tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-170540062024-03-07T13:39:01.173-05:00Believing In Me In 2013!It's still all about Sondra, but now my title covers everything this blog is about...from the good to the bad, the normal to the melodramatic, from the start to the finish...these are MY stories, told MY way.MissJesterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01653100352182424436noreply@blogger.comBlogger294125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17054006.post-51063312161790455352013-01-12T22:03:00.000-05:002013-01-12T22:03:01.923-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBoBzB2TuZFWvKrpwNcUaFsb1-d4w2sN03qEV_kKxFPgROHbHeOWEw_3Voeeify9DUPUVJrZkhOa118dCCQZv5PPcCZHIEMLJL9HT8UxyoTc0zUZNl_m-g24mgFXSKAgP0_Xmr/s1600/Picture+44+(2).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBoBzB2TuZFWvKrpwNcUaFsb1-d4w2sN03qEV_kKxFPgROHbHeOWEw_3Voeeify9DUPUVJrZkhOa118dCCQZv5PPcCZHIEMLJL9HT8UxyoTc0zUZNl_m-g24mgFXSKAgP0_Xmr/s320/Picture+44+(2).jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
So this is what I look like today. Well, not actually today because this pic was taken a few days ago, but still. I have grown quite attached to this silver streak that has made its appearance in my hair. Can you see it? It's in my bangs. It looks like a streak that was put there on purpose. Creuella Deville? I think not.<br />
<br />
So I have plans for this upcoming year that, quite frankly, scare the shit out of me. First off, I am moving out of state again, reluctantly. In order to save money we are moving in with Curtis's sister for a year. She lives in Aurora, Illinois. So, this is where we are going.<br />
<br />
I am a Michigan girl through and through, so leaving here again is breaking my heart. But we need a better quality of life for ourselves and for Josh; Flint, MI doesn't quite cut it. We are leaving in March. I am in the process of eating all the coneys I can get my hands on. Chicago coneys are nothing like Flint coneys, and I will miss them. But that's about all I will miss. There's nothing left for me here, not with Alexa being in Florida and Memo being gone forever. When I wake up in the middle of the night scared to tears at the thought of moving, I just remind myself that there's nothing left here to hold on to and it is time to go.<br />
<br />
Curtis has a guaranteed job, and I will probably start classes for nursing and/or wait tables in the meantime. That's if I can find a waitressing job...I am kind of getting old and my options are limited. I just can't wait to get this over with and get down there and see what opportunities may await me. I should have bettered my life years ago, when I had umpteen million chances. When I started this blog I had it better than I ever had it,and for many years afterward, I just never knew it. Now I know what it's really like to struggle, to have to count change to buy diapers and to go without any kind of transportation at all and have to depend on people for everything. I could have never envisioned this kind of life for myself, but I have to admit, that I did see it coming, I just didn't how to face it head on. I am tired of just barely surviving.<br />
<br />
So, now I get to see where this new life is going to take us. I hope 2013 turns out to be my year!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
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<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/243014310" rel="bookmark" title="Read Update">Update</a></h4>
<article class="post-body">
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/angry.gif" />angry</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
Someone asked for an update, so here it is in a nutshell.<br /><br />Serra
went to jail for calling a cop a bitch and pointing out to him that at
least WE werent geeks who got beat up in high school so now we get to
wear big, bad, blue uniforms and act like big, bad pricks. I bailed her
out the next day. Consequently, she is not allowed to leave this shit
hole of a state until her court case is done. I didnt pay some of my
utility bills so I would have extra money to move, but now Im screwed
and I wont have the internet after today.<br /><br />On St Patricks day,
while I was out with Dave, Bryan, and Serra, we got a phone call from my
sister Kathy who informed us that Ricky was in jail, was arrested for
driving while under the influence, 3 times over the legal limit exactly,
and since he has some old felony warrants, we dont expect him to get
out soon. <br /><br />I also dealt with a situation here at my house the
very same night, but I refuse to go into detail about it on here. Too
risky, but rest assured everyone...Im handling it the way it SHOULD be
handled.<br /><br />So, we have no money, were broke, and thank God for my
friend Stromie who gave Serra a few hundred dollars to buy food and
stuff for the baby, since they didnt plan on staying here that long and
she was running out of stuff. Other than that, I dont feel like I have
shit to be thankful for. Church does nothing for me. I hate my life.<br />
</article>
<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/243014310">1:40 PM</a>
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<a class="msProfileLink miniProfile" data-miniprofile="{"friendId":130425621,"title":"Alexa Bowman","onlineStatus":"\u003cspan class=\"MSIcon IMOfflineIcon\"\u003eOffline\u003c/span\u003e","addFriendButton":true,"gender":"Female","age":"Age: 103","notBand":true,"friendLite":true}" href="http://www.myspace.com/ineed_therapy"><img alt="Alexa Bowman" class="profileimage photo" data-friendid="130425621" src="http://a1.ec-images.myspacecdn.com/profile01/129/8033f1af5c734ebdb91060a4661790df/t.jpg" /></a>
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<a class="msProfileTextLink" href="http://www.myspace.com/ineed_therapy" title="Alexa Bowman">Alexa Bowman</a><span style="background-color: #00cccc;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Hang
in there, Mummy. You'll pull through. We always pull through on the
rough spots. That's all this is, is a rough spot. A helluva big one, but
a roug spot. Don't worry, Serra, Bella, and I are going to help you
through it!<img src="http://x.myspace.com/images/blog/smileys/anxious.gif" /></span></span></span><br />
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<span class="datePosted">5 years ago</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>MissJesterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01653100352182424436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17054006.post-84143100812478878262012-11-28T11:43:00.001-05:002012-11-28T11:43:30.437-05:00MARCH 7, 2007<h4 class="post-title">
<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/238584331" rel="bookmark" title="Read Hilarity">Hilarity</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/blah.gif" />high</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
Me and Ricky are sitting here, stoned and feeling very nice. We
start discussing ways to harass people, and then decide to try and do
something to Bryan. Ricky finds Jeff's Halloween costume in my closet,
which is a big foam beer bottle. Literally. A bottle of beer. Ricky puts
it on and makes some faces in the mirror, and we crack up for a few
minutes. Then, just as my ribs stop hurting and I can breathe normally
again (you know how high people laugh...hysterically and forever), I
suggest we go into a bar and just sit around nonchalantly and gauge
peoples reactions. Ricky puts his hands on his hips and, while standing
just like a superhero, says, "No, I'll walk in there just like this and
say, '<span style="font-style: italic;">Heard someone ordered me.' </span>"<br /><br />This we gotta try. <div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/238217247" rel="bookmark" title="Read Dog, The Bounty Hunter">Dog, The Bounty Hunter</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/happy.gif" />okay</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">For some reason, I cant fall asleep tonight (now
things are getting interesting..I used to have no problem falling asleep
but couldnt STAY asleep, and now it looks like Im gonna have trouble
falling asleep tonight. Why? Just for variety? Come on now.) Last night I
had a dream that I lived in a big beautiful house in Pensacola and the
front side of the house was pure glass...windows. My cousin Sarah lived
right across the street so I had to keep the glass covered so she
couldnt see into my house. I would spy on her though, and every time I
saw her on the computer I would check Bryans email to see if she had
written to him. CRAZY.<br /><br />So Im sitting up watching Dog the Bounty
Hunter, and I just have to say that even though him and Beth are really
cheesy with their bleached hair, mullets, and triple F boobs, they are
truly, truly good people. They are a perfect example of how people can
turn their lives around and use their bad experiences to educate people
and help them. They have a strong faith in God and their family is very
close. I like them. I would love to work with people like them.<br /><br />Well,
tomorrow Im going to church with Mike and Kristi, and maybe hanging out
with Bryan. We'll see. Its hell because I really cant go out and do
anything with Alexa being grounded. I dont trust her to be home alone
right now, but I do let her participate when we all play games together.
I dont let her watch TV and I have confiscated her I Pod, her cell
phone, and her video games. All she has is clothes and a bed and some
books. Now she has nothing to do but homework. I dont bar her from
church group or family oriented activites, but Im trying to get the
point across that I am not playing with her anymore. I havent let her go
to my Dads in a few days either. I still have to plan what Im going to
say to that man.<br /><br />All right, Im off to bed now to try and sleep. I
dont feel at all tired, which sucks, but maybe that will change. We
shall see...</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/237371062" rel="bookmark" title="Read Poker Fiend">Poker Fiend</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/sleepy.gif" />sleepy</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"> Ive been sitting here playing poker for a while. All
is quiet about the house. The weekend was pleasant and low key. I went
to church tonight, with Kristi and Mike, Serra and Bella, and Bryan. It
was a fun, enthusiastic service and we left feeling very nice. Now its
late and dark and the house is peaceful and I am content at the moment.
