Realizations

Yesterday I went to the driver license office (yes, that's what they call it, the driver license office, not the DMV or the Secretary of State or anything sophisticated like that. It might confuse the true southerners around here) to get my license. The last time I got my driver's license renewed was last May, right around my birthday, and the picture was horrible. I wrote about it when it happened. Here is the link to that post: WHY I LOOK LIKE A CRACK HEAD. Here is that picture, in case you don't feel like re reading that post.


Look at how horrible I look! Red nose, watery eyes, no makeup, hair all greasy and unkempt. And that is SUCH a fake smile. My eyes look DEAD, don't they? It's scaring me to even look at this picture. I don't look even remotely close to what I look like now.







Well, I got my new license yesterday, and I was amazed at the difference in the picture. Not only have I lost about sixty pounds (and it shows!) I look healthier, happier, and just downright prettier than I did a little over a year ago. I HAD to scan it so I could show it on here. (I am so vain.) Here it is.
What an improvement! I look a little bit like Monica Lewinsky in this picture, but I don't mind because I never thought she was ugly in the first place. She's just a freaky bitch.

I just can't get over the difference. I don't want to ever lose this license for the rest of my life. LOL. It is probably the best driver license picture I have ever taken. WHAT other zodiac sign besides Taurus do you know that is SO vain that they would actually post their driver license pictures? LOL Of course, there are other reasons for this, reasons why this is a better picture. Number one, I am not on drugs anymore and those who doubt me now have more of a reason to believe. My stress level is down significantly from that of last year, even though I still have my bad days. I really don't have anything real significant to complain about besides this persistent loneliness, but that is another post.

Til next time,

Mz. Bowailey

Not Scared

I took this picture in the car the other day. I even managed to smile. Kind of. How do you like that???

D Day

Well, the day has finally come. As of June 11, my divorce from Shawn is final. It makes me a little sad to think he is no longer my husband, but as everyone who knows us knows, it has been over for quite some time. We have managed to maintain somewhat of a friendship, due to the fact that he saw me through some of the worst times in my life. I think he was shocked at how incredibly hard I fell off, but he was always, always there to pick up the pieces. For that I will always have a degree of loyalty to him. The other day, I called him to ask him some general question and we chatted about nothing for about an hour. It's nice to have a sane, rational conversation with him because for the last year, I have been in almost constant crisis and he is usually the first person I would call.

He is much happier now. He is with someone who appreciates him and loves him entirely, and this he deserves more than anything. He has always been there with a quick $20, or more, lol, and has always been there for other things. I begged him to divorce me earlier this year, begged him to seperate himself from me legally, and he did. Now that it's actually final, I can't help but feel a little pang of sadness and a BIG pang of regret for what he had to endure from me. I know I will keep in touch with him for as long as possible, because he is a very good person, very kind and good hearted. Even though we've both moved on, part of him will remain with me for the simple fact that he was there to pick up the pieces when no one else would have anything to do with me. Thanks, Shawny.

Oh.....My.....GOD

I am so sick of hearing about stupid skinny puppy no talent slutbag Paris Hilton going to jail. Who gives a fuck? Lots of people go to jail. I wish we could all fake illnesses and get out of trouble. I heard someone describe her fake illness as "rich and white". Did they forget fake? I hope some of those jail bitches beat her whore ass down. I can't fucking stand that bitch.

But who is worse than Paris Hilton? I know, I know, I didn't think anyone could be worse than Paris Hilton, but I was oh so wrong. DUSTIN DIAMOND, known better as Screech from that corny ass no talent show Saved By The Bell, is on Celebrity Fit Club this season and he consistenly shows the world how much of an ASS he is. This is the kind of motherfucker I would love to see get beat down in the middle of the street. I want to SPIT on him. He is cocky, arrogant, and not, I repeat NOT, a very good person. Every time I watch this show I watch with balled fists because this guy seriously needs an ass kicking. You'd have to watch the show to see what I mean, but here is a clip that will kind of show you what an ass he is, if you haven't seen this yet. If you get a chance to, watch the season finale on Sunday night, because he about gets his ass kicked by a few other contestants. I can't WAIT to see what happens. He makes fun of the other contestants behind their backs, on camera, and shows no enthusiasm for the work they're doing. He yawns in their faces when they get excited and is NICE to their faces, but it's a whole OTHER story when he's alone with the cameras. On the season finale, he makes fun of The Brat, and Cletus Judd, and they both go after him. (Other people on the show are Maureen McCormick from the Brady Bunch, Tiffany (the eighties singer), Warren G, Kelly someone I think from American Idol, and this cute little gay guy that I just LOVE. Anyway, here is the clip, and tell me if you don't think he is the most arrogant little piece of shit you've ever seen. And, don't forget to tune in for the season finale. I want to see him get his ass kicked.

