The Next Episode

I know everyone is just sitting around wondering what in the hell is going on with me. The truth is, I don't know. I mean, I feel a little bit at peace, but not by much. But I don't feel extremely stressed out either. I am little peeved at the moment, but I am sure that will go away, too. The truth is, I have hardly left my room at all today and I haven't really eaten in a couple of days. I am enjoying the cool breeze that is coming through my window, even though my feet are cold, and I want to go rake up a bunch of leaves and jump in them. Or something. Take a shower. Eat something hot. Go somewhere. But I am resting for the first time in months. Boredom is beginning to settle in now.

I found out about a week ago that my husband's parents found my blog online and have been reading it since June. So when they came to visit at the end of June, they already knew about Bryan and eveything else, yet they didn't say anything while they were here. I am so embarassed I want to die, but at the same time, even though I didn't expect them to actually find it, I knew there was a chance that they would. They talked to Shawn and everything, he didn't really get into great detail about their conversation. But now they know more than I would ever tell them.

Last night I did talk to Bryan. It was my idea to take some days off away from each other so that I can focus on me, which is what I am trying hard to do right now. Obviously, I have some issues to focus on. I miss him terribly, but at the same time, I know this is the right thing to do. I talked him out of totally giving up on our relationship, but he did make it clear that he wanted to be able to see other people if he wanted to. When I didn't respond to that, he made the statement that he knew I didn't like it. I said I didn't like it, but I DID understand it. He knows he's not going to find someone to love him more or treat him better, but he COULD find someone he won't fight with as much. So now I have to really practice patience. I know I bitch about him a lot in this thing, but he's come a very long way in a short time...there's no reason why I can't put forth the same effort.

What would make him (AND EVERYONE ELSE) happy is if we could just have a stress free family type relationship. I have kept Alexa distanced from us because of the fighting and other things that were going on this summer. It didn't do me any good, because she started acting up in school and other things. So, like I said, I am taking this time to focus on her and me. She must have really missed me being in the house because she's been in my room with me most of the day. We've been painting and working on homework. This is part of the reason I feel peaceful right now, like I'm finally doing the right thing. Someone I love very much pointed out to me that he's been my main focal point lately, and she's right. I knew it before she said it. He's even said it to me. But I so badly didn't want to lose him that I failed to realize I was losing myself in the process. So, like I said, we're going to try and hang out later this week, but no sooner than Thursday at least. We've chatted a little bit online here and there. Too much contact would surely spoil it. Besides, I don't want to take him for granted.

Tomorrow I have to go up to the school and pick up Alexa's homework, take the dog to the vet to be fixed, and pick up my books for school. I have some cleaning to do around the house still, too, so I am hoping that having to get up early in the morning will keep me motivated all day. Tonight I have to haul a bunch of junk out of here and take the trash out, and I have a ton of dishes sitting in the sink. (Boy do I miss that dishwasher.) I also need to go grocery shopping...I have absolutely nothing to eat. Yesterday, I had a handful of Pringles and today I had a handful of Chex Mix. Alexa made me lunch but I didn't feel like eating. Hopefully by tonight that will change.

So I am sitting here, being optimistic. It is nice to be able to write again. I have had no outlet for months. So I will probably write a lot, at least until I get busy next week with school. I can hardly wait. I am cautious about my relationship, also, and trying not to set my standards too high. I keep forgetting that I cannot pressure him like I could a guy my age. He's just too young. So I have to let him do what he wants to do, but one thing I know for sure is that he does care about me. He rarely says he loves me, but he does. If he didn't, he would have dropped the ball on me yesterday.

I need a life!!!