expression on his face, which I think I did quite well. He looks pretty thoughtful here.
His perfect ass, which prompted me to pull out the camera in the first place.
The ALIEN HOUSE on Pensacola Beach in Florida. There are little alien eyes peeking out of the windows! Agggh! In this pic, it looks like it's sitting on top of a trailer but it's not. That's a construction trailer you see. And there is actually a now defunct company that produced this particular house design. I think it was sometime in the 60's.
This is a great photo of a "hurricane proof" house that sits on Pensacola Beach. Bryan took this picture because he recognized it from a picture and article he'd seen on the internet about this house. I think he did a great job of taking this picture. The light couldn't be more perfect.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Trials and Tribulations

I am absolutely beside myself right now. I decided to write about this in a public forum because I figured I could use the help and the advice.

This kid of mine has been so rotten lately. I mean, downright defiant. She simply does not give a fuck. I mean, there are some things that she has never really given a fuck about, such as her behavior and performance in school. But now she doesn't give a fuck about anyone or anything, and she doesn't care who she pisses off. This is what's beeng going on.

This kid has had the same chores for four years or more. They never change and are always the same. Every once in a while, I'll ask her to do a little something else and she will drag it on and procrastinate until I just do it myself, which is her goal in the first place. Her chores are to scoop out the kitty litter boxes (we have two) every day or at least every other day, take out the kitchen trash when it's full, take the two trash cans out to the road, and keep her bathroom clean. That's it. Oh, and take care of her dog, which she does just barely. While I was in Florida, she got into a huge fight with my dad because he accused her of not taking care of Riley properly. While he was overreacting a little bit, there was some truth to his accusations.

The day before yesterday, Alexa brought home a detention slip for me to sign. She was given detention due to being disrespectful (blantantly) to a teacher. We talked about it and I signed the slip, which she "forgot" to take to school. The disciplinary officer, Opal, called me to confirm that I knew Alexa had detention and we spoke on the phone for about ten minutes while she explained to me that the group of girls that Alexa is hanging out with is constantly in trouble and that she doesn't know what happened to my once somewhat well behaved child. I explained to Opal that although there is no excuse for rude and insubordinate behavior, that there had been a lot of changes in our home in the last few months and that Alexa is probably having some trouble adjusting. After we hung up, I decided it was probably time to call the insurance company and see what kind of therapy is covered under her current plan. (Her father now provides her insurance. YAY! No more Medicaid.) It's time to nip this thing in the bud.

A few hours later, I get a phone call from Opal, who proceeds to tell me that I need to come up to the school for a conference with her and Alexa, because evidently Alexa became rude and disresepectful in detention and was kicked out. I flew up to the school where I had an hour and a half long conference with Opal and Alexa. I won't get into any details just because it would take too long, but what we did was basically confront her about what might be bothering her. She said she was tired of the school and the snobs there, etc, but what I really think is that our home life is affecting her this way. I explained to Opal that I am in the process of divorcing, and that I have a new relationship that is not always stable and that Alexa had been exposed to it too much. (Honestly, this is where I think her disrespectful mouth comes from.) She, too, thought it might be a good idea to get us into some kind of family therapy. I explained that I haven't been around a lot and that my focus hasn't been on her and I. I wanted everyone to know that I do understand where this stuff is coming from. It doesn't make it any less stressful, though.

Last night, I went and took the last few dollars I had and instead of buying fast food or wasting it on something stupid, I went to the grocery store (with Alexa) and bought stuff to make a huge spaghetti dinner. We came home, cleaned a little bit together, and cooked together. We all sat down at the table and ate together like a family, like we used to, and she happily chattered on and on about school. Alexa is a really neat kid and I love her personality, I just can't stand her disrespectful mouth. I made sure I told her this, just not in so many words. She cleared the table without me asking her to, which was nice. I think that was therapy in itself, me being home and spending time with her. Usually she is busy with friends or when I ask her if she wants to go places with me she says no. So I don't want people to think I'm leaving her at home all the time and abandoning her; she doesn't want to go half the time. Yesterday we hung out all day and it was nice.

This morning is trash day. I was awake a little after eight when Alexa brought Riley into my room. I told her to have a good day and then I got up and picked up the kitchen a bit. I noticed that the kitchen trash was full, and I got a sneaking suspicion that the trash had not been taken out to the road. I looked out the front door and sure enough, there it was...by the porch. I sighed and did it myself, but now I'm pissed. It makes no sense. When I was in Florida, she did not do ONE of her chores, not ONE. So imagine the smell when I walked in the door...two full kitty litter boxes that had not been cleaned or changed for a week and a half or more. Kristi and Mike's room really reeked like kitty litter since once of the boxes is right by their door. Supremely pissed off, I picked up the kitty litter box that was right next to their room and put it in HER small room and closed the door. (She was sleeping at Grandpa's that night.) It stayed in there until almost 4PM the next day when she got home from school, and I know it didn't smell pleasant. I explained to her that that's how Kristi and Mike had to live, so, since she was too lazy to clean them out, that she could sit there and smell it instead. She didn't like that too much....but she cleaned them out. After much arguing and stalling. Then, last night, when I explained to Kristi what I did, she told me that while I was gone she asked Alexa to clean out the kitty litter boxes so that the house would be clean when I got home and Alexa's response was, "No. It's not my job." Kristi said, "Well, then, are you not going to do it, then?" Alexa said, "No, I'm not." Kristi said, "Well, I'll make sure I tell your mother you said that, then." Can you believe this shit? Not her JOB? WHAT?

So I don't know what to do. Grounding her doesn't work, because she is really sneaky and I don't have the energy to watch her every fucking move. Beating her doesn't work, just because I don't like to hit. (Although lately I've thought about giving her a good slap right in the fucking mouth, but the problem is that she knows it's coming and can outrun me). I don't know what to do. I want to take responsibility for my part of it, but she needs to take responsibility also. I don't know how to make her do that. She doesn't do anything I ask her to do anymore and everything I say turns into a fucking five hour screaming match....very similar to my relationship with Bryan. Anyone else see a pattern here?

I am so frustrated. Short of boot camp or shipping her off to live with her father I have run out of ideas. Boot camp would be great, I think, along with some therapy. Anyone have any ideas? I have already made it a resolution to be home more, and to include her in things whether she likes it or not. I came to this conclusion while I was in Florida. I want to see if anything improves as our home life slowly stabilizes, but I don't want to wait too long. So if there are any suggestions out there I would like to hear them.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Update

I know that I haven't written in a while. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and some traveling as well. The conclusion that it has led me to is really simple.

