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Monday, October 05, 2009

Bipolar Summer!

This has been one nutty fuckball summer. I wish I could put it all into words how crazy the last three months has been, but there's no way. It has been nuts. In a nutshell:

I've been camping. Up north. I hated it.
Watched fireworks from a boat on the fourth. It is so hard to believe that that was actually four months ago. WOW.
Drank a lot of coffee.
Started smoking cigarettes again.
I also partied at the bar quite a bit, and made some new friends.
I started a hot and heavy affair that just keeps getting hotter and heavier. I'm not complaining.
I've lost another fifteen pounds or more. It WOULD be much more but I can't stay away from coneys.
I've done some things that I've never done before.
I've discovered my groove.
I lost my beloved Willie, and my Montana. That was very hard.

I really am collecting all this information in my mind so that I can write a book about this summer's experience. It was truly one of a kind. I think it will be a best seller. I have a LOT to say.

Well, it's November now. I still drink a lot of coffee. I'm still smoking. And I'm still having an affair that is quite possibly going to be the affair of my lifetime. Not much to complain about. At least not on here. There's no drugs, no drinking, no Bryan, so really....it couldn't be better. And did I mention that I am really enjoying myself?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Supposed Happenings





If I could find one word to describe my life right now, I would have trouble limiting it to one phrase. Ones that run through my mind regularly are hopeful, careless, chaotic, peaceful, and assured. I am making choices right now that I usually do not make, and I really, really miss my Daniel. The pain of not having my male BFF in my life right now is almost too much to bear. But I am keeping on keeping on, because I have to hold out the hope that someday things will change and he will be in my life again. I have so many regrets about that.

Right now I have feelings for someone who is attached. Forget the fact that he left her to be with me and then went back because she claimed "pregnancy". Forget our almost Daniel-Sondra like chemistry, and forget the fact that we can talk with our eyes all day. Forget the fact that when he touches me I warm right up, or that when he texts me my heart pounds and my face turns red. Forget about it all, the way he smiles at me and how he's sensitive to my emotions. Forget it that he hates Bryan and all that he stands for in the name of loyalty to me. God, I even have to forget the fact that he turned down a drunken proposal from my BFF because, as he said to me, "I could never do that to you." I even have to forget the fact that he is as emotionally attached and affectionate as I am. He is everything I want, and maybe he is everything I need. I don't know him well enough to figure that part out yet. I just know that I want it, and I want it to be all mine. Being with him, there is a sense of completeness. But there is just the fact that he has been with this girl for two years now, and even though he says, "WHY couldn't I have met YOU two years ago?" he still loves her. I accept that he loves her, and I could learn to love her too, as this is someone that I actually know and have spent time with...but not since I developed major feelings for him. She knows all about us and when he left her she pulled out all the stops to keep him. For two weeks we left each other alone besides the occasional phone call. But something, and not just sex, keeps us from staying away from each other. I just can't do it right now. When I hold him at night I know he's not all mine and most likely never will be, but I just can't sit here and let the chips fall where they may. This time, I have to let sense and conscience guide me...not my emotions. I am going to demand that she take a pregnancy test. I have already told him that he needs to think about what he will do if she is not pregnant. If his plans do not include trying to build on what we have already, then I have to walk. For my own good. This blog has taken me through my marriage to Shawn and my relationship with Bryan...and I don't want to make any more mistakes. I find myself reading my horoscope daily and asking God to point me in the right direction. It is so hard because his love for me is very healing. But at the same time, this love could really destroy me if he takes it away from me again.