Bryan and I had a talk about me moving to Florida. He knows Im going but
he still doesnt know when. It was very emotional, indeed. And, for
once, very honest.<br /><br />There is something about this church that I
really like. I enjoy going and I look forward to it. I would like to
attend on Wednesday nights also, because everyone is so nice and there
are all kinds of activities to participate in. This is very helpful to
me, because everyone is so positive and enthusiastic and real. This is
the kind of environment I need. They dont sit and preach and preach,
because I dont like that. They make it fun and we have some interesting
discussions. For once in my life, I am really enjoying church. Thanks
again, Kristi and Mike!! LOL<br /><br />I slept well last night, and tonight
I really hope to do the same. I have an appointment tomorrow with the
school so that I can start the HUC program. Classes start on the eighth,
so I need to get a move on! But I am really looking forward to starting
this new phase of my life. Im ready to leave the old one behind. I am
ready for some happy, positive things. My heart may have been broken,
but the stress is subsiding a little every day. Whenever Bryan is around
me, Im very firm with him that I am not going to take his shit and he
knows I mean it. Hes been taking me seriously and treating me with more
respect. We have not even talked about getting back together. He knows
that is not an option. I could never trust him again, not after what he
put me through. He would have to be over thirty five years old before I
would consider it. But we have a wonderful friendship, and without the
stress of our romantic relationship burdening us, we actually get along
and laugh together and enjoy each other like we once did. I watched him
get emotional in church tonight and I suddenly felt like I was right
where I belonged at the moment I was in it. I havent felt so peaceful in
a while.<br /><br />I am actually starting to enjoy getting up early in the
morning. Instead of fighting it, I welcome the quiet, peaceful time
alone that I have to do whatever I want. As long as I try to get at
least 6 hours of sleep a night, Ill be all right. Unfortunately, I wake
up often and I dont rest well, but last night was a good night. I woke
up three times but I only had to get up to pace once. Thats very good,
for me. When I did wake up I felt rested. I havent felt that way in a
long time, either.<br /><br />I am so sleepy right now. Im going to finish this, turn the heat down, and go to bed. I cant wait to fall asleep tonight.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>MissJesterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01653100352182424436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17054006.post-80311905746923327852012-11-28T11:38:00.000-05:002012-11-28T11:38:09.203-05:00MARCH 3, 2007<h4 class="post-title">
<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/236760875" rel="bookmark" title="Read Realizations">Realizations</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/blah.gif" />determined</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">I just reread my last post. My feelings haven't changed on the subject at all, but now I have a solution.<br /><br />Ricky
and Serra being here has been a godsend. If not for them, I dont know
where Id be right now. Ive been going to church and taking comfort with
my good friends who have my best interests at heart. Ive been doing a
lot of thinking and a lot of soul searching, and what I think is best is
for me to go back to Florida. Not only am I going to go back to
Florida, but Im not going to tell Bryan Im going. He knows I plan on
going back and I can see that it bothers him, but what Im going to do is
just go without telling him when Im leaving. He wouldnt ever expect me
to pack up my house and just go without saying goodbye or SOMETHING to
him. I plan on doing just that, except that when I stop to get gas for
the first time Im going to call Nextel from a payphone and change my
number. I have to cut off ALL CONTACT if I am ever going to get over
this. He wouldnt ever in a million years expect me to cut off all
contact from him. Let him be in pain and shock for a while. He needs to
live without me. I am not strong enough to do it while Im only a few
miles away from him, but if I am in a new environment with new things to
focus on, I can purge him out of my life a lot easier. Im sure it will
be hard at first, but not being around him or a part of the situation
will make the healing go that much faster. I cant live like this for
much longer because the stress is really taking a toll on me
physically, as well as mentally. Not being able to actually rest while I
sleep is making me ill. I throw up a lot and Im losing weight faster
than ever. I am eating more these days, though, so thats good. But I
feel like if I have to take one more blow, whether it be psychological
or physical, I might either collapse or have a heart attack. There have
been nights when the grief has been so bad, and the stress has been so
overwhelming, that I went from crying hysterically in my bathroom, to
crouching over the toilet throwing up violently, to curling up in a ball
on a fetal position on the floor, trying to calm myself and my heart
down because I felt close to passing out. Who the fuck can live like
that? Its a wonder Ive been doing it this long. Enough is enough. I have
to do what I have to do. I want to live, I want to succeed, and I want
to be happy. I dont need someone in my life to make me happy, but I do
need to find a way to achieve some peace. The best way to do that is to
leave, just go. Ill cry my eyes out over it at first, but when I am no
longer exposed to the things that hurt me anymore Ill start to get
better. I have to. I want to.<br /><br />I hope God gives me strength to do this. I hope I CAN do this. I NEED to do this</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/236260153" rel="bookmark" title="Read W O W">W O W</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/apathetic.gif" />morose</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">I never thought that I would ever experience a
crushing heart break like this. It is SO hard! I know I need to get over
it and Im trying to, but it hurts like my soul is being ripped out of
me. I swear to God, I have never experienced such pain before. I cry
often, I dont sleep much, and I am so tense all the time. Sometimes, a
memory will invade my thoughts and a sharp stab of pain will hit me
right in the heart. Its a searing, stinging pain that Ive never known
before. I feel like Im on the outside looking in at something I know I
will never have even though I want it more than anything. I want to hold
on to it so bad even though I know it cant be mine. Ive been fighting
for so long that I didnt realize how much Ive been hurting. Now that the
fightings over, I realize how tired I am of hurting. My spirit is so
exhasuted from all this grief and sorrow. <span style="font-style: italic;">I just dont want to hurt anymore.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span></span><br />How
the hell can I feel completely at home, yet absolutely lost, at the
same time? Thats how I feel around Bryan. I need to stop, stop seeing
him, just stop talking to him completely, disappear from his life
abruptly and never come back. I want to do this so bad but I CANT, I
cant do it when I live right here. I have a weakness for him that I dont
understand. Ive always been strong, but when it comes to him I cant
resist anything. Why? I wish I didnt love him. I really wish I didnt. I
cant stand sitting here worrying about whether or not hes with someone
else. Theres nothing I can do about it, have no right to say anything
about it, but the thought of it makes me want to cry hysterically. I
keep waiting for this grief to end, or at least subside some, but it
hasnt. It keeps getting worse.<br /><br />I hope I sleep better tonight than last night. I really need to rest. I really do</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/235997682" rel="bookmark" title="Read It Goes On">It Goes On</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/angry.gif" />stressed</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
Just when I think I might have a grip on a little peace, a storm
blows in and upsets my life all over again. Im getting kind of sick of
it.<br /><br />I got Alexa's report card yesterday. Almost every grade was
failing. It has been like this for the last year. I have done everything
from talk to her teachers to sending her to school with forms to fill
out about her homework, to grounding her, to not grounding her and
trying to trust her, to taking away all her books...just everything.
