On the way home from class today, I heard the song "Something to Believe In" by Poison, which really struck a chord with me and I began to cry a little. I don't know why, but lately I've been feeling hopeless, trapped, stagnant. Yet, at the same time, I feel satisfied with where my life is right now, so I don't understand these feelings. All I want to do is cry and run the fuck out of here. This in itself is not unsual. It usually takes about three months of stability before I get restless and want a change of scenery. But I feel strangely unsettled in a way I have never felt before. I feel like nothing I do is going to change it. But why? I don't get it. I have a doctor's appointment today, and they just changed my medication, so I am thinking that maybe that has something to do with it? I don't like feeling like my old bipolar self. I like the sane, rational Sondra a lot better. I do not want to embark on another three or four month crusade of negative feelings and extremes. I just want to be normal. But to be honest, what I want to do right now is get really drunk and go anywhere..anywhere but here.

For the last two weeks I have not had the energy to do my hair or put on makeup. That has a lot to do with the fact that I am on the wrong dosage of medication for my thyroid, I'm sure, but is it affecting all areas of my life and making me crazy? And by me even thinking that, am I allowing it to happen? I just don't know. I am not looking forward to my appointment, because this doctor does not evaluate. All she wants to do is find out if the medication's okay. I hate it. I don't want to go, but I have to. Just like everything else I do in my life I do because I have to. I want to do something that will benefit no one else but me. I want to keep something in my life all to myself. I'm sick of sharing. I want to be ALONE, by myself. I don't know. I am just angry and sick of it all. I want to get in my car, go somewhere, create a new identity, and never come back. Time has already proven I can't stay away from Lynn, so I would keep in contact with her. And of course, with Andyro. But no one else. I don't really mean that, but I do in this moment right now. This is getting me nowhere so I am ending this now.