To Be A Bit More Clear

I laughed when I read the entry I posted last night. It was quite witty, or so I thought. LOL. All of it true, of course.

I don't know if the emotional distance I feel from Bryan right now is a result of too much togetherness at the beginning or what. I have to wonder. We are still close, but we don't spend as much time together. This is not due to what I want; this is due to what HE wants. All of a sudden, it seems, he does not want me to take him to work or pick him up anymore. He spends maybe two to three nights a week with me instead of most of the time, like he did before. The other night, he went out with his best friend and his brother's girlfriend without even telling me, let alone inviting me. He actually shut his phone OFF so I could not reach him, which caused quite a big fight a few hours later when he decided to check his messages while DRUNK, because I cussed his ass out pretty good...I think I called him a "stupid motherfucker." He immediately called me with some story about how his phone battery died, which I don't buy for one second, even though his sister came out and yelled at him to be quiet and threatened to take her charger away from him. Anyway, I ended up picking him up and taking him to my house, where we talked for a little bit until he sobered up and then I took him home, another unusual occurence.

Little things are what I'm noticing, and they hurt. Like, he won't add me to his MySpace. I know why...his friends list is FULL of young girls his age. I don't think he wants them to know that he has me or something, I don't know. Also, he doesn't want to spend as much time alone with me as he used to. He is still as affectionate and everything, but sometimes, when we argue, he has a hard time looking at me. The other day we got into such a big fight because I told him I was "done." This is the term I use when I am trying like hell to end it. Well, he told me that I have said it one too many times, and now he is making the decision for me. Since it frustrates me to have feelings for him, then maybe we had better be "just friends." I panicked and tried to explain that that's not what I meant, but he did not want to hear any of it. The very next day, he invites himself to spend the night at my house. I didn't mind, and nothing happened except cuddling which was all I wanted anyway, but what the fuck?

Kristy says I should just go with his flow. He's a guy and scared of his feelings, especially being as young as he is and the fact that he's never been in a relationship before. She said just go with his flow; follow his lead. This is what I have been doing for the last three or four days. Granted, it is less stressful. The night that he spent the night with me was rough; I could not sleep. When we got up in the morning, he said I was thrashing, not just restless. I felt very anxious for no reason and felt like there was concrete sitting in my stomach. Hence all the pot smoking. It's the only thing that helps.

Tonight the plan was for us to spend the night alone, but Kristy's birthday is tomorrow and her and Mike want Bryan and I to come over and ring it in together. I can't say no because Kristy has been an AWESOME friend to me, and Bryan really wants to go. He claims he will spend the entire day with me tomorrow. We shall see. So off I go to get ready, as it is now 5:30 PM and I have done absolutely nothing all day. He just called me and basically demanded that I bring a variety pack of Kool Aid up to his work for reasons he can't explain other than saying, "I just really want some Kool Aid." So I'm off.

***In my quest to remain sober, I am thinking that tonight is going to be a challenge. Let's see how well I do. No promises.***