Dustin being an ASS!

What's On My Mind?

I woke up this morning with stuff on my mind. Although this happens frequently now, last night was particularly bad in terms of rest. I did not sleep well.

This picture of me and Bryan was taken sometime in March, shortly after we broke up, supposedly for good, but before the BAD night happened. Take a look at my face, people! I look like SHIT. How I managed to just not fall over is beyond me. Let me take a second and tell you what I was going through at this period of time. The worst hadn't even happened yet.

First, he took off with my cousin who offered him alcohol AFTER she saw a drunken fight between us and I had confided in her that I didn't want Bryan drinking at all. She instigated an argument, and then they snuck off together to her house, which was not anything I knew or even suspected until the next day when his MOM called looking for him. Talk about a tip off that he didn't go home that night!!! The next couple of weeks were awful; we weren't speaking to each other and when we did, it usually wasn't nice. Bryan was sneaking around behind my back and hanging out with her and both of them were lying to me about it. The true shit of it was that all the time, Sarah was trying to convince me to leave him for good and declaring that she would have nothing to do with me if I kept him in my life. Then turning around and talking about ME that way to him. It was a stupid, fucking dramatic mess. Eventually, Bryan's family, including Dave, cornered Bryan and convinced him to put a stop to it. This happened AFTER Sarah took it upon herself to answer Bryan's phone, the one that I paid for, and scream into it, in front of his young niece and nephew who both know me, that he couldn't talk right now because he was putting a condom on. Oooh, just re telling this story makes me want to smash her right in her fucking mouth.

While this was going on, I came across some text messages that he had sent to some girl named Wendy who he had apparently met at the bar one night while still living with me. They danced and kissed, and he came into my bed that night and slept next to me. Call me stuck on stupid, because I had no idea. The text messages weren't all that bad...a little flirtatious...but a fucking shock nonetheless. Once again, I never even suspected. It crushed me to find out that he lied to me like that. It was pretty awful to read those messages. I didn't think it could get any worse after that. I spent that whole night laughing, and then crying, and then laughing, while my family stood around in silence, not knowing what to say.

Then we didn't speak for a while. On St Patrick's Day, we went out, and that was the catalyst that completely changed my thinking. I will not go into detail here except to say that Bryan and I did not speak again for a long while after that night. When we finally did speak, it was at my initiative, and we spent the night getting high on cocaine for the first time in over 9 months. I will honestly admit that I threw up the first time I saw him put that shit in his nose. I don't know how I handled it...I guess I just couldn't handle the raw reality of being sober any longer. I was popping pills and drinking an awful lot at that time, and getting high seemed like a safe way to connect with him. We drank and smoked and he spent the night with me at my house, at which time he told me how much he loved me and how sorry he was for everything. We began to get intimate, and he began reacting to me in a way that he never had before. I mean to say, warning bells were buzzing in my head and I felt my stomach drop straight down to my toes because I knew, I KNEW, that he had been with someone else. I did not question him about it.

Two days later, after not hearing from him, I stopped by his house, innocently enough. What I didn't expect to see was a strange car in the driveway. The pussy that I am, I made Ricky go up to the door and Bryan instantly bribed him with alcohol. I KNEW there was a bitch inside but I was trying to lie to myself, just to keep myself sane. What ended up happening was that I came out of my car after HIM, screaming and demanding to know WHY DID HE KEEP DOING THIS TO ME? He actually had the balls to threaten to call the cops. HA! I was homicidal at that point and aimed my car right at him. I wanted blood, guts, whatever. My mind shut down and I literally saw red, then everything went white. The girl came outside and Bryan screamed for her to go back in the house, making a huge Freudian slip by saying, "THIS IS MY CRAZY ASS GIRLFRIEND!" instead of crazy ass "ex" girlfriend. Ricky eventually got me in the car and I drove through town, screaming at the top of my lungs without taking a breath, not stopping, running red lights and stop signs. I have never felt so insane.

