New Year's and Pictures!

Me at the airport in Flint, sick as a dog and excited to get home and see my family.
Me and Montana, who thinks I am her real mom. I don't think she knows she is a cat.
The moon and stars tat on my neck that is almost three years old now, but I love it.
Me and Alexa....I swear I look like my dad with makeup on.
Montana and Bryan...awwwwwwww.
The face that I love!

Me working on something. I don't like how fat my arms look in this pic!
Daniel again....not sure what's going on here!
Alexa, who is growing up way faster than I thought she would. Where is my toddler???!!!
Daniel on Alexa's birthday.


Taken on the east side of Flint in October when I visited Michigan. I thought this was TOO funny.





I hate new Year's. New Year's Eve is a terrible holiday. At least I don't have to worry about it too much tonight since I have to work tomorrow morning. I am really looking forward to starting fresh.

Bryan and I are getting our own seperate places come tax time. I am sick of living with other people. I am sick of worrying about everyone else and putting myself last. I am tired of paying all this expensive rent that none of us can afford. For years, I have had champagne taste on a beer budget. This time, I am doing something that I can afford and the only people that I will have to worry about is me and Alexa. I don't care if I live in a trailer, as long as it's affordable and clean.

This has been the year of me coming to terms with a lot of things about myself. Just trying to accept myself has been a challenge, but I think I'm making progress. It has been years and years since I've been independent, financially AND emotionally. I am making 2009 all about me. I have finally learned the value of hard work and independence. I don't WANT a relationship or feelings or anything extraneous like that interfering with my plans for this year. I need ALONE time. All I want to do is work, pay my bills, and work toward becoming even more independent by finishing school. I really need to; I can't wait tables forever. I love my job but it's barely enough to support myself so I have to find something else to do. Not only that, but I am really going to try and pursue a career that I can take with me anywhere I go, since I still have wanderlust....but at least I'll be able to support myself anywhere I go.

Bryan and I are still together, still going strong, but realistically, he has never lived on his own and I haven't lived alone for over five years. We both need this. It will either make or break our relationship I guess, but neither one of us are stressing it, really. This is just something that we need to do. If we don't make it, we don't make it but if we do then he's going to be forced to make some kind of commitment to me. Not marriage, because I don't think I want to do that again, but something. I guess we'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it. Not that important right now.

2008 brought someone special into ALL our lives. In March, a friend of ours needed a temporary place to stay so I rented him our third bedroom. He is still here and has become an absolutely integral part of our family. When we move, him and Bryan will get a place together. His name is Daniel and he is probably the closest person to me down here. We got close about three weeks after he moved in, when I got him a job at my restaurant. We ended up on the same shift and just became very good friends over the months. We all love him, he's very smart and a good person with a good heart, a hard worker, very responsible (did I mention clean?) and carries with him a special persona that I don't think anyone else could get away with. I intend to know Daniel for the rest of my life...and I know Bryan feels the same way. His friendship and common sense is carrying me through this time that I have to spend in Pensacola. Right now I miss him a lot because he is visiting his family in Washington for the holidays.

Tonight, I will probably make dinner and everything but I don't think I'll stay up til midnight. I have to work in the morning anyway. This is always an emotional holiday for me. But at least this year I have made some actual concrete plans that will take shape sometime in February probably.

This is what 2009 means to me:
7 years since I lost Heather to a heroin overdose. It seems like longer.
9 years since one of my closest friends, Tom, died in a tragic accident.
3 years for me and Bryan.
28 years since my mother died.
2.5 years since I quit binging on drugs.
1 year since I've drank. (This is not a hard one.)
2 years that I've been in Florida. (Already!)

Happy New Year to everyone! Here are some pics.....

December Ramblings

This is me and my BFF, Lynn. I went to Michigan and visited everyone last month and that included a trip out to the bar with my friends. I absolutely don't drink alcohol anymore, so while everyone was living it up, I sat and drank cup after cup of coffee and enjoyed being social for the first time in almost two years.