Nothing works. She is rude, disrespectful, and I want to beat her
fucking ass because she knows what shes doing and she does not care. I
dont want to hear that its about Bryan and all the drama going on in my
life because although that does affect her, this has been going on
before I even knew Bryan. This attitude is a direct result of my dad and
his mouth. Hes next on my list to get it.<br /><br />Yesterday after I
informed her that I had her progress report and that she was grounded
JUST LIKE WE AGREED TO WHEN I DECIDED TO GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE, she
became very defiant. I asked her to begin cleaning out her room so she
started throwing things everywhere. I ignored it until she started
running her mouth and after I asked her repeatedly to just shut up and
do what she was told, since she knew it was coming anyway, she kept it
going and going. Ricky and Serra both intervened and asked her to stop
with her mouth and just do what she was told. I put up with this for
about fifteen minutes. Then, I asked her to clean her bathroom which is
part of her chores which she NEVER, EVER does unless I remind her and it
hasnt been done in over a month because lately I have not had the
energy to constantly remind her. She wandered around the house for
fifteen minutes, playing in the sink, and defiantly telling us that she
couldnt "find" something to clean with. We told her that if we could
find something to clean with so could she. This went on and on. I kept
telling her to go clean the bathroom, she kept standing there and
playing in the kitchen sink and telling me she couldnt find anything to
clean with. Finally, I got pissed and told her that if she was going to
act like that I didnt want to be around her.She took it upon herself to
go to my Dads without permission but he wasnt home,and when she came
back I told her that if she did not do what I asked her to do that I was
going to call the sheriffs department and have her taken away. I meant
it. I still mean it. She stopped running her mouth but she absolutely
refused to do anything I asked her. EVen though I took away all her
priviliges and all her electronics and all her games, she decided that
she was going to just go ahead and keep her IPod, even though she KNEW
she was supposed to give it to me. She ended up giving it back to me
last night, but she never did clean the bathroom. When my dad did get
home and she went over there, he was somehow under the impression that I
had kicked her out so he went off on her, ABOUT ME, and when she came
home and told me what he said I called him. As soon as the answering
machine came on and I started talking, he picked up the phone and
threatened to call the police on me. I pointed out to him that its funny
how he can make a judgment based on what she says but hes supposed to
be MY father and backing ME up, but instead hes sitting there telling my
daughter, "Your mother this, your mother that." No wonder she doesnt
fucking respect me. He hung up on me before I could get that out,
though. I shouldnt be surprised. My father the drunk likes to make
judgments about people. Like I said, hes next on my list to be told to
fuck off.<br /><br />And whats funny is that when I called my grandma later
on, she already knew about it because my dad called her. Called my 90
year old grandma for what? Hes so despicable. He has never cared about
me a day in my life, only about the dollar signs I can bring him. Now
that Im of no use to him, Ive been discarded and back to being regarded
as a big old piece of shit. How he can sit there and badmouth me to my
own kid is beyond me, especially when he knows the problems that have
been going on here. I can get Alexa to listen to me, but not after shes
just been fed full of shit. Isnt he supposed to support me and back me
up? All she does when she goes over there is watch TV. Hes sucked her
into his little fantasy world and shes the only one who cares about it
so hes latching on to her. It makes me very sick. When shes under
punishment, I still let her spend the night over there. I just found out
that when she goes over there, he "ungrounds" her because, as she put
it, he says, "Well, you didnt do it over here." Inconsistent.<br /><br />So
Im pretty pissed off right now. I went to bed kind of early and I was up
at six again. I just couldnt fall back asleep. I have so much on my
mind and I feel really stressed right now. <div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>MissJesterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01653100352182424436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17054006.post-2162958373139049002012-11-28T11:32:00.000-05:002012-11-28T11:32:45.657-05:00FEBRUARY 28, 2007<h4 class="post-title">
<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/235561290" rel="bookmark" title="Read Arrrgh">Arrrgh</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/angry.gif" />enraged</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
I am so pissed off right now. Its been a long time since Ive seen
420 AM unless Ive woken up from sleep. I havent been to bed yet.<br /><br />Today
Bryan got an email from Sarah and in it she dropped three names of
people who know him that he used to go to school with. She did this just
so she could get his attention, and it pisses me off. I know everyones
like, "So?" Well,she did it in a threatening way. Her email said, "Jane
Doe and Jill Smith and Mary Jones. Do those names ring a bell? They said
to tell you hi. lololol." I was so fucking mad, I swear. Bryan and I
started yelling at each other because the situation pissed me off so
bad. He hasnt spoken with her in over a week. He told her in my presence
(but she didnt know it) that he just thought it would be better if they
didnt speak any more. So now shes pulling the little games I predicted
she would pull, and I dont know why, but it enrages me. Its not like I
didnt know she was going to do it, but it really pisses me off that she
wants his attention THAT bad. STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE, YOU NASTY
DIRTY CUNT. I couldnt be more serious.<br /><br />Bryan and I are NOT
together. There is NO getting back together, but he is still in my life.
I know I need to let him learn his lesson about Sarah without getting
involved and all emotional, but its hard because every time she makes
contact with him its like shes making contact with ME and I HATE HER SO
MUCH that it feels like a scab being ripped off of a fresh wound, over
and over again. I didnt know it was possible to really dislike someone
as much as I dislike that bitch. After Bryan left, I just started
punching my wall. (I really need to seek out some kind of aggression
therapy, because I DO have a lot of anger right now and nowhere to put
it.) I was surprised to feel the wall give and then give and then give.
So now I have a hole in my wall the size of a fucking computer monitor,
with torn shreds of drywall hanging and exposed wood. There are bits and
pieces of drywall and shit all over my floor. My hand is sore and
swollen and very bruised, but I dont care. It could have been her fat
ugly face, and I could have been in jail instead. I can repair the wall.
I dont want a criminal record, on top of being insane. LOL!<br /><br />Anyway,
Im going to smoke some weed now. The last few days have been pretty
good for me. Im going to try and not let tonight ruin it. Thats why Im
going to smoke this bowl and go to bed and try to have some fucking
hope.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>MissJesterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01653100352182424436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17054006.post-11877879764826953132012-11-28T11:30:00.000-05:002012-11-28T11:30:16.219-05:00FEBRUARY 25, 2007<h4 class="post-title">
<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/234643639" rel="bookmark" title="Read Contentment">Contentment</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/tired.gif" />peaceful</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
Today, I took a nap. Something about that nap completely erased my
stress. I woke up and felt so much better. Serra and I went to church
with Kristi and Mike and the service was wonderful. Lots of energy was
flowing, the music was loud and happy, and it felt good to be spending
time with good friends and family. At this moment, I am content and feel
peaceful, even loving, toward everyone. It feels so good to feel this
way that I must have forgotten what normal people feel like. I even
called Bryan when we left church and took him some medicine, as he has
been struck down with some mysterious illness that has made him very
sick, too sick to do anything but sleep and sweat. I swear I dont have
anything to do with it, so no one BETTER suggest it. LOL! He became sick
immediately after our conversation about the text messages, though.
Maybe God DOES work in mysterious ways.<br /><br />I just wanted to write
this down to document how I feel today, because I know Im probably going
to have more shitty days ahead. I want this to remind me that things
CAN get better, and that I AM healing, slow as it may be. I refuse to
lose any more faith in myself.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>MissJesterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01653100352182424436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17054006.post-56144012515397749592012-11-28T11:28:00.000-05:002012-11-28T11:28:01.827-05:00FEBRUARY 25, 2007<h4 class="post-title">
<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/234393288" rel="bookmark" title="Read Fun with Sondra">Fun with Sondra</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/scared.gif" />distressed</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
I woke up this morning feeling like I was on the strongest crack. My
stomach was tied up in knots, I was hot and sweaty, I couldnt lie
still, and I felt like I was on the verge of hysterical tears. Of
course, no one was up yet, so I flipped through the channels on the TV. I
dont really watch TV anymore and I censor everything I hear and watch,
because Im trying to avoid anything that will cause me any more
heartache. I kept feeling like there was a rock in my stomach, and I sat
here thinking about Bryan and our relationship. I cannot describe how
much it hurts to love someone with every piece of yourself, only to find
out that everything about this person is a fucking lie. And he will
never let me say what I have to say about it, because to him, my
feelings are unimportant. No wonder I am always so balled up and sick
inside. I have all these emotions and feelings about things that I want
to share with him but I know if I do the only thing to come out of it
will be a nasty argument, or worse, hell turn it around on me and Ill
end up apologizing, which is the way this relationship has went for a
long time. It is NO wonder that I am as anxious and panicky as I am.<br /><br />I
laid in bed for a while, thinking about things, and then I had to go to
the bathroom to be sick. I wasnt sure why I was getting sick, but I was
heaving hard enough to projectile vomit all the way to Cincinnati.
Thats not a fun feeling. I was laying on the bathroom floor, sweating
and drooling uncontrollably, with my head resting against the cool part
of the porcelain. And when it felt like it was coming up, my whole body
would lurch forward violently. It kind of scared me. I forced myself to
breathe (because I hate throwing up) and then I dragged myself back to
my bed where I just lay there. Such is my day. So Im going to sit around
all day trying not to throw up....or cry. Sounds like a fun existence.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>MissJesterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01653100352182424436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17054006.post-79118735071868638452012-11-28T11:25:00.000-05:002012-11-28T11:25:51.092-05:00FEBRUARY 24, 2007<h4 class="post-title">
<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/234237302" rel="bookmark" title="Read Surprise, Sondra! Your whole life has been a LIE!">Surprise, Sondra! Your whole life has been a LIE!</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/indescribable.gif" />indescribable</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
Well, last night I got the surprise of my life.<br /><br />Bryan
returned his phone to me, the one I shut off. We spent a day together,
it went well, we got some talking done. Its a given that this
relationship is not going to work, we both know that, but weve both
always enjoyed our friendship and we decided to try and maintain that.
The day that he was here he even got involved in the middle of a "family
discussion" and everyone was impressed that he cared as much as he did.
That night, he even began crying to me about a lot of things that he
keeps bottled up, and I comforted him. I felt more at peace, because it
no longer seemed so bad. My cousin was out of the picture, and it looked
like things might actually heal.<br /><br />Last night, I sat down and
because I was curious, I decided to look through his phone. He deleted
everything...his call list, his pictures, everything. But he forgot to
delete his text messages. I sat there and read through every single one
of them, and I learned a lot. A LOT.<br /><br />I learned that he had been
texting someone named Wendy and had even went out with her at least once
while he was living with me. He sent her several messages on New Years
Eve night, the night he decided to be an asshole to me in front of our
company so I went to bed early to avoid a fight. He was texting her to
ask if she wanted to go out the following Friday. He told her that he
enjoyed spending time with her and that he wanted to do it again soon.
This has been going on since the beginning of December, at least. He
also text messaged back and forth with someone named Amanda. I also
found a message that he had sent to my cousin saying that he thought
they should just be friends, that it had nothing to do with me, that he
had just been doing a lot of thinking.<br /><br />I was shocked. I NEVER
thought anything like that was going on. To make a long story short, I
ended up asking him about it over the phone. I just simply asked who
Wendy was. There was a long moment of silence, and then he said, "What?"
LOL Later on, he told me she was a friend from school, which is another
lie because in one of the messages he sent her he said, "Oh youre 26, I
thought you were 22 but thats cool." Who does he think hes talking to? I
pointed out to him that if she was just a friend then I would know who
she was. I had never ever heard of a Wendy. Hes such a fucking liar.
