The Disappearing Act

The last few days have been pretty fun. I had Alexa and her friend Mollie at my house and even though they once again ate all my food and drank all my soda and stayed up all night giggling, we had fun.

This morning when I woke up I called Bryan to see if he had plans for tonight. He had said he might play poker with his best friend, which he usually does two or three times a week. I replied, "Well, do you got any money for me?" to which he got pissed off and hung up on me. I didn't get mad, but I sat there and thought about that for a minute. I do everything for this boy..loan him money when he needs it, I do his damn laundry, buy him clothes, make sure he gets fed, pay for his haircuts, help his family with their needs, and drive him everywhere he needs to go. Basically, my life has been revolving around Bryan's wants and needs and today I decided I had had enough. So, I got up, took a shower, packed a bag, and called my sister in Illinois and informed her that I was coming to visit. Then I brought the girls back home. I am printing out directions right now. I am not going to tell Bryan where I am or what I'm doing. That drives him nuts anyways, and if he can't get a hold of me for three whole days, he might just get a taste of what life without me would be like. Maybe he'll think about that the next time he decides to hang up on me. When he called me back a little later, I said to him very calmly, "Please don't hang up on me again. That is very rude and you know I don't like it. Not to mention that I didn't deserve it, and I don't treat you like that. So please don't do it again." He put on his innocent happy voice and said that he hung up like that because his boss was coming. I know better, but I am not going to push it. He will learn this weekend when I am not at his beck and call that he cannot take me for granted. I have allowed that to happen and now I have to fix it. No biggie. This ought to be an easy lesson to teach, since he is still basically an ADOLESCENT.

Other than that, I am in a pretty good mood. I havem y good days and my bad days. There are days, especially when Bryan is not around me, when reality seeps in a bit and I start panicking about what I'm doing. I think about Shawn a lot sometimes and it can be a challenge, not coming out here to spend time with him when I want to, but I don't because it could be misleading. Some days, like I said, are better than others.

So there is my update. To my cousin Andyro who donated TEN INCHES of her long and beautiful hair to children who need wigs due to hair loss from cancer...you are an ANGEL. I think that was a wonderful thing to do. God will bless you MANY TIMES OVER for such an unselfish act. I love you!!!

Eye Candy

Here are some pictures I took last night while hanging out with Mike and Kristy. This right here is Bryan's drunk face. He looks like he's mean, but really he's not. I think he's cute.
Me and my brother Mike. I love this dude. We're both Tauruses..I am May 18 and he is May 20.
Me and Kristy. She doesn't really drink, but Bryan made her hold his beer so she would fit in. LOL
Here are Mike and Bryan, posing. Remember, folks, Bryan is still a baby and this IS Flint town.

Update

I haven't had much time to update because I haven't really been out here lately. Everything is going well. I am still looking for part time work and conserving what little money I do have, and spending time with real friends and trying to enjoy myself. I kept Alexa and her friend over at the apartment for a few days...that was fun. They went swimming, we went bowling, we pigged out on junk food and watched movies. They pigged out so much I had no food left! That's okay, though.

I had kind of a bad few days due to extreme pre menstrual syndrome. I am not kidding. I get PMS really bad, especially the hormonal part. (Talk about hormonal ragfaces. That title belongs to me.) I really flipped out the other day because I was low on cash and needed cigarettes, so I called my friend Kristy and asked her if she would let me borrow $5 for a pack. She said sure..she just needed a ride to the store because she was low on gas and needed to cash a check. So I headed out to her house, only to have Bryan call me ten minutes later and tell me he was on his way to her house, too, because her and Mike owed him some money. Well, for some irrational reason this REALLY pissed me off. I started screaming at him to stay out of my business. He kept trying to explain that he wanted me to pick him up at his house and take him over to their house with me, but I wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise. I was absolutely furious for NO discernible reason. I told him to fuck off and die a few times and turned my car around and went back to my apartment. We sat on the phone arguing, both of us calling Kristy at different times to say fuck it, we weren't coming. She was just bewildered and confused, poor girl. Then when I finally did pick him up, we went back to my apartment and fought some more because as soon as I picked him up and started driving toward Grand Blanc, he said, "I'm going to spend the night at home tonight. I just thought I would tell you now." I said, "Well, that's real nice," and got furious all over again. The fight spilled out into the parking lot, where I told him I fucking "hated" his guts. I said some other things I won't mention, too, that I feel really bad about. He ended up calling Kristy and Mike and asking them to come and get him, which they did. He had to wait for them to arrive, and while he did, we fought some more. He ended up ripping a brand new shirt I just bought him that he had never worn before that day. Just ripped it right off of himself because I told him to take it off, and when he refused, I threatened to rip it off of him. (Like I really would.) After I said that, he looked me right in the eye and ripped it off himself. I couldn't believe my eyes.

