Boredom

Well, I didn't sleep real well last night. I had a really bad dream that me and Bryan lived in the house that I grew up in, which is a rental house now. In it, someone was trying to steal my car and it was dark out and scary. Yeah, I didn't like that too much. The night before that I had a bad dream too, about someone I know and miss. And when I finally fell back asleep this morning, I dreamed that I still had my PT Cruiser but I couldn't remember where I parked it so I walked all over hell's half acres looking for it. I never did find it.

I am so depressed and bored. I was just going through some of my entries from last summer and a wistful kind of longing took over me. I miss Kristi and Mike SO much, and looking back on it, it seems as though we spent a LOT of time together right about this time last year. True, three of us were doing a lot of drugs but that NEVER diminished our friendship, not for a minute. (It still hasn't.) Everything between Bryan and I was very unsettled back then. Well, how's that for irony? Now I have everything I have ever wanted, needed, and asked for in Bryan....but no friends. Just him. Just. Him. Every. Day. Of. My. Life. I am glad we are finally settled in and together, but damn, I'm bored. NOT with him, but I sure wish that we had our friends back. I miss Dave, Roxanne, Jamie, and even Angie. (LOL). And I really, really miss Kristi and Mike. They were there through it all. Whenever Bryan and I needed something to do, we hung out with Mike and Kristi. Of all the people we knew, we weren't ashamed to let them see the worst of us, even when they didn't want to see it. (We still aren't.) We would spend hours playing spades and talking, the four of us. I miss those days, not for the drugs of course, but for the camaraderie that came with being with people we truly cared about. Some people come in and out of your life for reasons that God only knows sometimes. They blink in, stay around for a while, and then blink out, and you lose all touch. Five years later you find yourself wondering what happened to them. But Kristi and Mike blinked in and as far as I'm concerned, will never blink out. We've all seen too much of each other, bonded too much, spent too much time together. We're all way too close. (We may as well have walked around each other with no clothes on, as raw and as uncensored as we've all seen each other.) I know God put them into my life for a purpose.

I'm writing about them in particular because last year about this time we were always together. I miss that. Bryan and I are almost unbearably lonely right now. Sometimes I really wish I would have waited to move to Florida until now, the summertime, because I am not really enjoying myself here. Every day I wake up depressed, and I know it's because I'm lonely. I've always been surrounded by friends, even when I lived here before, but the friends I had when I lived here before have all moved up north! (Go figure) It makes me long for the days of Kristi and Mike and Bryan and Sondra, the long talks, the dinners together sometimes, the card games until 7 AM. I miss it all. I never thought I would feel like moving to Florida was a mistake, but sometimes I really do feel that way. My grandma, who is the light of my life, always says that social interaction is extremely important. Well, we don't have any of that. I find myself feeling extremely bitter about everything all the time, and that's not good. I wish Bryan and I could find financial security and happiness in Michigan, but it won't happen. There are too many bad outside influences up there that I don't have to waste one second on worrying about down here. Not only that, but finding work would be extremely difficult. I've been having a rough time here, but that's because of the field I'm in.

I just really want to go home for about a week, maybe ten days. I just want to see my friends, go out to dinner, and hang out til the wee hours of the morning. I want to go to the movies, go to the beach, and just be with other people instead of it just being the two of us all. the. time. It makes me sad because we don't know what's going on in everyone else's life. We don't know what our friends are doing. Every time I talk to Roxanne she mentions having bonfires at her house. Well, dammit, I wanna go. And I haven't spoken to Angie in a while, but I'd be willing to bet even her life is more fun that mine now. Anyone feel like taking up a donation to get me home for about ten days so I can feel normal again? Anyone?

Wistfully,
Mz Bowailey

Roxanne--you know I miss you. You're the one I tell about all the bad stuff.
Kristi and Mike--words cannot express how much I miss you guys. I wish we could go to church with you and then hang out and play video games.
Angie--I just wanna know if you're still alive, and what's going on with you.
Mollie--you and Alexa are so lucky. I wish I was you guys, just for a day, so I could hang out with MY friends.
My Grandma--I can't even go there without crying.
Bryan's family--I miss all of you, pains in the asses.

I want to see all of you. Soon.