I used to live my life the way I felt God would want me to. I mean, I'm no Bible thumping conservative or anything like that, and anyone who knows me knows that, but I did my best by people and expected the same treatment in return. (Of course, I didn't always get it.) I felt a sense of inner peace in everything I did. I really do believe that you reap what you sow. Which brings me to where I am today. Nothing I am doing right now is right. Granted, I am not on drugs anymore, but I am not doing anything with myself. I am like, scared, to venture back out into normalcy. Because I'm afraid I won't fit in. But I so badly want to. I want to work, cook dinner, do normal things. Right now I exist within a very small comfort zone. Whenever I travel outside of it, I tend to do everything in my power to get back to it. Instead of grasping the opportunity to take a challenge, I retreat, every time. I used to enjoy challenging myself; now it's a challenge to simply get to the front door.

Which brings me to the picture above. This is my nephew Ricky, his girlfriend Serra, and their baby Isabella. They came to visit for Thanksgiving and we ended up returning to Florida with them so we could continue our visit. While we were with them, and I was holding Bella and playing with her and making her laugh, it suddenly occured to me that these are the things that are most important. Family, togetherness, bonding, and a strong sense of self. I suddenly realized that my most important values that I have lived by for so long had disappeared....like honesty, trust, initiative, drive, success, and sense of accomplishment. I saw the road that I had taken that brought me here, and the good news is that I know exactly what I need to do to bring myself back to where I used to be, when I was happy and had a sense of inner peace. See, I used to be this person that I am today...unmotivated, scared of change, and weak. I gained the strength that I needed to build myself up to where I was by directly facing the things I had avoided for so long, moving out of my comfort zone, and proving to myself that YES, I COULD do it. So I know what I need to do. For me, and for my daughter. Life should be better than this, and it will be.

Alexa turned 13 on the 22nd. Her party was a few friends over for the night, some pizza and a couple of movies. If you've ever thought about hosting a party for a bunch of 13 year old girls, please reconsider. It was so stressful! Bryan and I ended up playing mediator all night, as the girls got catty and emotional and started bickering. They fought almost ALL NIGHT, until about 11 PM when they all decided to forgive each other and start giggling and talking again. They even had the audacity to act surprised when Bryan and I fell into bed, exhausted, before they did. We were just all tuckered out from the bickering.

On this trip to Florida we just took, we fought the entire time. From the time we got there until we were in Kentucky on our way back, we fought. It was all day long. I called Alexa at least twice every day just to feel somewhat connected, because I felt like shit the entire time. His best friend Dave was with us and had to hear it all week long too. Strangely, when we got back to Flint, we were calm and rational. Still haven't argued yet.

Lastly, I want to say that one of the things I have been doing lately in preparing myself for changing my life is getting up early. I am so tired right now and it's only 12:18 AM. I've been getting up like a normal person, around 8 or 9. So, I am off to bed now.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Text Messages

Okay, who is the smart ass that keeps texting me, asking me to call 867-5309?

Very funny.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Are You Fucking Serious?

I am in a "fuck it" mood today. Boy, I am not pleased with shit at all. I feel like the world needs a great big kick to the balls. I am sick of EVERY fucking BODY. How did a superior being like God create such inane beings? Humans MUST be a lesser form of life. We are just so fucking dumb.

Here's an example. Every woman goes through their monthly thing. We all know how painful and irritating inconvenience it can be. There's really nothing to look forward to about it. Me, personally, I suffer from a becoming-more-common-now-that-we-can-sell-more-drugs disorder called PMDD. PMDD is the same as PMS, except multiply the effects of it by about a hundred thousand. This is the joy of PMDD: Crazy, intense mood swings complete with hysterical tears over nothing and blind, knife-wielding rage over toilet seat being left up. Uterus-ripping cramps that begin a full ten days before period begins and do not end until the last drop of blood has been expelled. Body chills, extreme rage, intense pain.....the list goes on and on. So when I feel this time of the month approaching (it usually begins with mood swings, then cramps and mood swings, and always a full ten days or so before my period actually begins) I know it's time to buckle my seat belt....we're going for a painful ride. Nothing to look forward to, actually.

So, anyway, this month I decide to buy a new brand of feminine hygiene product. It comes in a bright package with cheery colors and of course, the ever present flowers. As I took off the plastic wrapping and unfolded it, I saw a piece of paper stuck to the other side of the adhesive. In a bright and cheery green, complete with a picture of a daisy, it read, "Have a happy period!"

Have a happy period? What? Are you kidding? Are you NUTS? I realize that it's not the end of the world, ladies, but wouldn't it be going a little too far for them to suggest to us that we ENJOY the hell that is wreaked upon our bodies every month? I chuckled to myself as I imagined the freckle faced dweeby corporate executive who created THAT ad. May God have mercy on his soul.

I want to talk about something else, too. There are certain people on my mind right now that are not in my life, and although I miss them, I don't miss the bullshit. Just a note to them, and you know who you are: Get rid of him. He's a loser, a liar, a user and a manipulator. I know you have self esteem issues but you deserve better. The only reason I haven't smacked him in the mouth yet is because of my suffering relationship with you, but you are the only person who can come to your senses. I miss you and will welcome you back into my life but only if he is no longer in it. Period. Meanwhile, I want you know that I am very happy. I bet that pisses you off. But, surprise! He loves me. Betcha didn't see that comin, huh?

I'm off. I feel like thinking.



Saturday, November 11, 2006

Airhorn Fun

Check this out. The idea behind this prank was for Bryan to airhorn Megan, his brother's girlfriend. Even though I KNEW he was going to get her with the airhorn, my reaction was a lot stronger than hers. Check this out. It's funny. (Watch me carefully.) Enjoy!!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Okay, So Here We Go

Thanks, everyone, for responding to my post asking for advice on whether or not I should leave Michigan. I appreciated ALL the feedback from everyone. Let me just take the time to answer a few questions.

The only reason, and I mean ONLY, reason I left Florida was because I got scared of the hurricanes. Now I know there are things much worse than hurricanes and at least you get SOME warning when they're coming.

No, I haven't really brought up the subject to Alexa yet. I'm going to soon, because I am going to plant the idea in her head and give her time to mull it over before she makes a final decision.