After Kristy picked him up, I told him to never call me again...and ten minutes later I was calling him and apologizing for some of the mean things I said. We talked a little bit and then I drove back out to Flint to pick him up. We went to his house, where we sat in the driveway and started fighting again. I ended up peeling out of his driveway like an asshole and coming out to Fenton, where he called me and we argued some more. We argued ourselves out and hung up. Ten minutes later, he called me back and asked me to meet him at a gas station close to his house so he could give me some money. He said, "I know you're stressed out because you don't have any money. My mom just gave me some money to give to you, and I want you to have it." I couldn't turn that down, so I met him at the gas station, got my money, made up, and then went back home alone and tried to chill out. It's been a long time since I felt that nuts. I just wanted to GO THE FUCK OFF....for NO reason.

Yesterday was nice. He worked the day shift, and afterwards we went out to dinner with his mom. When she walked out to the car, she leaned in my side and said, "If you guys are gonna start fighting again, I wanna let you know right now I'll walk home." She was dead serious. I assured her that was not going to happen and we had a pleasant dinner. Then we came out here to Fenton and hung out with Alexa for a while. She was loving me because I brought her some McDonald's. I burned a few CD's (like I'm doing now) and then we went to Mike and Kristy's. We bought some beer, and I drank a few, but I just wasn't in the mood to drink so I ended up staying stone cold sober. (I'm not complaining. I still had a good time.) Bryan very rarely gets drunk, but last night he had a nice little beer buzz...nothing major. We played spades in teams and gambled for money for a few hours, and then went home. I was so tired I was sure I would pass right out, but Bryan and I stayed up until past eight in the morning talking and cuddling. I love that....it seems like even though we act like lunatics sometimes, we still just get closer and closer and stronger and stronger. Matter of fact, last night, when we were leaving Mike and Kristy's, Mike's cousin Phil kept trying to get us to stay and play "one more game". Bryan was like, "No, I promised her we would go home a long time ago, and she's been waiting, so we're just going to go home." Phil kept trying for a few minutes, and then he laughed, put his cards down, looked at Mike, and in all seriousness said, "Damn, Mike, Bryan in love, ain't he?" Mike started laughing, Kristy looked at me with a knowing smile and a look, and Bryan and I pretended we didn't hear, even when Phil said, "Damn, Bryan, you in love, ain't you? Ain't you?" That makes me feel so good.

On a humorous note, today, when we were leaving the apartment, some guy walked up to my car and said, "See? You really don't hate his fucking guts after all. I'm glad to see you guys back together," and walked away. Evidently, it was one of my neighbors who witnessed all the brouhaha outside the other day. Talk about EMBARASSED.

More Scenes From a Bar and Other Retarded Things

Me and Bryan at the bar. He was talking to his drunk sister on the phone when we had to hurry up and take this picture because the batteries on the camera were about to die. I think Bryan looks kind of like a freak in this picture. His eyes are too big and his smile is too wide. It kind of freaks me out, but he's still cute. (He kinda looks like one of those mechanical monkeys that bang cymbals together. You know what I'm talking about? That's what his face reminds me of.)
My good friends Kristi and Mike. They've been together forever, and they've been there for me a lot lately. Mike is like my brother. Him and Bryan have been friends since they were little kids.

