Fuck a Title

I'm going to get to the point. I am so depressed right now that I can't even think straight. All I want to do is sleep but I also don't want to be at home. I am overly exhausted and completely maxxed out emotionally. I feel like a big part of me is missing and broken.

When things get bad for me, I have a tendency to run. That's why I have lived in a couple of different states. I am so bad at letting go that I have to actually put myself, forcibly, in a position that allows for no other choice than to let go. Right now, at this moment, that is how I feel. I know I need to let go...I've said it in other entries...but for some reason, my heart isn't ready. I think I am waiting to see what happens. There is a part of me that feels that someday I may feel complete, but there is also a part of me that feels as if I am wasting my time. There are so many factors at stake in my relationship with Bryan, mostly the age difference and my insecurity about my weight. One of the biggest factors is other people's opinions, which keep getting in the way. I don't like some of the things I hear from people who are acquainted with him. Not his friends, but like the people he works with. When asked if he and I are dating, I've been told that he claims we are just friends...which is actually okay since I like for things to be my business ONLY...but I have also heard that he emphatically denies any romantic or intimate attachment between us. Now, that makes me feel as if he is ashamed of me, which only reinforces the whole fat/insecurity thing, which causes me to drink and then lash out in anger. It's not a fun cycle, and it's gotten worse. Bryan decided a few days ago that he would put some distance between us, which is not a bad thing. Not at all and actually it was a pretty mature thing for him to do. But I feel like part of me is missing when he's not around...he's been with me nonstop for quite some time...and I miss him. I'm proud of some of the decisions he makes. While they may not necessarily be grounded in experience, they are at least grounded in common sense and that proves to me that even though he may not always understand every big word I use, he is still a smart little guy who just happens to read me very well.

I just hurt all over. My body hurts but I am heartsick as well, which is worse. I wish I could turn back the time to my last entry and make what happened the other night not happen at all. That's obviously not possible, but I also wish I could sleep next to him tonight. I miss rolling over and seeing his curly head poking out from underneath the covers. It's probably a good thing that we are not going to be spending as much time together for a couple of weeks, because I was getting very attached to him and it's simply not time for that yet. Our bond will not go away, but things have changed a little bit.

I'm going to go to bed now. I am so, so exhausted.