After I called him on his bullshit, he got frustrated and stated that he
wasnt going to let ME ruin HIS night (imagine that!) so he hung up on
me. I sat here and cried, yes, and I freaked out, yes, but mostly from
the shock of it. I stupidly trusted him. I HAD NO IDEA. And it really
pissed Ricky and Serra off because hes coming over here and acting like
hes part of the family. I mean to tell you, everyone that knows US is
shocked. I feel sick to my stomach to know that everything I thought was
true was a lie. I have never felt so emotionally abused in my life. And
this comes just a day or so after he sat here in my room and cried to
me about how no one has ever made him feel as good about himself as I
do, and that he really loves me. Real tears, seemingly true emotions.
All fake. Everything is one big lie. Hes been sneaking around behind my
back for months. And he probably fucked my cousin too, on the night that
they both turned off their phones after she picked him up from the side
of the road, while I sat here bleeding and crying. Un fucking
believeable.<br /><br />Hes only called me once, and I picked up the phone
and said that I had nothing left to say, were done talking, its over.
Then I hung up without waiting for a response. The Bryan I thought I
loved is not the Bryan that he really is, and I cant tell you how
heartbreaking that is. All these times that Ive apologized and groveled
and sought help for my anxiety and depression and all along he knew he
was doing me wrong but he still allowed me to take most of the blame for
the failure of our relationship, when in fact, it was never a real
relationship in the first place.I cant stop thinking about it, but I
almost feel relieved in a way that everything was a lie. I guess that
makes it easier for me to move on than it would if this was a real
relationship breaking up even though two people mutually love each
other. I can no longer delude myself that this is what this is. He does
not love me. He never has. I let myself think that he did because I
loved him so much. I threw my life away for this person and now I must
reconcile that. And it will be a long, long, long, long, time before I
even think about trusting someone again. I dont know that I ever will. I
have never been betrayed this way.<br /><br />So, theres my great news.
Whoop dee doo, right? I may finally get to have the mental breakdown
thats been threatening to come for weeks. Its all right though, if I do
break down, because then I can push all the negativity out with crying
and anger and all that, and then I will feel redeemed. He will never
listen to anything I have to say so I must find another way to express
myself. I did call his sister today to give her a brief overview. She
said, "You're <span style="font-style: italic;">kiiiidddiiiiing," </span>in
total and utter disbelief. After we hung up she called me back and
said, "I just want to let you know that I know youre upset and
everything, but let him be someone elses problem. Just let him be
someone elses problem now." Very sound advice, I think.<br /><br />So, I am
sitting here trying to relax. I am so used to feeling shattered like
this that I swear its not even affecting me any more. I feel almost
relieved. Its weird<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/233248406" rel="bookmark" title="Read Sleep">Sleep</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/happy.gif" />calm</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
Well, this morning I feel better. My nephew and his girlfriend are
here, which eases my mind so much. I now have a baby to love on. Alexa
doesnt let me love on her anymore, so since babies are defenseless
against mad cuddling, shes going to get it. As soon as she gets up.<br /><br />I slept solidly through the night and woke up not as anxious. Thats a nice feeling. I hope it continues.<br /><br />Today
I have some little errands to run, so I am looking forward to everyone
getting up. Its look for a job time! I feel so much better right now.<br /><br />Im
off to go relax until everyone gets up. My back hurts for some reason,
and Im going to turn the massage on my bed and just lay there for a
while. It REALLY hurts, right in the area of my right kidney. I know I
dont have an infection because all I drink is ice water and unsweetened
tea and I pee constantly, so I dont know what it could be. I could have
just slept on it wrong. Ouch.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/232844074" rel="bookmark" title="Read Random">Random</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/scared.gif" />anxious</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
Let me tell you how I feel about therapy and church, two things that keep coming up in conversation.<br /><br />Therapy
is a wonderful thing and I wholeheartedly believe it works for people
who truly want to get better. They used desensitization therapy to get
me over my anxiety, and while its not completely cured, it sure is a lot
better. I havent been treated for depression in a long time, because it
hasnt been a problem, until now. I feel like therapy cannot help my
current situation, because my depression is situational and not a
chemical imbalance. So is the anxiety, actually. I am so anxious right
now that I am shaking like Im cold and I feel like Im going to throw up.
This is normal in the mornings, but this morning is pretty bad.<br /><br />Now,
as for church. I believe in God, but not in the passionate, fervent way
that I should. I guess Im waiting for something to believe in. Everyone
wants to me praise God and thank him for my life, but what exactly am I
supposed to be thankful for? My life has been nothing but a nightmare
with a few periods of peace in between. In order for me to be thankful, I
have to compare myself to someone elses shitty life and say to myself,
"Oh, well, praise God because at least I dont have it as bad as HER."
This doesnt work for me. Like I said, I believe in God, but right now, I
am waiting for some kind of sign, something that shows me its not all
bullshit. Going to church with Kristi and Mike was a huge help but I
left there still wondering. <br /><br />My family will be here today. I cant
believe how much this drama has touched everyones life. I cant believe
how ANXIOUS I am. I cant believe I really feel this way. I cant believe
that the person I thought Bryan was isnt the person that he is at all. I
just feel sick. <div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/232631709" rel="bookmark" title="Read Hmmmmmmmmm">Hmmmmmmmmm</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/scared.gif" />anxious</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
I am so anxious and bored right now that I decided to look up my
horoscope. I was sitting here smoking (heh heh) and feeling pretty
mellow. I went to Yahoo and then to the horoscopes section. I found the
link for Taurus and I clicked it. The page came up, and as I read, I
could feel my draw dropping a little more each second.<br /><br />It read:<br /><br /><b class="yastshdotxt" style="font-style: italic;">Quickie:</b><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;">Don't rush right out and make a purchase. You owe it to yourself to shop around.</span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><br style="font-style: italic;" /> <b class="yastshdotxt" style="font-style: italic;">Overview:</b><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;">Fresh
starts only happen when old situations are finally put to rest. It may
be difficult to let this come to a conclusion, but it's necessary if you
want to move on with your life. Breathe. Learn to accept reality</span>.<br /><br />Blink, blink. Blink. <br /><br />"Learn to accept reality." <span style="font-weight: bold;">"Learn to accept reality."<br /><br />"LEARN TO ACCEPT REALITY, ASSHOLE."</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>MissJesterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01653100352182424436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17054006.post-3250007951418563042012-11-28T11:12:00.002-05:002012-11-28T11:12:44.163-05:00FEBRUARY 20, 2007<h4 class="post-title">
<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/232453865" rel="bookmark" title="Read Clarity">Clarity</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/happy.gif" />calm</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
When I woke up this morning at my usual six something, I felt a
little different. I wasnt depressed, strangely enough, but I was ANXIOUS
as HELL. I got up, paced around my room, smoked a cigarette, sat down,
stood back up, rubbed my arms until they were raw, and twisted half my
entire head of hair off. Now, Im finally starting to calm down. (I am
trying to stop smoking weed, so when I get panic attacks or feel anxious
I try to work through it. This morning, though, I HAD to smoke.)<br /><br />Im
anxious for a lot of reasons. One, I hate to admit it but you all know
its true...I really want an apology from Bryan. And I also have to admit
that it makes me feel better to know that even HIS people are taking my
side. I am so glad that other poeple are seeing the situation for what
it is.<br /><br />Im mostly anxious because I have company coming to visit
from Florida. Truthfully, they are coming to save my ass. I cant wait to
see them. They would like to see Bryan and talk to him about whats
going on, and so far, we have tentative plans for the five of us to sit
around and "talk." Bryan thinks this means we are going to just talk
about our relationship, but what he doesnt know is that this is a
planned ATTACK. I know everyones going to say, "Oh Sondra, why dont you
leave it alone? Just never talk to him again, etc." Now listen! I didnt
say I was going to be buddy buddy with him, but I do want to hear what
he has to say and I also would like to see the look on his face when he
realizes that we are all here for the same reason, and thats because,
well, SARAH IS A SKANK. I want a very public, very honest, very
heartfelt apology. It will make me feel better. I know I shouldnt give a
fuck, but I do. So shoot me.<br /><br />Im off to go lay back down for a
little bit, maybe a half hour. Im starting to relax now. Then Im going
to get up and get ready and go register for the HUC class like I was
supposed to yesterday but I couldnt do it because the school was closed.