I don't have much time to update but I thought I would put some new pictures on here. Everything is going great, I love my new apartment...I just need to go grocery shopping. Bryan and I are getting along wonderfully, better than ever before, and I truly think we are getting closer. I am looking for a part time job, something to keep me busy before school starts. My life feels like it's getting back on track in many different ways...I am very, very happy right now.

Moving Day

Well, I moved into my apartment yesterday. I spent most of the night at a friend's house and didn't get back there until after 4 AM, but when I woke up this morning, I laid down on the couch and sat and thought about how cozy it was in there. I still have to unpack, though, and there are a few things from here that I need to pick up still. I don't know how much I'll be able to update my blog, because I am not going to take the computer yet. If I could actually find a tower that works, I would just as soon have that than unhook this one and transport it to the apartment. I already have speakers, a keyboard, and a monitor. I just need the "brains" and I would be good to go.

I find myself feeling a little sad today. I want people to understand that even though I don't want to be married to Shawn anymore, I still love him very much and I know that me leaving is hurting him more than I could even imagine. The thought of hurting Shawn hurts me so bad that I usually just block it out. Today, though, reality is setting in.....because I don't live in this house anymore. Tonight, when I am alone in my apartment (well, except for Alexa) I am sure I will have plenty of time to think about him and how he's feeling. I know that he misses me and wishes things weren't this way, and sometimes it's really hard for me too. But I know this is what I need to do for both of us to be independent. Shawn has never lived on his own or been his own person so now he can. And as for me, well, life will be interesting without him around for me to depend on.

Today, I plan to go to the store and pick up a few things for a small pot of spaghetti. When we go back to the apartment, I'm going to unpack while dinner is cooking, and when it's done, I want to sit back, relax, and watch a movie or something. My life has been a whirlwind of very late nights and very little sleep or relaxation time. Tonight, I want to slow it down---hit the pause button, if you will---and take some time for reflection and self searching. I need it.

Hater Out Of The Woodwork

Today I checked my mail, having not done that for a while, and in there I found a comment that was placed on my blog on June 29th. I didn't know it had been made because it was made on an entry from APRIL. Serra, who used to be referred to in my blog as "Ashley", had this to say:


"Take my babies pictures off your stupid blog. you said in your letter that you didn't have a niece anyway. i want them off or i will take legal action, you do not have my permission."

--
Posted by Serra to Is This Just a Fat Chick Thing? at 6/29/2006 02:04:40 AM

She knew they were there. I showed them to her when she got home from the hospital. But I do think that it's funny that she would even look at my blog. Why? Maybe she was bored and wondering what I was up to. Maybe she felt like being mean. Who knows? But it IS funny.

What I find most ironic about the statement she made, in a public forum nontheless, is that I said I didn't have a niece anymore. Actually, I received a nasty letter from her right after her and Ricky moved back to Florida, telling to me to "forget" I had a niece. So I shot off a nasty letter back to her and agreed to forget it. Perhaps she forgot what she said, but I can scan the letter and post it if I have to. But I don't think anyone really cares that much. I really don't. I am so happy right now....I must erase all negativity from my life and put it back to good.

I'm going to be pretty busy today, After I take Bryan to work, I'm going to my grandma's to pick up some paperwork, and then going to drop off some CD's that I made for my friend Kristy. Then I'm going over to another's friend's house and inviting her out to lunch since her birthday is tomorrow and I doubt I'll have much time to spend with her. After Bryan gets out of work, I have to come straight home because I have to be up early tomorrow. Move in day! YAY! I love new beginnings and this is a BIG ONE. But I swear to God, if my dad says the word "hormone" to me one more time, I'm gonna snap....lol.

I'm off!

*Hey Serra, if you do still read this, tell Ricky nothing's changed, he's still my brother, I love him still and if and when he ever comes back up to Michigan and wants to see me, I'll be here! Same goes for you if you want to act like a human being because sometimes I do miss both of you!

Ha ha ha!