Living here in Pensacola, I don't get out much. I work a lot and pay my bills and everything is extremely normal, but I just don't go anywhere. I don't want to. I have wondered if maybe I have fallen into some kind of depresssion, but I really don't think that's it. I think I am just bored. I miss my Michigan friends a lot. It's hard for me to make friends and bond with new people because I don't trust anyone. It takes a long time for someone to earn my trust. I don't want to experience the inevitable feelings of hurt and betrayal that come along with someone violating your trust, so I just stick to the friends and family that I know. I don't get much alone time and it makes me long for the times when I did live alone. I feel kind of lost lately. I have a lot of medical problems right now and I don't really have anyone to confide in. So even though I have people around me all the time, I feel more lonely than I have in a long time. I miss Lynn like there's no tomorrow, and my grandma, even Flint. The culture here is so different than what I'm used to. I didn't factor that in before I ran away from my problems in Flint, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I needed to get out of Flint. It's a ghost town.

So I feel kind of lonely and kind of lost. I long for someone to connect with emotionally, but given my current situation, I am stuck. It's okay, though. I remain optimistic.

Blah Blah Blah

My life is SO fucking boring. I was reading through some of my entries from like, two years ago, and my life is really dull compared to what it used to be. I hardly ever leave home, except to go to work. Then sometimes I go grocery shopping. It's not that I don't want to go out and do stuff; it's just that there really is nothing to do and no one to do it with. I have friends but they all have smaller kids than me so going out and doing stuff usually requires a lot of bullshit, so I just avoid it altogether. Honestly, I don't think I will ever be as active as I was when I was living back in Fenton. All my friends and family are there and it's never a dull moment. Here, every moment is dull.

At least my job is interesting. I've been there almost eight months. It's not really my dream job, but it sure is entertaining. That should tell you how boring it is here. I know that when I look back at this phase of my life I will laugh at how much my life is centered around my job. I love working with all these different personalities. I love being able to have a job where I can tell my co workers to fuck off with no ramifications. (And I have.) I like being in an environment where I am encouraged to be myself, rather than sucking up to corporate assholes, which I only have to do occasionally. I do it well.

There is always some kind of drama going on. I love drama as long as it's not centered around me...I hate that shit but I am a bit of a gossip hound. I know who's fighting with their spouse, I know who's banging the manager, etc. I swear to God I only go to work to see what happens next. Never, ever a dull moment. And I really enjoy having regular customers who know me and know about certain aspects of my life; it appeals to my Taurus side to have such a routine. I am good at what I do and I like it; I am more physically active now than I ever have been. Now if only I could motivate myself to stay active AFTER work. I also meet some very interesting people who make me wish I was single and easily available, but my luck is not that good! LOL!

The truth is, I can't pay my bills, but I never stop working. I pay what I can and move on to the next priority. I've had my car repossessed. (I never got it back because I couldn't afford that payment, anyway.) I bought an OLD beater truck that I love and it gets me to work every day. I have my roof over my head, even if barely, but I still manage. Now, I suffer from all kinds of stress related maladies: heartburn, headaches, even really bad carpal tunnel syndrome. I pop my dollar store acid reducer or the ibuprofen I stole from the break room at work and then I move on. Fuck it. I'm not going to die if shit doesn't go my way. Period. I think this is what being in your thirties is all about: Starting to realize that some shit is important and some shit isn't. Being able to tell the difference is what makes you mature.

Reflectively,
Mz. Bowailey

Ramblings On

So. It has been a LONG time since I've actually put any time into writing in this. It seems such a shame to abandon it after all this time. This blog has carried me through my marriage, my relationship with my husband and then with Bryan, my move to Florida and subsequent job changes...it has really followed my life through some amazing times. There's no way I can click on the "delete" button. And erase all the memories, good and bad, that make me who I am today?

Today, I am a strong person. And wow, do I feel a lot smarter than I did a few years ago. My sense of self is still the same, but it just seems so clear to me that half the shit that happens to you in life is really NOT important. Funny, but true. I remember freaking out over anything and everything. I thought the end of the world was near in damn near every situation. Now, I'm just like....chill. When it comes to people, anyway, I am very laid back. I don't worry about how people will perceive me anymore. I don't care if someone does something wrong to me; that just shows me not to invest any more in that person. A few years ago I would have tried to save the world by investing myself and my time into trying to change someone, but now, I just accept people for their differences. And if I can deal with their differences, then I let them into my life. If I can't, well, then, I treat them with courtesy and respect and let them go their own way. My motto now is let it go. It really works.

