Third Weekend

I did not update this blog this week because I have been incredibly busy at work. I had a very productive and fulfilling week, and I hope next week turns out to be the same.

Today I got up around nine and started doing laundry and cleaning the bathroom. I talked on the phone a little, which is something I hate to do. Then I started watching the show "Matilda" on the family channel and fell right asleep with my mouth open. I woke up about an hour and a half later, feeling groggy. I still feel groggy. I absolutely can't wait for my insurance to kick in so I can see someone about my thyroid. I'm supposed to be taking medicine for it, but I have no insurance, so I haven't been. I've gained a little weight but I think that's because I've been living on coffee and Mountain Dew, no water or tea for a while. Today I am going to drink a gallon of water so that I can get a head start on flushing out my system. I feel dehydrated and it's yucky. Thankfully, my clothes still all fit pretty okay, but I freaked when I saw I had gained weight. That just cannot happen.

Life in Florida is still the same. Boring and hot. It was so hot today that I could hardly breathe outside and had to come back in. That's no fun either. It kind of limits the outdoor activities you can do. I can tell you right now I don't feel like sitting on the beach in sweltering heat. How is that fun? Most of the time I just come home from work and chill out at home. I stay out of trouble, spend time with Bryan, and write. It's fulfilling but I do miss my friends.

Well, I have nothing new to report, so with that being said, I'm going to sign off now.

Until next time,
Mz Bowailey

Second Weekend Off

(This picture was taken on June 1st. It's with a camera phone, which is why we look a little crazy.)


I just spent my whole weekend relaxing. I got out of the house for necessary things, of course, but for the most part I lazed around like a bear. I took a nap yesterday and today, and today I didn't even shower. Ahh, I love to indulge myself in laziness.

Most of my weekend was spent stressing about my job. There are two parts to it; one which I love, and the other part I don't like at all. I didn't realize how important TO my job the part that I hate is, and I got a talking to from my boss. Not a mean talking to...more like firm constructive criticism. It still stung and I fought back tears because the one word that I hate associated with me is FAILURE. I've analyzed it all weekend long, and I know now that sometimes failure is imminent even if you give it your best try. And giving it my best try is all I can do, and that's where I'll go from here. I really look forward to going to work and implementing some of my ideas into the things I do. It's great, because I am allowed to...it's encouraged, actually. This is refreshing. However, I still have some frustrations because there are things I wish my boss would listen to me about. He kind of brushes off the things that I say, so it makes him a little unapproachable. None of the other people in the office feel this way about him, so I guess we're in a period of feeling each other out. He doesn't talk to me any differently than he does them, but I still feel like a loser when he's around. And I know how to bring more business in, could do it in about two weeks if he would let me. And he's kind of given his permission, but he makes it so difficult to proceed after that that I feel like it wouldn't really be worth the trouble. If he would just simply listen to me when it came to certain aspects of this business, aspects that I am very knowledgeable about, he might find that I could actually generate a very good revenue for both of us. This might take a while to accomplish.

So I go to work every day and do what he asks me to do. I listen to him work and he's very very good at what he does. I tell him this, too. When he criticizes me I try as hard as I can not to take it personal, because it's not. I think because I have been out of work for so long I have to get used to feeling this way again. In school I was always a champ, got the best grades, worked really hard, so I never had to take criticism. Now that I do, I have to get used to it again. I am trying, but every day I get stung by something. I know this is normal and that I have plenty of time left to work up to the best of my ability. The pressure I feel is most likely supposed to be an incentive. Little does he know I don't really need any more incentive to work hard than I already got.

Things between Bryan and I have been downright wonderful. There has been no arguing, no stupid fights for well over a month, even longer than that. We are dieting together, and it can be hard to support each other but we do. He treats me a million percent better than he did last year, and it's so great. I am literally basking in the sunshine. I know there's a lot of people who are kind of waiting for the second shoe to drop, and I don't blame them. I know a lot of people who have been involved in abusive relationships who consider this the calm part of the cycle. But that's not how I feel. Hell, if it happens again, I will be done, gone, bye bye. I love him too much and I've already wasted a year in trying to shape him, trying to get him to love me, to see what being an adult is about. He knows that I am done wasting my energy and he treats me like his whole life depends on me. I see the love that he has for me and the hate that he has for the person he was when all the bad shit was going on, and he wants me to forgive. I told him I DO forgive but forget I will not. Sometimes I start to think about all the shit he put me through, and I get fucking pissed off, because he will never, ever know what he put me through. Not just me, but my daughter, my family and my friends. Everyone who had to see me shrink and shrivel away to nothing at the beginning of this year, when I took a hiatus from this journal, would like to get their hands on him and explain to him how important it is not to fuck it up this time. Anyone who saw me with the bruises on my face (like Lynn, Jamie, Alexa, and a few others) and all over my body who sat there in shock the first time they saw me. Or to Serra, who had to witness that brutal and senseless beating and was crying hysterically through it all because she just felt so fucking helpless. Or to Ricky, who was with me when I found him with some really nasty Flint skank at his house two days after spending the night with him and hearing all about how much he loves me and wants to be with me and my family. Ricky had the unfortunate job of bearing witness to the news that he was fucking some other bitch behind my back, a couple of weeks after he beat my ass bad enough to land me in the hospital, and as such, he was the one gripping the seat and screaming for me to calm down as I blew through red lights and stop signs going 60 MPH in a residential neighborhood while screaming in pain at the top of my lungs nonstop, like a train.