God has not been a big force in my life, because up until I met him, I felt very bitter about my life in general. I wondered why it was so easy for people to hurt me like they do. Not that this man hasn't hurt me, because he did when he walked away from me the first time. But now I am calling on God to guide me through this because I don't know what else to do. I have no more options. I find myself in a bizarre and unthinkable position, even for me. I sleep with him at his house while she's gone at work, and I help him take care of her two little girls. I love those kids, even though I said I wouldn't allow myself to get attached to them, because after all, they are not his, they're hers. Now that doesn't matter to me. They're beautiful and smart, and they love their mommy. She doesn't hate me, but I don't really know if she knows how much time I spend with him and the girls. They love me and probably wouldn't understand if I just went away. I don't think I can just go away...they all live next door to my BFF. So here I am doing what I'm doing and I'm pretty sure this is all bad karma. I need to figure out what to do. Hurting people is not my thing. And this is absolutely a no win situation, for sure. SOMEONE or more than one person is going to be devastated. It's a no win situation no matter how you dice it, and no good can come of it. Laying next to him in bed last weekend, I was listening to the radio early in the morning, as he lay there asleep, the DJ asked people to call in and tell him about a situation that "seemed like a good idea at first but turned out not to be." I chuckled to myself as I imagined calling in and telling them about my situation. What could they tell me besides what I've already heard?

So I feel a little lost. Sometimes I really want to try to make this work in however shape or form it's going to work, and sometimes I really want to just throw in the towel and walk away because I'm taking a big gamble on my weakened heart. I can't see how I can possibly win this time, and maybe, for the first time in my life, I should just walk away. All I really want to do is be healthy in mind, body, and spirit, and with this on my conscience, I can't be. I just really, really don't know what to do. I never do, do I? LOL. Hopefully, the answer will come soon. Time to have the box of tissues ready.

Anxiously,
Sondra

Monday, April 13, 2009

Things To Ponder


Lately I have been absolutely outside of myself. I don't know what's going on. My mind wanders off in directions unknown, I never hear people when they're speaking to me, I'm constantly distracted, and sometimes I'll have days where I am pretty weepy over everything. I know it's because of my current situation and I am trying very hard to control it. I have never felt like this before. I mean, I have really strong feelings for someone who I am not sure returns those feelings. But, it shouldn't, and WON'T matter, if they're not reciprocated because of our friendship. But I just don't know. And there's so many other things I'm dealing with besides that...that just complicates things. And on my better days, provides that ray of hope I've been longing for for so long.

But now that I am out of the relationship with Bryan, I find myself getting more and more pissed each day. It's like I kept a lid on a bubbling pot for three years. Now, it's starting to boil over. I guess it's the hurt before the heal, I don't know but it sucks. I have no desire to be with him or to try and love him ever again, but I still feel obligated to care about him for some reason. although he never really showed me that he cared about me. And when I go back on the relationship and realize how bad, how really, really bad he treated me, I get really angry, not just with him but with me for putting up with it. It hurts me even more when I stop and actually think about the things he's put me through and everything. I realize that I am broken, in more ways than one, and like I've said before, everything hurts. I feel limp, twisted, and useless. I hurt so much sometimes that I find myself desperately trying to think of some drug, any drug, that I could take that would fill this void and make me numb. I realize now that it's a pattern for me to use drugs as a way to cope with situations that I feel I can't handle. I did it when I was 22 and transitioning out of my first serious relationship...I drank myself into a stupor every night, I did it when I met Bryan and started doing coke, I started smoking weed like crazy to get over doing the coke, and now I find myself wishing for numbness. Not happiness. Numbness. I am so tired of feeling...I want to feel nothing. However, I have learned from my previous mistakes so drug use isn't really in my plans. I've been drinking some, though, and that's just not something I do. I've also been taking whatever nerve pills my coworkers are nice enough to give me for free, like xanax. I look in the mirror and I can see that everything is eating me up alive, even though I am making a valiant effort to survive this without crashing. I have never felt so hurt, so broken, so betrayed in all my life, and while I don't mourn the relationship, I mourn for myself, for selling myself so short, for wasting my time, and for all the times he's hurt me by not showing that he cares for me at all. He continues to do this.

