Have You Ever...

In these pictures I took the other day, I look mad and miserable. The truth is, I'm not. I was just snapping pictures of myself in broad day light while parked on the side of the road and I didn't want to smile and draw attention to myself. I was using the mirror on the other end of my visor and I was afraid to smile because I thought people walking by might think I'm nuts. Well, I am, but that's besides the point.

Have you ever in your life wanted to smash someone into the ground like the garbage that they perpetrate to be? Have you ever had nightmares about that person, and woke up in the morning with balled fists and an upset stomach? Have you ever wished you could be younger and more fit just so you could beat said person about the face and head without fear of reprisal? I have and I currently do. There is a certain person who will remain unnamed that I swear to God I am going to pound into oblivion the first chance I get. The problem is, even though I really hate the way this person acts and conducts themselves, I don't know them on a personal level so I don't actually hate the person. Confusing, I know. But I went to this person's my space page, and read some things that they write, and what is really sad is that even though they have thrown a major wrench into my life (which is by NO means all their fault) and I want to bash their teeth out, I couldn't help but be impressed at their writing. This is not a stupid person. I didn't expect to be dealing with someone who appears to have slightly above average intelligence. I thought I was dealing with someone who was extremely fucking stupid and a total waste of space. Judging from what I've read, this person has a pretty good heart and knows how to express themselves with words. This is getting in the way of my thirst for vengeance. How can I hate someone yet at the same time wish I could talk them into being a better person? Is this just my heart talking? Or is it something more? Am I nuts? (YES) I don't know what to do.

It is my nature to seek revenge. Just when my enemies think it's safe to come out of hiding, I pounce with a fury that is unmatched to anything they've ever seen. This is due to my snaky nature. (I AM a snake, according to my Chinese Zodiac.) I don't like to be fucked with or taunted, but I usually take it until I can formulate a plan to get them back in the best way possible. Most of the time it does NOT include violence. I just know my way around certain things and I use it to my full advantage. I know this doesn't make me a better person and all that, and sometimes I hold on to it for so long that I end up letting it go. Like my cousin Sarah for instance. I will never give her the privilege of being in my life again, but that doesn't mean I don't miss her sometimes. I do. I am over being angry at her and I wish we could laugh about all that happened, but for the sake of my mental health it is best for me to just stay away from her. She hasn't bothered me or done anything to me in months because she already got what she wanted, which was revenge. She did a good job, I can tell you that. But since we were best friends for so long and really know each other well, I kind of fucked myself when it came to her by trusting too much. I won't put myself in that position again, but all thoughts of getting back at her for what she put me through are gone. Now I just want to be peaceful...away from her. Which is what we are doing. But this other person is NOT a member of my family and I have no history with them, which makes it easier for me to want to bash them. So what I'm doing is hoping I can be the bigger person and walk away, but I'm afraid that at this point I am not able to do that. Thank God this person doesn't live anywhere near me.

Since drugs and alcohol no longer have a place in my life, I am obviously able to think more clearly and rationally...thank God! It doesn't mean that I am rational ALL the time, because, LOL, I'm NOT. But I am able to see things more clearly, especially since I was wearing blinders for so long, and it's refreshing. I guess I will have to wait and see if my anger dissipates before I find myself in a position to do anything to that person. Either way, I'm going with the flow. I just hope I make the right decision.