I have changed my music on my page, as some of you can see. I KNOW the haters are LOVING to HATE this song! Ooops! So sorry!

I won't get into details, but I had the most WONDERFUL night last night, minus a couple of skirmishes that could have ruined the night but didn't. It is so nice to be around people who appreciate me and truly care about me. I have found some real friends...and it feels good. I keep mentally hugging myself and smiling to myself and staring off into space because...I just feel so DAMN GOOD!

On another good note, I finally found an apartment! My official move in date is Monday but I don't know if I will actually MOVE IN on Monday because I need a few things...like, uh, a bed...and a couch...LOL. YES I AM MOVING IN ALONE!!! (Don't leave me comments asking me about Alexa, either, please...it's all good.) My apartment is clean and tidy, yet small, but close to Fenton and Flint. I am so looking forward to having a shower that WORKS and doesn't turn everything YELLOW. I can't wait to be able to BE ALONE when I want to. It's only temporary until Shawn can save up enough money to move out of this house, and then I'll move back in. Most of my stuff will still be here, but I so desperately need this apartment. It's in a really nice complex and my apartment is right across from the pool! It has a fitness club, swimming pool (duh) and tennis courts. As soon as I get settled in, I PROMISE I am going to get right back into my diet and exercise routine. Bryan and I were talking last night about how bad I feel sometimes about my life..certain parts of my life that I feel are out of control. (Don't worry, no drugs.) He told me that he is 100 percent certain that once I move, everything else will flow smoothly. It's nice to have his vote of confidence and his optimism. I feel pretty good too. Actually, I feel great, for not getting much sleep. I could not be happier than I am at this moment.

Here is my horoscope for today. Mind blowingly accurate, considering what happened last night.

TAURUS

Quickie:
A fog will clear and someone's true identity will finally be revealed to you.

Overview:
Fresh astrological influences renew your confidence. Someone special sees your full potential. You'd do well to listen and fully process what they're telling you. Some advice might be pretty on the mark.

Yawn

This is what I looked like today. I am so happy that my hair is FINALLY growing back. I will NEVER cut it off again! I don't know why the picture is SO shitty looking.

I just read the comments from my cousins about how my journal is so fascinating. I think that's great! Maybe other people will feel better about themselves after they read my stories. LOL!

I got up this morning and was in a great mood. I am tired, overwrought, drained , but I am happy. I took Bryan to work and then came back home to conduct some business I've been neglecting, such as looking for an apartment and calling Chrysler to make an appointment to take my car in for some work. I will feel so much better if I get some stuff done today. Then, I am going to Lynn's work...she's a property manager at an apartment complex close to here...and filling out an application for residency there.

Moving out is a smart decision, trust me. I am only going to be a few miles from here anyway, and it's only temporary...until Shawn gets up enough money to move out on HIS own. In the meantime, I cannot sit here in this house. I just can't do it. There's too much going on. This is my marital home and I cannot possibly share it with anyone else. Shawn is still very much here, and even though I don't mind it, some people (ahem) do. What's the phrase I am looking for? "Big bone of contention" comes to mind although I may be thinking of something else. Hmmm.

I can't wait to get into my own place. Everyone thinks that Bryan will be living with me in a matter of days. WRONG! Don't mistake my affection for him as THAT desperate. I NEED my time alone. Sure, he'll be around, but living with me? NOT RIGHT NOW. And besides, he can't get away from his family that easily, even if he wanted to, which he doesn't.

Here is my horoscope for today:

Quickie:
You may not realize it, but you're immersed in the middle of a power struggle now.

Overview:
Aren't you sick of playing it safe? Dare to dream. It's time to dive into a new project or line of work. The risks are great, but so are the payoffs. Try applying this attitude when it comes to romance too.

I realize I am in the middle of a power struggle. Bryan and I are always struggling for power. It's crazy, because he's supposed to be this laid back Libra personality and that's what he claims he is, but really he just talks in his own fucking language and expects me to understand his gibberish. Then he likes to twist things around so badly that I end up feeling like I am the one who said something wrong, when it was really the other way around. And then when I get frustrated and start raising my voice about how he tricked me into thinking I was the one who was wrong, he says, "Don't yell at me, I'm a Libra." SO? SO FUCKING WHAT?