After that, we didn't talk at all. It was then that I began the preparation for my move to Florida. I was locking myself in the bathroom with knives and cutting myself, and finding myself on the phone at 3 AM calling everyone I knew, screaming for cocaine. I was getting high again, getting drunk, whatever, not caring, feeling numb. Life was in black and white for me then. Days would go by where I would not eat. Lynn came over to my house one morning while I was still drunk from the night before, and forced me to go home with her. I took a shower, cleaned myself up, and while I still couldn't eat anything, felt much better. It was a slow road but I started to clean myself up.

After we got back together, I made a commitment to myself NOT to ever follow the same path again. I have been CLEAN and HAPPILY SOBER for a long time now. I really do feel my strength and determination coming back. It feels nice. I have finally been given the tools I need to succeed and I intend to implement them. But as far as my relationship goes...it has never been better. While Bryan has never been overly attentive, he is paying more attention to me. He is learning to be more compassionate. He is trying to be part of a family. In short, he is growing up. Do I still worry that he'll cheat on me again? Yeah, I do, but I think he knows I seriously will NOT tolerate it. Do I worry that I'll fall off the wagon again? Not really, because after all, I am the only one in control of that situation. Do I worry that we might not make it? Honestly, I only take it one day at a time. I am a person who takes pleasure in small victories, and every day that I am alive and well and in a healthy state of mind is a victory for me. Waking up next to Bryan now is so much different than it was before. He is always right next to me, basically on top of me, all night. He strokes my hair, kisses my face in the middle of the night. He rubs my back when I am so tense I cry. He comforts me without words a lot. He is trying SO hard. And I love him.

Have You Ever...

In these pictures I took the other day, I look mad and miserable. The truth is, I'm not. I was just snapping pictures of myself in broad day light while parked on the side of the road and I didn't want to smile and draw attention to myself. I was using the mirror on the other end of my visor and I was afraid to smile because I thought people walking by might think I'm nuts. Well, I am, but that's besides the point.

Have you ever in your life wanted to smash someone into the ground like the garbage that they perpetrate to be? Have you ever had nightmares about that person, and woke up in the morning with balled fists and an upset stomach? Have you ever wished you could be younger and more fit just so you could beat said person about the face and head without fear of reprisal? I have and I currently do. There is a certain person who will remain unnamed that I swear to God I am going to pound into oblivion the first chance I get. The problem is, even though I really hate the way this person acts and conducts themselves, I don't know them on a personal level so I don't actually hate the person. Confusing, I know. But I went to this person's my space page, and read some things that they write, and what is really sad is that even though they have thrown a major wrench into my life (which is by NO means all their fault) and I want to bash their teeth out, I couldn't help but be impressed at their writing. This is not a stupid person. I didn't expect to be dealing with someone who appears to have slightly above average intelligence. I thought I was dealing with someone who was extremely fucking stupid and a total waste of space. Judging from what I've read, this person has a pretty good heart and knows how to express themselves with words. This is getting in the way of my thirst for vengeance. How can I hate someone yet at the same time wish I could talk them into being a better person? Is this just my heart talking? Or is it something more? Am I nuts? (YES) I don't know what to do.

It is my nature to seek revenge. Just when my enemies think it's safe to come out of hiding, I pounce with a fury that is unmatched to anything they've ever seen. This is due to my snaky nature. (I AM a snake, according to my Chinese Zodiac.) I don't like to be fucked with or taunted, but I usually take it until I can formulate a plan to get them back in the best way possible. Most of the time it does NOT include violence. I just know my way around certain things and I use it to my full advantage. I know this doesn't make me a better person and all that, and sometimes I hold on to it for so long that I end up letting it go. Like my cousin Sarah for instance. I will never give her the privilege of being in my life again, but that doesn't mean I don't miss her sometimes. I do. I am over being angry at her and I wish we could laugh about all that happened, but for the sake of my mental health it is best for me to just stay away from her. She hasn't bothered me or done anything to me in months because she already got what she wanted, which was revenge. She did a good job, I can tell you that. But since we were best friends for so long and really know each other well, I kind of fucked myself when it came to her by trusting too much. I won't put myself in that position again, but all thoughts of getting back at her for what she put me through are gone. Now I just want to be peaceful...away from her. Which is what we are doing. But this other person is NOT a member of my family and I have no history with them, which makes it easier for me to want to bash them. So what I'm doing is hoping I can be the bigger person and walk away, but I'm afraid that at this point I am not able to do that. Thank God this person doesn't live anywhere near me.

