A Plea For Help

Although it may not be as serious as it sounds,I have a dilemma that I am dealing with right now and I need some outside advice. It's kind of been bothering me lately, so I thought it might be a good idea to make it public and see if I can get some kind of insight.

I have always flown through life by the seat of my pants and I can be very spontaneous. I like being able to do what I want, when I want, and I usually do. Alexa has trailed behind me for years on all my journeys, and we've had some good times and some bad times. When I decided to move back to Michigan last year, I promised her stability and consistency. No more moving. That's why we bought a house. Same school until she graduates. All of that. And at first, it was easy, because this is where I wanted to be. But I find myself often questioning that decision. I don't know if this is the right place for me to be right now.

This is my birthplace and this is my home, but I am not so sure if it's a good thing to be here. There is absolutely no future in this town. There is no market for any kind of business, and even though they talk about revamping Flint's image to make it appear as if its a cutesy little college town, that idea has never quite taken off. It is ugly, it is mismanaged, and it is very, very poor. I look around here at a place that literally has NO WORK. Sure, you can get an education here, but you can do nothing with it.

Florida has been on my mind, and it has nothing to do with the impending cold. I enjoy fall, it is my favorite season. But there is a scent to the air there, an atmosphere of success, that is not here in Flint. People struggle everywhere, but in Pensacola the struggle was eased by the atmosphere and the low cost of living, combined with no state income taxes. Work was plentiful in the service industry. People struggled, and people stressed, but it still is NOTHING like here. My life seems to be literally be stalled in neutral, and it's because I have reached an impasse in my life and I don't know where to go. The truth is, I want to go back to Florida. I have family and friends there, and a guaranteed job, should I choose to return. Plus, I WANT to be there.

But then again, I have to think about Alexa. She is secure and comfortable with her little group of friends, and they are already making plans for their junior and senior proms. (LOL) I hate to move her YET AGAIN just when she is probably starting to finally feel a little grounded. But I already worry about the quality of some of the friends she has; and I know it will only get worse in high school. I want to live a peaceful life, as far away from these negative lifestyles as I can. But I just worry so much about my timing. Alexa is in that stage of emotional development where she NEEDS to feel a bit more secure and a bit more grounded; its crucial to the development of her self esteem. But I feel that I might very well go absolutely fucking crazy if I have to stay here one more minute. I feel like I'm living my life running in place. I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO. I JUST KEEP GOING DOWN, DOWN, DOWN. I HATE it here, and I'm starting to hate myself. When I was in Florida, I gained a strong sense of self, became responsible, hard working, and independent, made good career choices, and GREW UP. Right now, I feel like I'm living MY life in REVERSE. Does this make sense? So I am torn between moving her and suffering the consequences later, or sticking it out and suffering until she graduates. I do not know what to do.

I would love some advice on this. I'm not talking about upping and leaving right now; I am thinking maybe more toward the summer. I don't want to pull Alexa out of school for it. But if I am going to do it I need to start planning now. I need a house, I need to sell THIS house, arrangements with my job, etc. I wish I could be set free right now, but I also know that good things come to those who wait. And I'm waiting.