Ugh, Yuck, and Hmmm...

I don't know what my problem is, but for like two weeks I have been an absolute bitch. Everything is making me hostile. I walk around gritting my teeth, trying not to lash out at people. My tolerance level for irritation, while always low, is now almost nonexistant. I am tired, very very tired. I have been sleeping in very late and then napping some more during the day. I am eating more than usual, even though I am NOT even hungry. I am a fucking crab ass. The most recurring thought I've had in the last week is, "I'm fucking miserable." I just have no idea why I feel this way.

I do have one possible explanation. I take medicine for my thyroid, since it doesn't work. (I have chronic hypothyroidism, which means it will never go away). The medicine I take is a synthetic hormone that replaces the hormone that my thyroid absolutely does not produce. Well, I ran out of that medicine over a month ago and went to the doctor about two weeks before I ran out to see if he would prescribe me more. (The original doctor who prescribed it is in Florida, and he gave me a year's prescription.) This self righteous, arrogant asshole insisted on running all kinds of blood tests that my endocrinologist and family physician in Florida already did, thus postponing me getting any more medication. He insisted that the cause was not congenital, as my doctors in Florida concluded, but rather brought on by another medication that I take. (I only take two medications, so everyone doesn't think I am some kind of pill head.) I already went through this when I was first diagnosed with the disease, so it kind of irked me that he didn't believe me and thought his word was God. So I never went back, and instead, changed doctors. I have a doctor appointment with my new doctor in a couple of weeks, but in the meantime, I think not having the synthroid is wreaking havoc on me.

The medication only regulates my metabolism, so I have no idea why I feel so aggressive and hostile. I am also kind of emotional and I attributed that to PMS, except I haven't started my period yet...it is very late. (I am NOT pregnant.) I have headaches constantly, my head feels muddled and murky, I am very lethargic and tired, and I am also weepy as hell. I know I am not depressed, at least not clinically, although I have my down moments just like everyone else. And my thyroid gland is beginning to enlarge, making me look as if I have twenty chins. This is also very uncomfortable because it feels as if I have a large chunk of dry bread stuck in my throat and I can't do anything about it. I am starting to swell up, too, and I have large bags under my eyes. My guess is that my new doctor will put me on diuretics as well as synthroid. I am so miserable, mentally and physically, right now.

It didn't help matters any that when I went out last night, trying to have fun and forget about my miseries, that I got totally treated like shit by most of the guys at the bar. I mean, I'm not kidding, when you are fat, it does NOT matter what you look like...you could be the prettiest girl in the room, and no one will notice. They're all looking at the 110 lb slut in the lowrider jeans with her boobs sticking out. Trust me. She could be a fucking dogfaced bitch, and she will be picked over the fat girl, any day. Not every guy thinks like this, but last night I really got treated like shit. Not only was I completely ignored by most of the guys there, but one guy actually, literally, shoved me out of his way. Physically shoved me. I responded with, "Hey, dude..what the fuck? What the fuck are you doing?" He ignored me, and Lynn didn't see it. If she would have there would have been hell to pay. Lynn used to be a lot bigger than she is now..she lost more than eighty pounds a few years ago and is very sensitive to that shit. She's even more sensitive to it because I am so tuned in to it. Instead I sat there, fighting back tears, and just wanting to leave. I only drank three beers and a long island and I never even had the pleasure of experiencing a buzz. I just felt so disgusting and unappreciated.

Look, I am happy with myself. I like me. I just don't like me physically and I will never pretend to be part of the "Big and Beautiful" crowd. I don't want to be "Big and Beautiful". I just want to be "beautiful." I remember a few years ago, going out with Lynn, and being able to wear anything I really want. I remember feeling confidence. I don't have that confidence anymore. I know part of it is in my mind, but trust me, the prejudice is there. True...I don't need some random bar guy's approval of me to validate myself, but it sure would be nice to have someone look at me instead of right through me, as if I didn't even exist. I just want to stand up on the table with a sign that says, "LOOK AT ME! I AM A REAL PERSON WITH DEPTH! I HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR AND I LOVE PEOPLE! GIVE ME A CHANCE!" Or, better yet, " I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING! I'M NOT FAT BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP EATING! I'M FAT BECAUSE I HAVE A DISEASE! I HAVEN'T ALWAYS BEEN THIS FAT!"

But...would it really matter?