Somehow, all of this seemed to have gotten through to him, because he is the most considerate creature on the planet and he's been like that for quite a while now. He has not so much as gotten aggressive toward me, even though one day I had him up against the wall in the kitchen and I proceeded to punch him in the face repeatedly. (As to that incident, I will admit that it felt pretty nice. I had a lot of anger toward him at that time, and I just took it all out on him. I haven't hit him since, because I am no longer carrying all these huge amounts of resentment. That was a few months ago.) I love him even more than I did last year, which I didn't think was possible, but this is a different kind of love. This is finally the mature, secure two way street I had been seeking from him all along. He is good to me and I love him and together, we are making it work. We are making it work and we had to start from the very bottom, but now he know we've seen each other's ugliest sides. There's no where else to go but up and we have. Now that I'm working, I encouraged him to go back to school. Do something to make him feel better about himself. He wants to work but I work so much that I really look forward to spending time with him, so now he's looking into finishing his diploma, which he's only missing by half a credit. He would rather make money, but I am selfish and petty. I certainly make enough money now to pay my bills without him having to work so I am going to take advantage of it. Sound bad? It's not. Well, I really don't honestly give a fuck what anyone thinks. LOL.

All right, I'm off to cuddle with the man and get ready for work tomorrow. WHY do I always wait until Sunday evening to do the laundry? (And don't suggest Bryan do it. He hates the laundry, so we compromise. He cooks and does dishes, two jobs I HATE, and I do the laundry. It's a fair trade off, trust me.)

Until Later,
Mz. Bowailey

Why I Love This Man

I know, but it's been a long time since I wrote a gushy entry about Bryan. But this just has to go into print.

12.)He plays with my hair and puts me to sleep, every time.

11.)He listens to me talk about work, which I know he doesn't understand or even care about. He even offers feedback and keeps up with office gossip.

10.) He gets up at 6:00 AM to make my coffee, or, in some cases, actually drive somewhere to go get it.

9.) He rubs my back, as often as I want, for as long as I like.

8.) He never complains about #9, nor does he expect the same in return.

7.) He plays poker with me and gets mad if someone thinks I am just a stupid girl playing cards. He's got my back every time.

6.) He cooks...and LIKES it! (shudder)

5.) He will do the dishes, too...and never complains.

4.) If he wakes up before me in the morning, he will greet me with a, "Hi baby," a grin, and a kiss. Yes, every time.

3.) After we have a fight, and he KNOWS he was wrong, he will apologize....and stutter all the way through it.

2.) He makes me feel so good about myself that I can actually let him see me naked now. LOL...but true.

1.) He cries at things that are sad, like child abuse or people getting killed for no reason...but he is also a brawny little dude who will not hesitate to kick someone's ass if he feels it necessary to do so.

****I must add a footnote here. Bryan has what I think are unusually large hands for someone as small as he is. I asked my nephew Ricky if he thought Bryan had big hands, and Ricky, without hesitating, said, "Yeah. I'd be mad as hell if I got hit with one of those."

Simple Things

You know what's funny? Asking Bryan to call the power company to let them know we made a payment, and listening to him as he talks to the voice automated system.

"Home."
"Home."
"HOME!"

"Number 3. Number 3." (frustrated whisper of aggravation.) "THREE! THREE!"

Finally angry:

"Customer Service. NOW. Customer. Service. CUSTOMER SERVICE! DAMN!"

First Weekend

Well, this was my first weekend off from work. It went by pretty fast but I am happy to report that I am not dreading going to work tomorrow. I am actually looking forward to it. I spent a LOT of time being sedentary so sitting around just doesn't appeal to me anymore. I kept busy for most of yesterday. We even traveled to a casino about an hour away to check it out, since we'd never been there. (It sucked! Waste of gas.) But it is that time of the month so I am extremely tired and feeling fat. Today I took a nap and I'm still tired. I want to go back to bed.

