A Single Bowailey

I have had a really bad last few days. I mean, it seems like lately I'll have a couple of good days, and then a bunch of shitty ones. I'm getting more than a little sick of it. I know that a lot of it is under my control, but some of it isn't.

Bryan and I got into it on New Year's Eve over the fact that he wanted to drink beer and I didn't think he needed to drink at all. We were supposed to have a get together but it was starting to look like everyone had decided to hit the bar instead, so he started bugging me about getting something to drink. We bickered a little bit, and he finally decided that since no one was going to drink here, that he wouldn't either. He kept using the same excuse that it was New Year's Eve, but I wasn't buying it.

Finally Dave called and him and his wife came over and brought some liquor with them. At that point, I allowed Bryan to go to the store and get himself a six pack. While we were all playing poker, he started getting a little rude and obnoxious, so I went to bed to avoid a fight. I laid in bed and listened to everyone out in the living room, and I drifted in and out of sleep. I could hear Bryan getting loud, but he didn't seem to be acting up or anything. But I was really disappointed and I was still awake when flopped into the bed a little after five. I couldn't go back to sleep so I got up and wrote him a letter, telling him I wasn't mad, but that I was upset and disappointed. He read it when he got up, and we didn't talk about it right away, but he came over and rubbed my shoulders and kissed my head, which let me know that he understood me. When he came back from taking Dave home, I kind of expected him to address it with me, but he didn't, which led to a small argument. After the argument, we laid in bed together, just talking a little, when I started crying a little bit because of the content of our conversation. When he realized I was crying, he sighed. I got pissed, and pushed him away. We fell asleep like that.

So, I broke my number one rule: Never, under any circumstances, go to bed mad. The reason for this is because it will be with you in the morning. This is what happened to me today. When I woke up, I was a ball of anxiety. First of all, Kristi and Mike are moving out today, and I wasn't dealing with that well. Second of all, all the things that happened between Bryan and I in the last 48 hours were still fresh in my mind and I was hurt and angry. Third, I have that dreaded godawful PMS. So as soon as I got up I started bitching.

Bryan listened to me bitch for a while, but then he abruptly got up and said, "I knew I should have went to my mom's last night," and started getting his shit together. We fought, badly, and in retaliation I said some really horrible things to him about something in his past. I screamed it, actually, at his back as he was walking down the steps on the front porch. I was furious, but even as the words came out of my mouth I regretted them.

When he got to his mom's, after avoiding my phone calls, he called me back and informed me that he was done, we were done, it was over, etc. At this point I was still mad and thinking about myself, and I started in on him right away. That's when he interrupted me and said, "My mind's made up. I appreciate everything you're saying and I do know where you're coming from, but there's a line you don't cross and you crossed it. You pushed me over the line today with the things you said."

It was then that I realized how horrible it must have been for him to hear me say that to him. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Ever experienced turbulence on a plane, where everything shifts suddenly and your stomach pitches down into your big toe? That's exactly how I felt, because I knew he was serious.

Even though I complain about Bryan a lot, I want everyone to know he has been my rock for the longest time. This stupid fucking depression that I deal with is no fun for someone like Bryan to live with. He is a very social person, enjoys people, and making new friends. I, on the other hand, have a tight circle of friends that I tend to keep close to me and I am averse to trusting people, where he is not. Because of my escalating problems with depression, and my problems with anxiety, I am uncomfortable leaving the house. This is a miserable fucking existence, people. Whenever I go out in public, I feel like everyone is staring at me. Because I'm fat. Yeah. So imagine this feeling so strong that there are times I will actually leave situations because of the way I feel. It's not fun. There have been times I've left Bryan behind in my haste to get out of somewhere. He's grown used to it. He doesn't understand it, really, but he tries and he knows what to do to make me feel somewhat comfortable. If it weren't for him, I'm not sure if anything would get done around here. I would probably have bedsores from never moving. When I need to laugh, he makes me laugh, or he'll sit down and watch one of my comedy DVD's with me while he rubs my back. Shit like that. So even though I might complain about the things he does, please remember that everything is not one sided. It's hard to think that way sometimes though.

During the course of our conversation, he asked me to bring some stuff over of his that he had forgotten, and of course I jumped at the opportunity to do it, because I was really starting to get scared that he really might be serious. We went through something like this before, after I drank too much and acted like an asshole one night, months ago, and I vowed I would never feel like that again. Well, this was starting to feel worse and I didn't like it. When I got to his house, we started talking and he was really very serious. I panicked, started crying and apologizing profusely for what I said. I mean, it was really awful, and if I didn't violate his privacy by doing it, I would repeat what I had said just for the sheer shame and public humiliation that I deserve. I was shaking, crying, the whole nine yards. Although he wasn't being mean at all, he made no effort to comfort me and he never changed his mind. At one point, my grandma called and I told her what was going on. My grandma is the closest person to me in the world, besides Bryan. Of course, she really let me have it over what I said to Bryan, and then asked to speak to him. I don't know what she said, really, but he talked to her for a few minutes and then handed the phone back to me. When he did, he leaned in the car and gave me a hug that lasted several minutes. We agreed to talk tomorrow. I came home and I can't sleep. It's hard for me to even be here without him. I don't know how I'm going to deal with him not being next to me at night. It's been months since he hasn't been.

It seems to me that the lesson to be learned here is that everyone has their limit. There's been plenty of times Bryan and I fought and he would threaten to go back to his mom's but he never has---until now. Even when I would tell him to leave, he would refuse. This is the second time in our relationship that he has actually left me. This is the first time I've been scared to death of losing him. I know the pieces of our relationship fit, as the Tool song goes. The problem is learning how to speak to one another. And, I can be very verbally abusive.

So, tonight, I am completely alone. There is no one else in this house for me to talk to. Alexa is here, of course, but she is in bed. Bryan called her while I was on my way home and let her know that he still loved us, but that she probably wouldn't see him "for about a week or so." I don't know what that means, but I hope it means he's going to come home. I miss him so much already, it's unbearable. Thank God I have something to do tomorrow, which is take Alexa shopping for some new clothes. That kid outgrows everything in a matter of months. She's too damn expensive for me. And she will keep my mind occupied with her endless chatter about her friends and school. I just hope I can sleep.