And More Changes....

I start school in a little under twelve hours. I cannot wait.

I feel like my life is really going back to normal again. Things are still different, though.

For starters, my husband has a girlfriend. I am back in my old house and broke as ever. I am back on my medication and facing reality for the first time in a while. I am sober and rational, most of the time. And I am struggling with relationship issues, which is something I haven't had to worry about in a long time.

I can't wait to go back to school and start exercising again. I don't care if lose any weight, I just want to feel healthier. I can't wait to start my exercising my brain again...I feel like I'm slowly going retarded. I need to keep better care of my house and my things, and be more responsible with the money I DO have. Right now I suck at this.

I can't believe how much I have to face up to now. I have made such a huge mess of things. It's like I've been sleepwalking since May and now that I'm awake, I feel like I'm standing next to a smoking pile of ashes that happens to be my life and the lives of those around me. I feel like I could have handled everything so differently. I feel like I'm the one who poured the gas and lit the match.

I have finally realized that I cannot dwell on what a fuck up I have been. I have to focus on cleaning up the mess so that it doesn't affect anyone else anymore. My own father is still not really speaking to me, and half of my family refuses to have anything to do with me because of my relationship with Bryan. (Thank you, cousins, for not demanding the same thing. I don't think I could handle any more ultimatums.) I keep plodding on as I always do, but it still sucks. I used to be the golden child, the most reliable, the one with her head on straight. I guess my mean, drunk sister would be happy to hear that I have been dethroned. Well, fuck her.

So right now my focus is on repairing relationships, especially the one I have with myself. I am so disappointed in myself that it makes me sick; but at the same time, when I look back on it, I knew it was only a matter of time before I broke and did something really stupid and avoided responsibility for a while. I live under a lot of pressure because I am a Type A personality and I think I just wanted to avoid reality for a while. However, the way I treated my husband and especially my daughter is deplorable. I am really ashamed of myself and I am admitting it here, in this public forum. And fuck those of you who judge me, because you really don't know me, and you have no idea what this is like.

I feel as if I am moving closer to my happy place. I have been feeling peaceful lately, as if I know everything is going to be okay. I haven't felt like this in months. Peaceful. Somewhat settled. And it will get better and better.

As for my relationship with Bryan, it's moving along as best as could be expected. He is putting forth a major effort right now, as am I. We just spent three wonderful, peaceful, fight free nights together and talked a lot about our relationship. We both know it's going to be a struggle, but we also both understand that we need to be a lot more accepting of each other. I have actually started to repeat what he says to me back to him, just to be absolutely sure that I understand what he's saying to me. (That just shows how badly we communicate sometimes.) When he gets done talking I tell him, "Okay, what I'm hearing you say is that...." I have found that this works, because he is a literal talker and I am an analyzer. This makes for MISERABLE communication. He says EXACTLY what he means, yet I sit and analyze it and go over it with a fine tooth comb for HOURS and usually I end up totally misunderstanding him. He doesn't get me either, because I like to talk in circles. During the time we spent together, we both practiced patience. It worked. I don't honestly know how long it will last, but right now, it sure is nice.

We are also working on a project together, for him. I am not going to mention it here, because it really isn't something I should share, but his close friends know what I'm talking about. We spent hours on it last night and tomorrow night we're going to work on it some more. I am really excited for him and I am glad I get to share in this experience.

I need to go to sleep now, it's almost three in the morning and I am very, very tired. I went to Bryan's house tonight and ended up hanging out with him and Dave, watching TV, which I never do. I have never hung out at his house more than three times. Then I took Dave home and came home, and I am exhausted. I didn't expect to be there that long.

So, I am off, with a little more optimism and a whole lot more hope. I hope that tomorrow is as good of a day as I think it's going to be.