Then, Im going to come home and clean. Im trying to stay busy, trying
to stay busy...<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>MissJesterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01653100352182424436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17054006.post-20755806607304503782012-11-28T11:11:00.002-05:002012-11-28T11:11:38.957-05:00FEBRUARY 19, 2007<h4 class="post-title">
<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/232329555" rel="bookmark" title="Read Reckonings">Reckonings</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/happy.gif" />content</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
Well, the shit hit the fan today. Dave and Bryan ended up getting
into an argument over the way hes been treating me. Then Bryans mom got
involved, agreeing with Dave and asking Bryan what the hell is wrong
with him. Dave was over here visiting me (he actually came over to drop
off some stuff to me) and Bryan was furious. He actually had the nerve
to call Dave DISLOYAL. DISLOYAL? After what hes done? Oh, Mr. Bryan
Bowailey, surely you jest.<br /><br />I also finally took Alexa shopping
today. I cant believe how big shes getting. I bought her a pair of jeans
off the clearance rack and when she put them on at home, she started
freaking out. "These are skinny jeans! Oh my GOD I HATE skinny jeans! I
HATE THEM!" I was like, "Well, all right Alexa. Calm down. Ill take them
back and get you some new jeans tomorrow. Sheesh." I didnt know what
the fuck she meant by skinny jeans until I noticed that the tag on them
said "skinny jeans." This mean that they are skin tight and straight
legged---kinda like the jeans I wore when I was her age, except I wore
mine stone washed with a rip in the knee and a huge, shapeless,
oversized sweatshirt. Sometimes the jeans would even have ZIPPERS up the
ankle. Hahahaha. Ugh.<br /><br />We were going to eat lunch out, too, but I
didnt feel too comfortable in the mall and Alexa and her friend Mollie
said that they wanted McDonalds, so I stopped at one on our way home.
After they got their food, and we were walking out, I listened to the
them giggle and was then shocked to hear Mollie say, "Alexa, that guy
was <span style="font-style: italic;">totally </span>looking at your butt."<br /><br />Heres
some other funny things I've seen and heard. When I was talking to my
grandmother on the phone on the subject of my recent "suicide" attempt,
she said, "Why didn't you just take the easy way out and throw yourself
into a river or something?" Without missing a beat I said, "Because,
Memo, I can swim."<br /><br />Tonight, while watching "I Love New York", Alexa said, "Oh my gosh, I cant believe she picked Chance over Boston. He's <span style="font-style: italic;">such </span>a <span style="font-style: italic;">fag</span>."
Of course, I said, "ALEXA! You know thats not acceptable, right?" But
inside, I was laughing...because I heard my kid say the word "fag." She
doesnt even say the word "sexy" around me because she feels like its a
bad word. LOL. <br /><br />And, I gotta hand it to her. Living with me can
NOT be easy. But shes done it for so long now, she knows how to manage.
Now that shes older, I am more honest with her about whats going on, so
she knows what to do. The other day, I was on the phone arguing loudly
with Bryan and pacing around my room. She came to my door to ask me
something and I pointed toward the door, indicating for her to leave.
She did, and when she closed the door behind her, I got so angry with
the conversation that I was having that I began to deliberately kick my
bedroom door...out. I kicked and kicked that motherfucker, until it
smashed through on the other side, and then fell to the floor in a limp
pile of wood, door frame and all. Alexa, without glancing up from her
book, sighed, and then said, "Nice job, Mom," with a perfect tone of
annoyance.<br /><br />And lastly, here is a perfect example of my daughters
extremely witty yet bitterly sarcastic sense of humor. One night, Bryan
and Alexa got into a debate over whether or not she was going to the
grocery store with us. She didnt want to go, we wanted her to go. She
dropped down dramatically on the floor and declared that she wasnt
moving from that spot. An argument then ensued about school, and how the
two of them got onto that subject I dont know, but this is how it went.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Bryan:</span>
Alexa, if you want to college, you have to finish school first. You
have to start getting good grades now if you want to go to college.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Alexa: </span>Uh, college <span style="font-style: italic;">is </span>school.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Bryan: </span>No it isnt. <br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Alexa: </span>Yes it is. When my Mom was going to school, she always said she was going to go to <span style="font-style: italic;">school, </span>or <span style="font-style: italic;">class, </span>not "college." She never said, "I'll see you when I get home from college."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Bryan: </span>Well,
so? That doesn't mean that its not called college. Your mom didnt
invent the English language. Maybe a LOT of people say they go to
college.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Alexa: </span><span style="font-style: italic;">What?</span> God, why dont <span style="font-style: italic;">you </span>go back to school?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Bryan: </span>Why dont <span style="font-style: italic;">you </span>go back to school?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Alexa: </span>(dead serious, dry tone) Uh, I can't go back to school right now. It's after eight o clock at night and the doors are locked.<br /><br />Thats my kid!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>MissJesterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01653100352182424436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17054006.post-91692958959868496192012-11-28T11:10:00.004-05:002012-11-28T11:10:38.317-05:00FEBRUARY 19, 2007<h4 class="post-title">
<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/232036028" rel="bookmark" title="Read Misery">Misery</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/crappy.gif" />depressed</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
I never heard from Bryan yesterday. I did talk to Dave briefly, but
not about the situation. I just feel sick this morning. I usually feel
terrible when I first get up and I cry and rage at the world for a
couple of hours. I cry, hug my pillows, and talk to myself. I feel like
Im losing my mind. Everything in this house reminds me of him. Its so
hard to sleep in this bed. Its hard to do anything.<br /><br />Yesterday I
was supposed to go to church with friends, but my friend Strom called me
and as soon as I heard his voice I started crying. He hightailed it
over here and took me to dinner. Thank God for him making me laugh. I
genuinely laughed for the first time. He went through a similar
situation when he went through a divorce just a few months ago. So he
can relate to the way I feel.<br /><br />This morning I got up and wrote
Bryan a letter. I told him that I love him but that there was no way I
could ever think of him the same after this, especially since I havent
heard an apology yet. I told him that right now, I might be down as low
as I can go, but soon, and I mean real soon, I am going to shine. Just
like I did when I moved to Florida. I can do it. I NEED to do it. I need
to be around people, doing something productive, instead of sitting in
this room and being miserable. As soon as I start to feel better, he is
going to meet the REAL Sondra. When he met me, I was at that point, but
shortly after, my life started going downhill. I refuse to blame Bryan
for that, but everyone who knows me keeps pointing out to me how
drastically bad my life has become in comparison to what it was a year
ago. I just threw my whole life away to concentrate on one person, and I
lost myself in the process. This is my opportunity to find myself
again, because the old Sondra may have cried and raged over this
situation too, but it wouldnt have defeated her. Right now, I feel
totally defeated. And that really pisses me off.<br /><br />My heart is so
broken. I am trying to stay social and busy but its hard because most of
my friends are his friends too, and they seem to be evenly divided into
two groups: Those That Want To Stay Out Of It, and Those Who Ignore Me.
This is killing me that no one else seems to think that this is wrong.<br /><br />Today,
my goal is to try and stay busy. I am taking Alexa shopping for
clothes, and then to lunch. Her friend is with us so it ought to be fun.
I just dont feel like laughing...and its hard to enjoy anything. I
havent actually ENJOYED anything in about a week or more. But Im going
to try, because anything is better than the way I feel right now.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>MissJesterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01653100352182424436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17054006.post-9519215385004174822012-11-28T11:10:00.000-05:002012-11-28T11:10:02.436-05:00FEBRUARY 18, 2007<h4 class="post-title">
<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/231618642" rel="bookmark" title="Read Trespasses">Trespasses</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/scared.gif" />anxious</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
Well, last night didnt go too bad at all. After I got done writing, I
did exactly what I said. I took some Nyquil, smoked a little, and was
just getting ready to doze off when my phone rang. It was so loud it
made me jump almost out of my skin. It was Dave, Bryans best friend. He
called me because he was present when Sarah picked up Bryans phone. He
told me that what she said was, "He cant talk to you right now, hes
putting a condom on." I didnt hear it because like I said in my other
entry, I hung up the phone as soon as I heard her voice. I never really
knew what it was that she said, but Dave AND Bryan both think I did,
apparently.<br /><br />Dave told me that he thought it was really fucked up
that she would do such a thing. He said he was so shocked he didnt even
know what to say. I guess he asked Bryan later, when they were alone, if
he was scared now. Bryan told him that he was. According to Dave, Bryan
was just as shocked and pissed off about it as Dave was. He said as
soon as Sarah hung up his phone, Bryan said, "What the FUCK?" Dave said
he didnt know what transpired from there, because he went somewhere
else, but his point in calling me was to tell me that hes always going
to be my friend, even if Bryan and I never talk to each other again. He
made it clear, of course, that Bryan will always be his boy, but that he
cares about me too and he would spend time with me regardless of what
Bryan thinks. I told him that his phone call would surely help me sleep
because it put my mind at ease a little bit to know that 1.) Bryan didnt
know that Sarah was going to do that and that he didnt put her up to it
and 2.) Im not going to lose Dave as a friend, because I really care
about him. Hes been SUCH a good friend to me. When I explained that I
had to remove him AND Bryans brother from my friends list on here
because I made my profile private, and I didnt want anyone to have
access to my page that didnt need it, he got really quiet for a second
and then said, "Well, THAT sucks." I explained I was doing it for my own
protection and peace of mind. He said he understood.<br /><br />So, after I
got off the phone, I went to sleep. And YES I did wake up at about 6
like I always do, but I laid back down and went right back to sleep. I
didnt get up again until 915. MAN that felt good. And while my heart is
still broken and I still feel the pain, it does help to know what
actually happened. I have not cried all day, but I have felt pretty
anxious. I guess thats understandable, considering the circumstances.