I'd like to clarify also that I have been completely cocaine free for three whole months. In that three months time, I have been intoxicated twice. (Alcohol has never been a problem for me, nor will it ever be.) I have no desire to ever touch the stuff again.

As for Bryan, I placed him in a take it or leave it situation. I explained that if we were to decide to move to Florida, I would probably ask him to come along, depending on the status of our relationship at that time. I was going with or without him. Considering BOTH of our natures, I even suggested that I leave and get settled and if it's right, send for him. It's not really been discussed at length, although I certainly think that getting Bryan out this no win situation he's found himself in will improve his chances of bettering his life and THIS is very important to me because I love this man very much and I want to be with him but NOT LIKE THIS. However, whatever he chooses to do is not really important to me. What's important to me is returning to my old, stable, happy self in a positive environment for me and Alexa.

So I am still thinking about it. I have been very reflective lately, not to mention more than a little fed up with Bryan's antics. Just when I think I have a grip on him, he fucks up again. Tonight, for example, I went up the the club to meet with Bryan, his brother Jeff (who is returning back to the Army in Germany tomorrow), Dave, and Jeff's girlfriend Megan. Bryan and I had had a horrible night the night before, and I decided that even though there were some things that needed to be discussed about the previous night's events, that it could wait until tomorrow. This is Jeff's last day here and I felt it would be selfish of me to monopolize Bryan's time with relationship stuff that can wait. So I agreed to meet them all at the bar and everything was going fine until I felt my internal "annoy-a-meter" suddenly rise. Bryan was hardly paying any attention to me at all. Now, I am having PMS like a motherfucker right now, and I tend to get emotional and a little temperamental in times like these. So I thought maybe I was just being a little overly sensitive and forced myself to be nice to him every time he talked to me even though what I really wanted to do was just snap his fucking head off. At one point, he came over and rubbed my back a little and was very sweet to me, but I noticed he kept picking up his drink and sitting at another table right next to the coat check. This was puzzling because he would do this while everyone else was out on the dance floor and it was just me sitting there. It pissed me off that he would get up and leave me and go sit at another table. So, I followed him over there and sat next to him and noticed right away that he was having conversations with the coat check girl an awful lot. Yeah. So, I peeked in to get a look at her, and she looked like Shrek. So I relaxed a little bit about that and sighed heavily to show my annoyance. Bryan caught on to it and we started cuddling and talking. About five minutes later, he turned to Coat Check girl and said something to her. They proceeded to engage in a ten minute conversation while I sat there feeling like a fucking third wheel. It seemed to me that every time he turned his head toward me she would say something else. And Bryan is a very friendly, nice, talkative people person, so he's just blabbing his big ass mouth away and I'm sitting there feeling my rage build. It's not a good rage. Dave walked by me and noticed the look on my face and I said loudly, "I'm just a little fucking annoyed right now." He glanced over at Bryan and back at me, and I knew instantly that he understood why. He shrugged his shoulders and smiled at me. I got up and went to talk to Megan and told her why I was pissed. She turned around, looked at Coat Check Girl, and said, "Hmmph. Look at her and look at you. You gotta get over it." I burst out laughing and in rare moment of playfulness I hugged Bryan, who was STILL talking to Coat Check Girl. I sat and patiently waited for about five more minutes and then I couldn't take anymore. I felt like I was about to take off like a rocket. Seriously. I have only felt that kind of rage once, and that was right before I punched Stephanie K in the mouth in the cafeteria in 9th grade. I felt like my arms were going to start swinging and that I was going to burst into tears any minute. I got up, grabbed my purse and keys, stepped in between their heads to stop their conversation, and waved in Bryan's face. "Bye," I said. "I'm leaving." The motherfucker had the audacity to look surprised. "What?" he asked, and I was already three feet away from him. Dave stepped over and gave me a hug, and then out of the corner of my eye I saw him immediately step over to Bryan and say something to him. (Thank God for Dave. He is the voice of sanity in my life sometimes.) I went out to my car, came home, and now I'm writing this. It's not a big deal, I know I'm being retarded about it......but why did it feel like the bitch was testing me???? Am I overreacting or it is just fucking RUDE to carry on a conversation with a guy when it's obvious his girlfriend is sitting right next to him but the motherfucker is so retarded he seems to have forgotten that she's there, and now you're just manipulating all his time? Is it just me?? Huh??

Whew. So, anyways. Yeah. I'm off to find something to eat. Even though it's almost four in the morning. I must find sustenance.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Just A Short Little Funny Note

I'm going to write a bigger post, probably tomorrow night, to respond to some of the questions and comments in my last entry, but I am so tired tonight that there is no way I could finish it. Also, I have a lot to do. Tomorrow I am hosting a barbecue at my house for Bryan's brother Jeff and his whole family, plus all our friends, will be here. Not to mention I AM NOT READY SINCE BRYAN FAILED TO TELL ME EVERYTHING UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE. So I need to go to sleep so I can get up, clean this whole house, get ready, run a bunch of errands, and get back here in time to start cooking. I can feel the stress already settling in, but at least I don't have to put on airs with them. They're family. If they don't like that I'm not ready when they get here, oh well. If one of them complains, I'll just kindly remind them of a time that THEY had made ME wait. Hmmph.

Anyway, I thought I would share this. Tonight, Bryan and I stopped at Speedway to get some drinks. On our way there, I heard him singing under his breath. I perked up my ears to see what he was singing. You remember that old song by Simon and Garfunkel called "Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover." You remember that one? "Slip out the back, Jack...make a new plan, Stan...no need to be coy, Roy...just get yourself free....hop on the bus, Gus...don't need to discuss much, just drop off the key, Lee...and get yourself free." (I think those are the words, someone let me know if I'm wrong, I am just too tired to look it up right now, LOL) Anyways, he's sitting there singing that song and I cannot believe my ears when he replaces the word "Gus" with "Cuz." As in, "Cousin." As in ghetto ass gangster style "Cuz". I started laughing hysterically but just to be sure, I asked him to sing it again. Looking a little confused, he sang it again and sure enough, I heard it loud and clear: "Hop on the bus, cuz." While wiping away my tears of hysterical laughter, I said, "Honey, you know that's not what he really says, don't you?"

"No," he said.

"He says 'Gus', not 'cuz' ," I told him.

Offended, he replied, "Well, that's what I thought he said. Who cares anyway? Maybe I don't know anyone named Gus and maybe I want my cousin to get on the bus."

I was still shaking my head when he went into the store and it probably took a full five minutes before I stopped laughing at that one. That's Bryan humor for you. Senseless, stupid, but ALWAYS funny.