Since drugs and alcohol no longer have a place in my life, I am obviously able to think more clearly and rationally...thank God! It doesn't mean that I am rational ALL the time, because, LOL, I'm NOT. But I am able to see things more clearly, especially since I was wearing blinders for so long, and it's refreshing. I guess I will have to wait and see if my anger dissipates before I find myself in a position to do anything to that person. Either way, I'm going with the flow. I just hope I make the right decision.

I'm Getting A Little Ridiculous

This is me and Bryan today. Alexa took this picture and she said something smart. As I raised my eyebrows at her she took it, so I look a little silly. But I dont care. Look at how long my hair is getting! I am so excited about this. I do need to cut it though, because the ends are a little dead. And I also need to dye it because the top and sides of my head are almost completely gray. The parts that are not gray are a dull, almost colorless brown. I just keep putting it off for money reasons. I know once I dye my hair it will take years off of my face. It always does. But at least I look happy and like I said yesterday, unafraid of the camera.

Today I tried on a pair of shorts that I bought last summer from Wal Mart. I picked them up off the clearance rack and bought them without trying them on. I couldnt get them on when I got home, they were so tight they were cutting off my circulation and the zipper wouldnt go all the way up. To make matters worse, they were low riders, which I have a hard time wearing not only because I am FAT, and I dont think FAT people should wear LOW RIDERS, but because I also carry almost all my weight in the front of my stomach. So I pitched them into the closet. Before I moved to Florida from Michigan, I tried them on again and this time they would go on and stay zipped, but they were still pretty tight. Today, I pulled them out of the closet once again, and tried them on. Now, I can pull them off and on without unbuttoning OR unzipping them, and the most surprising thing is that now they are just like all my other pants...I have to keep hitching them up when I walk. Alexa, my smart ass daughter, says, "Mom, it's because you have no butt to hold them up." Which is true. The little jerk. But oh well. Last year I couldnt even get them on. This year I have to hitch them up. Thats all I care about.

Before and After

It almost hurts to look at this picture of me up there. Look at how FAT I was. Holy shit, dude! This picture was taken in August of 2005, when I was so fat that I had no other choice but to pay extra for first class whenever I flew on an airplane because I was so uncomfortable in coach seats. This was when I could put down so much food in one sitting it was ridiculous. I started this journal shortly after this pic of me was taken.

This is what I look like now. Of course, I dont have a full length picture because I havent taken one in so long. I'm used to shying away from the camera, but now that I'm losing weight and it shows, it's not so scary to see myself in graphic detail. I wrote a whole entry about it in my other journal that I have and I thought I would cheat and copy and paste it here:

Other changes
Current mood: ecstatic

"I stepped on the scale today for the first time in a while, and was shocked and amazed to see that I am steadily losing weight still. I dont know why, because I eat pretty good, but I havent been drinking a lot of pop and shit like that. I stick to water or tea most times. Last year, I started keeping a diet journal because I found myself at a whopping 308 pounds. I couldnt believe it. It all started when I got married. The wonderful man that my husband is, our marriage was boring by my standards and I did nothing but stuff my face. I was HUGE.

Anyway, I have been losing weight steadily all year long, but not alarmingly so. I will admit that it is a big mystery why all of a sudden it is falling off, but I dont care. Today, I stepped on the scale, as I said earlier, and I now weigh 57 pounds lighter than I did this time last year. 57 pounds! I can tell the difference in the way my clothes fit, which is to say pretty much all of my pants are too big, but I didnt realize how much better I look because we dont have a full length mirror here. Last night, Bryan and I went to the lesbian bar with some friends of ours, and I dressed up in a black low cut top, jeans, and black boots. I wore my hair down and scrunched it all up. When I walked out of the bathroom, Bryan wore a stunned expression and said, "Damn! You look GOOD!" He meant it, too, and that made me feel so nice! When I was in the bathroom at the bar, I checked myself out in the full length mirror and while I still have a ways to go, I can see the difference myself. All I can say is...I like it. Much better.

So thats my happy news I wanted to share. Pretty soon I will post a full sized picture of myself on here. I would like to post more than one so I can see how I looked before and after. For once in my life, I dont cringe when someone pulls out a camera and says, 'Let's take a picture!' "