Second Weekend Off

(This picture was taken on June 1st. It's with a camera phone, which is why we look a little crazy.)


I just spent my whole weekend relaxing. I got out of the house for necessary things, of course, but for the most part I lazed around like a bear. I took a nap yesterday and today, and today I didn't even shower. Ahh, I love to indulge myself in laziness.

Most of my weekend was spent stressing about my job. There are two parts to it; one which I love, and the other part I don't like at all. I didn't realize how important TO my job the part that I hate is, and I got a talking to from my boss. Not a mean talking to...more like firm constructive criticism. It still stung and I fought back tears because the one word that I hate associated with me is FAILURE. I've analyzed it all weekend long, and I know now that sometimes failure is imminent even if you give it your best try. And giving it my best try is all I can do, and that's where I'll go from here. I really look forward to going to work and implementing some of my ideas into the things I do. It's great, because I am allowed to...it's encouraged, actually. This is refreshing. However, I still have some frustrations because there are things I wish my boss would listen to me about. He kind of brushes off the things that I say, so it makes him a little unapproachable. None of the other people in the office feel this way about him, so I guess we're in a period of feeling each other out. He doesn't talk to me any differently than he does them, but I still feel like a loser when he's around. And I know how to bring more business in, could do it in about two weeks if he would let me. And he's kind of given his permission, but he makes it so difficult to proceed after that that I feel like it wouldn't really be worth the trouble. If he would just simply listen to me when it came to certain aspects of this business, aspects that I am very knowledgeable about, he might find that I could actually generate a very good revenue for both of us. This might take a while to accomplish.

So I go to work every day and do what he asks me to do. I listen to him work and he's very very good at what he does. I tell him this, too. When he criticizes me I try as hard as I can not to take it personal, because it's not. I think because I have been out of work for so long I have to get used to feeling this way again. In school I was always a champ, got the best grades, worked really hard, so I never had to take criticism. Now that I do, I have to get used to it again. I am trying, but every day I get stung by something. I know this is normal and that I have plenty of time left to work up to the best of my ability. The pressure I feel is most likely supposed to be an incentive. Little does he know I don't really need any more incentive to work hard than I already got.

Things between Bryan and I have been downright wonderful. There has been no arguing, no stupid fights for well over a month, even longer than that. We are dieting together, and it can be hard to support each other but we do. He treats me a million percent better than he did last year, and it's so great. I am literally basking in the sunshine. I know there's a lot of people who are kind of waiting for the second shoe to drop, and I don't blame them. I know a lot of people who have been involved in abusive relationships who consider this the calm part of the cycle. But that's not how I feel. Hell, if it happens again, I will be done, gone, bye bye. I love him too much and I've already wasted a year in trying to shape him, trying to get him to love me, to see what being an adult is about. He knows that I am done wasting my energy and he treats me like his whole life depends on me. I see the love that he has for me and the hate that he has for the person he was when all the bad shit was going on, and he wants me to forgive. I told him I DO forgive but forget I will not. Sometimes I start to think about all the shit he put me through, and I get fucking pissed off, because he will never, ever know what he put me through. Not just me, but my daughter, my family and my friends. Everyone who had to see me shrink and shrivel away to nothing at the beginning of this year, when I took a hiatus from this journal, would like to get their hands on him and explain to him how important it is not to fuck it up this time. Anyone who saw me with the bruises on my face (like Lynn, Jamie, Alexa, and a few others) and all over my body who sat there in shock the first time they saw me. Or to Serra, who had to witness that brutal and senseless beating and was crying hysterically through it all because she just felt so fucking helpless. Or to Ricky, who was with me when I found him with some really nasty Flint skank at his house two days after spending the night with him and hearing all about how much he loves me and wants to be with me and my family. Ricky had the unfortunate job of bearing witness to the news that he was fucking some other bitch behind my back, a couple of weeks after he beat my ass bad enough to land me in the hospital, and as such, he was the one gripping the seat and screaming for me to calm down as I blew through red lights and stop signs going 60 MPH in a residential neighborhood while screaming in pain at the top of my lungs nonstop, like a train.

Somehow, all of this seemed to have gotten through to him, because he is the most considerate creature on the planet and he's been like that for quite a while now. He has not so much as gotten aggressive toward me, even though one day I had him up against the wall in the kitchen and I proceeded to punch him in the face repeatedly. (As to that incident, I will admit that it felt pretty nice. I had a lot of anger toward him at that time, and I just took it all out on him. I haven't hit him since, because I am no longer carrying all these huge amounts of resentment. That was a few months ago.) I love him even more than I did last year, which I didn't think was possible, but this is a different kind of love. This is finally the mature, secure two way street I had been seeking from him all along. He is good to me and I love him and together, we are making it work. We are making it work and we had to start from the very bottom, but now he know we've seen each other's ugliest sides. There's no where else to go but up and we have. Now that I'm working, I encouraged him to go back to school. Do something to make him feel better about himself. He wants to work but I work so much that I really look forward to spending time with him, so now he's looking into finishing his diploma, which he's only missing by half a credit. He would rather make money, but I am selfish and petty. I certainly make enough money now to pay my bills without him having to work so I am going to take advantage of it. Sound bad? It's not. Well, I really don't honestly give a fuck what anyone thinks. LOL.

All right, I'm off to cuddle with the man and get ready for work tomorrow. WHY do I always wait until Sunday evening to do the laundry? (And don't suggest Bryan do it. He hates the laundry, so we compromise. He cooks and does dishes, two jobs I HATE, and I do the laundry. It's a fair trade off, trust me.)

Until Later,
Mz. Bowailey