Okay, So Here We Go

Thanks, everyone, for responding to my post asking for advice on whether or not I should leave Michigan. I appreciated ALL the feedback from everyone. Let me just take the time to answer a few questions.

The only reason, and I mean ONLY, reason I left Florida was because I got scared of the hurricanes. Now I know there are things much worse than hurricanes and at least you get SOME warning when they're coming.

No, I haven't really brought up the subject to Alexa yet. I'm going to soon, because I am going to plant the idea in her head and give her time to mull it over before she makes a final decision.

I'd like to clarify also that I have been completely cocaine free for three whole months. In that three months time, I have been intoxicated twice. (Alcohol has never been a problem for me, nor will it ever be.) I have no desire to ever touch the stuff again.

As for Bryan, I placed him in a take it or leave it situation. I explained that if we were to decide to move to Florida, I would probably ask him to come along, depending on the status of our relationship at that time. I was going with or without him. Considering BOTH of our natures, I even suggested that I leave and get settled and if it's right, send for him. It's not really been discussed at length, although I certainly think that getting Bryan out this no win situation he's found himself in will improve his chances of bettering his life and THIS is very important to me because I love this man very much and I want to be with him but NOT LIKE THIS. However, whatever he chooses to do is not really important to me. What's important to me is returning to my old, stable, happy self in a positive environment for me and Alexa.

So I am still thinking about it. I have been very reflective lately, not to mention more than a little fed up with Bryan's antics. Just when I think I have a grip on him, he fucks up again. Tonight, for example, I went up the the club to meet with Bryan, his brother Jeff (who is returning back to the Army in Germany tomorrow), Dave, and Jeff's girlfriend Megan. Bryan and I had had a horrible night the night before, and I decided that even though there were some things that needed to be discussed about the previous night's events, that it could wait until tomorrow. This is Jeff's last day here and I felt it would be selfish of me to monopolize Bryan's time with relationship stuff that can wait. So I agreed to meet them all at the bar and everything was going fine until I felt my internal "annoy-a-meter" suddenly rise. Bryan was hardly paying any attention to me at all. Now, I am having PMS like a motherfucker right now, and I tend to get emotional and a little temperamental in times like these. So I thought maybe I was just being a little overly sensitive and forced myself to be nice to him every time he talked to me even though what I really wanted to do was just snap his fucking head off. At one point, he came over and rubbed my back a little and was very sweet to me, but I noticed he kept picking up his drink and sitting at another table right next to the coat check. This was puzzling because he would do this while everyone else was out on the dance floor and it was just me sitting there. It pissed me off that he would get up and leave me and go sit at another table. So, I followed him over there and sat next to him and noticed right away that he was having conversations with the coat check girl an awful lot. Yeah. So, I peeked in to get a look at her, and she looked like Shrek. So I relaxed a little bit about that and sighed heavily to show my annoyance. Bryan caught on to it and we started cuddling and talking. About five minutes later, he turned to Coat Check girl and said something to her. They proceeded to engage in a ten minute conversation while I sat there feeling like a fucking third wheel. It seemed to me that every time he turned his head toward me she would say something else. And Bryan is a very friendly, nice, talkative people person, so he's just blabbing his big ass mouth away and I'm sitting there feeling my rage build. It's not a good rage. Dave walked by me and noticed the look on my face and I said loudly, "I'm just a little fucking annoyed right now." He glanced over at Bryan and back at me, and I knew instantly that he understood why. He shrugged his shoulders and smiled at me. I got up and went to talk to Megan and told her why I was pissed. She turned around, looked at Coat Check Girl, and said, "Hmmph. Look at her and look at you. You gotta get over it." I burst out laughing and in rare moment of playfulness I hugged Bryan, who was STILL talking to Coat Check Girl. I sat and patiently waited for about five more minutes and then I couldn't take anymore. I felt like I was about to take off like a rocket. Seriously. I have only felt that kind of rage once, and that was right before I punched Stephanie K in the mouth in the cafeteria in 9th grade. I felt like my arms were going to start swinging and that I was going to burst into tears any minute. I got up, grabbed my purse and keys, stepped in between their heads to stop their conversation, and waved in Bryan's face. "Bye," I said. "I'm leaving." The motherfucker had the audacity to look surprised. "What?" he asked, and I was already three feet away from him. Dave stepped over and gave me a hug, and then out of the corner of my eye I saw him immediately step over to Bryan and say something to him. (Thank God for Dave. He is the voice of sanity in my life sometimes.) I went out to my car, came home, and now I'm writing this. It's not a big deal, I know I'm being retarded about it......but why did it feel like the bitch was testing me???? Am I overreacting or it is just fucking RUDE to carry on a conversation with a guy when it's obvious his girlfriend is sitting right next to him but the motherfucker is so retarded he seems to have forgotten that she's there, and now you're just manipulating all his time? Is it just me?? Huh??

Whew. So, anyways. Yeah. I'm off to find something to eat. Even though it's almost four in the morning. I must find sustenance.