Oops!

I posted this picture of Bryan because I like it. It captures one of my favorite facial expressions of his. I just love his face in this picture. I even like his hair, which had grown curly and wild and out of control...he's since cut it.

Anyways, so...I always wondered if Bryan would ever tell me he loved me. And if he did, what the first time he said it would be like. I don't tell him I love him directly; I never say, "I love you," to him like that. I might say something like," I know ya love me," or, "You know I love ya," or something casual like that, and he always says, "yup," and nods his head in agreement. I knew a while back that he loved me. He knows that he loves me, but we don't really discuss it. It doesn't seem necessary. Not only that, but we love each other on different levels, if that makes any sense. We love each other but we are also like family. We are comfortable with this.

I told him I loved him once...and that was in the middle of a very passionate, very heated, very emotional moment. (And NO, it wasn't sex!) I was very drunk, too, and I was pissed that I had broken my vow to myself that I would never, ever say that word to him. After I said it, I said it AGAIN, and then we just sat there. Since we were both smashed, we both forgot about it within minutes and went promptly to bed to pass out. No mention was made of it for about a month, and then I brought it up. I asked him if he remembered me saying that to him and he said that he did. I felt better, getting it out there in the open, but at the same time, saying it out loud is literally speaking it into existence, and then everything changes.

So, I'm rambling. Anyway, I always wondered if he would say it to me. I kind of figured he would when he was ready to. Tonight, he went out with his brother and at around 11:00 I paged him on his 2 way. He beeped me back but all I heard was music. This went on for a couple of minutes and finally my phone rang..it was him. He was pretty drunk, but I wasn't at all irritated. I knew he was safe because he was with his brother and most likely Dave, and he hasn't been out in almost a month. Plus, with him being drunk that early, it was a certainty that he would be home long before the bar closes. (I was right.)

So, we chatted for a minute and he made me laugh because he was so drunk..but he was obviously having a good time. We wrapped up our conversation, Bryan saying, "Thank you for checking up on me," like he sincerely meant it. I said, "Of course, baby, that's my job," and laughed. He laughed too, and then he promised me he would call me when he got home. (He didn't, and I knew then that he wouldn't. I ended up getting a hold of HIM.) I said, "All right, honey, I'l talk to you tomorrow." He said, casual as can be,"Okay then. Have a good night. I love you." It took me all of a NANOSECOND to process that information. Instantly, I considered these things:

He was drunk
Maybe he didn't mean to say it
Making a big deal out of him saying it would only embarass him
Keep my mouth shut

So, right after he said it, before he could say another word, or take back what he said, I said, "Okay, baby, I love you too, goodnight," and hung up the phone. I know Bryan, and I knew he wouldn't go out of his way to call me back and tell me that what he had just said had been a mistake. If I had stayed on the phone, and if it had been an honest mistake, he would have told me, but call me back and explain? No.

Now tomorrow, I'm not going to say a word about it. I'm going to proceed as normal. But I have to admit that it feels nice to hear it. Drunk minds speak sober thoughts.

Now that I think about it, this isn't the first time Bryan told me he loved me. The first time he actually used it in a sentence, he was drunk as well. (See above statement.) He had requested a song, our song actually, by Cassie, and when it came on, I smiled at him and said, "Aww, did you request this song for us?" He said that he did. Trying to be coy, I said, "Why?" His response? "'Cause I looooooooooooove you, motherfucker."