I work with such a myriad of personalities, all with their own set of problems and indiosyncracies, that I can pretty much adjust to any situation. Not to mention that I deal with customers ALL DAY LONG, and I do adjust my attitude and personality in order to serve them better. It suits me well because I make good money, and more than that, I get a lot of compliments. Some days are better than others. Some days I just want to stay away from people and all they offer, but it's hard to stick to that.

Bryan and I are still chugging along. We are slowly but surely planning our next move, which will be back up to the Midwest somewhere. I am currently house hunting in Southwest Ohio, but much remains to be seen regarding the future. However, I miss the seasons badly. Fall, with the lush and brilliant colors, and winter, with its biting, yet crystal fresh wind. And then the anticipation of spring.....I just miss it all. I am not a Florida girl and I know now that I never will be.

Bryan and I are working, actually at the same place but different shifts, and all is well. We are maintaining a home and paying our bills...just barely it seems but everyone else is on the same boat as us so we have also learned to adapt. No major issues, no major fighting, certainly no drugs. We are BOR-ING. We work, and we hang out at home. We work some more. We don't go to bars. We don't party. We have nothing to fight about. He pays the rent, I pay the bills. We share the expenses of groceries and gas. Neither one of us ever do anything fun, but the way I see it is that I spent all of 2006 having fun and 2007 was spent trying to stay stable. 2008 has been stable and fine but....oh so boring. I feel married to this man now. Maybe someday, if we ever get the balls. Right now both of us are actually fine with the way it is...except I would really like to change my last name. I still have my ex husband's name, and it's not really fair to me to have to carry it. I feel like a name is everything about a person, and I really want my maiden name back. I can't change it back because the judge forgot to check the box on the petition that says "Allow wife to go back to maiden name" so here I am stuck with it. The only way to get rid of it is to change my last name. Bryan says I can have his last name. I wonder if I'll do it? LOL.

Well, that's it for now. I am going to try and update this more often. In fact, I plan on it. So keep coming back and checking for updates because I'd like to start posting with the same frequency that I did a couple of years ago. This was a nice outlet for me today. Now, I'm off for some herbal refreshment. Ciao!

Lovingly,
Mz. Bowailey

Update

Bryan at work.
Me in the bedroom, experimenting with my phone camera. A lot of these pics are like that.
Cheese!
This T shirt has a big picture of donut spread up against the wall with the cops behind the wall, apparently looking for it...at the bottom of the shirt it says "I'm hiding from the cops"
Daniel and Alexa
Willie in his "Playboy Mansion Security" hoodie. He likes it.
Needs no explanation. Willikers knows how to get himself clean.
This is a pic of me and Alexa's cat, Montana.
Experimenting again, but I don't like how fat I look.

End of the Road.....?

Well, despite my best efforts to keep my life on a positive note, this roller coaster life of mine just will not come to a complete stop. I no longer feel like detailing everything on this website, just because I am tired of venting my pain to no avail.

All that I will say is that things are not as bad as they could be. Nor are they are bad as they have been in the past. Things are....just the way they are, although this time I feel that a major change is coming at me like a runaway train in the dark. I can't help but get run over by it, but at least I have some time to prepare for the worst case scenario. And the worst case scenario....could be...worse. I can't lie and pretend that I never saw this coming, because I did. My sense of people is very keen, and I can usually sense when something is going to happen long before it does, such as what's happening right now. I'm sad, and upset, and angry, and frustrated...but at least I understand it. Well, most of it. I'm not sitting here throwing coke up my nose or drinking my life away or popping pills like candy...but I am devastated, heartbroken, sick with loss. I knew it was coming. Now I just have to cope with it.

All I want is to have my life back. I just want my life back.