Dave told me that he would call me today, after he listened to me talk
about Sarah and her psychotic games. I have a feeling hes going to go to
Bryan with what I said, even though its stuff hes already heard, and
reinforce to him what a mess hes made of everything. What Im really
hoping for is a heartfelt apology from Bryan. I think thats whats making
me nervous, because I dont know if he will apologize for that. He
definitely should. It wont change my stand on things, but at least Ill
have the satisfaction of knowing that he does care enough about me to do
whats right. Of course, if he cared enough about me to do whats right
in the first place, he wouldnt be hanging out with her. Its driving me
crazy not to be able to talk to him, because I would really like to hear
what he has to say now. <br /><br />So, I feel lazy right now, so Im going
to lay around for a while, and then Im going to get up and clean. I have
let this house go to shit. LOL. Im sure Ill update later.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>MissJesterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01653100352182424436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17054006.post-49605566553788630442012-11-28T11:08:00.005-05:002012-11-28T11:08:52.435-05:00FEBRUARY 17, 2007<h4 class="post-title">
<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/231512848" rel="bookmark" title="Read Finality">Finality</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/crazy.gif" />crazy</div>
<br />Okay, heres an update.<br /><br />I made my page private because of
Bryan and my cousin Sarah. Suddenly, theyre allies, and both of them
have been lying to me and talking about me behind my back. A couple of
weeks ago, when I decided to invite Sarah back into our lives after
being estranged for about seven months, I warned him that she would be
very manipulative. I asked him not to go behind my back and do certain
things, because of the family history that I have with her. He agreed to
it, and now he is doing exactly the opposite. If he ever loved me at
all, he would not hurt me like this.<br /><br />Tonight he said he would do a
favor for me, and then I got an offer to go see my REAL cousin Andy. I
didnt want to get out to her house too late, so I called him to see what
time he would be home. He never answered. Now, this is a new game that
hes been playing since---once again---hes decided to sniff up Sarahs
ass. Finally, his phone picked up, and there was silence. Since I didnt
hear anything, I sat and listened. Then I was sure I heard Sarah's
voice, and then the phone hung up. I became quite hysterical and got in
the car and started driving around. Of course, I called him several more
times, but he didnt answer. Finally, the phone picked up and the first
thing I heard was Sarahs voice screaming. I didnt hear any words, just
screaming, and I IMMEDIATELY hit the end button on my phone. I pulled
off to the side of the road, shaking to the very core of myself. I
cannot even begin to describe the way I felt. Its too painful for me to
even sit here and write about it, because it brings it all back.<br /><br />Whew.<br /><br />Anyway,
guess what I did. Cried? Yup, a little bit. Not too much though. What I
did was immediately call Sprint and disconnect his phone. Then I called
his mother to explain. I left a message. Then I drove around some more,
stopped at the pharmacy and bought some NyQuil, and then came home.<br /><br />I
got on the computer, changed the name of my blogspot journal and made
it private, got on here, erased him from my friends list, and made this
page private also. If I could only share with you HALF the pain and rage
I feel right now. <br /><br />I would change my phone numbers, but when I
called to do that they wouldnt let me because I still owe on the bill.
He hasn't called me yet and that was three and a half hours ago or so.
Thats probably what he wanted from the very start. So the chances of him
calling me are slim. If he does call me, it will have to be from
someone else's phone.<br /><br />Im sitting here manifesting my rage in the
form of music. There is a song called "Love You More" by Eminem that
accurately describes our relationship. Actually, a few songs about the
relationship between Eminem and his wife really sound like me and Bryan.
Right now, I am used to it, but in a few weeks or whenever when I go
back and re read this, and see that I posted this song in reference to
our relationship, I'll be embarassed. But this is how I feel:<br /><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>"I Love You More"</b><br /><br /> <i>[Intro]</i><br /> You still love me?<br /> Take this. <i>[2 guns cock]</i><br /> You ready? 1.. 2.. 3! <i>[2 shots]</i><br /> <br /> <br /> The more you, put me through, <br /> The more it makes me wanna come back to you, <br /> You say you hate me, I just love you more, <br /> You don't want me, I just want you more, <br /> I buy you flowers, you throw 'em at me, <br /> I know it's sad but it's makin me happy, <br /> The more that you slap me, the more that it turns me on, <br /> Cuz you love me, and I love you more.<br /> <br /> <i>[Verse 1]</i><br /> It's sick, but who could ever predict,<br /> We'd be doin' the same shit,<br /> We say we do it for our baby but we don't,<br /> We do it for us, it's lust,<br /> Cuz neither one of us trusts each other,<br /> So we fuck 'til we bust,<br /> Then we cuss each other, out,<br /> We know what it's about,<br /> Shout 'til I throw you out the house,<br /> You throw me out the house,<br /> I throw you on the couch,<br /> Punch you in the mouth,<br /> Fist fight 'til we turn this mother OUT,<br /> And apologize after,<br /> Laughter, pain, it's insane,<br /> We're back in the same chapter again,<br /> And it's sad but it's true,<br /> When I'm layin' here with you,<br /> There ain't nothin' anyone could ever say ever do.<br /> <br /> </span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> The more you, put me through, <br /> The more it makes me wanna come back to you, <br /> You say you hate me, I just love you more, <br /> You don't want me, I just want you more, <br /> I buy you flowers, you throw 'em at me, <br /> I know it's sad but it's makin me happy, <br /> The more that you slap me, the more that it turns me on, <br /> Cuz you love me, and I love you more.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> <br /> <i>[Verse 2]</i><br /> Cuz I hate you, do you hate me?<br /> Good cuz you're so fuckin' beautiful when you're angry,<br /> It makes me wanna just take you,<br /> And just throw you on the bed,<br /> And fuck you like I don't even know you,<br /> You fuck other people, and I fuck other people,<br /> You a slut but I'm equal, I'm a mutt,<br /> We're both evil in our ways,<br /> But neither one of us would ever admit it,<br /> Cuz one of us would have one up on the other,<br /> So forget it,<br /> We can make accusations, people spread rumors,<br /> But they ain't got proof,<br /> 'Til they do it's just the two of us,<br /> It's you and me, cuz any chick can say that she's screwin' me,<br /> But you gotta believe me to a degree,<br /> Cuz if you didn't I wouldn't be hittin' it,<br /> Yeah I would cuz the sex is too damn good,<br /> If I ran who would I run to,<br /> That would be this soft and warm,<br /> So it's off and on, usually more off than on,<br /> But at least we know that we share this common bond,<br /> You're the only one I can fuck without a condom on,<br /> I hope, the only reason that I cope,<br /> Is cuz of that fact,<br /> And plus I can bust in that,<br /> And that's why...<br /> <br /> </span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> The more you, put me through, <br /> The more it makes me wanna come back to you, <br /> You say you hate me, I just love you more, <br /> You don't want me, I just want you more, <br /> I buy you flowers, you throw 'em at me, <br /> I know it's sad but it's makin me happy, <br /> The more that you slap me, the more that it turns me on, <br /> Cuz you love me, and I love you more.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> <br /> <i>[Verse 3]</i><br /> I could never understand it,<br /> That's why I don't try,<br /> From junior high until we both die,<br /> It's silly oh why must we try,<br /> Is it really so rough,<br /> That we must always call each other's billy goat's gruff,<br /> Try to pull each other's legs,<br /> Until the other begs,<br /> We're liein' to ourselves,<br /> That's the beauty of it yeah,<br /> Cuz we truly love each other,<br /> That's why we always fight,<br /> And all we do is shove each other,<br /> Every other fuckin' night,<br /> And it's clear it ain't gonna change,<br /> It's pent up rage,<br /> We both have,<br /> We both feel like we've been upstaged by someone else,<br /> We've both been,<br /> Someone else's someone else,<br /> Problem is neither one wants help,<br /> It's an addiction and it can't be fixed,<br /> Our family's mixed up,<br /> There's a baby sister in the mix,<br /> And it hurts cuz the pieces to the puzzle don't fit,<br /> And anybody who thinks they know us doesn't know SHIT,<br /> And they're probably just tired of hearin' it all the time,<br /> On every song, every lyric, and every rhyme,<br /> All the hoopla, all of the whoopdy whoop,<br /> What you put me through, fuckin' whoopdy doo,<br /> But I won't be made a fool of,<br /> If this is true love,<br /> You wouldn't do what,<br /> You did last time,<br /> You wouldn't screw up,<br /> This time,<br /> Cuz this time girl,<br /> I'm tellin you what,<br /> You do it again I'm fuckin you up,<br /> No matter what...<br /> <br /> <i>[Bridge]</i><br /> What you say, what you do,<br /> I'ma hunt you down 'til I find you,<br /> No matter where you run, I'll be right there,<br /> Right behind you, in your nightmares,<br /> All the flowers, and the candy,<br /> All the times that you threw it back at me,<br /> You told me you hate me, you gon' hate me more,<br /> When you find out, can't escape me whore.<br /> <br /> </span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> The more you, put me through, <br /> The more it makes me wanna come back to you, <br /> You say you hate me, I just love you more, <br /> You don't want me, I just want you more, <br /> I buy you flowers, you throw 'em at me, <br /> I know it's sad but it's makin me happy, <br /> The more that you slap me, the more that it turns me on, <br /> Cuz you love me, and I love you more.</span></span><br /> <br /><br />So,
tonight is going to be rough. I am all alone, which is nothing new
these days. Sometimes I feel numb, sometimes I cannot stand the way I
feel at all. I havent been sleeping well because any time anything wakes
me up, Im up. I cant go back to sleep because Im reminded of everything
in a sudden rush of pain and sorrow. Thats what the Nyquil is for. I am
BOUND and DETERMINED to sleep well tonight. I have nothing more to
worry about. There is no more "what if" or "maybe". There will be no
more Sondra and Bryan, whether it be friendship or otherwise. God DAMN I
cannot tell you all how much that hurts, because we have an AWESOME
friendship. Our relationship was troubled, but our friendship was very
solid. Or at least I thought so. Evidently, it wasnt. <br /><br />Even some
of his friends are confused. My friends that know both of us are
confused. Everyone is confused and baffled and bewildered. It is nice to
know that I am not the only one sitting here blinking my eyes in shock.
