These Are The Days Of Our Lives

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. Nothing is ever normal around here. Bryan's brother got here last Thursday on a monthlong leave from the Army and so we've been pretty busy. His brother, Jeff, decided to surprise him with a trip to Cedar Point for his birthday, which was on Saturday. (Yeah, he's a big "23" now...LOL) The trip to Cedar Point was great, EXCEPT....

I didn't get to ride on any rides. NO WAY am I standing in line just to be told that I am too fat to ride it. I didn't even attempt to ride any rides. Don't get me wrong, I still totally enjoyed myself because I got to know Jeff and his girlfriend, Megan, a little better. We did a lot of talking and hanging out while Bryan and Dave waited in lines. Sometimes everyone would ride and I would wait by myself, but this only happened once or twice, and it was never a very long wait. Since the title of this blog is "Is This Just a Fat Chick Thing?" and not "Sondra and Bryan, Inc," I decided to log on here today and bitch about myself for a moment.

I never felt left out, but I did feel stupid a couple of times. Like, why am I doing this to myself? Why am I so fat that I am nervous to try to ride rides? It was humiliating because I think everyone felt bad for me, which I DON'T WANT. Plus, more than ANYTHING, I wanted to have fun with Bryan but I felt more like a mom sometimes, holding coats and glasses and anything that they couldn't take on the roller coasters with them. I would watch the coasters go by and dream of days past when I could actually ride them without freaking out. I was really pissed at myself when Bryan wanted to go on the Skyhawk and no one wanted to wait for an hour and half in line with him. I would have if I could have rode it. We talked about it on the way home and to my surprise, I started crying and told him I was sorry that I was such a dead weight. (No pun intended). He was startled at my reaction, especially when I started blubbering about how I wanted to ride with him and that I would have waited in line with him if I thought I could ride it. He said, "I know that," and tried to console me but I was beside myself with shame. He wasn't ashamed of me in the least, but I was ashamed of myself.

Lately I haven't had much of an appetite, really. I eat maybe once a day, and I eat until I feel full and then I stop. I am not obsessing over food like I usually do, and I have lost a few pounds recently. It is unlike me to NOT obsess over food and stuff myself, so I am taking advantage of the fact that it is just not a priority to me right now. I think stress is causing this, although usually when I feel stress I want to over eat. The morning that we went to Cedar Point, I got a nosebleed out of nowhere that just wouldn't stop. I had blood all over my clothes, my face, and even my shoes. When I went to the pharmacy yesterday, the pharmacist told me that it was most likely a blood pressure issue and checked my blood pressure for me. It was extremely high, so obviously I need to just RELAX. Meanwhile, I am enjoying not eating. Don't worry, I'll never be anorexic. I love food too much.

Well, I'm off to have what is hopefully going to be a good day. I have been exercising a little bit but I haven't been able to walk because of all the rain lately. Today its finally dry outside, and I think I am going to take the opportunity to get out there, get some fresh air, listen to my IPod, and spend some quality time with myself.