I think I like this Barbie better than that one bitch who has everything.

This Barbie is saying, "What'd you say to me, punk? You better watch it 'fore I buss a cap in yo ass."

The other Barbie would have said, "Oh, hee hee, silly me. I must have said something that angered you. I need a brush, does anyone have one? Anyway, I'm so sorry. Would you like to join me for some jazzercise? It's so exhilirating and will help relieve the tension!"

This Barbie once caught Ken in a passionate embrace with Skipper, and pulled him out of the mansion by his hair and proceeded to pistol whip his ass in front of everyone in their exclusive, gated community. While he lay on the perfectly manicured ground, unconscious, she slashed all the tires on his pink Corvette and busted out the windows. Yeah, she might have paid for the car, but he was the one driving the bitch.

This Barbie doesn't care if she notices a few pounds on her impossibly perfect figure. The baggy pants and boxer shorts she wears hides it, anyway. And who cares if her hair isn't perfectly coiffed? She puts it all up in her bandanna, anyway.

This Barbie once spent time in a federal prison for the distribution and manufacturing of crack cocaine. She knows what a hard life is. She met her best friend, Rayanna, in prison. Rayanna's last name is Bratz and Barbie invited Rayanna and the entire Bratz family to live with her. She said she would find them jobs. Now they all live with Barbie in her mansion. She has taught them how to cut the coke quite well. Ken pretends to ignore them, but he knows what's going on.

One day, the Bratz family thought it would be hilarious to hide Ken's tennis racket and cardigan sweater. They found it highly amusing that Ken would go out the tennis courts by himself and smack the ball around. No one else wanted to play. The day they hid his things, Ken stormed around the mansion, yelling, "Where is my cardigan sweater?" This got on Barbie's nerves and she finally said, "Nigga, shut the fuck up, foe I smack yo bitch ass." Ken immediately shut up. Everyone thought he was scared.

In truth, Ken was afraid of Barbie, but he was more afraid of the Bratz family. They knew a terrible secret about him. One time, Rayanna's cousin, Jade Bratz, walked in on him when he was getting ready to take a shower. He turned bright red as she gasped, clapped a hand over her mouth, and then began laughing uncontrollably. She fled the room and told all of her cousins. They all laughed hysterically at what she said. Jade then called her boyfriend, Joe, who was a G.I. in the army, and told him, too. He laughed for five straight minutes and then said, "Well, I may be little but at least I'm anatomically correct."

Every time one of the Bratz saw Ken, they laughed and giggled at pointed at him. He just kept his head down and pretended not to hear them. He didn't want Barbie to know that they had found out that he only had a small, plastic, shapeless lump for a penis. Barbie herself didn't know, thanks to her sweet twin sister's invention. She invented an apparatus that Ken could attach to himself whenever they were intimate and she never knew the difference. Ken secretly loved the good Barbie, and would have been happy to marry her in a heartbeat, but everyone knew she was a lesbian.

One day, after visiting with her parole officer, Barbie stopped by her supplier's house. She tapped out the special knock on the door. The door slowly opened, and Barbie walked into the house. "Yo," she greeted the boss.

Her boss ran a hand through her stringy red hair and said, "You comin to pick up the shit?"

"Sho 'nuff," said Barbie, making herself comfortable next to her boss's brother Andy. "Hey Andy, whassup, yo?" she said as she jostled him. He said nothing, just stared vacantly ahead.

The boss was mumbling to herself as she sifted through some envelopes on the table. "Shit, man, I wish they would stop addressing my mail like this."

"Like what?" Barbie asked, adjusting the pistol in her waistband.

"These motherfuckers," spat the boss, throwing the envelope in her direction. "They keep mixing up my first and last names." Barbie caught it and examined it closely. The name on the envelope was Miss Raggedy Anne. "Ain't that your name, cuz?" Barbie asked.

"Fuck no!" replied Anne. "My name is Anne Raggedy. But they keep on doin that shit to me and Andy." She paused as she tugged on the hem on her gingham skirt. "So anyway, you ready for some good shit, B?"