I got something to say to you Libras. I have had experiences with them a lot lately, not just Bryan, and you guys are the nosiest fuckers around. You have to know everything about everyone else's business. Then you use that "I'm a laid back, kicked back, go with the flow Libra" bullshit to make other people feel like they're the ones who are crazy when it's actually YOU pulling all the strings. You fuckers are deviant and sneaky....and I will find a way to outsmart you yet!!!

Yesterday, I was pissy all day for the usual reasons. When Bryan and I spend the night together, I always look forward to a little bit of luvins. I don't necessarily mean sex, either, although that's nice and all, but I like kisses and cuddling too. I just get sick of always having to initiate it even though Mr. Bryan is a GROWN MAN and should WANT to initiate contact with me even though he RARELY does. Well, the other night we spent the night together and he came to bed after me...and didn't even cuddle with me! I had to cuddle with him. But anyway, I woke up MAD because WHY should I have to be the one to initiate it? That's bullshit! So I pouted all day. This is not the first time we have faced this issue. He noticed I was upset about something and asked me what it was. I explained it to him like I just did in this paragraph. Then, he looked up our horoscopes for yesterday and this is what they said:

LIBRA

Quickie:
Patience is a virtue that you will need to become best friends with -- for a while.

Overview:
Aren't you tired of the same stuff appearing in different ways? (This goes for types of people who constantly reoccur in your life.) It's time to get a handle on why this keeps happening to you. Take responsibility for it.

He started chuckling when he read this and saying, "Damn, read this Sondra, read this." Finally I read it and told him to check mine out. Mine said:

TAURUS

Quickie:
Relationships require give and take. You've given enough for now -- it's their turn.

Overview:
Get in touch with people from an old part of your life. Learning from the past helps you with the present. If you've fully absorbed this lesson, you're ready to make growth-oriented decisions about the future.

After I stopped laughing, I looked at him and said, "Enough said."

So this is day one of my stand. I WILL NOT INITIATE CONTACT WITH HIM AT ALL. He always hugs me when I leave him, like when I take him to work or drop him off at home, so that doesn't count. I'm talking about all the other goodies...kisses, cuddling, holding hands, and yes, even SEX. (The way I usually approach the sex thing is to get really, really drunk. Then I am all over him and he is all over me and neither one of us is uptight about it. But I am sick of drinking and usually we fight afterwards anyway. It's not worth it.)

We fight about the dumbest things. The DUMBEST things. And when I say fight, I should clarify that we only FIGHT when there is alcohol involved. If we are sober, then usually it's a heated debate, or discussion. He always tells me I am "counterjudging" myself. Do you know how frustrating this is? Do you know how many times I have gently told him, "You mean contradict myself." He says, "NO, counterjudging yourself," and even though I know this makes no logical sense I don't try to correct him any further. But if I hear that phrase ONE MORE TIME...

I could go on and on about the stupid things we argue about. STUPID. But the main fact is that I enjoy his company and we enjoy each other. We do have a lot of fun together, whether we're playing cards with his friends, hanging out with his family, or taking Alexa to Playland to ride go carts. Matter of fact, in one of my last entries, I wrote about how sad he was that he was putting distance between us. The next day when I saw him, I told him that it made me sad. He said, "I NEVER said I wanted to put distance between us. I just said I wanted to come home and stay home for a few days." DOESN'T THAT MEAN HE WANTS TO PUT DISTANCE BETWEEN US? AM I GOING CRAZY?

All right, I'm off to take care of business....

Damn, I'm not writing a book!

I just woke up, as I didn't fall asleep until after 4 in the morning.

I feel like my life is upside down. There are things that are going on that I wish were not happening, but mostly it's okay. (Sometimes I wonder if I can't function without drama. )

I have never been in this position before. I usually handle my business in life diplomatically, and right now I am not being fair to anyone. That's what makes it hard for me to sleep. I never dreamed in a million years that I would ever be in the position I am in now. My previous self was just too responsible and fair to be in this situation.