And with my other situation..well, that's just so difficult. Here is a person that I have a beautiful connection with. It's rare to connect with someone they way we have, and after that relationship with Bryan, it can sometimes be very healing to my heart to know that there is someone out there who really does care for me, no matter on what level. Everyone that has ever met him loves him and can observe how much he cares for me. I know I'm safe now that he's in my life. No man will ever hurt me again, not physically, and certainly not mentally. I know that I am not really alone any more, because I have bonded with someone who won't let me be alone. Being near him is calming and we spend a lot of time together. Eventually, we'll get to the bottom of whether or not he can see me as more than a friend, but what that will boil down to is pretty much nothing will change. If he does care for me, I want everything to stay the same. So nothing is going to change, really...except the knowledge that I will have that he doesn't love me in that way. Sometimes I think he does, and we've had a few unfinished and somewhat vague conversations about it, but I do feel like pretty soon it's all going to be out there on the table. He knows it's hurting me, and I think he knows exactly what it is. Time will take care of it. I just hope it's soon, because my poor heart is overloaded right now.

Tiredly,
Mz Bowailey (once removed)

Monday, April 06, 2009

So Far So Good

This is me and my kitty Willie. I forced him to take a picture with me the other day because we haven't had a picture taken together for a while. Plus, he was being very cuddly.

Things are still going well with me. I am paying bills, cleaning house, eating right and doing my best to be happy. When I look in the mirror, I'm starting to like what I see. Right now my disenchantment is with my job. I've been there for about 14 months, and what a 14 months it has been. Some days I just don't know if I can take being talked down to for one more minute.

This job is so quirky. We have our regulars that we see every day, our white trash hillbillies, our droves of senior citizens, our ghetto folk. Most of the time everyone I wait on is very nice and I don't let customer behavior get to me too much. But there are some days when it seems like you have the same thing over and over again...people will order the same menu item all fucking day, or you'll accidentally serve seven coffees with lipstick stuck on the cup. If one thing goes wrong, your whole shift could collapse. It can be stressful, but I thrive on it. I love it when it gets so busy that five hours goes by like two. I don't smoke cigarettes anymore so I work the whole shift now instead of spending time smoking. It's good that there are so many positive things I could say about my job, but the bad things are bad. Like, the way management treats us. The way that they preach teamwork to us, but don't lead by example at all. There are competent people in this field but they're being overworked by other management that are overworked as well. It's like the domino effect. No one really gets credit for the work they do and they're afraid to fire people in this day and age so subpar employees keep their jobs and slow the rest of us down. It's total craziness.

But at least I can say that I have bonded with everyone there in some special way. I hang out with them. They're part of my life right now. I don't know about a year from now, but they're important to me now. Someday I will look back on this time in my life as being something other than what I see it as being now.

Tiredly,
Mz Bowailey

Friday, March 27, 2009

This Sucks For Me


Check me out. My hair is so long, just how I wanted it. I'm steadily losing more weight. I should be happy...and I am, actually. There are times, and they are few and far between, when I miss being with Bryan but for the most part I am very comfortable being alone. I am a lot less stressed out and I don't mind sleeping alone, but I do occasionally miss cuddling. Not as much as I thought I would. But I wasn't prepared for these kinds of emotions, the ones I'm experiencing.

