Someday, I am going to go back to a weight that is comfortable for me. Anywhere between 135 and 180. (Big difference, I know. Shut up.)

When I do, I expect a lot of things to change. Me, I'll still be the same person, just with more self confidence. But everyone around me is going to change.

I don't mean significant others. I'm not talking about my husband or Lynn or even Andyro. I'm talking about people I don't know, people who see me and think, "Gee. She's got such a pretty face. What a shame."

Why is it a shame? Can't I still be fat and be a beautiful person? Inwardly, maybe, but on the outside..never. This is the only part of me that I hate so much it keeps me awake at night. I am so tired of worrying about it. I mean, when you've gotten to be as big as I am, you have to take every little thing into consideration. Fitting into clothes..and seats. Making sure the seatbelt on an airplane will fit around me. Feeling anger and despair as most strangers that I make eye contact with QUICKLY AVERT THEIR EYES. They do it because they're thinking something negative and don't want me to notice. I do it too sometimes. I used to do it back when I was classified as "overweight" and not "obese." Obese people freaked me out and disgusted me. I was petrified of becoming one of them. And now I am.

I miss being flirted with. I LOVE the attention. It has been so long that I can't even remember. Now I get flirted with maybe once a year, and always by someone so undesirable it's almost hysterically funny when it happens. And, unfortunately, if someone desirable were to hit on me, I would look around for the hidden cameras. Because I don't find myself attrative physically so I cannot imagine why anyone else would. Don't confuse that with low self esteem. My self esteem is healthy. It's just that I really hate the way that I look and I think everyone knows it. I was not born fat. I was kinda chubby as a kid, and as a teenager I think I had maybe an extra 15 or 20 pounds at the most on me. This is new to me. I haven't weighed myself recently, but I was really close to 300 pounds last time I checked. Granted, I do have hypothyroidism, which, according to my doctor, accounts for a good 80% of my weight gain. The other 20% is laziness, lack of exercise, and really bad eating habits, which I had all before my thyroid gave out.

I recently got my insurance and now I am waiting to see if I am a candidate for the lap band surgery. I have been checking into this for months now. I don't know how much insurance will cover, but it seems like the perfect solution for me. It's surgery, but it's not as invasive as a gastric bypass, it can be adjusted, and the best part is that they put you through nutrition classes and intense psychotherapy before going through with the surgery itself. I am all for that. That is fine with me. But I want to do it soon, because every time I look in the mirror I want to cry. I saw this kid on TV who weighed almost 450 pounds, and he said, "I don't see myself the way other people see me. Other people see me as this fat kid. I know I'm fat, but I don't picture myself that way." EXACTLY. That is exactly how I feel. Sometimes I forget I'm fat until I look in the mirror, then I quickly look away. I feel like the best years of my life are going down the drain and I want to stop this madness. I want to do things, like play one on one basketball with my daughter, or bowl three games without working up a sweat. I want to have sex in more than three or four positions! I want to go to Cedar Point and ride the rides. I want to get on an airplane and not worry about those fucking seatbelts. I want to buy clothes that don't have pictures of fruit and flowers on them. I WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, GOD DAMMIT.

So there you have it. There is my inner demon that tortures me, day and night. I want it to stop. No one knows how bad I want it to stop. I would really do just about anything to have that surgery. Once the weight is off, I know it won't come back. I want to feel feminine and sexy again. I just want to be me again. LOTS of people have done it. Why not me? I need it more than I need anything else right now. I don't want to enter the workforce again as a big fat ugly slob with short spiky black hair. (That's what I look like right now. I guarantee I never would have cut all my hair off if I wasn't so fat. I just figured, what the hell. It's not like I'm attractive right now anyway.)

One more thing before I go, since it's WAYYYYYYYYYYY past my bedtime. I really hate it when people say things to me like, "There's a lot of guys out there that prefer big women." Yuck. They can go on and prefer them all they want to. I am not a fetish, or some kind of freaky circus sideshow. And not to mention, I am bisexual, so I know what I find attractive in a woman. I like women who are (BAD PHRASE PLEASE FORGIVE ME I AM VERY TIRED) ethnic looking, voloptuous and curvy. I don't care at all for toothpicks. And there is no woman on earth that is pretty enough to be attractive to me if she weighs over 300 lbs. That may seem like a double standard, and I am not totally ruling it out, but it's highly unlikely. I guess maybe I apply my personal beliefs to everyone else, although I am well aware that not everyone thinks like I do. But I know what I look like naked, and I surely don't want to be face to face with THAT.

LOL. Heard enough? Me too. I'm going to bed. And dream of medium size shirts and hip hugger jeans that don't leave me with a thick ass fat roll hanging all around out of my shirt. Someday, someday, someday. Sigh.