If someone would have told me when I first started writing in this journal that I would not only meet but fall crazy in love with someone else besides my husband, let alone someone almost SEVEN YEARS YOUNGER than me, I would have laughed them off the block. But this is the reality of things.

****NEXT DAY, THURSDAY***

I started writing the above entry yesterday but had to postpone it because I was running late. Every thing else still stands. Sometimes I don't like the choices I'm making. I'm not being the most responsible person right now. I REALLY need to get back to the gym, get back into a routine of some kind. Not having a routine is damaging my psyche. I am the kind of person who NEEDS a routine. I don't feel very productive right now at all. I made a resolution to myself that I would get back into some kind of routine by next week, even if that means just going to the gym in the mornings and getting some exercise. It is really important to me to lose weight, now more than ever. How am I supposed to keep the attention of a younger guy if I am a big fat slob? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, if he loves me it shouldn't matter, blah blah blah, but the reality of it is is that he can love me all he wants to, he is still a guy..and a YOUNG one at that. I'm not being negative, I am being realistic. I think I will feel SO much better if I did it.

What's really amusing to me is that six months ago, I would have scoffed at Top 40 music. Now, I know every song on this one radio station I am always forced to listen to, called Club 93.7. (It's out of Flint, Michigan and you can listen to it online for free if you're interested.) I'm listening to it right now and poor Shawn is across the room in bed trying to sleep and trying NOT to giggle.

One of my very dear and closest and oldest friends is apparently going through some kind of crisis so it's my turn to be supportive. I am looking forward to it! Someone besides me is having love problems...actually, mine's not a problem...it's a fucking affliction.

God help us all!

Fuck a Title

I'm going to get to the point. I am so depressed right now that I can't even think straight. All I want to do is sleep but I also don't want to be at home. I am overly exhausted and completely maxxed out emotionally. I feel like a big part of me is missing and broken.

When things get bad for me, I have a tendency to run. That's why I have lived in a couple of different states. I am so bad at letting go that I have to actually put myself, forcibly, in a position that allows for no other choice than to let go. Right now, at this moment, that is how I feel. I know I need to let go...I've said it in other entries...but for some reason, my heart isn't ready. I think I am waiting to see what happens. There is a part of me that feels that someday I may feel complete, but there is also a part of me that feels as if I am wasting my time. There are so many factors at stake in my relationship with Bryan, mostly the age difference and my insecurity about my weight. One of the biggest factors is other people's opinions, which keep getting in the way. I don't like some of the things I hear from people who are acquainted with him. Not his friends, but like the people he works with. When asked if he and I are dating, I've been told that he claims we are just friends...which is actually okay since I like for things to be my business ONLY...but I have also heard that he emphatically denies any romantic or intimate attachment between us. Now, that makes me feel as if he is ashamed of me, which only reinforces the whole fat/insecurity thing, which causes me to drink and then lash out in anger. It's not a fun cycle, and it's gotten worse. Bryan decided a few days ago that he would put some distance between us, which is not a bad thing. Not at all and actually it was a pretty mature thing for him to do. But I feel like part of me is missing when he's not around...he's been with me nonstop for quite some time...and I miss him. I'm proud of some of the decisions he makes. While they may not necessarily be grounded in experience, they are at least grounded in common sense and that proves to me that even though he may not always understand every big word I use, he is still a smart little guy who just happens to read me very well.

I just hurt all over. My body hurts but I am heartsick as well, which is worse. I wish I could turn back the time to my last entry and make what happened the other night not happen at all. That's obviously not possible, but I also wish I could sleep next to him tonight. I miss rolling over and seeing his curly head poking out from underneath the covers. It's probably a good thing that we are not going to be spending as much time together for a couple of weeks, because I was getting very attached to him and it's simply not time for that yet. Our bond will not go away, but things have changed a little bit.

I'm going to go to bed now. I am so, so exhausted.