Endings and New Beginnings

Last night, after Bryan and I came home from what was intended to be a nice day out, spent shopping and eating lunch with Alexa, but what turned into an argument in the restaurant that ended with me dropping Bryan off at his mother's and picking him up about an hour later, instead, Kristi and Mike came to our room and told us that they had found a house and that they were moving out, and that they would be out by Monday.

At first, I felt a sense of relief, because, honestly, my anxiety has gotten a hold of me so badly lately that I've only left the house three times in two weeks, but then I started feeling a little sad. The four of us have been through so very many transitions, it would be impossible to list them all here. We have watched each other change, grow, and mature in many ways. We have been a very tight knit family, inseperable since the end of June and living together since the first of August. I mulled over this last night and when I woke up this morning, my stomach was tied in knots and my anxiety level was the highest it had been in days. I really felt like I was going to fall apart. When I met up with Kristi, accidentally, in the living room, I couldn't hold back a few tears as I told her that I didn't think that Bryan and I were going to take their absence very well. Bryan and I will be automatically raised to another level, us living alone with Alexa and all...wow...it scares the shit out of me. So much so that I just get a little overwhelmed at the thought of a strong support system to lean on just disappearing. Some days I don't feel strong enough to take all this on alone.

So, I will be staying home for New Year's. I always do. I hate New Year's. As a Bull, I am very resistant to change. I like certain things to stay the same. If any changes take place at all, I want them to be under my control. Every New Year's Eve I sit and ponder the year in passing, and then I contemplate the possibilities for the following year. Last year was very emotional; my nephew Ricky and I got into an argument and then we both felt the presence of our dead friend Heather very strongly. I went to bed exhausted and drained. The year before that, I was taking care of Tim Tees while Anne worked and Ricky and Shawn partied. I was pissed because I asked Shawn not to drink, and he did anyways. I remember changing a diaper at 12:00 AM. The year before that I think we spent with his parents. The year before that, when I was single, I spent it with some friends and I cried at midnight for all the changes coming for the following year. If only I had known! So this year I expect it to be just as emotional, if not more emotional, than New Year's Eves of the past. I'm trying to be positive, but it is always the most emotional day of the year for me.

I am still working on re-posting my links and some more design detail on the layout of this page. This keeps me pretty busy, since I am also trying to find full time work. So, people, until next time I write....