What's On My Mind?

I woke up this morning with stuff on my mind. Although this happens frequently now, last night was particularly bad in terms of rest. I did not sleep well.

This picture of me and Bryan was taken sometime in March, shortly after we broke up, supposedly for good, but before the BAD night happened. Take a look at my face, people! I look like SHIT. How I managed to just not fall over is beyond me. Let me take a second and tell you what I was going through at this period of time. The worst hadn't even happened yet.

First, he took off with my cousin who offered him alcohol AFTER she saw a drunken fight between us and I had confided in her that I didn't want Bryan drinking at all. She instigated an argument, and then they snuck off together to her house, which was not anything I knew or even suspected until the next day when his MOM called looking for him. Talk about a tip off that he didn't go home that night!!! The next couple of weeks were awful; we weren't speaking to each other and when we did, it usually wasn't nice. Bryan was sneaking around behind my back and hanging out with her and both of them were lying to me about it. The true shit of it was that all the time, Sarah was trying to convince me to leave him for good and declaring that she would have nothing to do with me if I kept him in my life. Then turning around and talking about ME that way to him. It was a stupid, fucking dramatic mess. Eventually, Bryan's family, including Dave, cornered Bryan and convinced him to put a stop to it. This happened AFTER Sarah took it upon herself to answer Bryan's phone, the one that I paid for, and scream into it, in front of his young niece and nephew who both know me, that he couldn't talk right now because he was putting a condom on. Oooh, just re telling this story makes me want to smash her right in her fucking mouth.

While this was going on, I came across some text messages that he had sent to some girl named Wendy who he had apparently met at the bar one night while still living with me. They danced and kissed, and he came into my bed that night and slept next to me. Call me stuck on stupid, because I had no idea. The text messages weren't all that bad...a little flirtatious...but a fucking shock nonetheless. Once again, I never even suspected. It crushed me to find out that he lied to me like that. It was pretty awful to read those messages. I didn't think it could get any worse after that. I spent that whole night laughing, and then crying, and then laughing, while my family stood around in silence, not knowing what to say.

Then we didn't speak for a while. On St Patrick's Day, we went out, and that was the catalyst that completely changed my thinking. I will not go into detail here except to say that Bryan and I did not speak again for a long while after that night. When we finally did speak, it was at my initiative, and we spent the night getting high on cocaine for the first time in over 9 months. I will honestly admit that I threw up the first time I saw him put that shit in his nose. I don't know how I handled it...I guess I just couldn't handle the raw reality of being sober any longer. I was popping pills and drinking an awful lot at that time, and getting high seemed like a safe way to connect with him. We drank and smoked and he spent the night with me at my house, at which time he told me how much he loved me and how sorry he was for everything. We began to get intimate, and he began reacting to me in a way that he never had before. I mean to say, warning bells were buzzing in my head and I felt my stomach drop straight down to my toes because I knew, I KNEW, that he had been with someone else. I did not question him about it.

Two days later, after not hearing from him, I stopped by his house, innocently enough. What I didn't expect to see was a strange car in the driveway. The pussy that I am, I made Ricky go up to the door and Bryan instantly bribed him with alcohol. I KNEW there was a bitch inside but I was trying to lie to myself, just to keep myself sane. What ended up happening was that I came out of my car after HIM, screaming and demanding to know WHY DID HE KEEP DOING THIS TO ME? He actually had the balls to threaten to call the cops. HA! I was homicidal at that point and aimed my car right at him. I wanted blood, guts, whatever. My mind shut down and I literally saw red, then everything went white. The girl came outside and Bryan screamed for her to go back in the house, making a huge Freudian slip by saying, "THIS IS MY CRAZY ASS GIRLFRIEND!" instead of crazy ass "ex" girlfriend. Ricky eventually got me in the car and I drove through town, screaming at the top of my lungs without taking a breath, not stopping, running red lights and stop signs. I have never felt so insane.

After that, we didn't talk at all. It was then that I began the preparation for my move to Florida. I was locking myself in the bathroom with knives and cutting myself, and finding myself on the phone at 3 AM calling everyone I knew, screaming for cocaine. I was getting high again, getting drunk, whatever, not caring, feeling numb. Life was in black and white for me then. Days would go by where I would not eat. Lynn came over to my house one morning while I was still drunk from the night before, and forced me to go home with her. I took a shower, cleaned myself up, and while I still couldn't eat anything, felt much better. It was a slow road but I started to clean myself up.

After we got back together, I made a commitment to myself NOT to ever follow the same path again. I have been CLEAN and HAPPILY SOBER for a long time now. I really do feel my strength and determination coming back. It feels nice. I have finally been given the tools I need to succeed and I intend to implement them. But as far as my relationship goes...it has never been better. While Bryan has never been overly attentive, he is paying more attention to me. He is learning to be more compassionate. He is trying to be part of a family. In short, he is growing up. Do I still worry that he'll cheat on me again? Yeah, I do, but I think he knows I seriously will NOT tolerate it. Do I worry that I'll fall off the wagon again? Not really, because after all, I am the only one in control of that situation. Do I worry that we might not make it? Honestly, I only take it one day at a time. I am a person who takes pleasure in small victories, and every day that I am alive and well and in a healthy state of mind is a victory for me. Waking up next to Bryan now is so much different than it was before. He is always right next to me, basically on top of me, all night. He strokes my hair, kisses my face in the middle of the night. He rubs my back when I am so tense I cry. He comforts me without words a lot. He is trying SO hard. And I love him.