***Andy, I know you enjoyed that one.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Riley goes crazy

This is a video of my daughter's dachsund, Riley, who had a very strong reaction to Bryan's paintball gun. Make sure you have your speakers up for this one.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

A Plea For Help

Although it may not be as serious as it sounds,I have a dilemma that I am dealing with right now and I need some outside advice. It's kind of been bothering me lately, so I thought it might be a good idea to make it public and see if I can get some kind of insight.

I have always flown through life by the seat of my pants and I can be very spontaneous. I like being able to do what I want, when I want, and I usually do. Alexa has trailed behind me for years on all my journeys, and we've had some good times and some bad times. When I decided to move back to Michigan last year, I promised her stability and consistency. No more moving. That's why we bought a house. Same school until she graduates. All of that. And at first, it was easy, because this is where I wanted to be. But I find myself often questioning that decision. I don't know if this is the right place for me to be right now.

This is my birthplace and this is my home, but I am not so sure if it's a good thing to be here. There is absolutely no future in this town. There is no market for any kind of business, and even though they talk about revamping Flint's image to make it appear as if its a cutesy little college town, that idea has never quite taken off. It is ugly, it is mismanaged, and it is very, very poor. I look around here at a place that literally has NO WORK. Sure, you can get an education here, but you can do nothing with it.

Florida has been on my mind, and it has nothing to do with the impending cold. I enjoy fall, it is my favorite season. But there is a scent to the air there, an atmosphere of success, that is not here in Flint. People struggle everywhere, but in Pensacola the struggle was eased by the atmosphere and the low cost of living, combined with no state income taxes. Work was plentiful in the service industry. People struggled, and people stressed, but it still is NOTHING like here. My life seems to be literally be stalled in neutral, and it's because I have reached an impasse in my life and I don't know where to go. The truth is, I want to go back to Florida. I have family and friends there, and a guaranteed job, should I choose to return. Plus, I WANT to be there.

But then again, I have to think about Alexa. She is secure and comfortable with her little group of friends, and they are already making plans for their junior and senior proms. (LOL) I hate to move her YET AGAIN just when she is probably starting to finally feel a little grounded. But I already worry about the quality of some of the friends she has; and I know it will only get worse in high school. I want to live a peaceful life, as far away from these negative lifestyles as I can. But I just worry so much about my timing. Alexa is in that stage of emotional development where she NEEDS to feel a bit more secure and a bit more grounded; its crucial to the development of her self esteem. But I feel that I might very well go absolutely fucking crazy if I have to stay here one more minute. I feel like I'm living my life running in place. I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO. I JUST KEEP GOING DOWN, DOWN, DOWN. I HATE it here, and I'm starting to hate myself. When I was in Florida, I gained a strong sense of self, became responsible, hard working, and independent, made good career choices, and GREW UP. Right now, I feel like I'm living MY life in REVERSE. Does this make sense? So I am torn between moving her and suffering the consequences later, or sticking it out and suffering until she graduates. I do not know what to do.

I would love some advice on this. I'm not talking about upping and leaving right now; I am thinking maybe more toward the summer. I don't want to pull Alexa out of school for it. But if I am going to do it I need to start planning now. I need a house, I need to sell THIS house, arrangements with my job, etc. I wish I could be set free right now, but I also know that good things come to those who wait. And I'm waiting.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Why?

I am so tired of people blaming their mistakes on me. Hey, I've made more than my share of mistakes and I don't need anyone else to pin their shit on me. Just a note to the people I'm talking about....and you know who you are....fuck you. I mean that sincerely. It's too bad that you let your hatred of a dead woman dictate how you treat me. I feel sorry for you. I'm sorry that your life sucks. Don't call me any more, because if you do, I'm hanging up. I am done with you and your drama and your jealousy. I don't need it. I am sick of the lies, the betrayal, and most of all, the blame game. Get over me. I am WAY over you.

Monday, October 23, 2006

These Are The Days Of Our Lives

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. Nothing is ever normal around here. Bryan's brother got here last Thursday on a monthlong leave from the Army and so we've been pretty busy. His brother, Jeff, decided to surprise him with a trip to Cedar Point for his birthday, which was on Saturday. (Yeah, he's a big "23" now...LOL) The trip to Cedar Point was great, EXCEPT....

I didn't get to ride on any rides. NO WAY am I standing in line just to be told that I am too fat to ride it. I didn't even attempt to ride any rides. Don't get me wrong, I still totally enjoyed myself because I got to know Jeff and his girlfriend, Megan, a little better. We did a lot of talking and hanging out while Bryan and Dave waited in lines. Sometimes everyone would ride and I would wait by myself, but this only happened once or twice, and it was never a very long wait. Since the title of this blog is "Is This Just a Fat Chick Thing?" and not "Sondra and Bryan, Inc," I decided to log on here today and bitch about myself for a moment.

I never felt left out, but I did feel stupid a couple of times. Like, why am I doing this to myself? Why am I so fat that I am nervous to try to ride rides? It was humiliating because I think everyone felt bad for me, which I DON'T WANT. Plus, more than ANYTHING, I wanted to have fun with Bryan but I felt more like a mom sometimes, holding coats and glasses and anything that they couldn't take on the roller coasters with them. I would watch the coasters go by and dream of days past when I could actually ride them without freaking out. I was really pissed at myself when Bryan wanted to go on the Skyhawk and no one wanted to wait for an hour and half in line with him. I would have if I could have rode it. We talked about it on the way home and to my surprise, I started crying and told him I was sorry that I was such a dead weight. (No pun intended). He was startled at my reaction, especially when I started blubbering about how I wanted to ride with him and that I would have waited in line with him if I thought I could ride it. He said, "I know that," and tried to console me but I was beside myself with shame. He wasn't ashamed of me in the least, but I was ashamed of myself.

Lately I haven't had much of an appetite, really. I eat maybe once a day, and I eat until I feel full and then I stop. I am not obsessing over food like I usually do, and I have lost a few pounds recently. It is unlike me to NOT obsess over food and stuff myself, so I am taking advantage of the fact that it is just not a priority to me right now. I think stress is causing this, although usually when I feel stress I want to over eat. The morning that we went to Cedar Point, I got a nosebleed out of nowhere that just wouldn't stop. I had blood all over my clothes, my face, and even my shoes. When I went to the pharmacy yesterday, the pharmacist told me that it was most likely a blood pressure issue and checked my blood pressure for me. It was extremely high, so obviously I need to just RELAX. Meanwhile, I am enjoying not eating. Don't worry, I'll never be anorexic. I love food too much.