I've never been in this situation before. I never, EVER expected to be in this place that I'm at right now. You could say that I am constantly, constantly preoccupied. It causes me constant problems. I fuck shit up at work all day. Then, I get flipped the bird four times in about a three mile radius because I'm fucking up while driving. At home, I sit at the table and stare out the window for an hour at a time. I turn the TV on with the intention of watching something and I zone out to the preview channel instead. I have a sudden passion for Coldplay and listen to them every day. Music is about the only thing I can concentrate on. I can't really talk to anyone here about it really, because we all know the same people and some things have to be kept between only the two people who need to know. I feel so torn because while I am so happy being with this other person, I know that Bryan doesn't know and would never guess about some of the conversations he and I have had. He would never think that I would have the balls to say to this person, "Hey, I think I may be developing feelings for you," and actually have a few conversations about it. He doesn't seem to notice the eye contact that we make, or the way that I smile at him. I never smiled at Bryan that way. He also doesn't know that sometimes I secretly hate him, because I feel that this person's loyalty to him will cause the one I want to be unavailable to me. It fucking scares me to think that because of that loyalty that I may have to give up what I know I will never find again. A connection like this is so rare. I simply don't want anything else. I have been battling these feelings for longer than I will admit to myself, and over the past year, they've had plenty of time to grow. The thought of being without him in any way is terrifying. He is truly the very best friend I've ever had. He truly cares deeply about me and absolutely accepts all my weirdness. He does everything he can to make sure I'm comfortable, stands up for me and at the same time teaches me how to do it for myself. He once ran three miles nonstop to my house after clocking out at work without permission...because I needed him. I do not want to give that up. I'm choking up as I write this. There has only been one person in my life who ever cared about me this much...and that was my first love. I absolutely recognize this feeling, even though it's been 20 years since I've felt it. It's beautiful, and it hurts. It's right smack in my heart. I love the beauty of it, but it's making everything hurt. When I say everything hurts, I mean my heart aches so bad that it makes my body hurt, and no amount of aspirin or even weed will make it go away. It just hurts because I don't know if it can happen, but I know that if it should, it probably will.

I like the little ways we find to touch each other. I'm kind of sure that he's doing it too, finding little subtle ways to make contact with me, but I'm not absolutely certain. I don't really care because I feel like I'm melting when he touches me. If he ever did kiss me I might break down into sobs. I haven't ever felt this closeness with someone in all my adult life, in any of my relationships. This is it, right here. When I catch him staring at me it puts a little jolt into my heart. It can't be that I'm imagining all this? Could I? This from the same person who just snapped and beat the shit out of Bryan one day? Who bluntly told me one day, "I don't think it's a good idea for me to meet your father. I'm sorry." Who I catch looking at me? He admits that I'm pretty close to him, way closer than his ex girlfriend who he was with for about four or five years. I know him very well and I think I surprise him sometimes with it. He knows me just as well and demonstrates it daily. Example: The other night, we went out to eat and got pizza. I asked the server for more pizza sauce, and she brought it. I didn't end up using it, and when we were boxing up the leftovers, he made a comment about how I didn't use it. I said I know, that I didn't need it because I only ate one piece. He then took his fork and scraped some out of the bowl and onto his plate, and I said, "What are you doing? Trying to make it look like we used it so you don't feel bad?" He replied, "No, I'm doing it so YOU won't feel bad," while looking directly at me...because he knows I absolutely WOULD feel bad about making the server go and run and get me something that I didn't even end up using. He rendered me speechless with that one, just because it was so...thoughtful. If he thinks that much about it, shouldn't he love me? I mean, he tells me he loves me, especially when I'm depressed and stuff, but of course he means on a friendly level. All of these things, and I am still not sure.

I don't know if I can believe that I can be this lucky, to have come across something so wonderful and sweet and SO UNEXPECTED. I don't know if I can allow myself to believe that he could feel the same way. When I told him how I felt, it was in a very general way, and he didn't really say too much except to reassure me that it was okay to tell him that, and that it changed nothing. He didn't act horrified, or say that it would never happen, or act weirded out. The eye contact hasn't stopped. Neither has the touching. The touching doesn't happen too often, only when we are passing things to each other or when we're in the car, which makes it a treat when it happens. I am wildly confused about this but if there's one thing I have learned from my mistakes it's that rushing into things is never good and if it's supposed to happen it will, in good time. He accepts the way I feel, evidently, and he doesn't seem uncomfortable with it.

But then there's Bryan. I feel guilty for this. They are friends. Were friends first!! But luckily he is very intelligent and it didn't take him too long to see what Bryan was about. I still feel guilty and wonder how he would take it if I told him. If it came down to it, I WOULD tell him. Right before we moved into our own houses, I made him promise that he would not stand in the way of anything that made me happy, in those words. As I said before, I have been feeling this way for a while, so, as always, I am trying to be prepared.