I just hope he realizes someday what he lost.<br /><br />As for Sarah...I
cant put into writing what I really want to say, but I just hope our
paths never cross. Ever. I would talk to Bryan again before Id ever talk
to her again. I hope I never, ever see her again. I told my grandma
today to never call me if anything bad happened to Sarah. I dont care. I
dont want to hear it. The only time I want a phone call on her behalf
is if shes dead so I can go spit on her grave. Piece of shit
backstabbing lying manipulative crazy fucking bitch. <br /><br />So Im going
to attempt to get ready for bed now, which means getting comfortable,
trying to smoke some weed, and downing that Nyquil for extra insurance.
Wish me luck.<br />
<br />
<a class="msProfileTextLink" href="http://www.myspace.com/crazycatlady15" title="Angela Glowacki">Angela Glowacki</a> <br />
<strong><em><span style="color: red;">OK.
I am confused. You said that you heard Sarah screaming? Like in pain,
anger, or throws of passion? If is the throws of passion...let me say
this...And, Sondra, this is nothing new to you. We had this
conversation once before.......Bryan is a BOY. He wants a MOMMY. And
since he is a BOY, he is going to sniff around any bitch that will give
him half a chance at it. And since you knew you couldn't trust Sarah,
then you shouldn't be that shocked. But, I am glad that you are moving
on from this fiasco. He was toxic for you and your daughter. AND he
was dangerous to have around you and your daughter... in many ways.
But, I am concerned you are already talking about how you would still
talk to him and that you are still waiting for him to call. CUT him
OUT! Cut all contact. If you don't, you will be swept right back in
and then you will still be in this vicious circle that you have been in
since you met him. Concentrate on your daughter and get yourself some
SERIOUS help. I love you, but I will do something to protect her if you
don't. I mean it. It is not a threat- as one person who was abused to
another- you should undersand my point of view- and some day you might
thank me for it. Please, please, for the love of God and your child-
get some help and cut that loser out of your lives- for good!</span></em></strong><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/231121220" rel="bookmark" title="Read Considerations">Considerations</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/apathetic.gif" />melancholy</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
Im just sitting here thinking right now. Im pretty mellow but still
very, very sad. And oh my God, I am so lonely right now. LOL. There is
nothing to do, no one to talk to, and I am beside myself. And that
fuckin possum is STILL trying to break through my bathroom cabinets.<br /><br />I
am really pissed off right now. For a couple of reasons. For one, I had
to let someone go out of my life today. Someone who was only making
things worse for me. Thats always hard, but its easier than I thought it
would be. For one thing, I ve been through similar situations with her
before. For another, its just time. Simply put, the time has finally
come for me to stick up for myself.<br /><br />Also, I got told off today by
my nephews exgirlfriends new husband. That shit hurt my feelings. I
have always been really good to her, and I raised her son, who is my
great nephew, like he was my own. She and I have always gotten along but
she left and took her son with her and none of us have seen her. She
had her reasons and Im not going to go into them on here. I have been
calling and leaving messages, because I saw her a couple of months ago
and she gave me her number, but we have yet to actually talk. So tonight
I decided to call, Ive called once a month since Ive had the number,
and THIS motherfucker gets on the phone and starts talking about how Im
ruining their lives or some such shit and I stayed calm and tried to be
reasonable, because he HAS been raising my great nephew and he IS her
husband and I understand him being worried about any problems taking
place. He kept hanging up on me and I kept trying to be reasonable.
Finally, I quit calling back. Fuck it. It hurt my feelings, and I feel
like Im in a shitstorm right now, but what can I do about it? Fuck that
motherfucker, anyways. Hes lucky I dont drive down there and whoop his
ass for talking to me like that. I dont know who he thinks he is, but he
better step lightly around me. Im crazy, remember?<br /><br />Im tired, but
I am SO scared that if I go to bed this early, Ill be up at 4 AM. Once I
wake up, Im up. I dont want any more of that torture. I wonder when
that is going to stop? I did NOT cry this morning, for the first time in
about a week, but I did choke up a little this afternoon. God, I hate
mornings. I HATE falling asleep. I REALLY HATE waking up. When I first
wake up, my first thought is usually, <span style="font-style: italic;">no no no no its still dark out </span>and
then I just have to look at the clock. By the time I see what time it
is, my heart gets hit with a sudden rush and everything comes flooding
back to me. I lay there and try to ignore it, try to fight it, but
usually the thoughts in my hea djust get louder until I decide I need a
cigarette and I get up and smoke and pace. Theres no way I can sleep
through those kinds of feelings. And not only do I have to go through
that, but I also have to worry about that fucking possum.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>MissJesterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01653100352182424436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17054006.post-69273646900556710982012-11-28T11:06:00.003-05:002012-11-28T11:06:42.671-05:00FEBRUARY 15, 2007<h4 class="post-title">
<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/230426566" rel="bookmark" title="Read Disconnect">Disconnect</a></h4>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/apathetic.gif" />lonely</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
I feel disconnected. Ive felt that way for a while now. I am sick of
this routine I am in:: go to sleep sometime before 1 AM, and up usually
by 7. Once I wake up in the night, I dont go back to sleep. Alexa tries
not to wake me up in the mornings, but I dont mind when she does. I
havent been wanting her to go to school because I am so terrified of
being alone, but every morning is the same. She leaves and I sit here
and wander around the house crying. I pick up the phone to call him,
put it down. Cry some more, pick up the phone, put it down. Usually
around ten or so I stop crying and just sit here like a zombie. Ill make
phone calls, just to talk so I dont feel lonely.<br /><br />When I wake up,
its like being hit by a freight train. Everything comes rushing back
and I sit here and wonder why. I cant eat either. Last night I went to
church with some friends and for about an hour and half, I felt peace.
As soon as I got home, though,that changed. This house is suddenly so
empty and lonely, I cant stand it. I avoid his side of the bed
completely, and I think I might put a TV in the living room so I can
sleep out there. I havent watched TV in days but it is always on, just
for the sound. The loneliness is unbearable. I am going to call someone
today and find out if I can either get back into the treatment program I
was in or something else, because I cant sit here all day with this on
my mind. Its not so much that I want to die. I just want the pain to
stop. And most of all, I really dont understand why we are where we are.
I cant take it. I wish I had someone to come stay with me, because I DO
NOT WANT BE ALONE. <div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>MissJesterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01653100352182424436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17054006.post-5342423736403583692012-11-28T11:00:00.001-05:002012-11-28T11:00:55.525-05:00FEBRUARY 12, 2007<h2 class="post-title">
Improvements</h2>
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/anxious.gif" />hopeful</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
I feel better today. Actually, I got up and started cleaning my
house, which desperately needs it. I always wake up shaking and nervous
and fighting off waves of nausea, so I figured I could do something with
all that shakiness and expend some energy in a positive way.<br /><br />Its snowing like hell, were supposed to get a few inches. How cozy.<br /><br />I
drank a little last night and had a good time, but when I woke up this
morning I felt seriously dehydrated. I didnt sleep well, which I
normally do, so every time I woke up I wandered out to the kitchen and
sucked down a bottle of water. Now, I am brewing some iced tea and Ive
already drank half the pitcher. What Im scared of now is throwing up.