Well, I'm off to have what is hopefully going to be a good day. I have been exercising a little bit but I haven't been able to walk because of all the rain lately. Today its finally dry outside, and I think I am going to take the opportunity to get out there, get some fresh air, listen to my IPod, and spend some quality time with myself.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

From The Mouth of My Mini-Me

I actually have a lot to write about, but I've been up for umpteen hours (literally) and I am starting to not feel well. I am also stressed out at this particular moment, so a long and detailed entry is on its way. But for now, I wanted to share what my dear daughter said one night after dinner.

We had went out to dinner and when we got in the car, Bryan said,"Thanks for dinner." I said,"You're welcome." All was quiet for a moment, and then from the backseat, I hear Alexa say, in all seriousness, "Mom, do I have to say thank you too even though it's against the law for you not to feed me?"

Monday, October 16, 2006


I just opened up my My Space account and found this bulletin. I filled it out and decided it was funny enough to share here.


What does my name mean? (Sondra)

S: Easy to fall in love with.
O: Awesome kisser.
N: You like to drink.
D: You like to drink.
R: Fuckin crazy.
A: You like to drink.

LMAO!!!! That's all I have to say about this one.


A: You like to drink.
B: You like people.
C: You are really silly.
D: You like to drink.
E: Damn good kisser.
F: You are dead sexy.
G: You never let people tell you what to do.
H: You have a very good personality and looks.
I: You Are Great in bed
J: People Adore you.
K: You're wild and crazy.
L: Everyone loves you.
M: You like to drink.
N: You like to drink.
O: Awesome kisser.
P: You are popular with all types of people.
Q: You are a hypocrite.
R: Fuckin crazy.
S: Easy to fall in love with.
T: You're loyal to those you love.
U: You really like to chill.
V: You are not judgemental.
W: You are very broad minded.
X: You never let people tell you what to do.
Y: Best g/f b/f anyone could ever ask for
Z: Always ready.


Delete the other person's name and repost this with the title "what does your name mean?" in 11 minutes and something wonderful will happen.
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Saturday, October 14, 2006

Oops!

I posted this picture of Bryan because I like it. It captures one of my favorite facial expressions of his. I just love his face in this picture. I even like his hair, which had grown curly and wild and out of control...he's since cut it.

Anyways, so...I always wondered if Bryan would ever tell me he loved me. And if he did, what the first time he said it would be like. I don't tell him I love him directly; I never say, "I love you," to him like that. I might say something like," I know ya love me," or, "You know I love ya," or something casual like that, and he always says, "yup," and nods his head in agreement. I knew a while back that he loved me. He knows that he loves me, but we don't really discuss it. It doesn't seem necessary. Not only that, but we love each other on different levels, if that makes any sense. We love each other but we are also like family. We are comfortable with this.

I told him I loved him once...and that was in the middle of a very passionate, very heated, very emotional moment. (And NO, it wasn't sex!) I was very drunk, too, and I was pissed that I had broken my vow to myself that I would never, ever say that word to him. After I said it, I said it AGAIN, and then we just sat there. Since we were both smashed, we both forgot about it within minutes and went promptly to bed to pass out. No mention was made of it for about a month, and then I brought it up. I asked him if he remembered me saying that to him and he said that he did. I felt better, getting it out there in the open, but at the same time, saying it out loud is literally speaking it into existence, and then everything changes.

So, I'm rambling. Anyway, I always wondered if he would say it to me. I kind of figured he would when he was ready to. Tonight, he went out with his brother and at around 11:00 I paged him on his 2 way. He beeped me back but all I heard was music. This went on for a couple of minutes and finally my phone rang..it was him. He was pretty drunk, but I wasn't at all irritated. I knew he was safe because he was with his brother and most likely Dave, and he hasn't been out in almost a month. Plus, with him being drunk that early, it was a certainty that he would be home long before the bar closes. (I was right.)

So, we chatted for a minute and he made me laugh because he was so drunk..but he was obviously having a good time. We wrapped up our conversation, Bryan saying, "Thank you for checking up on me," like he sincerely meant it. I said, "Of course, baby, that's my job," and laughed. He laughed too, and then he promised me he would call me when he got home. (He didn't, and I knew then that he wouldn't. I ended up getting a hold of HIM.) I said, "All right, honey, I'l talk to you tomorrow." He said, casual as can be,"Okay then. Have a good night. I love you." It took me all of a NANOSECOND to process that information. Instantly, I considered these things:

He was drunk
Maybe he didn't mean to say it
Making a big deal out of him saying it would only embarass him
Keep my mouth shut

So, right after he said it, before he could say another word, or take back what he said, I said, "Okay, baby, I love you too, goodnight," and hung up the phone. I know Bryan, and I knew he wouldn't go out of his way to call me back and tell me that what he had just said had been a mistake. If I had stayed on the phone, and if it had been an honest mistake, he would have told me, but call me back and explain? No.

Now tomorrow, I'm not going to say a word about it. I'm going to proceed as normal. But I have to admit that it feels nice to hear it. Drunk minds speak sober thoughts.

Now that I think about it, this isn't the first time Bryan told me he loved me. The first time he actually used it in a sentence, he was drunk as well. (See above statement.) He had requested a song, our song actually, by Cassie, and when it came on, I smiled at him and said, "Aww, did you request this song for us?" He said that he did. Trying to be coy, I said, "Why?" His response? "'Cause I looooooooooooove you, motherfucker." Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


Lord have mercy, it never ends. This is what I've been so busy doing, people. Yup.
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Crazy Cat Part 2

And he STILL won't let go.


And here is a GREAT way to scare your friends. The reactions are priceless. Take a look at this video...we made it ourselves. And PLEASE make sure your SPEAKERS are ON. You WILL need them!


CLICK here!!! Posted by Picasa

Crazy Cat

Willie got caught getting into the food on the counter (AGAIN!) and when Alexa got a hold of him, he clung to her for dear life. This was just too funny to NOT take a picture. Posted by Picasa


You gotta LOVE the shirt.
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This is what we do in our family for fun. We grow up, and then ride on the little pink horsey at Meijer's. Sheesh. And let's not forget about the little purple one, either. Is that a friggin dinosaur??
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Friday, September 29, 2006

Funny Shit

I thought I would write something a little more lighthearted than usual.