So this is where I'm at. Confusion, confusion, confusion. But admist all of it is this fun and fabulous feeling. I glow. I smile more, but it comes from within. I get noticed now. It feels good. He just lights me up from the inside. But will I ever know what I want to know? I am used to getting what I want and he is admittedly the most stubborn and loyal person I have ever met, so what is going to happen? I am so scared.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

FULL of Questions


What do you do with yourself when a bad relationship finally ends but before it does you find yourself thinking of someone else? Like, really thinking about that person ALL the time? And what if that person brings joy to your heart so that you always feel safe? What if that person spent most of their time with you? What do you do when the thought of being away from them makes you feel all panicky and...empty? Imagine this person to know everything about you, everything, everything...all the weirdness, the drug use, THE AWFUL CHILDHOOD, (LOL, all of us have one of those), and the abuse from your previous relationship? What if there was nothing that they didn't know about you? Would you feel close to this person? Would you want to be with them a lot? Would it make you feel good if you were? What about the person you were with before? What about their feelings? Does it matter? SHOULD it matter? And can you imagine that first kiss, if it ever happens, with someone who connects with you straight to your heart? I cannot imagine the emotion behind a kiss like that. What do you do when you feel like it's perfectly okay to not be with them physically because you know they're thinking about you so you don't really feel apart at all? What if the thought of touching this person made you feel like you were melting? Is it love? Is it attachment? What is it? I call it beautiful, a dopamine trip, a kick to the heart. I call it stress free. I call it fun. And comfortable. But do you call it love?

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Realizations


This is a pic of me that I took yesterday. My hair is SO SO SO long now that it's becoming something of a challenge to find something to do with it. Since I have to wear it up five days out of the week I'm starting to develop a little bit of neck pain, but cut it off? NO WAY! I'm sure Andy remembers what I looked like with SHORT HAIR. Gross!

So I'm off to work this morning. Yesterday was my first night alone in our new house because Alexa went to spend the night at a friend's house. I thought I might be uncomfortable, but I really wasn't. Actually, I came home from dropping Daniel off, sat down on the couch with the remote, and didn't make it past the Preview Guide because I fell asleep promptly at nine. I don't mind, though, because I slept so well and was awake at 5:30. I used to shudder at getting up that early but I've been on day shift for a year now and I find that I really like the mornings. They're quiet and peaceful. I was probably more tired yesterday than I realized because I spent hours deep cleaning the house yesterday morning. Not that it needed it..but it was preventative cleaning. LOL.

I am really happy right now. Happier and more content and peaceful than I've been in a very long time. I like the peace of mind of only having to worry about me and my kid. I am able to keep my house immaculate (like I like it) without too much work because it's only us. I am saving money, doing more things, and going to bed later. (With the exception of last night.) I smile more and I pay more attention to how I look, because when I feel as if I look good, then I feel better about myself. Two nights ago I went to work at like 10 at night to see Daniel, and I ordered a salad. While I was eating, one of our regular customers (who is REALLY cute in my opinion) came up the counter, sat next to me, talked to me and then actually treated me like a lady and paid for my food. I didn't know what to do, it's been so long since anyone (besides Daniel who is the best friend ever) has done anything like that for me, but it made me feel really good.

I am eating better. I haven't had red meat in about two months. I eat a lot of turkey and chicken and eggs. I don't eat ANY heavy, greasy, or fried foods like I have pretty much my whole life. And I DO feel more energetic, less sleepy, and definitely less heavy. I am losing a few pounds here and there. Sometimes I miss my tacos and burgers and fried food, but that shit really hurts my stomach so I avoid it most of the time. I also don't drink a lot of soda..maybe one every two weeks or so. The rest of the time I drink mostly water and sometimes a glass of cranberry or orange juice. I have more energy overall. Now I just need to dig this treadmill out of the corner and get it to working!

I feel so positive about myself right now. Things are looking good. I'm off to work now!

