I know it's been a while since I've updated my blog. I don't want anyone to think I fell off the face of the earth or anything.

When I went to my appointment, the lady I met with took one look at me and immediately recommended what they call a "partial hospitilization program". What this is is an alternative to the hospital, or in most cases, it's a treatment program that people who are discharged from the hospital go to before completely re entering the regular world. It's very intensive and it lasts six hours a day, Monday through Friday. I couldn't tell this woman no, since she was so obviously trying to help me, so I agreed to go to the program. I figured it couldn't get any worse and at this point, I'm not throwing away anyone's suggestions.

So I agree to go the next day, Friday. So imagine my terror the night before. All Thursday night I was a wreck just thinking about it. I've been in day treatment programs before, twice, both when I was a teenager. I know nothing about them now, and I was scared to death, for any number of reasons. First of all, in order for me to accept this treatment, I was going to have to be in a room full of people I don't know (fuck!) talking about my most intimate, personal issues with them. (fuck! fuck!) I went anyway, and I have continued to go, since then. It has been a challenge every day. I wake up most mornings feeling anxious and nervous, but by the time I get there and settle in a bit I'm okay. I have made a few acquaintances and I am feeling a little more comfortable. I set little goals for myself every day. It's part of my treatment. My goal yesterday was just to stay positive, because yesterday I was feeling very negative. I did, however, accomplish that goal. I have accomplished every small goal I've set for myself so far, and that alone is progress.

I haven't updated my journal because I am in the program from nine until three, and then when I get home, I spend time with Alexa and Bryan. I don't feel like writing about it when I get home because frankly, I am usually spent. I don't feel like talking about it now, other than to say I am making progress and I can tell I am making progress. My expected discharge date, at this point, is February 9th. After that I will be referred to more one on one intensive therapy, but it will be like once a week instead of every day. I am going to make this work for me if it's the last thing I do. I have tasted normalcy...and I like it. I enjoy getting up early in the morning and having somewhere to go, like every one else, even if it's not work. It does wonders for me.

My only complaint thus far is that my doctor refuses to prescribe me anything to calm my nerves. I suppose it's because sometimes those types of medications can be addicting, and I am on government insurance after all, and well, wouldn't it just suck if the government had to support my addiction? LOL So I am coping without it, but I have been very honest with them about the fact I self medicate with marijuana. Drug tests are part of the program, and I'm not going to get anything out of it if I'm not completely honest. They won't punish me for having THC in my system, but it will delay the process of my recovery. I have told them about the cocaine use this past summer, so they probably think I'm an addict, even though I'm the farthest thing away from an addict I can be. Once the doctor agrees to give me something that I can use (situationally, if that's a word) for my nerves when I need it, I will totally stop smoking weed. I only smoke weed now to feel normal. I no longer get high, I just get normal. I would rather not smoke weed at all, so hopefully this situation will change.

So there is my update. I am not at the program today because yesterday I think I got a little overstimulated and woke up this morning with a very intense panic attack. This is not fun to wake up to; all my muscles are tight and constricted, my back hurts, everything is tense, I can't breathe, my heart pounds in my ears and in my chest, and I feel like I'm going to die. Bryan got up with me and rubbed my back, but I was unable to fall back asleep, and I knew that it would be a tremendous struggle for me to go the program today, feeling like I did. So I took the day off and I am still sitting here feeling anxious as hell. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel....