FEBRUARY 19, 2007

Misery

Current mood:depressed

I never heard from Bryan yesterday. I did talk to Dave briefly, but not about the situation. I just feel sick this morning. I usually feel terrible when I first get up and I cry and rage at the world for a couple of hours. I cry, hug my pillows, and talk to myself. I feel like Im losing my mind. Everything in this house reminds me of him. Its so hard to sleep in this bed. Its hard to do anything.

Yesterday I was supposed to go to church with friends, but my friend Strom called me and as soon as I heard his voice I started crying. He hightailed it over here and took me to dinner. Thank God for him making me laugh. I genuinely laughed for the first time. He went through a similar situation when he went through a divorce just a few months ago. So he can relate to the way I feel.

This morning I got up and wrote Bryan a letter. I told him that I love him but that there was no way I could ever think of him the same after this, especially since I havent heard an apology yet. I told him that right now, I might be down as low as I can go, but soon, and I mean real soon, I am going to shine. Just like I did when I moved to Florida. I can do it. I NEED to do it. I need to be around people, doing something productive, instead of sitting in this room and being miserable. As soon as I start to feel better, he is going to meet the REAL Sondra. When he met me, I was at that point, but shortly after, my life started going downhill. I refuse to blame Bryan for that, but everyone who knows me keeps pointing out to me how drastically bad my life has become in comparison to what it was a year ago. I just threw my whole life away to concentrate on one person, and I lost myself in the process. This is my opportunity to find myself again, because the old Sondra may have cried and raged over this situation too, but it wouldnt have defeated her. Right now, I feel totally defeated. And that really pisses me off.

My heart is so broken. I am trying to stay social and busy but its hard because most of my friends are his friends too, and they seem to be evenly divided into two groups: Those That Want To Stay Out Of It, and Those Who Ignore Me. This is killing me that no one else seems to think that this is wrong.

Today, my goal is to try and stay busy. I am taking Alexa shopping for clothes, and then to lunch. Her friend is with us so it ought to be fun. I just dont feel like laughing...and its hard to enjoy anything. I havent actually ENJOYED anything in about a week or more. But Im going to try, because anything is better than the way I feel right now.