Happily,
Mz. Bowailey

Friday, February 27, 2009

Madness!

Hey everyone! I am still in the process of re working this site, it's just that things keep coming up that temporarily take priority over this blog. I am working on it.

So, I have moved into my little house. I've been here a week now and I am still putting a few finishing touches on it. It's really very warm and cozy, spacious just for the two of us. The first two or three days that I lived here I really hated it, because I was struck down with some mystery illness which I am quite suspicious was the flu, and I was in pain and I cried miserably for my mommy. I was really afraid that because of that experience, I would be left with that memory when I thought of this as home and I would hate this place...but fortunately that didn't happen. I laid around sick and miserable for a few days, and then finally got around to unpacking the rest of it. Tonight I am finishing up my bedroom and my new home will be complete!

Yesterday I went grocery shopping and filled the cabinets with food. I bought chicken and ground turkey, turkey bacon, salad, spinach, fruits and vegetables, steamed and raw. I bought Cheerios and Shredded Wheat and whole wheat bread. This is keeping in adherence to one of my goals this year, which was to make better food choices and to eat healthier. This is so important to me! I have a lot of stomach problems so I have to be picky about what I put in it unless I want to be uncomfortable and/or in pain. I don't drink soda hardly at all, I mostly drink water. I have lost fourteen more pounds in the last month or so, but I know that a big part of that was being sick.

In a weird way, getting as sick as I did was like a super big ass kick start in the right direction. Being as sick as I was, I couldn't eat hardly at all. I knew better than to starve myself, but for those three days I only ate one bowl of soup each day. I drank as much water as I could and by day three I could drink juice. But by then, my stomach had kind of shrunk so I just continued to eat smaller portions. I cut my usual big breakfast in half. Now I can eat one egg, toast, and a small portion of potatoes and be full. My stomach isn't as irritated because I'm not putting as much in it, which is a nice relief. And the best part of all is that I quit smoking cold turkey, this time for good. I don't know why I ever thought smoking was something I wanted to do. I was so sick coming home from work last Saturday that I smoked a half a cigarette and haven't smoked again after that. I mean, Saturday night I was so miserable I couldn't even think about smoking, and ditto for Sunday. Sunday I felt like I was in hell. I wasn't thinking about cigarettes. By Monday I felt a little better but still not good enough for a cigarette if I had had a craving for one, which I didn't. By Monday night I decided that no matter what I wasn't going to start smoking again. It just seemed ridiculous to go three, four days without smoking and then start up again. So I won't. I do struggle sometimes, especially at work and after eating, but it's not too bad...I just do my best to forget about it and it goes away. I don't really think about it too much. I am starting a new chapter of my life in a new place which means that I am essentially travelling outside my comfort level, so trying new things can't really hurt. And this wasn't something I intended to do, at least not right now. I didn't even put it on my list of goals to accomplish this year because I wasn't sure if I should tackle it. But it came up, and guess what? I surprised myself. Pleasantly.

The first few nights here without Bryan were scary and sad. I cried a lot. I really missed him. The first two nights I slept in my bed and I tossed and turned miserably. On Monday night I slept on my brand new couch, which is actually brand new, and I slept like a fucking baby. I've been sleeping there a lot, but tonight I'm going to try sleeping in my room. It gives me anxiety for some reason, and I am trying to tackle that. Anyway, after the inital sadness of being without Bryan, I began to adjust and you know what? I FEEL FUCKING GREAT! I FEEL FREE. I feel absolutely free to do whatever I want and to be myself and the best part is that I have MONEY in the BANK! It's not a lot at all, but it's enough for me to build the foundation that I want to build. This is in reference to one of my other goals this year, which is to become financially independent and learn how to budget my money much better than I have for the last few years. Honestly, I am doing very well in that department and I feel very blessed that I do not have to live paycheck to paycheck right now. For once, I have a small cushion to fall back on, and it's MY OWN MONEY that I WORKED FOR. I just feel so good. I feel like I am coming out of the dark. I feel strong. I even feel sexy sometimes. I keep surprising myself. I laugh a lot more and I catch myself saying more positive things. It's only been a week and I can feel the burden lifting off of me.