The other day I got an email from someone I wished to never talk to again, informing me that two more friends of mine from my childhood are dead. Well one is dead, the other is in a coma. In light of the circumstances, I wrote her back asking for more information. I wasn't angry that she contacted me, just a little surprised. It's like a blast from the past, the past that I want nothing more to do with. I really don't want anything to do with her, either. But I'm glad she at least let me know about my friends.

Well, I have nothing new to report. I am soooo tired and I have a very busy day tomorrow. My day planner and all my paperwork are sitting on my desk in my office so that I won't forget about the little things I have to do. I keep thinking about all the things I could do to tackle them. I'm really looking forward to it, but right now, all I want to do is sleep. So, I'm off to bed. Again.

Lethargically,
Mz. Bowailey

Black and White, Green and Red, Purple and Blue..Its All The Same To Me

I have to make an update, because I haven't done so in a while. The job is going GREAT, I can hardly believe how lucky and blessed I am. I get my business cards in a couple of weeks. I absolutely can't wait to be one hundred percent on the ball, but of course, that will take a while. I wish I could talk about what I do, and maybe someday I will, but if I do, I will have to archive all the older posts that talk about most of the events of last year. That will probably come soon, as I close the door on my old life and become comfortably settled in to my new life. Right now I feel less attached to my past every day, but its still a part of me that I am in the process of exploring. This is so I can understand the person I am becoming today.

Bryan and I are not the same people that I wrote about last year. We could be a study in contrasts, we are so different. We actually have a mutually satisfying relationship based on respect and love for one another. There is no more jealousy or lies. He has matured in ways that I never thought he ever would. I feel like he finally appreciates me. I finally trust him and I trust him to make decisions based in common sense and not just his own selfish motives. And the best part is that there is NO MORE ABUSE, substance or otherwise. He even brought up the subject of marriage a couple of weeks ago, but of course, that is not something either one of us will take lightly. I was just blown away when he said it.

So thats about it for me. I am tired but happy and I do feel a sense of satisfaction that I haven't had in a while and when I organize my thoughts, I will write more specifically about my job and what it entails. I just want to say that I feel blessed and very, very fortunate to be where I am today.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

I didn't write about it in this blog yet because I didn't want to jinx myself, but I found an awesome job in the paper a few weeks ago. I sent a resume and went in for an interview. Then I went back for a second interview, and again for a third. To make a long story short, after much hand wringing and praying, I GOT THE PHONE CALL TODAY ASKING ME TO COME IN ON MONDAY AND START MY NEW JOB. HELL YEA!

This job comes with a whole new lease on life for me. For one thing, it's a fresh start to a career that I started five years ago and took a break from to pursue my degree. (And Bryan.) It pays extremely well, actually, it pays more than any job I've ever had in my life, and it's my second passion in life, first being social work. This is something I'm very good at, obviously, since I beat out several other people for the position. It's a public position, so I have to cover all my tattoos. LOL. Seriously, I am so elated right now. I had to compose myself when they told me what my salary is. It's way more than I expected. Of course, the job comes with new responsibilities, some of which I've never had before, but I am more than ready for the challenge. I am going to enter this new job with gusto. Sondra is back, bitches.

On another note, I heard a preview of a song by a band called "The Plain White T's". I downloaded some of their music and it was awesome. I'm gonna burn a new CD to listen to on my way to work on Monday morning. Check it out if you have a chance.

I'm off to do some shopping.

Cheerfully,
Mz. Bowailey

Bull SHIT

Is there anyone out there who thinks that bush's decision to commute Libby's sentence is just plain, obvious bullshit? And for all the hell they're raising over Al Gore's son smoking weed, let's just see if his punishment fits the crime as well.

bush said that Libby's sentence was "excessive." Excessive? It wasn't fucking enough! This is a man who leaked confidential information concerning our government, and all he got was a measly couple of years, which bush took upon himself to take away. Why? I hate this administration. I gave up on following politics shortly after the election in 2004, but I have to admit that I do enjoy watching some of the people who voted for bush squirm uncomfortably now. They made a mistake. They know they made a mistake. It's okay, we forgive you. Lots of people make mistakes. But let's make sure we get someone better in office, next year, okay?

Now, I'd like to see what Gore Jr. gets. For smoking some weed and having some pills that he wasn't supposed to have. Hell, that could've been me a few months ago. Let's see what happens. At least he's not leaking confidential information or killing Americans so daddy can make more money.

