MARCH 1, 2007

W O W

Current mood:morose

I never thought that I would ever experience a crushing heart break like this. It is SO hard! I know I need to get over it and Im trying to, but it hurts like my soul is being ripped out of me. I swear to God, I have never experienced such pain before. I cry often, I dont sleep much, and I am so tense all the time. Sometimes, a memory will invade my thoughts and a sharp stab of pain will hit me right in the heart. Its a searing, stinging pain that Ive never known before. I feel like Im on the outside looking in at something I know I will never have even though I want it more than anything. I want to hold on to it so bad even though I know it cant be mine. Ive been fighting for so long that I didnt realize how much Ive been hurting. Now that the fightings over, I realize how tired I am of hurting. My spirit is so exhasuted from all this grief and sorrow. I just dont want to hurt anymore.


How the hell can I feel completely at home, yet absolutely lost, at the same time? Thats how I feel around Bryan. I need to stop, stop seeing him, just stop talking to him completely, disappear from his life abruptly and never come back. I want to do this so bad but I CANT, I cant do it when I live right here. I have a weakness for him that I dont understand. Ive always been strong, but when it comes to him I cant resist anything. Why? I wish I didnt love him. I really wish I didnt. I cant stand sitting here worrying about whether or not hes with someone else. Theres nothing I can do about it, have no right to say anything about it, but the thought of it makes me want to cry hysterically. I keep waiting for this grief to end, or at least subside some, but it hasnt. It keeps getting worse.

I hope I sleep better tonight than last night. I really need to rest. I really do