I also did what I said I was going to do and sign up for direct deposit from work. I have been able to hoard two paychecks from the last month, so I mailed those into my bank to be deposited. From now on , that will happen automatically and that money will have to be used for bills. So far, this is working out well.

So now I have to end this because I am tired, and I still have a load of drying to do. I have to work tomorrow, but I plan on posting some pics of my new place. I love it! I am trying out a feng-shui theme, and so far it is working quite well. I have framed Chinese symbols all along the wall in the living room that stand for different things, such as love, happiness, peace, harmony, and wisdom. My couch is in an open space, and I have white candles everywhere, ready to be lit at the first sign of negative energy. The way I have it decorated gives me a sense of peace and accomplishment...because it looks really nice.

Tiredly,
Mz Bowailey

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Step 1

Well, I did it. I didn't think I would but I did. I found a nice, affordable place for just Alexa and I and put the deposit down on it last week. I am waiting for my taxes to get back to me so I can pay my first month and start moving in!

One of my goals this year was to become more organized. I had the last two days off, so I spent them cleaning out all this JUNK that I have accumulated over the years. Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen out and the bathroom pantry. Today I cleaned out the storage room in our garage. It was a mess! I ended up filling up our garbage can and the whole back deck with trash. Junk. Useless papers and stuff that I don't use. But I am forcing myself to get rid of all this SHIT. I have no room for it in my new life!

I am sleeping better. Bryan is now sleeping on the couch so I have my big old bed to myself. Today when I woke up I realized that for once I had absolutely nothing to worry about. It was so refreshing! We all went to breakfast and then I worked in the garage all day. It feels so good to accomplish things.

I found a box of papers that I put aside to go through after I got done cleaning stuff out. I sat down with them and started going through them. It was all my homework from my very first semester of college FIVE YEARS AGO. It doesn't seem that long ago. I started at them for a long time, at the neat little columns of numbers and gibberish. I started thinking about what I was doing five years ago; going to school, working, and going to the gym five days a week. I was happy and positive, for the most part. Suddenly, my heart started to ache, ache badly, for how fast five years have just slipped by. I put my hands on the cool papers and suddenly felt connected to that part of myself. The part of myself that desires an education, that worked so hard for that A+ average and to get on the Presiden't list. I set goals, cleared the obstacles, and worked hard. I don't know if I have the right words exactly to explain how it felt. Like I was touching a part of my soul that hadn't been tapped in a long time...the part that knows how to take care of me.

Bryan and Daniel found an apartment, too...and it's right across the street from work and about 2 miles from me. I'm kind of glad. Even though I don't want to live with Bryan anymore, I kind of want him around just so I know he's going to be okay. As long as he doesn't depend on me anymore, I might actually enjoy being around him. Right now, we work together WAY better than we live together. Anyway, he put the deposit down on a two bedroom for him and Daniel and it's not too bad!

Everyone in this house is excited. We are all looking forward to the next chapter of our lives. And then imagine my joy when I read my outlook for the year. Here it is:

Snake Overview

The Snake has an incredibly favorable year ahead. The year of the Ox provides many opportunities for the Snake to fulfill long awaited career goals and achieve more than he/she ever imagined. Your wisdom and patience are tools that prove successful in all aspects of your life. Relationships could be taken to new heights and deep and meaningful friendships are acquired. This year proves to be one of action, the year that all of your planning and waiting pay off for you. The later months prove to be especially successful, tying a year of arduous work into an extremely blissful culmination.