I don't give a fuck who disagrees with me. I don't care what your political views are. I don't care if you write me this big long comment and tell me how fat and ugly I am. bush will always remain SLIME, and his supporters are just ignorant greedy fucks who like to scream about values but as everyone knows, they're really screaming about MONEY. Arrgh, go fuck yourselves.

Boredom

Well, I didn't sleep real well last night. I had a really bad dream that me and Bryan lived in the house that I grew up in, which is a rental house now. In it, someone was trying to steal my car and it was dark out and scary. Yeah, I didn't like that too much. The night before that I had a bad dream too, about someone I know and miss. And when I finally fell back asleep this morning, I dreamed that I still had my PT Cruiser but I couldn't remember where I parked it so I walked all over hell's half acres looking for it. I never did find it.

I am so depressed and bored. I was just going through some of my entries from last summer and a wistful kind of longing took over me. I miss Kristi and Mike SO much, and looking back on it, it seems as though we spent a LOT of time together right about this time last year. True, three of us were doing a lot of drugs but that NEVER diminished our friendship, not for a minute. (It still hasn't.) Everything between Bryan and I was very unsettled back then. Well, how's that for irony? Now I have everything I have ever wanted, needed, and asked for in Bryan....but no friends. Just him. Just. Him. Every. Day. Of. My. Life. I am glad we are finally settled in and together, but damn, I'm bored. NOT with him, but I sure wish that we had our friends back. I miss Dave, Roxanne, Jamie, and even Angie. (LOL). And I really, really miss Kristi and Mike. They were there through it all. Whenever Bryan and I needed something to do, we hung out with Mike and Kristi. Of all the people we knew, we weren't ashamed to let them see the worst of us, even when they didn't want to see it. (We still aren't.) We would spend hours playing spades and talking, the four of us. I miss those days, not for the drugs of course, but for the camaraderie that came with being with people we truly cared about. Some people come in and out of your life for reasons that God only knows sometimes. They blink in, stay around for a while, and then blink out, and you lose all touch. Five years later you find yourself wondering what happened to them. But Kristi and Mike blinked in and as far as I'm concerned, will never blink out. We've all seen too much of each other, bonded too much, spent too much time together. We're all way too close. (We may as well have walked around each other with no clothes on, as raw and as uncensored as we've all seen each other.) I know God put them into my life for a purpose.

I'm writing about them in particular because last year about this time we were always together. I miss that. Bryan and I are almost unbearably lonely right now. Sometimes I really wish I would have waited to move to Florida until now, the summertime, because I am not really enjoying myself here. Every day I wake up depressed, and I know it's because I'm lonely. I've always been surrounded by friends, even when I lived here before, but the friends I had when I lived here before have all moved up north! (Go figure) It makes me long for the days of Kristi and Mike and Bryan and Sondra, the long talks, the dinners together sometimes, the card games until 7 AM. I miss it all. I never thought I would feel like moving to Florida was a mistake, but sometimes I really do feel that way. My grandma, who is the light of my life, always says that social interaction is extremely important. Well, we don't have any of that. I find myself feeling extremely bitter about everything all the time, and that's not good. I wish Bryan and I could find financial security and happiness in Michigan, but it won't happen. There are too many bad outside influences up there that I don't have to waste one second on worrying about down here. Not only that, but finding work would be extremely difficult. I've been having a rough time here, but that's because of the field I'm in.

I just really want to go home for about a week, maybe ten days. I just want to see my friends, go out to dinner, and hang out til the wee hours of the morning. I want to go to the movies, go to the beach, and just be with other people instead of it just being the two of us all. the. time. It makes me sad because we don't know what's going on in everyone else's life. We don't know what our friends are doing. Every time I talk to Roxanne she mentions having bonfires at her house. Well, dammit, I wanna go. And I haven't spoken to Angie in a while, but I'd be willing to bet even her life is more fun that mine now. Anyone feel like taking up a donation to get me home for about ten days so I can feel normal again? Anyone?

Wistfully,
Mz Bowailey

Roxanne--you know I miss you. You're the one I tell about all the bad stuff.
Kristi and Mike--words cannot express how much I miss you guys. I wish we could go to church with you and then hang out and play video games.
Angie--I just wanna know if you're still alive, and what's going on with you.
Mollie--you and Alexa are so lucky. I wish I was you guys, just for a day, so I could hang out with MY friends.
My Grandma--I can't even go there without crying.
Bryan's family--I miss all of you, pains in the asses.

I want to see all of you. Soon.