Upheaval

I haven't written much in a couple of days because I simply have not had the stamina to document eveything here.

First, I must say I feel pleasantly enhanced by this natural herb that I have just inhaled.

(Heehee.)

Everything is literally in upheaval. Right now the pieces of my life are scattered everywhere. I don't know what the hell is going on with me half the time or where my mind is. I am getting so sick and tired of the same old shit. I have had anxiety so bad for the last three days that I have actually resorted to smoking marijuana recently. (Insert horrified gasp.) I just don't know what to do.

I write about Bryan so much in this journal that when I reread it I decide that I am not being fair in my portrayal of him. I'm going to take tonight and actually list the things about him that annoy me. Perhaps it will be some form of catharsis for me, because Lord knows I need one. Here we go:

THINGS THAT ANNOY ME:
He says "fiddina". As in "we're 'fiddina' go to the store right now." Ugh.

He collects all my loose hair in the shower, and then puts it in little attractive bunches all over the shower walls. How nice.

When he wants something really bad, he says, "Please, Mom?" (What kind of sick relationship would that be?)

When we play cards, and I do something stupid, he he sighs really loudly and shakes his head. I hate this. I hate this more than almost anything.

He memorizes certain little catch phrases from rap songs and goes around repeating it all day, about every eighty-four seconds. Imagine hearing, "The boys in the hood are ALWAYS hard," 12,000 times a day.

When we bicker---not when we FIGHT but when we do the Sondra/Bryan style of debate---he will grab the nearest object and abruptly throw it on the floor and then stare me down...like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Oh believe me, you've never seen anything like it.

He will listen to the same song more than three times a day, usually in a matter of just a couple of hours. Imagine hearing Usher's "Yeah" eight times in three hour time span. Yes, people, welcome to my life.

He says "muyafuckee." Or "mayfuckeh." As in "motherfucker." Sigh.

THINGS THAT JUST DOWNRIGHT PISS ME OFF
His lack of tact, no matter how much I try to teach him. For example, yesterday he was complaining about how much he was eating and I told him to stop it. I patted his belly and said, "You don't want THIS to turn into THIS," while patting mine. He took another bite of his burger and said, "Oh hell no, I don't ever wanna be fat."

He changes plans whenever he wants to and however he sees fit. And then when I ask him to make plans with me, he says no, because "plans never work out."

He won't kiss me after receiving "special attention." If you don't know what that means, then I can't help you.

He can go to sleep with me right next to him without inititating nookie :) or even a KISS.


That is a very short list, and doesn't even cover everything. But everyone knows how that goes...the longer you've been with someone, the better you know them AND their shortcomings. Obviously, Bryan and I are going through a rough patch right now---a very rough patch---and I don't know what will happen. I can only hope for the best, whatever that may bring. He is in such a state of arrested development that I do not know if I have the patience to wait for him to mature. He is so relationship retarded, so clueless about what a relationship is, that I wonder if I can sit here and teach him all of this. One thing I do know is that right now, I really don't want to lose him. He has come so far and worked so hard since we've been together...he has made giant leaps forward. Believe it or not, he is good for me in many ways. He does whatever he can for me, and has never let me down, even when we've been very angry with each other. I see the hurt in his face when I do or say something that stings a little. I can hurt him too, and have, in many ways. This whole summer I have had a problem staying sober, and its gotten worse in the last two weeks because of the situation between Bryan and I. I have been sober for five straight days now and my head is once again clearing. I don't know how long it will last, though. Truth be told, I am scared to death of this little motherfucker hurting me, so it makes it easier for me to avoid everything. He even asked me the other day why I was doing this to myself, and I said, "Sometimes false happiness is better than reality."

I can only hope everything will work out. I don't need all this turmoil. I wish I had something different to write about. LOL