Snake Rating

79% (10 favorable and 2 neutral months)

Snake Career

Your wisdom proves to be most resourceful this year, particularly in your career endeavors. Colleagues will admire your input and your opinion will be well respected among business circles. Your work will take you to new levels in your career, as you may see a promotion or a position change that offers you a direction that is more suitable to your skills. March, April and May are strong months for a career change or an upswing in your current position. Be prepared for an outstanding year in your work and don't be surprised if everything you do results in success

Snake Relationships

The Snake's social life will bring a high amount of satisfaction to you this year, as will your family life. Though you tend to be more of a loner, this year will provide occasions that may bring you out of your shell. You have always been a good listener and you will benefit from being more assertive in social situations. More to the point, you may be thrown into a position to be more assertive, rather than volunteering. Your quick thinking will prove to be most useful. Single Snakes may find the romantic relationship they seek, as romance is favored.

Snake Health

The Snake will not suffer any more than minor health issues, but you may want to watch what you eat and make it a point to exercise more often, as these may be areas that you tend to neglect. Your busy work schedule and social endeavors may make it difficult to maintain a regular schedule of exercise, but you can find time here and there to do something active. This will help your heart and may relive stress from a long work week.

Snake Wealth

The Snake will do well with your conservative approach to spending. You have always been disciplined in your finances and this year proves to be no different. If you maintain your frugal manner, you will find that you have accumulated enough by the end of the year to make a large purchase that you have been planning for a long time. If you are in doubt about a particular endeavor, don't hesitate to receive a second opinion before committing.

How's that for accurate?

Excitedly,
Mz Bowailey

Thursday, January 01, 2009

My PLANS for This Year!


Me and Lynn...at the bar...in October. I think we were singing a Prince song. Ha!

Here are my plans for this year. I am documenting this as a way of reminding myself to stick to my goals, no matter how many times I may get distracted by other shit. I am NOT calling them resolutions. That's too much pressure for me. These are simply PLANS:

1.) Find and rent a nice, clean place in this same area. Without Bryan.

2.) Enroll in the Medical Transcription program, which begins in August and takes one year to complete, according to the catalog.

3.) Arrange my schedule and manage my time appropriately so that I may take the maximum number of classes I can and still work at least four days a week.

4.) Completely reorganize my life. I need to go through every nook and cranny of this house and organize all the things I want to keep and toss the things I don't. This will take a while.

5.) Pay my bills on time. This is part of being organized. I know that when I finally live alone, I will be able to get and STAY organized because no one else will be fucking up my stuff.

6.) Make better food choices. Instead of eating out, which is clean and fast but not cheap or good, I plan to cook more at home.

7.) Learn how to cook a wider variety of meals. I am going to take the foods I love and learn how to make healthier dinners with them. For instance, I LOVE grilled chicken, steamed veggies, and seasoned rice but I only know how to make it one way. I'd learn to love how to make curry chicken. I just need more cooking experience, overall.

8.) Take an actual vacation this year. Bryan, Daniel, and I are planning a trip this summer but we're not sure where we will go. We're thinking maybe Vegas. This will be sometime toward the end of summer, before Alexa starts school again and before the holidays so that we can all get the time off of work.

9.) I am going to be more honest with people regarding how I feel about them. Whenever I do that, I find that I feel better about myself as a person.

10.) I will absolutely stay true to the way that I dictate my life. Meaning that I will not adjust my living style or attitude toward things to appease someone else. I am constantly adjusting myself to others so that there is a comfort level, but once I move, I have my OWN space and I will not let anyone else run over me. I will stay true to myself and learn how to love myself again.

11.) Make time for me. I need some time for myself. With this I would like to do a little more exercise. With all the money I'll be saving by not living in this place, I would like to buy a Wii Fit and try that. I would also like to walk, which is my favorite exercise next to swimming. I need to take a few hours a week and try to lose some of this gut and FEEL better.

12.) Write more. With all the extra privacy I'll have, I absolutely intend to do more writing. I have several unfinished works in progress that need some attention. Maybe I'll even be able to get something published! But even if I don't, I will still feel great because I have accomplished that goal.

With those things in mind, I am approaching 2009 not with the usual trepidation and fear but with enthusiasm and excitement. I absolutely cannot wait to see what this year holds for all of us.