Important Information

As most of you know, I read several blogs on a daily basis. Sometimes not so daily, but I always go back and read anything that I may have missed. Today I was reading one of my blogs and came across a post about how important it is to take care of your mental health. My mental health is something I have been neglecting for a while, mostly due to lack of insurance or resources, but I am slowly turning it around and trying to get the help I need. I struggle with major depression and panic disorder as well, I just don't talk about it much for the same reasons that Dooce addresses in her post--the stigma attached to it, and the fear of admitting failure. But her post put things into perspective, and I related to it. If you're interested, please click here.

New Year, New Face

Well, it's 2008. I have been waiting for this year for a LONG time.

BUSHIE will finally be out of office. I am counting down the days.

8 is my favorite number.

I am now well into my thirties.

Bryan and I are going into our second year together.

I hope this year brings us many good things. We are ready for some positivity. Things have been difficult lately, although NOT impossible. We both have positive attitudes and are ready to move even further away from all the negativity that has surrounded us for so long. Now that we are in Florida, we realize that we really should be back up north, so we are slowly but surely preparing for a move closer to Michigan, although we will never again live in Michigan. (I think it's one of the only states in a recession right now.) We are thinking about Cincinnati, Ohio, Northern Kentucky area. This gives us something to look forward to.

This is my year for self improvement. I intend to shed the rest of this weight, get healthier, and tackle some personal issues that I need to take care of. I also intend to continue my education and FINALLY get into a field that's stable, doing something that I truly love. Recruiting is a great job, but in this market, it's hard to convince a client to pay me a fee for finding them an employee that they can find on their own for free. It's sad, but it's just the way the country is right now. When you're paying damn near $4.00 a gallon for gas, it just doesn't make sense to pay a headhunter to do a job you can do on your own. I am going to finish my degree (finally) and get into the medical field so that my family never again has to worry about money or finances. The last two years have been very hard, full of pitfalls and lessons I learned the hard way, so now I'm ready to just take it easy on myself and go full speed ahead on self improvement. The last two months have been fairly difficult for us. I developed an ulcer and have some other health problems. While they're not serious, they are the result of years of neglect, eating bad, smoking, and my little off and on drug binges. I am still a big proponent of weed, but I am taking a break from it for several reasons.

I am really looking forward to all the changes that are ahead for us. Bryan and I are growing closer by the day and it looks like marriage may be in the distant future..maybe in another two years or so. A lot of people ask me when we are going to have children. The answer to that is NOT RIGHT NOW. Even though my biological clock is ticking loudly, and I find it necessary to remind him of that fact, neither one of us are ready for the full time responsibility of taking care of an infant of our own. We love spending time with Isabella and Ro-Man, as I call him, and that satisfies my mommy yearnings for now.

This year Bryan is going to finish high school. He is only half a semester away, and then he is going to try and pursue his passion for music behind the scenes. He is looking forward to learning a trade so he doesn't have to take crap jobs anymore, and I admit it will be nice to supplement my income with another income bracket closer to mine. He is a hard worker and faithfully pays the bills, and now he is recognizing his need for more spending money. The only way he can do that is to educate himself.

Alexa enjoys being in a bigger school, and she is involved in volunteer activities, which she seems to really enjoy. Right now her favorite thing to do is to volunteer at a local nursing home, reading to Alzheimer patients. I am proud of the young lady she is becoming, even though her mouth sometimes gets the best of her.

We have our bad moments when we don't think we will make it. I still struggle with my bipolar disorder and depression, but there is no longer any kind of substance abuse issue and hasn't been for a very long time. Moving to Florida seemed to diminish Bryan's need to party all the time....he seems to know now that it's time to grow up. And even though I sometimes crave mood altering substances, I am strong willed enough to avoid it altogether. I feel that we have too much going for us to ruin it now. Everything is not peaches and roses every day, but the point is that we have learned our lessons from the past and we are not making the same mistakes over and over again.

2006 was our beginning year. If I had one word to describe it, I would call it HELL. 2007 was our year of trials and tribulations. Literally. And 2008 will be just as I described it...the year of the Bowailey.

With Love,
Mz Bowailey