Yawn

This is what I looked like today. I am so happy that my hair is FINALLY growing back. I will NEVER cut it off again! I don't know why the picture is SO shitty looking.

I just read the comments from my cousins about how my journal is so fascinating. I think that's great! Maybe other people will feel better about themselves after they read my stories. LOL!

I got up this morning and was in a great mood. I am tired, overwrought, drained , but I am happy. I took Bryan to work and then came back home to conduct some business I've been neglecting, such as looking for an apartment and calling Chrysler to make an appointment to take my car in for some work. I will feel so much better if I get some stuff done today. Then, I am going to Lynn's work...she's a property manager at an apartment complex close to here...and filling out an application for residency there.

Moving out is a smart decision, trust me. I am only going to be a few miles from here anyway, and it's only temporary...until Shawn gets up enough money to move out on HIS own. In the meantime, I cannot sit here in this house. I just can't do it. There's too much going on. This is my marital home and I cannot possibly share it with anyone else. Shawn is still very much here, and even though I don't mind it, some people (ahem) do. What's the phrase I am looking for? "Big bone of contention" comes to mind although I may be thinking of something else. Hmmm.

I can't wait to get into my own place. Everyone thinks that Bryan will be living with me in a matter of days. WRONG! Don't mistake my affection for him as THAT desperate. I NEED my time alone. Sure, he'll be around, but living with me? NOT RIGHT NOW. And besides, he can't get away from his family that easily, even if he wanted to, which he doesn't.

Here is my horoscope for today:

Quickie:
You may not realize it, but you're immersed in the middle of a power struggle now.

Overview:
Aren't you sick of playing it safe? Dare to dream. It's time to dive into a new project or line of work. The risks are great, but so are the payoffs. Try applying this attitude when it comes to romance too.

I realize I am in the middle of a power struggle. Bryan and I are always struggling for power. It's crazy, because he's supposed to be this laid back Libra personality and that's what he claims he is, but really he just talks in his own fucking language and expects me to understand his gibberish. Then he likes to twist things around so badly that I end up feeling like I am the one who said something wrong, when it was really the other way around. And then when I get frustrated and start raising my voice about how he tricked me into thinking I was the one who was wrong, he says, "Don't yell at me, I'm a Libra." SO? SO FUCKING WHAT?

I got something to say to you Libras. I have had experiences with them a lot lately, not just Bryan, and you guys are the nosiest fuckers around. You have to know everything about everyone else's business. Then you use that "I'm a laid back, kicked back, go with the flow Libra" bullshit to make other people feel like they're the ones who are crazy when it's actually YOU pulling all the strings. You fuckers are deviant and sneaky....and I will find a way to outsmart you yet!!!

Yesterday, I was pissy all day for the usual reasons. When Bryan and I spend the night together, I always look forward to a little bit of luvins. I don't necessarily mean sex, either, although that's nice and all, but I like kisses and cuddling too. I just get sick of always having to initiate it even though Mr. Bryan is a GROWN MAN and should WANT to initiate contact with me even though he RARELY does. Well, the other night we spent the night together and he came to bed after me...and didn't even cuddle with me! I had to cuddle with him. But anyway, I woke up MAD because WHY should I have to be the one to initiate it? That's bullshit! So I pouted all day. This is not the first time we have faced this issue. He noticed I was upset about something and asked me what it was. I explained it to him like I just did in this paragraph. Then, he looked up our horoscopes for yesterday and this is what they said:

LIBRA

Quickie:
Patience is a virtue that you will need to become best friends with -- for a while.

Overview:
Aren't you tired of the same stuff appearing in different ways? (This goes for types of people who constantly reoccur in your life.) It's time to get a handle on why this keeps happening to you. Take responsibility for it.

He started chuckling when he read this and saying, "Damn, read this Sondra, read this." Finally I read it and told him to check mine out. Mine said:

TAURUS

Quickie:
Relationships require give and take. You've given enough for now -- it's their turn.

Overview:
Get in touch with people from an old part of your life. Learning from the past helps you with the present. If you've fully absorbed this lesson, you're ready to make growth-oriented decisions about the future.

After I stopped laughing, I looked at him and said, "Enough said."

So this is day one of my stand. I WILL NOT INITIATE CONTACT WITH HIM AT ALL. He always hugs me when I leave him, like when I take him to work or drop him off at home, so that doesn't count. I'm talking about all the other goodies...kisses, cuddling, holding hands, and yes, even SEX. (The way I usually approach the sex thing is to get really, really drunk. Then I am all over him and he is all over me and neither one of us is uptight about it. But I am sick of drinking and usually we fight afterwards anyway. It's not worth it.)

We fight about the dumbest things. The DUMBEST things. And when I say fight, I should clarify that we only FIGHT when there is alcohol involved. If we are sober, then usually it's a heated debate, or discussion. He always tells me I am "counterjudging" myself. Do you know how frustrating this is? Do you know how many times I have gently told him, "You mean contradict myself." He says, "NO, counterjudging yourself," and even though I know this makes no logical sense I don't try to correct him any further. But if I hear that phrase ONE MORE TIME...

I could go on and on about the stupid things we argue about. STUPID. But the main fact is that I enjoy his company and we enjoy each other. We do have a lot of fun together, whether we're playing cards with his friends, hanging out with his family, or taking Alexa to Playland to ride go carts. Matter of fact, in one of my last entries, I wrote about how sad he was that he was putting distance between us. The next day when I saw him, I told him that it made me sad. He said, "I NEVER said I wanted to put distance between us. I just said I wanted to come home and stay home for a few days." DOESN'T THAT MEAN HE WANTS TO PUT DISTANCE BETWEEN US? AM I GOING CRAZY?

All right, I'm off to take care of business....