I thought I would share what I like to call "Bryanisms."

Bryan has his own manner of speaking, which I attribute to his Libra sign. I like the fact that he is his own person and doesn't care who knows it, but sometimes, he can be stressful.

One night, Alexa was really dressed like a tomboy and Bryan started teasing her, asking her if she was gay. I told him to stop it, but Alexa seemed to be able to handle her own, and started teasing him back. We went to Meijer's to go grocery shopping, and he took it too far and made her cry. She stalked ahead of us in the aisle and bumped right into some girls who were shopping, too. They took one look at her, and then glared at Bryan.

"You're mean," one of them said. "You need to APOLOGIZE."

So Bryan rolled up his shirt, tied it in a knot right above his belly button, and right there in Meijer's, in front of everyone, began prancing up and down the aisles, following Alexa, and loudly declaring, "I'm gay! I'm gay, everybody!" I got the hell out of there so people wouldn't know he was with me. I was pretty embarassed. When he finally caught up to me, a stockboy walked by and Bryan said to him, "I'm not really gay." The guy looked at him like was nuts, smiled, and shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "Who cares?" I have to agree. I cussed him out for embarassing me...but I smiled when I was doing it.

There was also this one time that I picked him up from the bar and he was pretty drunk. He asked me to go through the drive through at Taco Bell so I did. While we were in line, we started bickering and he got belligerent. He got out of the car, in line, and threatened to moon me. I was able to coax him back into the car that time. However, the people behind us were interested and started watching us. I asked him to please shut up and just order his food and he said, "No!" I said, "Bryan, will you please just act right? People are looking at us." He said, "So?" When the lady came on the speaker and asked us what we wanted to order, Bryan leaned over me and literally yelled through the window, "YEAH! SONDRA'S MAD AT ME BECAUSE--" at which point I yelled, "Shut up!" and attempted to drive away. But I forgot that once you're in the drive through lane at that particular Taco Bell, you're stuck. So I drove over the curb to get out of there, and in my rearview mirror, I could see the people behind us cracking up. Not one of my more graceful moments.

And, more recently, we got into argument that he decided to end by getting out of the car and walking home. I followed him down the road, trying to get him back in the car, because it was almost three in the morning and we were in a pretty bad area. I had also been drinking, and I was scared to drive alone. He refused over and over again, and finally we caught the attention of a few guys in a white car who pulled up next to Bryan and said, "Hey man, is everything all right? You all right?"

Bryan said, "Yeah, it's all right," as he continued to walk.

"Do you want a beer?" one of them asked.

"No, I'm good," he said.

One of the guys had been eyeing me and finally spoke up. "Are you sure everything is all right?" he asked Bryan.

"Yeah," Bryan replied. "It's just my drunk girlfriend trying to run me over."

As if it happens every day, or something.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Q & A And Other Stuff

I'm sitting here writing when I should be working on a little homework that I have. But I feel like writing, so fuck it.

First of all, I wanna say thanks to everyone that left me comments on the post before last. I was surprised and encouraged at the support I got from everyone. It meant a lot to me.

Ms. Cherie, to answer your question, I really don't mind that Shawn has a girlfriend. I've seen a picture of her and she is very pretty, and he seems to enjoy his time with her. He doesn't tell me much about their relationship or anything, but my daughter cheerfully informed me that they can talk on the phone for HOURS. LOL. I'm glad he's found someone to focus his attention on. He deserves someone that appreciates him.

My first day of school was awesome. It was nice connecting with old friends. Sitting in the classrooms was hard, because I haven't done that in so long, but otherwise it was fine. It was nice to have something different to focus my attention on.

Kristi S---why in hell aren't you in school this semester???

Everything else seems to be fine. Bryan and I are getting along pretty well. We are struggling with one issue and unfortunately it's a private one. I wish I could share it here, but I can't. I hope we can get through it. He spent the night last night. We've had a couple of bickering sessions, but nothing serious because we catch ourselves before we get really mad. So far, this has worked wonders. He even offered to take my car to go get worked on tomorrow while I'm in school. Like he doesn't have enough to do already, but I sure appreciate it.

I have two chapters to read for my Cognitive Behavior Therapy class and some notes to take, so I guess I had better get started on that. We're supposed to pick one thing about ourselves that we would like to change and apply a therapy to it to make it work. I already have a lot of things about myself that I would like to change, but I think I'm going to focus on yelling. I am a yeller. This only gets people more excited. It's better to be calm. But if anyone else has any better ideas, I'm definitely listening.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

I Took a Personality Test Today

Extraversion |||||||||||||||| 66%
Stability |||| 16%
Orderliness |||||||||||||| 56%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Interdependence |||||||||||| 43%
Intellectual |||||||||| 36%
Mystical |||||||||||| 43%
Artistic |||||||||||| 43%
Religious |||||||||| 36%
Hedonism |||||||||||| 50%
Materialism |||||||||||||||| 63%
Narcissism |||||||||||||| 56%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Work ethic |||||||||||||||| 70%
Self absorbed |||||||||||| 43%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 50%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||| 56%
Romantic |||||||||||| 50%
Avoidant |||||||||||||| 56%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 70%
Wealth |||||||||| 36%
Dependency |||||||||| 36%
Change averse |||||||||||||||| 70%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Individuality |||||||||||||||| 70%
Sexuality |||||||||||| 50%
Peter pan complex |||||||||| 36%
Physical security || 10%
Physical fitness || 10%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 63%
Vanity |||||| 23%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 70%
Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 63%


Stability results were very low which suggests you are extremely worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
open, tough, irritable, worrying, does not like to be alone, craves attention, low self control, emotionally sensitive, interacting, sad, very social, aggressive, prefer organized to unpredictable, dependent, social chameleon, suspicious, values the heart over the mind, likes large parties, outgoing, likes to make fun, likes to fit in, mildly phobic, vain, makes friends easily, enjoys leadership, clingy, rash.


*Whaddya think? Is it me? Um, I think it's almost pretty much on the mark.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

And More Changes....

I start school in a little under twelve hours. I cannot wait.

I feel like my life is really going back to normal again. Things are still different, though.

For starters, my husband has a girlfriend. I am back in my old house and broke as ever. I am back on my medication and facing reality for the first time in a while. I am sober and rational, most of the time. And I am struggling with relationship issues, which is something I haven't had to worry about in a long time.