The last time I drank and woke up thirsty as hell, I drank so much water
and tea that I eventually had to fucking puke. Not because of the
alcohol, I dont think, but because all that water and tea sat right on
top of the alcohol, which wasnt agreeing with me anyway, and it just all
came up. I'm avoiding that today.<br /><br />I want to be dressed and ready
by noon, so Im going to go back to cleaning. I just wanted to make sure
that everyone who reads this knows Im feeling better. (I love you
Kristi. You know why. Thank you.)<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>MissJesterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01653100352182424436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17054006.post-80107377729374974812012-11-28T10:59:00.002-05:002012-11-28T10:59:35.701-05:00FEBRUARY 11, 2007<h4 class="post-title">
<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/228687784" rel="bookmark" title="Read Terror">Terror</a></h4>
<article class="post-body">
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/cold.gif" />crushed</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
I woke up about an hour ago. I seem to have no trouble falling
asleep but when I wake up, I have anxiety attacks almost every morning. I
do not know why. Usually, when I wake up like trhis, Bryan senses it
before I am fully awake and he knows Im going to be thrashing around and
rubbing my arms and gritting my teeth and shaking, so usually he will
just rub my back quietly and talk to me and hold me if I need him to. <br />
Well, I woke up this morning and I felt like someone punched me in
the chest. I thrashed around and felt myself shaking and out of habit, I
scooted closer to his side of the bed. When I felt nothing but empty
blanket, it suddenly and painfully dawned on me that he isnt here and I
DONT KNOW WHY. This increased my level of anxiety and I sat up, hugged
my knees, and cried. I cried and cried and cried. I cried loud and hard
and without tissue. (Alexa is at her grandpas so I am all alone and can
do that). I feel like I am in the middle of a nightmare from which I am
never going to wake up. My life is a nightmare.<br />
Last night, when Bryan came to get his stuff, I locked myself in the
bathroom and did the same thing, except I wasnt loud. I had my hand
jammed in my mouth to keep from screaming while I heard him rummaging
around in the closet for his things. I prayed and begged God to listen
to me for once in my sorry life, that I dont want to lose him, please
dont take him away from me. Hes all I have and hes all I know, and hes
been with me and a part of me for so long. Hes had my back when no one
else would and he ALWAYS takes care of me when I need need him to, just
like I ve taken care of him. Ive dealt with so much loss in my life that
I KNOW I cant bear this one. And I still dont even know why this is
happening. Everything that we said we were going to do the last time we
broke up, weve both been doing. We hit a few bumps in the road, which is
to be expected with a couple like us, but they werent big bumps. And we
overcame them on our own and we communicated very well about everything
and we even talked about how much weve learned from one another since
that experience. And now, over an argument whether or not he should go
out drinking, hes gone. Over nothing. He says he has to do it for
himself.<br />
Last night, I wouldnt let him in the bathroom right away to get his
stuff out of there because I didnt want him to see me crying. He got
pissed off and just left me there, and after I heard the front door
close, I collapsed. After I cried forever, I came out of the bathroom
and on the bed was a note he had written. It said, "I just need some
time. I still love you. Bryan." I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.<br />
I dont have time. My state of mental health is in serious crisis. I
can honestly say that I dont give a fuck anymore. I am tired, tired,
tired of the struggle. I must be an awful person and I just dont realize
it or something. Everyone always leaves me. I cannot cope with anymore
loss. I cannot cope with this. <br />
</article><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>MissJesterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01653100352182424436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17054006.post-30858641766640171512012-11-28T10:58:00.002-05:002012-11-28T10:58:47.468-05:00FEBRUARY 10, 2007<h4 class="post-title">
<a href="http://www.myspace.com/littlemissflint/blog/228605090" rel="bookmark" title="Read Moods">Moods</a></h4>
<article class="post-body">
<div class="mood">
Current mood:<img src="http://x.myspacecdn.com/images/blog/moods/iBrads/sleepy.gif" />sleepy</div>
<div class="mood">
<br /></div>
As I sit here smoking my pipe and drinking my beer, I had a
sudden, random thought. A song popped into my head just now that
describes exactly how I feel today. It describes how I've been feeling
for the last couple of months.<br />
<em>Never Hunger <br />Never Prosper<br />I Have Fallen Prey to Failure <br />Struggle Within <br />Triggered Again <br />Now the Candle Burns at Both Ends <br />Twisting under Schizophrenia <br />Falling Deep into Dementia <br /><br />Old Habits Reappear <br />Fighting the Fear of Fear <br />Growing Conspiracy <br />Everyone's after Me <br />Frayed Ends of Sanity <br />Hear Them Calling <br />Hear Them Calling Me <br /><br />Birth of Terror <br />Death of Much More<br />I'm the Slave of Fear,my Captor <br />Never Warnings <br />Spreading its Wings <br />As I Wait for the Horror She Brings <br />Loss of Interest,question,wonder <br />Waves of Fear They Pull Me under <br /><br />Old Habits Reappear <br />Fighting the Fear of Fear <br />Growing Conspiracy <br />Everyone's after Me <br />Frayed Ends of Sanity <br />Hear Them Calling <br />Hear Them Calling Me <br /><br />Into Ruin <br />I Am Sinking <br />Hostage of this Nameless Feeling <br />Hell Is Set Free <br />Flooded I'll Be <br />Feel the Undertow Inside Me <br />Height,hell,time,haste,terror,tension <br />Life,death,want,waste,mass Depression <br /><br />Old Habbits Reappear <br />Fighting the Fear of Fear <br />Growing Conspiracy <br />Myself Is after Me <br />Frayed Ends of Sanity <br />Hear Them Calling <br />Frayed Ends of Sanity <br />Hear Them Calling <br />Hear Them Calling Me<br /><br /></em><br />
Isnt that such a LOVELY ballad? It pretty much describes the way I
feel about my life. I couldn't be more down than I am right now. Mr.
Bowailey left me again today after a fight we had last night, in which
he insisted on going out and partying after doing that last weekend
and coming home Saturday night and fighting with me. When he threw a fit
about going out last night, I couldnt believe it, and it turned into an
argument. As it turns out, I kicked him out of my car and his friend
came and got him. I went to sleep last night thinking all would be okay
this morning, but no. He actually decided hes going to leave me
again. He says he has to do this "for him." For him? If people only knew
the half of what this relationship has really been like...the half you
know about is the wonderful, loving, sometimes stressful but always
together half. We have another half that is vicious and mean and cold.
This is the half that I dont write about, but its the same half that
always brings us to the point where we are now. And I'm stoned and in
the mood for honesty, so Im going to just tell it like it is.<br />
Bryan and I love each other very much, of that there is no doubt. And
he has grown and matured and changed in so many ways since Ive known
him. Our good side is powerful, loving, loyal, and strong. But the mean
side of us leads to things like physical, verbal, and mental abuse. Both
of us have been victims of all these types of abuse from each other. I
will admit that I normally slap him first, and that I say very, very
mean things when Im angry. Its a response that I have to learn to
control, and I am doing very well at it. But, in the last four weeks, I
have been: slapped more than once, been spit on, been called a fat
bitch, been told, "No wonder nobody loves you!", had garbage dumped on
me, and punched in the face twice. In the last few months I acquired a
pretty nasty tailbone injury from a fall I took when Bryan pushed me in
the kitchen one day when we were arguing and I threw my phone at him. (I
missed.) I came crashing down to the floor right on top of my tailbone.
This pain is almost unbearable. I have daily headaches caused by the
damage he did to the bridge of my nose when he punched me. Yesterday, he
hit me in the eye pretty hard but not nearly hard enough. There is a
small bruise from the corner of my eye to my eyelid, but if you didnt
know it was there you wouldnt even see it. I have had large bruises on
my legs from being kicked in retalitation. Ive had my hair pulled, Ive
been choked almost to the point of passing out, and Ive even had my face
slammed on the counter while my hands were being held behind my back.<br />
Bryan has been told he is worthless, that he is a low life piece of
shit, that hes a loser, that hes some other horrible names I wont
repeat. Ive said really terrible and totally untrue things about his
family, to his face. I have even abused him using things from his past.
Hes been slapped, punched, kicked, and spit on, too. And these are the
things that are defeating what would be, should be, a normal and healthy
functioning relationship.We have so many strengths, and so much
passion, Jesus, all that fucking passion and you know where it goes? To
the form of aggression. Not romance, intimacy, SEX. Oh no, not us crazy
Bowaileys. We use all that wonderful and rare long lasting passion to
DESTROY each other instead of love each other. What we have between us
could last a lifetime, if we could learn how to fucking talk to one
another.<br />
It looks like its too late for that. All his stuff is gone again. I
cant bear to look into the closets and not see his things. All the doors
are closed, lights off. I wake up with such bad anxiety even when hes
right next to me that tonight I decided I would smoke and drink myself
to sleep. Dont worry, its only a 40 ounce of beer that I probably wont
even finish, so dont go calling AA on me. I just cannot feel the pain
right now. Im all worn out from feeling pain, and this is the only thing
that makes the pain go away. I have thought about cocaine and how
lovely it would be to feel so euphoric right now, but its not tempting
enough. <br />
How could he leave me like this, at a time when I need him the most? Am I that hateful? <br />
I am white trash.<br />
I am a piece of shit, a fat one at that.<br />
I am worthless.<br />
I have done nothing with my life except fuck it up.<br />
I deserve this.<br />
</article><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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