I feel sick today. I woke up having a panic attack. Not surprising, considering the circumstances I am living under.

Bryan and I have been fighting almost nonstop for almost two weeks. I have cried almost every day. People who know me well have been making comments like, "You're never happy anymore." I feel trapped in a cage, can't get out. The other night, the straw broke the camel's back when we got into the third fight of the night (the night Kristy and Mike got married) while we were out with some friends. He ended up getting out of my car and I chased him around for a while until I couldn't find him anymore. I had been drinking for the first time in six weeks...all I was trying to do was relieve some stress and have a good time. He was NOT drunk at all. So here I am, driving while intoxicated, running around in circles, sobbing and crying and calling him over and over again. It was almost five in the morning when I finally went home and passed out.

I woke up feeling like my heart was breaking yesterday. I text messaged him a couple of times, but for the most part, left him alone. In my sober mind, I knew this was the best thing to do. I walked around trying to pretend that my heart wasn't hurting, that part of me wasn't missing. This went on all day. At 11:30 PM I called him and left a message, telling him that I understand why he wasn't talking to me and that I missed him more than anything.

This morning, when I woke up, I felt like someone had stabbed me right through my heart. I have NEVER felt like this with ANYONE. I've always been dramatic and bold when it comes to matters of the heart, but today I literally feel like I am dying inside. This is new to me.

I woke up in the middle of a dream that had Bryan in it, and I'll be damned if I can remember what it was. I got up and went into the kitchen and tried not to cry. Mike and Kristy were already up and packing their stuff and I sat at the kitchen table and smoked cigarette after cigarette. We made small talk and then my phone rang...it was Bryan. I went into the bedroom to talk to him and he was very gentle and nice to me. We talked a little bit about our relationship and what happened the other night, and then he dropped a bomb on me by saying he still wants me in his life, but only on a friendship level.

I felt the panic set in but I kept my voice calm and suggested we meet later to talk to each other face to face. I cannot STAND having serious conversations over the phone, for one thing, and for another, his sisters and mom were sitting right there and they know WAY too much of my business. He agreed to meet with me, but said that he didn't want to go anywhere. He just wanted to park in the driveway, which is actually okay with me because I'll make sure that by the time I get there, everyone else in the house will be in bed. (If that driveway could talk about things its heard and seen me and Bryan do in it....we have had a lot of serious conversations in the driveway.) I told him I wouldn't get there until later tonight, because I have a lot to do today, and he said that would be fine. He then said, "You can come over here and we can talk, but I'm telling you right now that I am not changing my mind. It's made up." That pierced my heart too, but at least he's willing to listen to what I have to say.

We've been through this once before and got through it. I don't know about now. I am trying not to think about it too much, because I have so much to do right now, but I can't help but worry. I miss him so much right now that I can hardly stand it. I want to see him, be near him, and have everything go back to the way it was about three weeks ago. Some things have happened in our relationship that has caused some resentment and anger on my part, and things have just not been good. Matter of fact, the last time I saw him, right before we got into our third big fight of the day, we had a long discussion and agreed on several things. Number one, we NEVER have any time to ourselves. We never spend hardly a moment alone. Number two, we BOTH put everyone else first before we put ourselves, which puts our relationship in the red danger zone, since relationships need work and nurturing and especially ours, considering the age difference and the circumstances. We never have time to do ANY of this. And number three, we both agreed that it was getting almost too stressful to handle and if it happened again, then we would have to end our relationship...both of us are just too stressed. Funny how three or four hours later, that's exactly what happened.

So I could use some prayer and some advice. I wish I knew what it was about him that makes me love him so much. I am not willing to just let him go. He has the most beautiful, gentle soul of anyone else I know even though he's a hard headed, spoiled little baby brat. His heart is genuine, and we have a lot in common except our communication style. I have had more fun with him than with anyone else; he always makes me laugh and he is loyal almost to a fault. I will probably update this later tonight after I see him, but I have a feeling that I am going to be crying even harder when I come back tonight than I feel like crying right now. I hope not, but its just a feeling.