I can't wait to go back to school and start exercising again. I don't care if lose any weight, I just want to feel healthier. I can't wait to start my exercising my brain again...I feel like I'm slowly going retarded. I need to keep better care of my house and my things, and be more responsible with the money I DO have. Right now I suck at this.

I can't believe how much I have to face up to now. I have made such a huge mess of things. It's like I've been sleepwalking since May and now that I'm awake, I feel like I'm standing next to a smoking pile of ashes that happens to be my life and the lives of those around me. I feel like I could have handled everything so differently. I feel like I'm the one who poured the gas and lit the match.

I have finally realized that I cannot dwell on what a fuck up I have been. I have to focus on cleaning up the mess so that it doesn't affect anyone else anymore. My own father is still not really speaking to me, and half of my family refuses to have anything to do with me because of my relationship with Bryan. (Thank you, cousins, for not demanding the same thing. I don't think I could handle any more ultimatums.) I keep plodding on as I always do, but it still sucks. I used to be the golden child, the most reliable, the one with her head on straight. I guess my mean, drunk sister would be happy to hear that I have been dethroned. Well, fuck her.

So right now my focus is on repairing relationships, especially the one I have with myself. I am so disappointed in myself that it makes me sick; but at the same time, when I look back on it, I knew it was only a matter of time before I broke and did something really stupid and avoided responsibility for a while. I live under a lot of pressure because I am a Type A personality and I think I just wanted to avoid reality for a while. However, the way I treated my husband and especially my daughter is deplorable. I am really ashamed of myself and I am admitting it here, in this public forum. And fuck those of you who judge me, because you really don't know me, and you have no idea what this is like.

I feel as if I am moving closer to my happy place. I have been feeling peaceful lately, as if I know everything is going to be okay. I haven't felt like this in months. Peaceful. Somewhat settled. And it will get better and better.

As for my relationship with Bryan, it's moving along as best as could be expected. He is putting forth a major effort right now, as am I. We just spent three wonderful, peaceful, fight free nights together and talked a lot about our relationship. We both know it's going to be a struggle, but we also both understand that we need to be a lot more accepting of each other. I have actually started to repeat what he says to me back to him, just to be absolutely sure that I understand what he's saying to me. (That just shows how badly we communicate sometimes.) When he gets done talking I tell him, "Okay, what I'm hearing you say is that...." I have found that this works, because he is a literal talker and I am an analyzer. This makes for MISERABLE communication. He says EXACTLY what he means, yet I sit and analyze it and go over it with a fine tooth comb for HOURS and usually I end up totally misunderstanding him. He doesn't get me either, because I like to talk in circles. During the time we spent together, we both practiced patience. It worked. I don't honestly know how long it will last, but right now, it sure is nice.

We are also working on a project together, for him. I am not going to mention it here, because it really isn't something I should share, but his close friends know what I'm talking about. We spent hours on it last night and tomorrow night we're going to work on it some more. I am really excited for him and I am glad I get to share in this experience.

I need to go to sleep now, it's almost three in the morning and I am very, very tired. I went to Bryan's house tonight and ended up hanging out with him and Dave, watching TV, which I never do. I have never hung out at his house more than three times. Then I took Dave home and came home, and I am exhausted. I didn't expect to be there that long.

So, I am off, with a little more optimism and a whole lot more hope. I hope that tomorrow is as good of a day as I think it's going to be.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Fuck You if You Dont Like It

I changed my music on my page. Kiss my ass if you think it's corny. It is, but it's how I feel. I'll get over it. Soon. But for now....

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Next Episode

I know everyone is just sitting around wondering what in the hell is going on with me. The truth is, I don't know. I mean, I feel a little bit at peace, but not by much. But I don't feel extremely stressed out either. I am little peeved at the moment, but I am sure that will go away, too. The truth is, I have hardly left my room at all today and I haven't really eaten in a couple of days. I am enjoying the cool breeze that is coming through my window, even though my feet are cold, and I want to go rake up a bunch of leaves and jump in them. Or something. Take a shower. Eat something hot. Go somewhere. But I am resting for the first time in months. Boredom is beginning to settle in now.

I found out about a week ago that my husband's parents found my blog online and have been reading it since June. So when they came to visit at the end of June, they already knew about Bryan and eveything else, yet they didn't say anything while they were here. I am so embarassed I want to die, but at the same time, even though I didn't expect them to actually find it, I knew there was a chance that they would. They talked to Shawn and everything, he didn't really get into great detail about their conversation. But now they know more than I would ever tell them.

Last night I did talk to Bryan. It was my idea to take some days off away from each other so that I can focus on me, which is what I am trying hard to do right now. Obviously, I have some issues to focus on. I miss him terribly, but at the same time, I know this is the right thing to do. I talked him out of totally giving up on our relationship, but he did make it clear that he wanted to be able to see other people if he wanted to. When I didn't respond to that, he made the statement that he knew I didn't like it. I said I didn't like it, but I DID understand it. He knows he's not going to find someone to love him more or treat him better, but he COULD find someone he won't fight with as much. So now I have to really practice patience. I know I bitch about him a lot in this thing, but he's come a very long way in a short time...there's no reason why I can't put forth the same effort.

What would make him (AND EVERYONE ELSE) happy is if we could just have a stress free family type relationship. I have kept Alexa distanced from us because of the fighting and other things that were going on this summer. It didn't do me any good, because she started acting up in school and other things. So, like I said, I am taking this time to focus on her and me. She must have really missed me being in the house because she's been in my room with me most of the day. We've been painting and working on homework. This is part of the reason I feel peaceful right now, like I'm finally doing the right thing. Someone I love very much pointed out to me that he's been my main focal point lately, and she's right. I knew it before she said it. He's even said it to me. But I so badly didn't want to lose him that I failed to realize I was losing myself in the process. So, like I said, we're going to try and hang out later this week, but no sooner than Thursday at least. We've chatted a little bit online here and there. Too much contact would surely spoil it. Besides, I don't want to take him for granted.

Tomorrow I have to go up to the school and pick up Alexa's homework, take the dog to the vet to be fixed, and pick up my books for school. I have some cleaning to do around the house still, too, so I am hoping that having to get up early in the morning will keep me motivated all day. Tonight I have to haul a bunch of junk out of here and take the trash out, and I have a ton of dishes sitting in the sink. (Boy do I miss that dishwasher.) I also need to go grocery shopping...I have absolutely nothing to eat. Yesterday, I had a handful of Pringles and today I had a handful of Chex Mix. Alexa made me lunch but I didn't feel like eating. Hopefully by tonight that will change.

So I am sitting here, being optimistic. It is nice to be able to write again. I have had no outlet for months. So I will probably write a lot, at least until I get busy next week with school. I can hardly wait. I am cautious about my relationship, also, and trying not to set my standards too high. I keep forgetting that I cannot pressure him like I could a guy my age. He's just too young. So I have to let him do what he wants to do, but one thing I know for sure is that he does care about me. He rarely says he loves me, but he does. If he didn't, he would have dropped the ball on me yesterday.

I need a life!!!

Bryan and Willie

This is a picture I took a little over a week ago of Bryan and my kitty, Willie. Willie is very loving and seems to have found love in Bryan, for some reason. Will someone please tell Bryan that he does NOT have an UGLY face? Posted by Picasa

You Know You Grew Up In The Eighties...

I found this cool little thing on MySpace today about how you can tell if you grew up in the eighties. Most of them were familiar to me. LOL! So I thought I would post pictures of what I looked like back then, just to clown on myself.


You Know You Grew Up In The 80's If...
1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE".
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair " ...and can do the "Carlton".
4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH " comes from Joey on Blossom.
8. Two words: Hammer Pants.
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock ".
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and "spokey-dokes" or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect.
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales". (Woo ooh!)
12. When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles " on the big screen... and still know the turtles names.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side. 17. You played the game "MASH ". (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear... need I say more.
20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM " in Kindergarten. (She's truly outrageous)
21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing " and all the Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF".
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us... head-to-toe)
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pail Kids in the schoolyard.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT " after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hookup.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. (and like ..24, probably in neon colors, too)
35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?" 36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
42. You remember Popples.
43. "Don't worry, be happy"
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do...getting yelled at by "younger hip" members of the family)
46. "Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK "
47. You remember boom boxes. and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
48. You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies.
49. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!"
50. You remember watching "Rainbow Bright" and "My Little Pony Tales "
51. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
52. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
53. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool... and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB".
54. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By the Bell ", the ORIGINAL class.
55. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
56. You just sang those words to yourself.
57.You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
58. Homemade Levi shorts. (the shorter the better)
59. You remember when mullets were cool!
60. You had a mullet!
61. You still sing "We are the World"
62. You tight rolled your jeans.
63. You owned a bannana clip.
64. You remember "Where's the Beef?"
65. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' about Willis?"
66. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
67. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head,aren't you! Posted by Picasa

Monday, September 18, 2006

I feel sick today. I woke up having a panic attack. Not surprising, considering the circumstances I am living under.

Bryan and I have been fighting almost nonstop for almost two weeks. I have cried almost every day. People who know me well have been making comments like, "You're never happy anymore." I feel trapped in a cage, can't get out. The other night, the straw broke the camel's back when we got into the third fight of the night (the night Kristy and Mike got married) while we were out with some friends. He ended up getting out of my car and I chased him around for a while until I couldn't find him anymore. I had been drinking for the first time in six weeks...all I was trying to do was relieve some stress and have a good time. He was NOT drunk at all. So here I am, driving while intoxicated, running around in circles, sobbing and crying and calling him over and over again. It was almost five in the morning when I finally went home and passed out.

I woke up feeling like my heart was breaking yesterday. I text messaged him a couple of times, but for the most part, left him alone. In my sober mind, I knew this was the best thing to do. I walked around trying to pretend that my heart wasn't hurting, that part of me wasn't missing. This went on all day. At 11:30 PM I called him and left a message, telling him that I understand why he wasn't talking to me and that I missed him more than anything.

This morning, when I woke up, I felt like someone had stabbed me right through my heart. I have NEVER felt like this with ANYONE. I've always been dramatic and bold when it comes to matters of the heart, but today I literally feel like I am dying inside. This is new to me.

I woke up in the middle of a dream that had Bryan in it, and I'll be damned if I can remember what it was. I got up and went into the kitchen and tried not to cry. Mike and Kristy were already up and packing their stuff and I sat at the kitchen table and smoked cigarette after cigarette. We made small talk and then my phone rang...it was Bryan. I went into the bedroom to talk to him and he was very gentle and nice to me. We talked a little bit about our relationship and what happened the other night, and then he dropped a bomb on me by saying he still wants me in his life, but only on a friendship level.

I felt the panic set in but I kept my voice calm and suggested we meet later to talk to each other face to face. I cannot STAND having serious conversations over the phone, for one thing, and for another, his sisters and mom were sitting right there and they know WAY too much of my business. He agreed to meet with me, but said that he didn't want to go anywhere. He just wanted to park in the driveway, which is actually okay with me because I'll make sure that by the time I get there, everyone else in the house will be in bed. (If that driveway could talk about things its heard and seen me and Bryan do in it....we have had a lot of serious conversations in the driveway.) I told him I wouldn't get there until later tonight, because I have a lot to do today, and he said that would be fine. He then said, "You can come over here and we can talk, but I'm telling you right now that I am not changing my mind. It's made up." That pierced my heart too, but at least he's willing to listen to what I have to say.

We've been through this once before and got through it. I don't know about now. I am trying not to think about it too much, because I have so much to do right now, but I can't help but worry. I miss him so much right now that I can hardly stand it. I want to see him, be near him, and have everything go back to the way it was about three weeks ago. Some things have happened in our relationship that has caused some resentment and anger on my part, and things have just not been good. Matter of fact, the last time I saw him, right before we got into our third big fight of the day, we had a long discussion and agreed on several things. Number one, we NEVER have any time to ourselves. We never spend hardly a moment alone. Number two, we BOTH put everyone else first before we put ourselves, which puts our relationship in the red danger zone, since relationships need work and nurturing and especially ours, considering the age difference and the circumstances. We never have time to do ANY of this. And number three, we both agreed that it was getting almost too stressful to handle and if it happened again, then we would have to end our relationship...both of us are just too stressed. Funny how three or four hours later, that's exactly what happened.

So I could use some prayer and some advice. I wish I knew what it was about him that makes me love him so much. I am not willing to just let him go. He has the most beautiful, gentle soul of anyone else I know even though he's a hard headed, spoiled little baby brat. His heart is genuine, and we have a lot in common except our communication style. I have had more fun with him than with anyone else; he always makes me laugh and he is loyal almost to a fault. I will probably update this later tonight after I see him, but I have a feeling that I am going to be crying even harder when I come back tonight than I feel like crying right now. I hope not, but its just a feeling.